Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (10 page)

“I will. Thank you, Bailey. Love you,” I tell her.

“Love you too, sweetie.”

After we hang up, I release a tired sigh and drop my phone on the coffee table. Nick’s going to shit a brick when he finds out I’m not leaving, but he’ll have to learn to suck it up.

I slip my shoes on and walk out on the porch. Nick is walking off toward the large shed, his shoulders stiff. Jaxon and Mac are by Jaxon’s truck. I walk over to them.

“Hey,” I greet them.

“You staying?” Jaxon asks.

I nod.

“He’s not going to be happy about it,” Mac says next.

“I know.”

“He’s already pissed because I brought you here in the first place.”

I give Jaxon a half smile. “I know that, too.”

“How are things here?” he asks.

It takes me a few seconds to answer. I turn my head in the direction Nick walked off to. I don’t see him anymore. When I turn back to Jaxon and Mac, they are both watching me with troubled eyes.

“He was mad when I told him I poured out all his booze, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. He’s mostly quiet, trying to avoid me.”

Jaxon nods, reaches out, and puts his hand on my shoulder.

“I know this is hard for you. I really appreciate you doing this. We all do. I really do think you’ll be the one to pull him out, Chris, but if it gets to be too much, let me know. We’ll figure something else out. We won’t let anything happen to him.”

I know what he’s referring to, and from the look on Mac’s face, he does too. Jaxon must have told him about the gun we found. He obviously didn’t tell Bailey, because she would have mentioned it, or at the very least been more upset on the phone. I’m grateful he didn’t tell her. She already carries enough guilt.

I don’t know if what Jaxon says is true. I don’t know if I can help pull Nick out of the misery he’s in, but I’ll damn sure give it all I’ve got.

“I’ll be fine. He can be an asshole, but I’ll bite back if I need to.” I give both Jaxon and Mac a smile.

Jaxon reaches in the back of his truck and pulls out a small travel bag.

“Bailey packed you a couple changes of clothes and some essentials,” he says, handing me the bag.

“Thank you.”

“Call one of us if you need anything, okay?” Mac says, leaning over to give me a hug. At my ear, he whispers, “Watch him for us.”

I pull back from him and look into his eyes. He’s really worried about his friend. It hurts to see all these people upset over someone they love. I know my parents loved me and Jase, but we’ve never had the type of love these people feel for Nick. And me and Jase now. One thing I’ve learned about the people of Jaded Hollow, especially my friends: when they accept you into their fold, they love you fiercely, they consider you theirs, and will do anything for you.

“I will.”

I lean up on my toes and give Mac a kiss on the cheek and then do the same to Jaxon.

We say good-bye, and I watch as they get in Jaxon’s truck and pull away. I look again over at the barn, but there’s still no sign of Nick.

Pulling in a deep breath, I decide to leave him alone for a while and go back into the house.

I put my bag down by the couch and wander around aimlessly. I go to the kitchen to make myself another cup of coffee. Leaning against the counter, I spy another door. I set my coffee down and decide to see what’s on the other side. Opening it, I discover a set of stairs leading down to a basement. After flipping the light switch, I take the stairs slowly. The room at the bottom is big and filled with gym equipment.

What’s up with men and having a gym in their basement? Jaxon has one as well.

An image pops in my head of Nick lifting weights, sweat pouring down his stomach and his arms bulging with exertion. Him punching the speed bag, the muscles in his back stretching with each swing. His abs hardening each time he lifts weights.

I feel a tremor at the visions and goose bumps appear on my arms.

I see another door off to the left, and I walk over to it. A blast of cold air hits me when I’m standing in front of the door. I look up at the ceiling, expecting to see an air vent, but there isn’t one. Tingles go up my neck. I have no idea why, but I get a feeling there is something important behind this door.

I glance over my shoulder because it feels like someone is looking at me. Of course, no one is there. Feeling foolish, I reach out and grab the doorknob. The silver metal is cold. I twist the knob and the door opens soundlessly.

Light filtering from the room behind me shows several boxes stacked on top of each other. I reach my hand out to the wall beside the door without looking until I find the light switch and flip it. There’re more boxes along the walls. There has to be at least twenty altogether. Most have “Anna” written on them. Some are taped shut, while others are open with the contents sticking out of the top. One box is turned on its side, books spilling out of it. It looks like it was purposely kicked or pushed over, as there’s a dent in the cardboard. Obviously Nick has been in here recently. Or he comes in here a lot.

Knowing I shouldn’t, it’s an invasion of privacy, but unable to help myself, I walk over to the nearest open box and look inside. It’s full of picture albums. I pull one out and flip through page after page of Nick and Anna, just Anna, Anna with Jaxon and Mia, or Anna with her whole family. Every single picture has Anna in it. Looking at the ones with both her and Nick, it’s amazing to see the difference in him. His eyes shine bright, the color on his face is healthy, and he wears a stunning smile as he looks down at the girl in his arms.

I’m not jealous of Anna; how could I be when she brought out pure joy in Nick? But I do wish I could have known him before. Before the sadness hit that constantly leaves a black look on his face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile in the almost two years I’ve known him.

I slide the album back in the box and move on to the next one. This one is full of clothes. The next box is smaller and has jewelry in it, most of which looks like costume jewelry, but there are a few pieces that seem expensive. A bigger box has a bunch of magazines, color schemes, a couple of notebooks with designs and notes in them, and various other items. I assume these are the ideas and plans that Nick and Anna made for remodeling the house.

I kneel down beside the box that’s tipped on its side and right it. When I pick up one of the leather-bound books and flip to the first page, I realize it’s Anna’s diary. They all must be diaries, because they all look about the same, with the exception of some being older than others.

Curiosity gets the best of me, and I sit beside the box with one of the older books in my lap. I know I shouldn’t. I know Nick would kill me if he knew I was reading something as private as Anna’s diary, but I feel a need to. A need I can’t push away.

Looking over at the door one last time to make sure I’m still alone, I open the book to the first page.

May 19, 1999

Dear Diary,

One of the best things happened today. Finally, after fantasizing for so long, Nick kissed me. It was the single most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and it’s something I will never forget for the rest of my life. I was so nervous, but after the first couple of minutes, the nervousness went away and was replaced by a thousand butterflies in my stomach. I swear there were so many butterflies I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had floated away from them flying in my stomach. The way his lips felt against mine was both scary and exciting. I hope we do it again soon.

I smile as I read Anna’s words. I have no doubt I would have liked her. The way everyone talks about her, I know she was very special.

I skip ahead a few entries.

June 30, 1999

Dear Diary,

There was a boy at school today that was picking on me. His name is Tommy. I was standing by my locker when he came up to me, calling me nasty names and then knocked my books from my arms. His friends were laughing and pointing at me and all I could do was cry. I hate Tommy. All he’s ever been is mean to me.

I was sniffling my tears away and bending down to pick up my books when Nick came out of nowhere and punched him in the nose. There was blood everywhere. It was nasty, but I couldn’t help but feel good about it because Tommy deserved it. In Nick’s deep voice that always send shivers down my spine, he told him the next time he saw him picking on me he would put him in the hospital. When I looked at Nick, I could tell he was telling the truth. He looked very angry.

Then Nick came to me, wiped the tears from my cheeks and kissed me softly on the lips. He told me everything would be okay, and promised he would make sure Tommy didn’t bother me anymore. Everything was right in the world again. I knew Nick would do what he said. That’s the type of person he is. He always keeps his promises. That’s why I love him so much. That’s why I’m going to marry him someday.

A tear trails down my cheek at Anna’s dream that never came true. Although I want Nick for my own, I still feel sorry that Anna never got her happily ever after.

I read several more entries, some involving Nick and some not, but the one constant is that Anna is a very charming person. I can see why everyone in town loved her. Her personality demanded it, and if you didn’t, you were missing out on one of life’s precious gifts.

I tuck the diary back in the box and get to my feet. I’ve been down here long enough. The last thing I need is for Nick to find me down here.

I look around the room one more time before leaving, turning the light off and closing the door behind me. I head back up the stairs and switch that light off as well. Getting a peek into Nick and Anna’s life left me feeling hopeless. I know Nick loved Anna, still loves her, but I couldn’t help but secretly wish he could maybe one day hold feelings for me. I could never replace Anna, I know that, but I’m coming to wonder if it’s even possible for Nick to develop even a smidgeon of what he held for his first and only love. The hold he still hasn’t released on Anna makes me think it’s impossible. I wouldn’t want him to forget their life together or the love they shared, but maybe open more of himself up? It seems so unrealistic now though.

Once in the kitchen, I decide to dig around to see what I can make for dinner. Looking through the freezer, the only thing I find is some hamburger meat. I put it on the counter to defrost. I’m sure I can do something with it. I look through the pantry and find a couple cans of kidney beans and a can of tomatoes on the top shelf. Chili it is, then.

I look out the window over the sink, wondering where Nick is. What he’s doing. What he’s thinking right now.

I wash the few dishes in the sink. After, I take a seat on the couch and grab the remote to see what’s on TV.

Nick needs time to himself. I know when to push and when to withdraw, and the hard set of his shoulders as he walked away from Jaxon and Mac earlier said
do not fuck with me right now
.

I hate feeling helpless like this. I hate not knowing what to do to help him. I would give almost anything to see the Nick I saw in the pictures downstairs.
 

Nick

I swing the ax over my shoulder until it meets wood and relish the burn it leaves behind on my arms. I reach up and swipe the sweat from my forehead with the back of my arm. I took my shirt off an hour ago when it started sticking to me from the sweat. I’ve been at this for hours. My back is getting stiff, and I know I’ll be sore tomorrow, but I can’t stop. I need the exertion so my thoughts don’t drift off.

I don’t know which is worse; thoughts of Anna or remembering what Chris looked like standing in my kitchen in nothing but her shirt and panties. And it wasn’t one of those shirts that girls wear that goes down to below their ass. Oh fuck no, this shirt was the kind that barely covers the stomach, so I got a full-frontal view of her goods, which had my own goods turning hard. Her smooth pale legs taunted me, reminding me I haven’t had sex in over two years. Her white panties with a little strip of sexy black lace around the leg holes practically had me drooling.

Then an image of Anna in nothing but her bra and panties, laughing in the kitchen while we cooked breakfast together, steals through my mind, bringing on a whole slew of emotions. Pain for losing the one woman who was my entire life. Irrational anger for Anna leaving me. Guilt for blaming Anna for leaving me. Remorse for not making it to Anna in time. Rage at Chris for making me want something I have no right wanting.

I hate myself in that moment because it took everything in me to not walk up to Chris, turn her around, bend her over the counter, and force my way into her warm body. I wanted to beat my dick and mind into submission and make them realize the same thing my heart realizes: I don’t want Chris.

I throw the two logs off to the side and place another on the thick stump I’m using. I bring the ax over my shoulder and let one hand slide down the handle when I swing it forward again. I hit the log hard and feel the vibrations of the ax going through it until it hits the stump.