Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (13 page)

Chris

I stretch my arms over my head and give a big yawn. I don’t want to get up, but I know I need to. I roll to my side, open my eyes, and see dark sheets.

Wait.

The cover on Nick’s couch is a light color, not the navy blue I’m currently looking at. The pillow feels different too. It’s soft, but firm.

Memories of what happened last night come flooding in and my face heats at the reminder. What Nick said last night cut deep and has me clutching my chest from the pain. I had no idea I appeared so desperate to him.

God
!

What an idiot I’ve been. Yes, I care for Nick and want to help him get over his grief. I know I could never replace Anna; that’s never been my goal. My goal isn’t even to get him to care for me. I just want him to realize there is life after her. That it is still possible to be happy. I would love it if I could give him that happiness, but that’s not why I feel the need to be there for him. I don’t know why I have this strong need, but it’s something I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop it. It’s important for some reason.

As soon as he walked out the door last night, I ran to his room. I don’t know if he ever came back in, but I didn’t want to be present if he did. I couldn’t stand to look at him after what he said. He obviously doesn’t want me, friend or otherwise. For him to say I was acting desperate made me feel dirty. It didn’t feel right to sleep in his bed, but I didn’t want to take the chance of him saying something else to me, so I chose the safer route and slept here. I don’t even know why he offered his bed. It’s not like he cares if I’m comfortable or not.

There’re two pillows on his bed. I chose to sleep on the one that looked less used. I now stare at the other one. I hesitantly reach out and lay my hand on it. I know my head is playing tricks on me when I feel warmth coming from it. I curl my fingers and watch my hand fist the pillow. I slowly bring it forward until I have my face buried in it. I instantly smell his woodsy scent, and tears prick my eyes.

I keep my head there for several moments, just breathing in. I wish things could be different between us. It’s not that I wish he’d never had Anna. That would be wrong. Obviously, their love was epic. But I can’t help but wish we could have met in another lifetime. That way I could have had Nick without all the anguish. I would love to have seen what he was like before Anna died.

I wish I could just keep my face buried in his pillow forever. I love the smell of him. But that would be stupid and is a heartache waiting to happen. Inhaling deep one more time, I release his pillow and flip the covers back. After getting up and using the bathroom, I walk back out, flip the light switch, and look around his room. It was too dark the other day to get a good look.

The walls are a soft white, with light blue trim around the windows. They’re clean but it’s plain to see the paint is old. In one corner there’s a chair with a footstool in front of it. Beside it sits a small round table. The massive bed where I just slept is a four-poster. The head and footboards are made of dark wood, with nightstands on either side. Across from the bed is a tall dark dresser. There’s a closed door to the left that’s probably a closet. A desk and chair are in the opposite corner from the ottoman. There are clothes thrown about and the dresser is cluttered with random things. A pair of boots lie beside the desk. Although this room is well lived-in, it still feels empty, plain. It sounds stupid and silly, but there’s no emotion in this room.

A few moments later, I walk out to the living room, anxious about the mood he’ll be in. I don’t have to worry, though, because he’s not in there or in the kitchen. He did come in, though, because the couch is folded back and the blanket and sheet are in a mess on it. I walk over and fold them. I hear a creak at the front door and glance over. Through the curtains, I see him sitting on the love seat.

Still not ready to face him, I grab my bag off the floor by the couch and take it with me to the bathroom. I pull clean clothes out, get dressed, and brush my teeth and hair.

I make my customary silly face and then walk back out, dropping my bag in the hallway. A glance to the front window confirms Nick is still outside. Walking past the door, I opt to pour a cup of coffee first from the pot that’s already made.

All too soon, my cup is finished. Dread fills my stomach at what I might encounter when I walk outside. Gathering every bit of courage I have, I slowly make my way to the door. I hate this feeling.

The screen door creaks as I open it. Nick is still in the same clothes as last night. His feet are bare and are propped up on the railing in front of him. His sleeves are pushed up to his elbows, showing off muscular forearms crossed over his chest. He doesn’t say anything or look my way as I walk to the railing and rest my arms on it.

Deciding to stay silent as well, I look out to the yard. The sun is up, but it’s shady outside because of all the trees. A cool breeze whips across my arms, sending a shiver through me. Off to the left is the barn with peeling red paint. I don’t think it’s a traditional barn that houses farm animals, but just a huge garage. The grass is a lush green and thick. It’s beautiful out here. You almost feel like you’re in a private world, with the coverage of trees and their stunning colors. It must be a shame when winter hits and all the leaves fall.

“How’s your brother?” Nick asks, startling me.

I glance over my shoulder at him to see him still looking out into the yard. He looks relaxed, the constant scowl that’s usually on his face absent at the moment.

“He’s fine. Healing good.” I chuckle. “He’s about done with Andrew’s hovering though. Says he keeps babying him.”

Jase was shot a little over a month ago when I was held hostage by his ex. The dumb ass charged Damien in attempt to get the aim off me and got hurt in the process.

I shudder when I think of how much worse it could have been. The bullet grazed his lung and it collapsed. Surgery was needed to take the bullet out and to make sure nothing else vital was hit. He was very lucky. I thank God every day that he’s okay.

Andrew took it really hard. Seeing the love of his life laid out on the ground bleeding almost destroyed him. Now’s he’s waiting hand and foot on Jase, which is driving Jase bonkers, but I understand the need to feel useful, wanting to take the pain away from the ones we love in any way we can.

“And you?” Nick asks.

Surprised at his question, I turn to face him. He’s still not looking at me, but the relaxed expression is gone. His jaw’s hard and his eyes are narrowed as he continues to look over the railing.

Why would he care how I am? I wasn’t even sure he knew what had happened until he asked me about Jase. But then again, I’m sure Jaxon keeps him in the loop of current events in Jaded Hollow just because he lives here. He has no reason to want to know how I handled the attack. And he doesn’t know Jase well enough to really care about what happened to him. I’m not saying he doesn’t care, I’m sure he wouldn’t want anything to happen to Jase or me, but for him to ask about either of us, especially me, is surprising.

I don’t answer right away. Instead I remember his hands on me last night. Having him touch me felt right, perfect. When he buried his face in my neck, I wanted to grab hold of his head and keep it there always. The woodsy scent of him engulfed me and held me hostage as his hands roamed down my back to my ass. Feeling my center meet his hard thigh and then hip nearly had me climaxing. Never have I felt something as good as having him touch me the way he did. It’s crazy, but it felt like something clicked into place, like what we were doing was meant to be, like we were meant to be.
That’s
what makes it crazy, because we aren’t meant to be. I don’t know what we are, but Nick was never meant to be mine. He was made for someone else. Me? I have no idea what or who I was made for. Maybe I was made to pine after someone who pines after someone else. Maybe I was never meant to find that one person to fulfill every part of me.

Nick’s body may have responded to mine, but that’s all it was. Sexual chemistry. Hell, it could have been any woman in that moment, and his body could have reacted. It wasn’t because it was
me
. I just happened to be there.

That thought brings an ache to my chest, and I look down, no longer able to look at him at the moment.

Knowing he doesn’t really care, I answer him anyway.

“I’m fine, too.”

He’s quiet, so I look back at him. His eyes are pinned on me, like he’s gauging to see if my answer it truthful.

I turn back to the yard and watch as the sun filters through leaves and branches. It shoots beams through to the ground. It really is breathtaking.

“It’s beautiful. You must love living here,” I tell Nick.

I hear the love seat creak as he shifts positions. “It was my parents’ place. It was left to me when they died.”

I hear the ache in his voice, and I want to go comfort him. I learned from Bailey that Nick’s parents died when he was seventeen. Because he was so close to becoming a legal adult, he was allowed to stay here on his own instead of being made to live with another relative. He has no family left in Jaded Hollow, so he would have been forced to move away. He’s lived here all his life, and the judge felt since he was already working and the house was paid for, he would be fine on his own the last few months before he turned eighteen.

“I’m sorry about your parents. It must have been hard to lose them that young. It was a car accident, right?”

He drops his feet from the railing and leans up, placing his elbows on his knees, still gazing forward. He has a sad faraway look in his eyes now, like he’s remembering that time.

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “My dad had just gotten the brakes done in his car earlier that day. They said it was a faulty brake line. Thousands were recalled after that, but it was only my parents, a mother and child, and an old man who died because of it.”

My heart goes out to him. It’s hard enough to lose one parent, but to lose both in the same day would be beyond devastating. Especially because of some mistake that could have been prevented. My parents are hard to live with, can sometimes be unreasonable, specifically with Jase, and sometimes I want to strangle them, but I can’t imagine losing either of them.

I turn to the side and cock a hip against the railing. The old red barn catches my attention and I remember the question I asked him yesterday while he was chopping wood. It’s not really important, but I’m curious. And I’m enjoying the quiet talk between us without the animosity that usually comes from him.

“Why were you chopping wood yesterday?”

He looks at me for a moment and then rises from the love seat. He walks over and mirrors my stance with his hip propped against the railing, facing me. He watches me curiously.

“Every fall I chop wood for Mr. and Mrs. Cooper. They depend solely on their fireplace to keep warm in the winter, and he’s too old to do it himself.”

“That’s very sweet of you,” I tell him with a smile.

He shrugs and plays it off. “It’s no big deal. I’ve been doing it for years.”

“It is to them,” I say gently.

We turn back to the yard and stand in silence for a while, both leaning our elbows on the railing. It’s not much, but the easiness between us the last thirty minutes is addicting. I wish it could always be like this, but I’m not under the illusion it’ll stay this way. I know it’s only a glimpse in time, but I savor it nonetheless.

Hating to break the unspoken truce, but knowing I need to broach the subject, I brace myself for the hateful Nick to come back.

“I know this is hard, and I know you’ll hate me for bringing it up, but you need to talk to Bailey.” He turns to me, brow arched, waiting for an explanation. I swallow before forcing myself to continue. “She still feels so much guilt, Nick. Have you even spoken to her about it?”

His eyes lose the easy look, just like I knew they would. His teeth grind together, and I see a throb on his temple. I know from watching other encounters that anytime someone brings up what happened, he gets pissy.

“It’s none of your business whether I’ve talked to her or not,” he says between clenched teeth. “I don’t need you butting in or dictating what I do.”

Straightening my spine and squaring my shoulders, I prepare for battle. I’m not backing down from this. It’s too important.

“Actually, it is my business,” I counter, holding my ground when he squints at me. “Bailey is my friend and she’s in pain. You have the power to help lessen it. I know you’re hurting too, but you need to think of someone else besides yourself for once.”

For a moment I think he’s going to lash out, like literally lash out. I’ve never felt even the smallest amount of fear that Nick would ever put his hands on a woman, but in that moment, it looks like he wants to wrap his hands around my throat and squeeze. It’s in his blazing blue eyes and the way he’s tightening and loosening his hands into fists. I’m sure he’s probably picturing them around my throat.

Although I want to shy away, I stand firm and before I know it, the intense look is gone. I feel foolish for even thinking he would lay a hand on me. I may not know Nick well, but one thing I’m sure of is he would never intentionally hurt a woman. Not physically anyway. Emotionally he’s already done quite a bit of damage to me, and I’m sure he knows it.