Authors: Anah Crow
becoming us (24 page)
maybe a little, but Zac was totally not qualified to make up for Bryce losing financial support.
“Your dad can’t mess with it?”
“No, Granddad didn’t much like Dad and he just wanted us to have a little something for ourselves, so we could have our own lives. I wish he was still around.” Bryce kissed Zac again, softly. “It’s not even about the money.” Bryce sagged back into the pillows, and his voice got tight and sad. “I just don’t wanna lose my stupid, shitty, bigoted, fucked-up family. I love them.”
“It’ll be okay. They’re your family; they love you, man.” Zac had held out hope for his own dad for way too long, and he still hoped his dad would stop being an ass. His dad had remarried, and the new wife was white like Zac’s dad, and so were the kids, of course. Zac and his sister might as well have disappeared. But Zac kept hanging on.
“I can’t make it okay, and I hate that.” Bryce nuzzled Zac’s nose. “I’m just gonna try and not fuck up what I can control. And I’m gonna try and be happy. ‘Cause I have a lot to be happy about.”
“I’m glad you think so.” Zac felt like he had a lot to be happy about, too.
“Mm. Were you paying attention just a few minutes ago?” Bryce teased. He groped Zac’s ass to make his point.
Zac laughed and wiggled his ass in Bryce’s hands. “I don’t think I could’ve missed it. I think we can probably manage to make you happy like that pretty often, if we try.”
“How about we order Chinese and see if we can’t make each other happy again after we eat?” Bryce ducked his head to place little nibbling kisses up Zac’s neck.
“Mmm. That sounds like a great plan.” Zac tipped his head back and let Bryce nibble as much as he wanted. Today was turning out to be a pretty good day, after all.
Becoming Us - 122
Bryce had sweaty hands. He had a churning stomach. He was beyond anxious, and it wasn’t just because he’d sucked it up and emailed his father and said he wasn’t going to be moving out, that he was just too busy to do something so disruptive to his routine. He dried his hands off on his thighs, one at a time, as he drove up to the student center to pick up Zac. The clinic across town would be open at two, and they wanted to get there when it opened to get their tests done. He pulled into the waiting zone, checked his watch, and looked for Zac.
They were going to go get tested. That meant they were really a couple, in a big way. That was scary enough; it meant that Bryce really was gay. Queer. Whatever. He still liked girls, he knew that. His attraction to them was pretty knee-jerk. But he was starting to see how he could be attracted to guys. When he thought about guys he already knew, it was easier to notice.
Like Perry. Bryce realized that now, if Perry showed up and wanted to go out with him, he’d actually consider it, except for the whole thing where he loved Zac. Well, and the part where he wasn’t quite okay with everything, even if he wanted to be. It kept him up at night sometimes, realizing that if he wanted to live a whole life, he could lose his family. But that was why he’d gone ahead and emailed his dad, because he was accepting all the other parts of living his own life, so it was time to get on with it and accept the difficult parts as well.
The other thing that was scary was the sex. Bryce knew they’d talked about Zac touching him, fucking him. He wanted it. That was the bitch of it all. He loved Zac and desperately wanted to give that to Zac. Worse, he felt guilty because he was fine with fucking Zac, but not with having the tables turned. It wasn’t like he thought anything bad about Zac, ever, so why was it so hard to imagine Zac touching him?
It was hard for him to admit that he touched himself. He’d tried it a couple times, and it actually hadn’t been bad. It hadn’t upset him. The first time, it had been just weird and stupid. The second time, he’d told himself that he wanted to know what felt good so he could do it right for Zac.
He’d surprised himself with how
big
his fingers were; how the hell was he going to manage Zac’s dick?
The third time, it was almost nice, but he’d felt terrible after. Gross. He’d wanted to cry, to go break up with Zac or something. Anything not to be like this. He’d talked himself down in time, but that was why he was scared. He was going to fuck up and ruin everything. He was going to hurt Zac. His brain kept jabbering that he was a loser and a disaster and a fag, and it was only a small relief that the last part wasn’t bothering him so much anymore.
After a few minutes, Zac came out of the glass doors, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.
Just seeing Zac made Bryce relax. A flood of love and happiness washed through him; suddenly, everything was all better. Zac was
gorgeous
. The afternoon sun made his dark skin glow and the way he walked -- like he was happy down to his feet -- made Bryce want to jump out of the car and run to meet him.
Becoming Us - 123
Zac glanced around, and then spotted Bryce’s car and smiled as he headed for it. When he slipped into the car, he turned his smile on Bryce. “Hey.”
“Hi.” Bryce smiled back. He knew his emotions had to be written all over his face, and he didn’t try to hide them. It was so hard to hide them the rest of the time. “Ready to go?”
“Yeah.” Zac looked at Bryce’s lips like he was thinking about kissing Bryce, then shook himself a little. He threw his backpack into the back seat and pulled on his seatbelt. “Ready.” Bryce pulled out and negotiated the campus, then the road that would let them cut across town.
“Good day?” He looked over at Zac and smiled again, letting his hand drift across to brush Zac’s. Zac made him so happy. He wanted this to work. Now that they were together, his fears were fading.
“Yeah.” Zac glanced down at their hands, then laced their fingers together. It was low enough no one would see. He smiled at Bryce. “Pharm lecture was pretty good today.”
“You’re so smart.” Bryce grinned at him. Zac was really smart; it was one of the things Bryce loved about him. Gorgeous, smart, sexy, funny, and just not quite as good at video games as Bryce. The perfect person. Man. Perfect
man
. And Bryce loved him. Bryce gave Zac’s hand a squeeze instead of kissing him.
Zac laughed and squeezed back. “How were your classes today?”
“Oh, lovely. You know how much I love modern business communication and golf course design and geriatric lifestyle development.” Bryce rolled his eyes at that.
The truth was, he’d probably have a good time working at any kind of leisure or athletics facility.
He really should’ve been working on his golf game lately; his dad was right. He was a good golfer, though it wasn’t something he was going to come out and admit. His dad thought it would make for better business in the long run if he could get on a tour, get some credentials for work as a golf pro at a big course. If he ever wanted to work for himself some day, have his own club or resort, he’d need to know the right people. It was time to start thinking about those things.
“Maybe it’s just me, but it feels like it’s getting easier.”
“It’s our last year. We’d better be getting the hang of this shit,” Zac joked, rubbing his thumb over the back of Bryce’s hand.
They crossed a set of train tracks and were on their way into the other side of town. The car was traveling in a void, a little break in the traffic, so Bryce brought Zac’s hand up and kissed his knuckles. It had been days since their last kiss. “Out into the big world next year,” he said quietly. He wanted to go there with Zac, and wondered if they’d get there together.
“Yeah.” Zac returned the gesture, flashing Bryce a sweet smile. “Gotta start interviewing soon.
Do something with this athletic training degree. I don’t wanna have to move back in with my
Becoming Us - 124
mom. I mean, she’d have me, but Nicky’s going off to college next year. I think she’s looking forward to having the house to herself.”
“Feels too soon.” Bryce checked the GPS on the dash and had to let go of Zac’s hand to make the next turn. He changed lanes to avoid getting nailed by a rattletrap Dodge coming out of the corner gas station, then glanced over at Zac. The idea of getting a job in a different city and not seeing Zac again hurt.
“I know what you mean. I mean... I don’t wanna go to school for another year, don’t get me wrong, but it doesn’t feel like that long ago, we were sharing our freshman dorm room. Now, we’re in our last year of school.”
“Just like that.”
The cramped and odd-angled streets of the older section of town were a pain in the ass, but Bryce made the next couple turns correctly and then they were on the street behind one of the free clinics that served the queer community. As the website had suggested, he parked on the street. Once the engine was off, Bryce sat there a moment, staring at the rusting, sticker-cluttered hatchback of the car in front of them.
“Do you...” Bryce took a breath. “Do you want this to last past the end of the year? I mean. If it does?”
Zac opened his mouth to answer and then closed it again. After a moment, he reached for Bryce’s hand again. “Yeah. I mean. I want it to. As long as we... Yeah. I want it to last.”
“Okay.” Bryce took Zac’s hand in his and turned to look at him. “Me, too.” He leaned over to kiss Zac; it wasn’t like they were likely to get ambushed by anyone they knew here. Zac met him halfway, and Bryce kissed him slowly.
“I emailed my dad to say I’m not moving out,” Bryce said quietly, when he pulled away. “We’ll see what happens. I’m not going to tell him about us.” He looked Zac in the eyes. “Not until we graduate. But then... yeah, I will. Okay?”
“Okay.” Zac gave him a smile, but it was tinged with sadness. They’d talked, some, about how hard it was for Bryce to do something that basically risked him getting cut off by his family, not just financially, but also emotionally. Bryce knew that Zac understood. It was the emotional part that mattered, to both of them, and Bryce was so glad Zac got it.
“As for everyone else...” Bryce ran his fingers over Zac’s cheek. “Maybe we can just be us for a while, before we have to deal with everyone else? Let me stop freaking out so much, figure out where all the landmines are?”
“Yeah.” Zac turned his head to kiss Bryce’s palm. “I can wait.”
Becoming Us - 125
“I won’t make you wait too long,” Bryce promised. He didn’t want to wait. It wasn’t like he wanted to go out and tell people; he just wanted not to hide their relationship. His watch beeped at him and he checked it. “Okay. Ready to get this done?”
“The sooner we get it done...” The sooner they could have sex without condoms. Zac flashed Bryce a wicked little smile, then slipped out of the car and waited, bouncing on his toes, for Bryce to join him.
Bryce got out, laughing at Zac. God, he loved Zac. The sex without condoms thing wasn’t a big deal for him in terms of the pleasure of it; the emotional part of it was what mattered. Again. He knew Zac didn’t feel quite the same about sex, didn’t take it as seriously, but that part didn’t matter either. Bryce had thought it would. It just didn’t. Zac loved Bryce, and Bryce was certain of it. He didn’t understand how or why Zac loved him, or how it could seem so unconditional, but he believed it.
Bryce caught up with Zac and took his hand. In public. He liked to be honest. It overrode any fear he had, for the moment. They walked toward the clinic, in the lower floor of an older office building.
***
They weren’t the only ones there, though no one they recognized was in the room. Bryce slid his arm around Zac as they sat down, pulling him close and leaning in to briefly nuzzle behind Zac’s ear. His breath huffed against Zac’s neck as he settled in. He wasn’t ever like this in public.
Maybe this was how it would be once they were really okay.
Zac leaned into it, enjoying it while he could. It made his stomach twist with nervousness, a little
-- he’d never had the chance to be like this in public with anyone, before now -- but it felt so good. He dropped his backpack between his feet and put one hand on Bryce’s thigh, returning the contact and intimacy. The only looks they got were envious ones. Zac would have envied them if he were someone else; they probably looked really good together.
“Bring the DS?” Bryce murmured. “I think you have a few high scores I need to wipe out.
Again.”
Zac groaned. It wasn’t fair that Bryce was better at the damn games than he was. He fished out the DS from his backpack and handed it over. “You’re bad for my ego,” he accused, but he was only teasing. Bryce was too nice, too sweet to be anything but good for him.
Becoming Us - 126
“You want an ego boost, I know what you could do,” Bryce muttered, eyeing Zac and flipping the game open. He was pretty susceptible to Zac’s wiles and skill in bed, that was certain. To Zac, it felt like Bryce had made some kind of internal decision about their relationship since telling Coach, and since the talk and sex they’d had on the weekend. Maybe Bryce was still stressed, but the look in Bryce’s eyes when he caught Zac’s gaze was loving.
Zac grinned and bumped his shoulder against Bryce’s. “When we get back to the house tonight, I’ll give you a boost.”
Bryce snickered at that like they were twelve and bumped Zac back. It was more like it used to be, like Bryce had turned a corner, a blend of their old, goofy ways and new love. Zac leaned into Bryce and relaxed, watching him play. Bryce kept close, inside Zac’s personal space, while he wiped out Zac’s high scores.
When the nurse came and called the names Zac had given them, Bryce flipped the game shut and looked from Zac to the nurse. “Guess it’s time,” he said quietly.
“I’ll hold your hand when they stick you with the big, bad needle,” Zac promised, trying to keep the mood light. He held his backpack open for Bryce to drop the game inside, then zipped it up and stood, slinging the backpack over one shoulder and holding his other hand out to Bryce. “But only if you promise to do the same for me.”