Beauty (2 page)

“Well actually…” Brice
drawled as he rolled the dice across the board
again
, his thin lips drawn in a smirk as he looked at me. “That
’s
exactly what I plan on doing when I leave here.
You?
”
he nodded in my direction.

Ass!
He was try
ing to point out that I had no
life, and would probably neither be getting drunk
n
or laid ton
ight. I was a virgin, resentfully
. But he didn’t know that, and he didn’t have to. After all, who would want to sleep with a fat massive blob like me?

“So a party then?” George smiled, his eyes twinkling as he looked at me to
o
. “You hear that Evelyn…you should take her with you. Lord knows Ms. Evelyn here takes everything too seriously. You need to have some fun…”

“George…!” I hissed, my cheeks flaming as I fought to keep from looking at Brice directly.

How embarrassing!
I was being set up by a
seventy
year old man.

“That’s not necessary really… I have plans tonight…”

“Really…? Like what?” Brice countered, that same smirk on his face as he move
d
his game piece another seven squares.

“Yeah like what?” George piped up
with a tiny grin
, snatching the dice from the board.

“Like…”

Shit!
I hated being put on the spot. They both probably knew I didn’t have plans. What is it with everyone picking on the fat girl.
I’m Fat! OKAY! I Get it!
Nobody wants a fat chick at a party chock
ed
full of college hotties.

If I could do anything about it I would have already. I’d
been born chubby, and had continued to be
chub
by all my life. Diets, exercise
, starvation…none of that worked for me. If there was a pill for it, I’d taken it. The only thing that I hadn’t tried was surgery, and that wasn’t going to happen. My parents were middle class enough to secure a few students loans for my college education, but that was about it.

I scowled as they waited, both looking at me expectantly.

“Like coming with me tonight…” Brice smiled at George, the smirk gone from his face as he pulled his phone free from his pocket.

“I…can’t…Brice…and you know why!” I added, my fingers wringing together now at George’s puzzled look.

He was off again, muttering more to himself, but loud enough for me to catch the words hussy and no good.

“Look Evelyn…if this is about June…”

“Of course it’s about June! She’s my friend…”

“No…she’s not,” Brice said evenly, tapping a few buttons on his phone before sliding it back in his pocket. “I broke up with her because she’s fake. Her and her other friends too… You weren’t at the party last Friday…why?” he asked, his eyes rolling as I shook my head.

“How dare you… And it’s none of your business why I wasn’t there. I don’t do parties,” I huffed,
my head held a little higher than before
.

Shit! He probably thought I was an uppity bitch now…
The truth was, with my neck stretched out, my double chin wasn’t as visible, and the reason why I didn’t do parties, is because I’d never been asked. But even if I wanted to, I couldn’t go to a party with Brice… June would…

“Is it because you’re over
weight?” Brice pressed, that smirk back on his face again.

Fuck him!

“Fuck you…” I hissed, shoving myself up from the chair
in one heave.

My belly jiggled as did my arms and thighs as I fled the rec room in a fast walk. I could feel him watching me as I turned the corner by
the
reception
desk
, bursting through the glass double doors and out into the parking lot.

That prick! How dare he call me fat! How dare he….

“Evelyn! Wait!....”

Shit! He
followed me! What now…!?!?

“I wasn’t calling you fat… I mean I wasn’t saying that…”

Brice’s words
trailed off as he caught up to me, a blush creeping into his cheeks as I whirled on him, my skirt billowing around me like a cloud. The pretty boy was flustered. Dark hazel eye
s stared back at me, his normal
carefully arranged brown hair now mused as he ran his hand over his head in frustration.

“Look Evelyn…I meant what I said back there…you look nice today…and I would like you to come to the party. Even if it’s not with me…”

“Why? Is this some sort of joke?! Laugh at the fat chick! Make fun at my expense!”

I was shouting now, but it didn’t matter. The parking lot was empty except the two of us, and even if any of the residents had been outside, they probably wouldn’t have been able to hear me anyway.

“What?! No!” Brice protested, gr
abbing at my shoulder
before I could back away from him.

I cringed as the
warmth of his hand slipped to
the soft flesh of my bicep; it probably felt disgusting to him.

“Get off me!”
I cried, shoving my stiffened fingers into his chest
as hard as I could.

“
Dammit
! Evelyn really? What’s your problem?!”

“You! You’re my problem! And everyone else too!”

There. I’d said it.
The screams inside of me grew a little louder,
sending my head in
to
a nauseating spin. It wasn’t fair that I was ugly and he wasn’t. It wasn’t fair that everyone used me as their personal stepping stool and I let them. It wasn’t fair that I hadn’t looked in a full length mirror since my mother had forced me to go to my senior prom wearing a bright yellow gown that made me look like a short yellow school bus.
It wasn’t fair that I was stuck being fat for the rest of my miserable life.

“I like you…” Brice blurted suddenly, shattering my inner screams into a million pieces for a moment.

Of course he would say that! He probably needed my help getting June back!

“Sure Brice…uh huh…” I mumbled, turning away before he could see the tears in my eyes.

My fingers f
umbled, but thankfully there were
only two keys on the lanyard I wore around my neck: o
ne for my car and one for my do
r
m
room. My car door was open and I was stuffing myself inside the tiny Jetta before
Brice thought to jump forward.
He caught the door frame just as I tried to pull it close
d
, a hesitant smile on his face now.

“My place…ten…? I’ll wait until 10:30 if I have to. If we don’t get there by eleven all the good booze will be gone.”

“Brice…”

“Don’t…” he interrupted my protest, his hands thrown up in surrender, releasing my door. “Don’t say no right now. Think about
it
Evelyn. You made it through your first year of college…surely you want to celebrate? If you come…I’ll be happy… If
not… Maybe another time…?” he asked, but I knew he didn’t really mean it as a question because before I could open my mouth he had turned and headed across the parking lot in the opposite direction.

I slammed the door with more force than was necessary for my raggedy old car. The hinges were barely holding on by the rust that had taken over the entire body. Gentle treatment was what had kept her going this long, but I was too mad to care. My foot slammed on the accelerator as soon as I got it started. First, second and then third gear squealed through my fingertips as I shifted with a vengeance, dodging my way in and out of Friday night traffic.

Brice Honeycutt had just asked me on a date… Sort of…

It would take more than a cute smile to convince me that he was a chubby chaser. I was not going to that party, and June would be the first one to know what had happened today. She was my friend.

Chapter 2*

I couldn’t stop watching the clock. 8:30 I’d walked into my room and collapsed on my bed, my emotions up and down as I replayed the conversation with Brice over and over in my head. When the
tears started to come again, I
swiped them away and stomped off to the communal shower, thankful that I seemed to be the only person in on a Friday night. I usually tried to time my showers as early in the morning as possible.
If you weren’t
a resident advisor t
here was no privacy in these dorms, and I usually left the bathroom with my clothing drenched from undressing under the soaking wet spray. Having to hang them up to dry every day was better than the risk
of
being seen naked by any of the girls that lived on floor six with me.

9:00, I’d stood in front of my closet for twenty whole minutes playing a game of: if I were going to the party I would wear this…or th
is…or this… Except, there had been nothin
g hanging in there that I’d wear to a party. Every dress that I owned was made for hiding my round body as much as possible
,
not showing it off
. Sexy was not in my vocabulary or my wardrobe when it came to
‘going out’.

9:30 I slammed the closet door closed angrily, jumping back when the sheet I had covering the full length mirror jerked free and floated to the floor. There stood me, in all my round glory, an extra large beach towel barely covering what I didn’t want to see. Panic shot through me as I bent to retrieve the sheet, closing my eyes against the hideously fat girl reflected back at me. She was more than just fat, she was ugly! A double chin and pudgy cheeks jiggled back at me in the mirror as I stretched on tiptoe to tuck the sheet back over the top of the closet door. One side covered, and the towel slipped. The floor rumbled and I screamed, my arms flailing as I lost my balance diving for it, my body practically bouncing when my wet shower shoes slid out from under me.

I was no longer watching the clock. My eyes were fixed on the massive blob in the mirror. Legs ske
wed, belly heaving, I looked like three layers of beach balls p
iled on top of each other. Dull brown
eyes met mine in the mi
rror, and I cringed as the
tears finally escaped. The only pretty thing about me was the shoulder length hair on my head, blonde highlights gracing dark brown locks. I’d donated more than ten inches of hair the summer before I started college, and my mother had insisted on a new look for my new beginning. She was right. The highlights did bring out the tone of my skin. Sun kissed despite my efforts to stay out of the sun and keep as much of me covered as possible. That little thought made me cry harder. Pretty hair did nothing to dull the pain I was feeling. Why me? Why wasn’t I born skinny? Why did I have to be
so
fat? So ugly…?

I hadn’t seen myself naked in years. I closed my eyes when I dr
essed, and I was always careful
not to let m
y
hands smooth over my body. Looking in the mirror now, I felt sick, my eyes traveling from the tiny rolls in my neck, down my thick arms and over my swollen belly. I couldn’t even see my womanhood without leaning back and spreading my thighs, and even then the unkempt mass of curls between my legs hid what I refused to acknowledge unless I was on my period. I was too fat to reach down there and shave it off like all the skinny girls around here did. Some of them even shaved each other, not at all embarrassed if you walked in on them doing it in the communal bathroom.

“Who would ever want you?!” I sneered at the mirror through a snob, my eyes closing on the pathetic looking blob splayed on the floor.

Those six feet under kind of screams I mentioned earlier… They were back with a vengeance now, my body curling into a fetal like position
as I lay down
on the carpet, my head against the closet door. I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t do it anymore. But I needed the pain to go away. I’d promised myself the same thing last week and the week before that, but still I reached for the box hidden
between the closet and my desk. I didn’t need to look to pull out what my fingers sought. Pain shot through my hand, and I didn’t even flinch as I pulled the shiny razor free, bright red blood already trickling from the quarter inch slice on my index finger.

This was new. I’d never watched myself cut before. I usually waited until I knew everyone was in bed, and the lights were out.
But no one was here. They were all out celebrating.
I could barely feel it in my hand
i
t weighed so little. M
y chubby fingers handled it expertly
,
turning the blade so that it was positioned in between my thumb and
bloody
index finger.
On
my elbow
,
I heaved myself into a sitting position, my tears shooting downward instead of sideways
now
wi
th the sudden change in direction
.