Between Black and Sunshine (13 page)

Luca and I have spent two days looking at each other, feeling each other’s skin, and it was enough. But now it seems like he’s going to give me more and I can’t fricking wait. Suddenly it’s all I want. His hands on me, his mouth on me, him inside of me.

“Let’s go to your place,” I blurt, as he heads out of the parking lot. Since the moment I stepped into Luca’s room I just assumed that’s where I would lose my virginity. I love the studio but I want our first time to be in his bed.

“Yeah… good,” Luca says, seeming as agitated as I am. He takes a right instead of a left to bring us to his home.

I try to be good and patient and stay fastened under my seatbelt, but I’m burning and the need to feel him is overwhelming. I unbuckle and climb over to him. His right hand lets go of the steering wheel to pull me into him. My mouth is on his neck and I’ve never wanted him as badly as I do right now. I want to feel him. I put my hand on his hard length and it’s pushing so hard against his jeans that I can’t help but moan. I want him so badly.

He groans his appreciation and cups my behind to drag me over his hard on. I’m only vaguely aware that he’s driving a truck but I know to keep my mouth on his neck and not in his mouth where it wants to be. I press myself into him and I think I might fall apart right here with two pairs of jeans separating us.

I’m barely holding on when he slams his truck into park. He holds me to him, but I’m impatient so I throw the door open, jump down and head for his building.  He chases me up the stairs and nails me against the door with his body as he manages to get the last two locks open. We fall into the entry and stumble into the back wall and Luca’s mouth is finally on mine. It’s greedy and wild.

We stumble down the hallway, our legs getting tangled up together but eventually we make it to his room. By the time we make it to his bed we’re both naked, our clothes scattered on the floor behind us. He hovers over me, his eyes crazy like I’ve never seen them. “You’re on something, right?” he asks me.

For a second I can’t comprehend what he’s talking about. But then I get it. “No, Luca. Why would I be on something?”

“Shit,” he mutters, his face tensing.

“You don’t have a condom?” I ask, frustrated that we’re talking and not doing.

“I don’t want to do this with a condom. I want to feel you. God, I think about being inside of you every damn day. Not once did I think there would be a fucking condom separating us. The first time I feel what it’s like to be inside of you, I want to feel you, Jude.”

“Luca….” I stutter, frustration confusing my ability to speak. “Who gives a shit?”

“I do. I don’t know what it feels like, I don’t want to feel anything but you.”

“Ugh, you have got to be fucking kidding me!” I yell out of frustration, but at the same time I’m comprehending. He’s never been inside of someone without one and he wants me to be the first. The first time he’s inside of me he wants to feel me completely. “Fine!”

“We’ll go to the clinic tomorrow. Shit. I’m not going to let you hurt, sweet girl. Don’t worry.” His mouth is back on mine and I’m having a hard time getting over the fact that this is not happening so I’m not really focused on what Luca is doing to my body… until he slides his hand between my legs, at which point, I forget about everything but the way he’s touching me. And, oh my god, the way he’s touching me feels…unreal. Unrecognizable. What the hell is he doing to me?

I grasp onto his shoulders. My body’s never felt this and I’m not sure if it should hold onto this amazing sensation or let it go. Warm ripples spread from his fingers into my body, up to my stomach. It’s new and strange and I love it. The pleasure grows until it’s almost painful. He pulls out of my mouth and focuses on my eyes. I’m trying to control my breaths, trying to keep my eyes open so I can look at him.

“Does that feel good,” he asks as his fingers slick around my throbbing clit.

“Ahhh,” is all I can say. I can feel my eyes rolling, but I force them to stay open.

“God, you are so fucking beautiful,” Luca murmurs as my body convulses under his touch. His mouth is back in mine now. His tongue running around mine just like his fingers are. His hand leaves my body and I want to scream, but he slides his fingers into me and rubs inside of me. The sensation spreads and intensifies.

I have to pull out of Luca’s mouth so I don’t bite his tongue off. I feel like my insides are ripping apart as my teeth clasp onto Luca’s shoulder “Oh my god,” I mutter before a long, drawn out, desperate moan escapes my body. 

“Let it go,” Luca whispers. I unclench every inch of my body and let the sensation cover me. And it’s beautiful; it’s insane and it’s beautiful. When the last ripples dissolve I lay slack under Luca’s body and stare up at him. He has that look of satisfaction on his face, like the other morning when he made me that omelet. He’s proud of himself, and he should be.

“Holy shit,” I laugh the word, unbelieving that he can make my body feel the way he just did. “How the hell did you do that?”

Luca laughs now. “It’s an orgasm, Jude. You’ve never had one?”

“How would I have had one if you weren’t around to give me one?”

He cocks his head at me but doesn’t say anything.

“Can you do it again?” I ask, wrapping my legs around his hips.

“Can I do it again?” he laughs. “I can do it again and in all kinds of ways. Jude, Jude, Jude, you have no idea…the things I’m going to do to you.” Luca’s eyes become hungry and then he pounces.

It really blew yesterday when I realized that I wasn’t having sex with Jude. It was stupid to assume that she was on the pill. I thought every girl was on the pill, but what the hell do I know? Not a whole hell of a lot I realized, as I sat in an examination room at the campus clinic with Jude this afternoon.

There are pills, rings, shots, implants, patches… Jesus, the birth control options- I had no idea. As the doctor explained the first few to Jude, she feigned interest asking, after each explanation, “How long do I have to be on it before I can have sex?”

The shot is effective twenty four hours after you get it. She got the shot.  We can have sex tomorrow.

In retrospect, I’m glad things worked out the way they did because I got to spend all of yesterday introducing Jude to the world of orgasms and all of the amazing ways I could help her have one. She’s so damn cute and she really is innocent. The look on her face after each one was like a kid who just discovered Disney Word. I’ve never made Jude so happy and it was, by far, the best day of my life. Mainly because I was doing something right for Jude, but eventually she wanted to know how she could make me feel the way she felt. That portion of the day was pretty amazing also. By the time I had to bring her back to the dorm, she was an expert. It was a damn good day.

This week, I’ve almost forgot about my past and the awful things I’m capable of doing. How did I manage to enter into an intimate relationship with Jude and not tell her? It was supposed to be her decision- if she wanted to be with me or not- after she heard what I had to tell her.

Now it’s all I’m thinking about. I’m not going to be able to let her go after I’m inside of her. If what I have to tell her is more than she can handle I need to know that before I let myself have sex with her. 

Jude is anxious as we leave the clinic and drive to my place. I know what she’s thinking about - she wants to get back into my bed. But I can’t let that happen.

I really don’t want to have this conversation with her. But is has to happen before we get to the bedroom because god knows I won’t be able to think once I have her back in my bed.

When we walk into my place Anthony, Rake and Miles are deep into a case of beer and a game of pool. Jude lets out a disappointed sigh but I’m a little relieved. I’m procrastinating, I know. But there is a chance she will leave me after I explain and I don’t want that to happen yet.

I pull Jude over to the pool table and ignore the murderous look in her eyes. “It’s just for a minute,” I tell her.

“What the hell are you doing?” Rake asks me. “You coming to hang out with us… while you have Jude with you? You must really love us.” He hands me and Jude beers. Jude takes hers and starts slamming it.

“You play?” Anthony asks her.

“I can,” she tells him, “but I don’t really want to,” she says under her breath, to me.

“Well you’re up. Miles has never won a game, maybe he’ll have a shot with you.”

She gives him a seething glance before ripping the stick out of his hand. “Let’s go,” she tells Miles while racking up the balls. I take a seat on the couch next to Rake. This should be entertaining.

Miles is up first, which is good for him- it will most likely be his only turn. He sinks a solid and looks proud of himself.  He sinks one more but fucks up his third shot.

Jude wastes no time. She’s got her first stripe in a pocket before Miles can even back away from the table. “Poor Miles,” Rake says, watching my girl kick his ass.  “Jesus, where’d she learn to play like that?”

“We lived in Iowa. There’s not much to do there but we’ve got a pool hall. Jude doesn’t like to be home.”

After all the stripes and the eight ball have disappeared from the table, Jude puts her stick away and starts heading around the table.

“Hold on,” Rake says, standing in front of her. “You can’t kick the poor guy’s ass and just take off. I want to see you take on Anthony. He thinks he’s unbeatable.”

Jude shoots me a death glare. All I can do is smile and shrug my shoulder. “One more Luca, that’s it,” she tells me from across the room.

Jude verses Anthony takes a little longer, but Jude is victorious and when Rake says he wants to see her beat my ass she flat out refuses.

I manage to delay her for a few minutes in the kitchen, insisting we eat something. Jude scarfs down her sandwich and watches impatiently while I eat mine.

“Are you stalling?” she asks.

“I’m hungry, give me a minute.”

“How are you doing this? I mean, don’t you want to go to your
room?”
she says in an angry whisper.

“Yeah,” I admit, “I really want to go to my room.”

“Gah…” she says, frustrated, before turning and leaving me and my sandwich in the kitchen.

When I get to my room Jude’s already shirtless, braless and in the process of pulling down her jeans. I look away, telling myself to just get it over with. “Jude, I have to talk to you first.”

“What? No, Luca. I swear to god, if you try and do anything besides get in this bed with me I will rip your balls off.”

“I have to talk to you before tomorrow. I need to tell you about me…”

“Luca, please, not this again. I thought you’d gotten over all of that. Don’t you realize there is nothing you could tell me that would change the way I feel about you? Tell me, if you want to, but please, Luca, not now. I need you so badly right now.”

I look at her face, at the sheer need in her eyes. My desire to make her happy takes over my need to keep her safe and I go to her. 

Tonight I’m free to do whatever I want and I know exactly what I want…Luca. It’s been twenty four hours since I got my shot and all I can think about is the fact that tonight I will finally know what it feels like to have Luca inside of me.

I want to make love all night, fall asleep in his arms and not worry about waking up in time to get back to the dorm. I want him in the dark; in the middle of the night and in the early morning. I want to sleep in his bed. I just want him. And I will have him, in about two more hours from now… ugh.

I was hoping to spend my entire first night as a free woman with him but he’s got something going on with one of his friends. Figures it’s tonight - he’s been nothing but available all week. But either way, I’m just happy to be out of the dorm.

Four days ago I wouldn’t have agreed to go hang out with Piper at Anton’s, but I know now that my first impression of him was very wrong.

We were in Anton’s very grown-up, suburban house with about fifteen of his friends long enough for Piper and me to get a small buzz going. But then Anton decided he didn’t have enough weed to get through the night so we’re making a drug run to some store called Neighbormade that his friend Clara owns. I think it sells stuff, like store stuff, and not just drugs.

As we drive into Luca’s neighborhood I think how convenient… it’s after nine already so maybe I can just walk to his place after we’re done here. I think about calling him and letting him know I’m here but as I look through the windows of the store I know this is not a place where he’ll be comfortable. It’s very bohemian and very girly.

Piper grabs a hold of my hand and drags me through the door, her brother and his friends are right behind us. The place is packed with people who look like they belong here; modern hippies, hipsters and people like Luca and Rake too.
Maybe I should call him.

But I’m distracted, a little mesmerized, by the woman walking towards us.  She has shiny, black hair hanging over her shoulders in pin curls, one side held up by a large crystal hair piece. She looks like she’s done up for a war time play; drawn in eyebrows; perfect, creamy skin; dark lashes that are even longer than Piper’s and bright red lips that remind me of cherries. She’s small but her boobs are plunging out of her slinky black dress. Her legs are covered in fishnet stockings and she’s wearing some kick-ass heels. She smiles at me and I feel start struck, like she’s some kind of celebrity.

She goes to Anton and gives him a big hug. “I’m so glad you’re here. What do you think of the place?” she asks him.
This must be Clara
.

“It looks great. You look great,” he says with a smile.

“I’m so glad he drug you two along,” she tells Piper and me. “This is more of a girl place. Anton probably won’t make it back, but you two might like some of the stuff. You guys take a look around. There’s beer and wine in the back and some sexy boys walking around with trays of apps,” she tells us while peering over her shoulder.  “Have fun, I gotta go check on my guy; he looks like he might bolt.” She gives us a big smile before turning and walking away.

“So that’s Clara?” Piper says to her brother, wagging her eyebrows.

“One version of her. The woman’s sweet but bat-shit crazy.” Anton is talking to us, but bobbing his head around, looking for his dealer. “You girls okay for a minute? I’ll be right back and then we can get out of here.”

“Sure, I think I’ll go check out the wine,” Piper says, grabbing my hand as she starts to navigate around the tables and people.

“Meet me back here in ten,” Anton yells as he heads the other way.

I’m busy perusing the tables Piper is rushing me past when she suddenly stops in her tracks, forcing my feet to stumble over hers. “What the hell, lady,” I say, after I’ve regained my balance. Piper’s not listening to me though; she’s staring across the room with a frozen expression of confusion on her face.

I follow her gaze until I see what’s got her looking petrified and I freeze too.

Clara is in the back corner of the store with her arms wrapped around a guy, the guy has his arms around her small waist. It takes me a second to register that it’s Luca.
My Luca
. My boyfriend, Luca.

I watch as he leans against the wall and she falls closer into him. They’re talking, smiling. It’s obvious that they know each other very well. They look comfortable… intimate… together. This is his friend, whose thing he had to go to. The thing I wouldn’t enjoy. The thing he said he was dreading but had to go to, for his friend.

Motherfucker
.

Clara pulls herself closer to him, her lips closer to his. He smiles at her, a smile I know very well. I don’t want to see this.

I rip my hand out of Piper’s then start pushing myself back through the crowd until I’m outside. Piper’s at my feet, yelling my name, but I can’t stop to talk to her. I need to get the hell out of here. Tears are streaming down my face and I’m pissed that I’m crying.

He’s such a fucking asshole. I believed him all this time. I never doubted that I was the only one he loved even after he told me about the woman he had slept with. I thought I was the only one who ever mattered to him.
I’m so stupid
. I knew it was weird that he was blowing me off tonight. What in the world could be more important than having sex with me?
Clara
. Clara is more important than me. Luca is
her guy
and Clara is
his girl.

All that shit he tells me, about how he’s going to hurt me, I always thought he was talking about his crazy temper; his instinct to physically hurt people. That night, the night he finally broke down and told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend, I had understood for a fleeting moment that this would be the kind of hurt that he would make me feel. But I let it go. The minute he told me he wanted me, I forgot all about it.

Now I get it. Now, it’s very clear in my mind. One women... even that seemed like too much when he told me about his past conquests, but seeing him with her like that, after spending those days with me as my boyfriend… it’s probably more like one hundred.

I’m so stupid
. Probably the only reason things have been working between us is because of my curfew. After he dropped me off he could go fuck his woman.

“Ahhh,” I yell out into the night, throwing my bag against the building that I’m running parallel to.

“Jude, stop,” Piper yells from behind me.

I ignore her and start running faster. I don’t know where I’m going, but I need to be alone. As I run I can hear her chasing after me so I push myself harder. I run and cry until I can’t see through my tears. And then I trip over a curb and fall on my sorry self and land on something hard and sharp.

I’m only down for a couple of seconds before I feel two arms reaching under me and picking me up. “What are you doing, Jude?” Anton asks, holding my body close to his.

“Jesus, are you some damn Olympic sprinter who trains in heels?” Piper says through ragged breaths.

“What the hell happened to her?” Anton asks his sister.

“Her boyfriend was there,
with Clara
,” Piper says quietly, trying to shield me from the truth, but I hear it. I saw it. I know it’s the truth.

“Oh, shit,” Anton says. “Are you sure? I thought Luca ended things with Clara a while ago,” he says to himself, causing me to start pushing off of him, trying to get back to the ground where I can run.

They were together, before me. I’m not his first girlfriend, of course I’m not. I’m the other woman. The girl who came between Luca and his girlfriend for a brief moment. “Let me go,” I yell at Anton, pounding on his chest.

“No, Jude. Calm down, I’m not letting you go. You’re bleeding,” he tells me. “Piper, call Jace and tell him to come pick us up.”

Once he says this I can feel it; the pain running up and down my shin where I fell. It suddenly hurts like hell. I don’t know where I’m running to anyway. “I won’t run, just put me down.”

He does, slowly, keeping his arm tightly around my waist. As I set my left foot down on the ground a pain shoots all the way up to my hip. I can feel the blood pouring down my leg, under my jeans. Anton kneels on the ground, assessing the damage. “This looks bad, Jude. We have to get these jeans off and look at it, you might need stitches.”

“I’m fine,” I tell him, but as I yank my body out of his grip and put weight on my leg I start to go down. He grabs a hold of me and stands before hoisting me back up into his arms. I’m about to tell him to put me down again, but I see his car pull to a stop in front of us.  

Piper holds me on the drive home as we listen to Anton and Jace discuss the situation.
I don’t know,
Jace says when Anton repeats that he thought Luca and Clara broke up a long time ago,
I see them together all the time. I just saw them last weekend all curled up together at the bar.
I flinch and cry and feel my insides, the foundation of my entire life, breaking apart.

Piper is running her hand absently through my hair, muttering about what an asshole Luca is. It reminds me of my drive to Portland when Callie took care of me and muttered about Arnie. I thought Luca was different. I thought he would always love me and take care of me. I never thought he would hurt me.

Anton pulls me out of the car and has me back in his arms. I want to be here even less now than I did the first two times. I don’t ever want a man’s hands on me again. But I let him carry me into the house and set me down on his sofa because I don’t have any other choice. He turns on all the lights and kneels down in front of my leg. “Get me some scissors, I’m gonna have to cut these jeans off,” he says to Piper.

“These are my favorite jeans,” I inform him, pissed off that I have to let him help me.

“Well they’re trashed now. Unless you like torn clothes with blood stains, you’re gonna have to find a new favorite pair of jeans.”

Whatever
. I lay back against the pillow he stuck behind my head and try not to think. This leg thing is really just a welcome distraction from the real pain in my body. I focus on how badly my leg hurts and hold onto that feeling.

Anton pulls the fabric away from my wound and it stings like hell. “Sorry,” he tells me before inserting the scissors into the hole in my jeans. The cold metal presses against my thigh and moves across my leg. “This might hurt, I’ll try not to touch your cut,” he tells me, slowly pulling the bottom half of my jeans off my leg. It does hurt, but I kind of like it.

“Oh, hell,” Piper whispers, looking over her brother’s shoulder.

“You need stitches, Jude,” Anton says.

“I’m not going to the hospital.”

“Jesus. I think I can see your bone.”

“Put a bandage on it. I’m not going to the hospital.”

“God damn it,” Anton mutters under his breath. “Fine,” he says, standing and walking away with Piper following; insisting that he take me.

When they’re out of the room I sit up so I can get a look at my leg. It’s a bloody mess and I can’t really see how bad the gash is but I’m not going to the hospital. I spent enough time there with Jonah. I will never go to a hospital again. Especially not for a cut.

Piper comes back into the room with a bottle of vodka and a Dixie cup. She kneels down beside me and fills it up. “Drink this,” she tells me.

I figure this means Anton’s gonna take care of my leg on his own so I take the cup and throw the liquid down my throat, feeling the burn running down it and into my gut. She fills the cup repeatedly and I drink it all down like a good patient.

By the time Anton’s back I’ve put enough distance between my brain and reality that I can almost convince myself that the worst pain in my body is my leg.