Beauty (3 page)

“You’re FAT!” I screamed, my voice raw with emotion as I
brought the razor down hard
across my
bare
thigh.

Glistening brown
eyes stared back at me in the mirror, and I spat at the pity filled face that seemed to be weeping for me.

“You’re UGLY!” I sobbed, swiping the blade across my thigh again, this time my gaze on the two separate trickles of blood
making their way down in between my legs and onto the carpet.

Seven partially healed pale white lines seem to glare at me, the flesh
beneath
pinkening as I squeezed a handful
of my thigh
in my hand. The blood ran faster this way and I finally e
xhaled on
a
ragged sigh, the razor poised once more.

“You don’t deserve to live…” I whispered, pressing harder than I ever had before.

The razor sunk into my skin as if it were cutting soft butter. I watched it, the heavy pain in my chest suddenly transferred to the oozing wound I’d inflicted upon myself. My inability to be happy and skinny, June’s 4 am intrusion, Brice’s invitation to tonight’s party, my sheet falling from the mirror, seeing myself naked for the first time in forever…I released it all, the razor sliding deeper a
nd across until it was halfway buried. The screams were muffled again, hiding somewhere in the back of my fuzzied thoughts, waiting once more for clarity.

My eyes closed and I lay back on the carpet, concentrating on the warm wetness that cont
inued to seep free from each cut
. This was a pain that I could control. This was
me handling everything else I couldn’t handle
. My tears continued but I was too tired to wipe them away. In the morning, it would all be a little better.

**********

“Open the door Evelyn. I know you’re in there!”

I was picking flowers. I’d heard Danny Thompson
sa
y that he liked the yellow ones. I couldn’t wait to give them to him. I’d spent all of recess gathering a whole bunch of them just for him. A wide smile on my face
,
I entered the classroom in a single file line behind the rest of the second graders. He sat just in front of me and I slid them on top of hi
s open folder just as he sat down
.

“These are for you Danny,” I smiled, suddenly shy as the rest of the class seemed to grow quiet, their attention on the two of us.

Something was wrong. Everything was spinning, faces blurring when I turned to see who was laughing. One hard hit to my shoulder and I stumbled backwards, the screech of the metal desks legs scraping against the floor as Danny landed on top of me, his face twisted in anger.

What had I done?!

“Don’t you ever give me anything again you fat slob!” Danny screamed, whaling on
my
soft stomach like a punching bag.

I was all flailing arms and legs, my screams growing louder and louder until I could no longer hear the laughter that seemed to be coming from every
one
now.

“Don’t! STOP! Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssseee!”

“Evelyn! I’m coming in!”

My eyes jerked open, my thoughts disoriented as the dream scattered, my cheeks hot from the memory.

“Hold on Evelyn…I’m coming!”

Brice!
His voice was panicked…
What was he doing here!?!?!

A quick glance at the clock and I was thankful to see that it was now 10:45 pm. That should have meant that Brice had went on without me, but no…he was here…beating in my door.

Oh Shit!

I rolled s
ideways, the fallen beach towel
tangling around my legs as I lunged for the bed, on my knees now.
Fuck!
Something hurt…
I grabbed at my thigh, only to realize that I hadn’t removed the razor before falling asleep. I picked it free now, tossing it under my bed and out of sight.

“Brice…don’t come in! I’m fine!” I shrieked, my breath already short from the burst of energy expended without preparation.

“Evelyn? Hold on…I almost got the lock..”

Fuck!

I hadn’t picked out pajamas
or underwear to throw on after
my shower. I heaved myself up by the side of the bed, snatching the skirt I’d worn earlier and stepping into it. I used the towel to wipe the fresh blood
that had started to ooze again in my haste, bunching it over my naked chest and stomach just as Brice burst in the door.

“Get out!” I screamed in horror, my eyes on his face as he looked wildly about my tiny room.

“I…I…heard you screaming. I thought…”

“Well you thought wrong!” I spat, pointing at my open door, and then at him. “Get the fuck out!” I hissed, the towel clenched so tightly in my ha
nd now
my fingers were starting to go numb.

“You don’t have a roommate…” Brice mu
rmured looking over to the stripped
bed on the other side of the room, ignoring my demand.

“She dropped out after first semester…
now
get out!” I repeated, desperation in my voice now as I crossed the room, shoving him backwards.

He stumbled on the welcome rug I had just inside the door, his hands reaching to steady himself. Horror ripped through me as his fingers closed on the towel, jerking it from my clenched hand
s as he landed on his back in the
shared living room.
His eyes widened as he took in my naked breasts and bulging belly, amusement in his features.

The screams were back, my head throbbing as heat and
invisible
pain shot through my entire body. I was shaking, my feet unable to move at my command back through the door
, into safety
. He was standing upright in a flash, reaching for me until I swatted at him, one arm over my chest.

“How dare you!” I shouted
, grabbing my door and swinging it as hard as I could.

“No…how dare you!” he spat, catching it before it could slam.

My bedroom seemed to be closing in around me, his words mangled as my mind tried to process what he was saying.

“You’re the reason why June won’t take me back! I break up with her for three days and she has you filling her head with bad things about me! Look at you!” Brice laughed, kicking my bedroom door hard.
“I
just wanted to talk Evelyn!”

It slammed closed with a bang, snapping free a fresh wave of tears I’d been trying to hold back.

“Please Brice…leave…” I whispered, backing away as he advanced.

“She’s too good for me?! She deserves better than me?! My dick is small anyways?!” Brice screamed the same words I’d spoken
to June during her three day mour
ning period. Except the part about his dick being small…June must have added that in for her own satisfaction.

“I…I never…”

“That’s right?! How would you ever know?!” Brice snickered, grabbing the arm I had clasped over my chest.

“Don’t! Please stop!” I cried when he grabbed both my breasts in his hands and squeezed hard.

“How w
ould you ever know unless you saw
for yourself bitch?!” Brice whispered, his nose barely an inch from mine.

“You’re hurting me!” I sobbed, my hands suddenly pinned when I tried to smack him away from me.

I was big, but he was strong. He spun me before I could react, his hands gripping my bulging belly as he forced me against the bed, bending me over.

“Briiiiiice….Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaase….” I cried when I felt his hands suddenly lifting my skirt from behind, cool air on the back of my
bare cheeks
.

This didn’t happen to fat girls! He was going to….
Oh God that hurt….

I was pinned. A rushing river seemed to be inside my head, the roar so loud that I could no longer tell if I was screaming for real or if it was just inside. The sound of a zipper, and then more weight. Full. Deep. Sharp. Tearing.

My eyes closed
as he continued to grunt out obscenities in my ear. My scalp hurt, my pretty hair clasped in his fingers as he pulled hard, keeping me in place.

Blackness closed in and I gave myself to it willingly. If only I hadn’t thrown the razor under the bed. I could have used it now.

“You don’t deserve to live,” he whispered just as it took me under, a different kind of warmth seeping down my legs now.

He was right. I didn’t.

Chapter 3*

12 a.m.

I blinked as a knock sounded on the outer door of our dorm suite. I hadn’t been back in my bedroom since Brice left. The living room floor was as far as I’d made it after smashing everyth
ing in sight. There wasn’t
much in this room to smash. There were four bedrooms to each dorm suite, three of them housing two girls each. The fourth was a master bedroom reserved for the resident advisor. We all kept out personal items in our rooms, the living room held a T.V., sofa and coffee table. The coffee table had been too heavy to do much damage to, and so I’d flipped it leaving the m
iddle of the floor empty. The TV
was light enough that I’d been able to heave it three separate times at the pictures hanging on the
wall, shattering the image of
three of my roommates
as well as the screen
.
Them with their perfect smiles
and perfect bodies, they mocked me.
That would show them.

The knocked sounded again
and my eyes finally lifted from the burning pages of the Cosmopolitan magazine spread in front of me. There was no smoking in these dorms, but since our resident advisor had moved out a week earlier, the other girls had taken to leaving their ashtrays and lighters in plain sight. Their skinny girl magazines had been the only thing I could burn without going to jail for arson. Served them right. Someone was probably here about the fire though. Strange that the alarm hadn’t gone off.

My hands crossed over my still naked chest, and my eyes lowered as a third knock came, the outer door creaking open this time. We never locked it, our bedroom doors all had keyed entries. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this, but I didn’t have the energy to run and hide in my room.

“What are you doing in here…
Witch!
?” I hissed as a narrow face peeked around the crack.

She didn’t deserve that, but it felt good to see the discomfort flicker across her petite features.

Why should I be the only one in pain?

Long frizzy black locks seem
ed
to be never ending as the girl took one hesitant step into the living room, her dark eyes on my face. Her hair swallowed her up, her tiny frame almost frail looking with it hanging about her shoulders like that. I’d seen her in passing. Floor five…I was almost sure of it.
‘The Witch’ is what June and her friends had started calling the girl when word got around that a dead rabbit had been found in front of her door. Probably a result of fraternity hazing around here, but she’d been the perfect target.
She looked the part, always dressed in black and always muttering to herself.
I rarely saw her out and about in the dorm, much less on campus. She was a
loner.
No friends. Just like me, but
m
isery did not want company right now.

“I smelled fire…” she whispered, her round dark eyes going from my face to the burning magazine. “Did you need help?”

Once again her eyes met mine, her thin lips creasing at the corner into a tiny smile. She looked twelve, wrapped in a plush white terry cloth robe, it swallowed her. I shook my head
, my mouth opening but no sound
coming out at first. A sob was stuck there, and it whined as I swallowed hard, my tongue thick and heavy.

I’d been sitting here
wishing on a star, the moon, genies, birthday cakes, wishing wells
… W
hatever I could think of that would make what just happened not be true. I’d never had a wish granted in my life. That was the stuff kids believed in. I wasn’t a kid anymore, and Brice Honeycutt had just raped me. Nothing was going to make it better.

“Unless you’re here to make me skinny, then no…you can’t help,” I answered coldly, dismissing her as I lowered my head once again.

The fire was closer now. It had spread to the carpet. A few more inches and it would be at the hem of my skirt. Not so horrible a way to die considering what had just happened to me. The door creaked, and I watched the flam
e grow a little bigger, the hea
t from it warming my calves as it inched a little closer. Black ash floated up from the burned pages of the magazine
and I blinked. Black painted finger
nails
now fanned the blaze, water
dousing it from above.

“Your wish has been granted,” the girl whispered, setting
an empty plastic cup beside me, bef
ore turning and leaving
.