Asperger's on the Job: Must-Have Advice for People With Asperger's or High Functioning Autism, and Their Employers, Educators, and Advocates (6 page)

Mix: one logical approach to life, one aversion to emotional situations, and add a dash of difficulty expressing yourself; put it in the world to bake for a few years and out comes Mr. Spock.

Yet people with AS
can
be incredibly compassionate and kind and AS does not preclude empathy (Hesman-Saey 2008). They will open doors for the elderly, give change to the homeless, rescue wounded animals, give aid to a friend in need. But there are times, when:

1. Empathy pathways are bypassed,
   due to a high level of stress or anxiety or feeling “attacked.” If there is any sort of drama going on and the AS person feels like they are being accused or implicated, they may become defensive, angry, or shut down. They might not find the right words, go silent, or stutter if upset.
   
2. They feel empathy but don’t know how to go about expressing it.
   This is called
   alexythimia.
   It means difficulty identifying and describing emotions, both your own and others’ (Wikipedia 2008). It is a common component of AS. Reaching out to a person with alexythimia can make for some awkward moments. For example, you may be telling them about something awful that happened to you and they will point out something worse that happened to somebody else. It sounds as if they have no sympathy for you. In reality they are trying to make you feel better but are going about it rather clumsily.
   
3. The situation is something they’ve never experienced first-hand, so they truly do not know what it feels like and cannot imagine.
   This is a problem of “theory of mind”—not fully realizing that others have feelings and thoughts different than your own. If a person with AS has never experienced the death of a loved one, for example, they may really have no idea how that feels and may not be the person to turn to for soft words and kind gestures.
   

• Have a sense of humor ... and humility. It will make getting past the blunder a whole lot smoother. A person with AS who says something politically incorrect can follow it up with “Oops, sorry, you know what I can be like. What I
  meant
  to say is......” And they can get out of a potentially serious scrape that way.
  
• If your co-workers could be trusted to know your diagnosis without using it against you, this is one of the many reasons why disclosure would be a good thing. If people don’t know you have AS, they may be less quick to forgive and forget. (Disclosure is discussed at length in the chapter “To Tell Or Not to Tell.”)
  
• Be yourself, but as far as topics of conversation go, “when in doubt, leave it out” is probably the best advice. Understand that the things you like to talk about are not necessarily the things that others do.
  
• Try to find a mentor, someone whom you can bounce ideas off, whether it’s a brother or sister, friend, or colleague. They can help you learn the limits of social topics appropriate for your workplace. Those things may vary somewhat depending on whether you work in a coffee house or an insurance company, but there are still limits if you want to avoid putting your foot in your mouth.
  
• Think about the qualities you like in others (e.g., tact, humor, gentleness) and what you don’t, and hold yourself to that same standard.
  
• Don’t overcompensate by being “too nice” just to make friends if it is not sincere. That will catch up with and exhaust you if you attempt it for too long.
  
• Accessing emotions can be learned, especially if one is supported and in a loving environment where it is safe to do so. Try talking about how you feel with someone you trust.
  
• Try writing down your thoughts and feelings to better understand yourself: your likes, dislikes, positive and negative thoughts, and motivations. Journal your experiences at work and in life.
  
• For those with spiritual inclinations, the Buddhist/eastern practice of “mindfulness” to foster empathy and compassion for others has been mentioned as a good technique for those with AS, as is the Christian “golden rule” of doing unto others as you would have done unto you.
  

• Don’t take it personally if your AS employee says something insensitive. They are compassionate; they just don’t know how to show it sometimes.
  
• They may just have an excellent point if you can overlook the delivery.
  
• Be patient and have a sense of humor. The brain is a flexible organ and is constantly making new connections and experiencing revelations. Social skills can be acquired, at least to some extent.
  
• If you don’t have the time or desire to mentor this employee, perhaps someone in the office, someone who has an abundance of people skills and tact, and who is completely
  nonjudgmental,
  can give them a few pointers.
  
• If they have been a bit callous, or un-empathetic, take them aside and give them a working example or anecdote they can
  relate to
  rather than telling them how they
  “should”
  feel.
  
• If they are about to make a political blunder, try to explain the possible consequences logically, as if discussing future chess moves, rather than making them feel bad or inept.
  

Think about why you feel compassion towards a film or other fictional character but not a real person.

Who is more important?

E
motional detachment doesn’t just extend to words; an AS person’s facial expression may be blank at times. Their face won’t always match the way that they feel; nor will their expression be what one might expect in a given situation. This is a hallmark of Asperger’s Syndrome and is part of the diagnostic criteria for AS:

.... marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction. (APA 2000)

“My facial expressions don’t always match the way I’m feeling.”

- SCOTT

Having impaired or limited facial expression does not mean a person with Asperger’s is
always
blank, they may at times be quite animated, or have a beautiful smile that lights up a room when they show it, but its appearance will be unpredictable. Not receiving the facial response we expect from another can be confusing and disconcerting. We might be tempted to try to figure out what they are thinking.

• An AS person may just be lost in their own thoughts.
  
• Sometimes they don’t smile because they aren’t aware that it is the appropriate response.
  
• It could also be anxiety, which comes with the territory of autism.
  

Pointing out the AS person’s unusual appearance would be counterproductive:

“They would all make comments about how I looked. I hated it, and I would find it hard to look happy for the rest of the day. Of course, that would bring more difficulties, because they would now ask “why do you look so sad?” till it was time to go.”

- BEN, 33, MA SPECIAL ED

“Limited facial expression” is not going to apply to all people with AS at all times. We do not have physically paralyzed facial muscles, and we can learn to manipulate them just like any other muscles. Seeing frequent images of ourselves, now made possible with the proliferation of camera-phones, webcams, and digital cameras, can be very helpful to that end.

Facial recognition:
People with AS have a little bit of difficulty immediately recognizing faces—even close friends, family, or partners. The usual flicker of recognition in the eyes, the smile, those things may be missing when they see you. They may look at you blankly for a moment, even several moments, before they realize who you are. By then they may be too embarrassed to say anything. This can be perplexing; you may think they have forgotten you; you may assume that they don’t like you, or are giving you the brush-off for whatever reason. This is not the case—there is a delay in
assembling the details of the face and matching it with the person’s name and identity.

Eye contact:
Many with AS do not make or hold eye contact easily. Avoiding someone’s gaze is traditionally thought of as being indicative of guilt or lying. (It can also show a lack of confidence, a mortal sin in a culture that currently prizes confidence over substance.) For the person with Asperger’s it is an aversion to sensory input. Making eye contact has been described by some as physically hurting them, being confusing, or containing too much information. As a result of not being able to make eye contact, others may form a low opinion of this person, particularly if they are unaware of their condition, or they don’t have an understanding of AS. They/you might assume the person had something to hide. The person with Asperger’s often gets a bad rap because of this. They seem guilty. If you do catch their gaze (or take their picture) they might look like a deer caught in headlights.

When asked what the most difficult part of office/warehouse life was:

“Social gatherings. Having people sing “happy birthday to you” when you can’t meet their gaze. People joking but you don’t know when they’re joking and when they’re serious.”

- GAVIN, MS, AERONAUTICAL ENGINEER IN HIS THIRTIES

“I know I come off as blunt and arrogant, and I really try to be careful. I have trouble with eye contact. After a little while, I guess I just don’t seem that likeable, or a little unusual. I don’t seem to have much in common with other people.”

- WALTER

Body language:
People with AS may have many other body language anomalies—an unusual way of walking, poor posture, and hunched shoulders when tense. These stem from a combination of anxiety, not being aware of how others see them, and naturally low muscle tone.

Some also have tics that can appear in times of great stress or excitement, e.g., eye or mouth twitching, stuttering, and hand flapping. These are usually brief and often barely noticeable. Stimming is something a person with AS does and it bears mentioning here. Stimming behaviors (short for self-stimulatory) can sound quite bizarre to a non-AS person but they are merely soothing behaviors, such as rocking, humming, etc. Most adults with AS can and do control stimming behaviors in public, but it may be difficult for them. It is an anti-anxiety mechanism, and repressing it, some claim, doesn’t allow them to alleviate their anxiety and consequently does them harm. Having a private workspace would help, and the next chapter (“Quiet Please”) addresses that issue.

• Think about how others’ facial expressions affect or impress you. Do you like it better when others smile or scowl?
  
• For those who struggle with expression, practice. Look in a mirror. Take pictures of yourself. See the many different looks you possess and which are more pleasant, receptive or welcoming. This is not about pleasing others or being false or superficial, it’s about putting your own best face forward. By using our camera-phones, video/digital cameras, webcams; and sites such as Facebook and YouTube, we can see how we look to others and learn to manipulate our expressions and appearance with a little practice. These tools are invaluable, and we should take advantage of them frequently if possible.
  
• Practice making eye contact a little at a time until you get more used to it, but don’t over-do it. One person interviewed had a ten-second rule for eye contact and that could be far too long for some situations; and counting would distract from the thread of conversation.
  
• Monitor your facial expressions throughout the day. Ask yourself “what sort of image am I giving off at this moment?” Maximize your chances for social success by appearing as happy and confident as you can.
  
• Speaking from my own experience, I used to scowl a lot when I didn’t know I had AS. It was because I was uncomfortable, unhappy, or overwhelmed in a situation and didn’t know why. Now that I do know, I make a conscious effort to manage sensory overload and stop it before it reaches crisis point.
  
• If you don’t feel happy and confident, smiling when you’re down actually raises your mood, but it has to be a genuine grin. A false or insincere smile will do nothing for your mood, so keep a specific set of happy or hilarious memories in your mind, comedies in your DVD player or use YouTube to pull up quick clips that really tickle your funny-bone, e.g:
  

“She turned me into a newt! I ... I got better.”

- JOHN CLEESE,
MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL

• Don’t tell someone to “smile” or “cheer up” if they seem down—we don’t change moods at someone’s command.
  
• The AS person will not want to inflict their mood on others. If they look a bit glum or tense, don’t point it out. It will make them feel worse.
  
• Use positive reinforcement. We are all vain creatures. Tell someone they have a nice smile (or good posture) and they will probably use it more often or with more confidence.
  
• Try saying something funny or engaging. Rest assured that lowest common denominator jokes will probably not fly—there seems to be a pretty general consensus among those interviewed that cruel or clichéd humor doesn’t work on them.
  
• If your AS employee cannot make or hold eye contact with you, do not for a moment think that means they have something to hide. It is merely something that makes them uncomfortable. Don’t force it; let them be.
  
• Telling someone they have nice eyes sounds flirtatious, but if in an appropriate context, it can give a little confidence with regard to eye contact.
  
• Give them an activity to focus on to get them out of their rut. If you want to talk to them about what’s on their mind, do so while engaged in an activity together, rather than just having “face time.”