Asperger's on the Job: Must-Have Advice for People With Asperger's or High Functioning Autism, and Their Employers, Educators, and Advocates (4 page)

It is important that employers, advocates, family, etc., do not doubt the diagnosis. While I’m sure there are those who get their self-diagnosis wrong, if they have most of the traits of AS then the same methods of coping, the same strategies will apply. In addition, it is important that you do not doubt the
capabilities
of the person with Asperger’s. Being misread, doubted, having our positive qualities overlooked, and being blamed for our “faults,” is quite common among us.

• Take such comments as “you don’t seem like you are autistic” as a compliment rather than becoming defensive or feeling negated. What they are saying is that you seem capable, social, and intelligent. If you choose to keep your autism secret from some people, then this is exactly what you wanted. If you generally disclose, then you are doing your part to educate the world about Asperger’s Syndrome.
  
• Do not give up on a proper diagnosis if you don’t have one yet. Persist with the powers that be until you do, as it may afford you legal protection and other advantages down the line.
  
• Don’t blame yourself for being autistic and don’t internalize the guilt others lay on you for being different. Just learn to manage less positive behaviors.
  

• While the possibility is there that a person may be misdiagnosed, or inaccurately self-diagnosed, it has been my experience in researching this book that most who claim to have AS have done their research and feel quite confident that the syndrome fits their profile. AS is not something that someone would
  want
  to have, just to get special attention or concessions. It is something that so strongly defines who you are that you must acknowledge it to explain why you do the things you do. Too often we get accused by friends, family, loved ones, and those who are supposed to help us, of using Asperger’s as a “crutch.” It is not an excuse, it is a reason.
  
• If your employee blew you away at interview only to have a swift and steep decline, don’t think they lied to you or misrepresented themselves and their abilities. Understand that the capable, confident person that you hired is in there, but is getting diminished or obscured by certain environmental or social aspects of the job. The rest of this book will describe exactly what those factors are and how to deal with them.
  

Describe what Asperger’s means to you— what it is and how you feel about it.

Are your thoughts about it primarily negative or do you see the gifts?

O
ne of the first things that coworkers will notice, long before bosses do, is that people with AS are no good at small talk. While researching this book, the one thing that virtually all respondents had in common was that they didn’t know how to socialize on the job. Some had tried and failed to master the art of chitchat and subsequently came to despise it. Many felt they should not
have
to socialize on the job, that it was superfluous and unnecessary to the performance of their duties.

There are a few reasons why small talk may be difficult for some with Asperger’s. First, we are practical and tend to have narrow interests. Why talk about something that isn’t, in one’s own opinion, worth talking about? Second, while non-autistic people see social interaction as meaning safety and security, folks with AS perceive social interaction as being dangerous; people stimulate our amygdala (the
fight-or-flight
reaction). Given that information, it is quite easy to
see how being relaxed around others enough to engage in chitchat might be a challenge. So although rocket science may be easy for a person with Asperger’s, small talk and socializing often are impenetrable mysteries:

“Small talk is deadly for me. I am expected to talk with them about babies, boyfriends, shopping, and gossip. I try but then I become exhausted and resentful and can’t keep up.”

- ALLISON, 39, BA

A person with Asperger’s will go to work—to work. They are NOT there to win a popularity contest. Unfortunately, they find that reality is different—that they are expected not just to perform the job, but also to succeed socially. Most said that they need an understanding of the “unspoken job requirements” or “hidden agenda,” and that their job failures had been due to their inability to socialize, rather than anything to do with actual job performance. Although some learn how to socialize over time, none seem to know how to do it inherently. An Aspergian may be able to talk for hours on their favorite subject, but bring up a local sports team or the weather, and they’re stumped (unless that is one of their obsessions).

If a person with AS is in an environment with like-minded people (esp. with shared interests), then this will not be an issue for them. This is sometimes the case with younger people who are still in college or those who work in a more tolerant, cerebral, or specialized atmosphere. However, should their job ever end, or when they finish college and they try to work in different environments, they will likely experience this at some point.

An AS person might find small talk pointless; little niceties such as saying “have a nice day” seem transparent and silly or downright annoying. We don’t realize that our refusal to engage in these rituals may seem offensive to others. Small talk gives clues as to who’s in, who’s out, who’s cool, and who’s popular. Most of us weren’t popular in school, and it is just more of the same at work:

“When they talk about personal things, then it becomes clear who’s in what clique and who likes whom. I feel it creates an unprofessional work environment.”

- DIANE, MS COMPUTER SCIENCE

Socializing is hard. Meetings, particularly, are torture. Whether it is only a meeting of two, or a few, or even a conference call, these are all social situations in which the AS person may feel ill at ease. They can make us squirm and sweat bullets, especially if there is a lull in the proceedings and people are left to chat amongst themselves or if the AS person must verbally contribute.

When asked what the hardest part of working life was, they responded:

“I am completely unable to navigate small talk. I am great at introductions, public speaking, etc. I just can’t seem to have a conversation that works. Worse, I am often totally misunderstood.”

- WALTER, SELF-EMPLOYED, WATCHMAKER

“Socializing is a chore; a nightmare. Small talk is difficult, especially subjects such as sexuality, or personal criticism, teasing or bullying.”

- JULIAN, CLERK, UK

Small talk can be something minute, like even knowing how to say “Hey, how’s it goin’?” in a way that is like everyone else. Small talk doesn’t have to be verbal either; things like the “high-five,” or “pounding it” (bumping fists) are physical forms of small talk. Little exchanges can cause a mountain of discomfort when you don’t know how to do them right. If you don’t understand that, look at this word:

If Mandarin Chinese is not your native language, then this symbol is foreign to you. It is the word for “hello” and is pronounced “Ni Hao.” Once you learn how to recognize it, you still have to learn how to pronounce it correctly. No matter how good you think you get, people will still hear your accent and know it’s not your native language.

This inability to communicate like everyone else keeps the person with Asperger’s isolated. We don’t understand why people who are obviously fake or false are respected over us, or why conversation that is shallow should be sought:

“I don’t talk to people when they expect me to. People feel alienated or disrespected.”

- SCOTT, 40, BORDER GUARD

“The job coach I saw admonished me that I should try to understand that people love all these social aspects; she even said I should “fake it” and fit in. I responded that I’ve survived this many years faking it as well as I can, all the time. But living life as a phony and not feeling human—these are the things everyone seems to tolerate and expect, especially at work. It hurts me. I can’t keep it up.”

- ALLISON

Those with AS are sometimes described as having no sense of humor. Humor is an element of small talk, a device, an icebreaker. While it
is
true that some humorous remarks may not be understood right away because we take them literally, oftentimes it is not because they fly “over our heads” but rather under our noses. We tend to prefer surreal, satirical humor that is either irreverent or intellectually stimulating. Simple, obvious humor is often misinterpreted, or takes a moment longer to click, because the AS person is overanalyzing. This can result in a very smart person appearing humorless and slow:

“I’ve never really found any jokes funny that they tell; jokes that use popular clichés. Unfortunately, these abound in the workplace.”

- ALLISON

When an AS person tries to converse, they may end up pontificating on whatever their particular interest is, without understanding that it might be boring or uninteresting to others:

“Just a couple days ago someone used the word diameter. I started explaining Pi and the ways it works in math; I said ‘pi equals 3.141592, and circumference equals pi times diameter.’ ‘We don’t need an education,’ they said.”

- JOHN, 54, FACTORY WORKER

They may also use big words and speak a little more formally than is the norm.
Hyperlexia
(a precocious ability to read words beyond age and education) is often found in young children with AS (Cook 2009), and many retain a different way of speaking though they learn to pick up the vernacular to fit in:

“I’m 33 and only in the last four years, have I got accustomed to typical small talk. I even occasionally swear here and there, though it’s really not me. Having others around me feeling comfortable, makes me comfortable.”

- BRIAN, FACTORY WORKER

A person with AS wants to connect with others; he/she just doesn’t know exactly how to go about it. But social habits can be learned. The brain creates new neural pathways over time and is constantly forming new understandings:

“The social stuff, especially small talk, got so much better after the first year of work! By all means we should get jobs where we ask clients ‘how can I help you?’ Talking with coworkers and clients is great practice. I am a confident person now that I’ve worked in this job for two years.”

- JEFF, 22, STORE CLERK

But even if a person never does come ‘round to the charms of chitchat, that can actually be a plus—they have more time for work:

“I work with preschoolers 12 hours a week and love not having any time for small unnecessary chatter with co-workers.”

- REANNA, A MOM IN HER TWENTIES

Because of social issues and a fight-or-flight response to all social contact, it’s about as challenging for most of us to work with people as it is for a person with acrophobia to get on a plane and fly. The feelings may vary in intensity, but ultimately there is a similar fear—that this is going to crash; this isn’t going to work. Yet, behind the fear and the resentment, there is still a need to connect with others.

• Examine your own hostility to small talk, and the history behind it. It may be partly born out of resentment that you don’t know how to do it yourself (yet).
  
• Realize that small talk can take the pressure off you to actually come up with something creative to say. Talking briefly without sarcasm about the weather or sports might be all that’s necessary to be accepted.
  
• Don’t judge. That’s right; the same applies to you. Because you don’t like “mindless chatter” and its ilk, you don’t have to engage in it. But if your coworkers feel judged by you, they will not like you.
  
• If you feel the tone is on a lower scale than you would like, try to raise the pitch or change the subject, but do it without condescension or being pedantic.
  
• Adults with AS often have a do-it-yourself approach to everything, but seek help when they need it, through social-skills therapy, workshops, or books such as
  The Hidden Curriculum
  (Myles, Trautman, & Schelvan 2004). These will help you learn to read things like expression, tone, body language, etc.
  
• Many people with Asperger’s find great release and validation through writing. Seeing your own thoughts expressed in words can help instill faith in your own worth, intelligence, and right to exist. Over time, your confidence will grow enough to share some of that with others.
  
• Don’t become jaded. Life is 90% how you look at it. Yes you have AS, but you can still be in the world and be a valuable contributor to groups, conversations, and your employer with your unique insights. The more likely you are to see the good in others, the more likely they will respond to you in kind.
  
• Christmas and other office parties or outings can be a source of angst for weeks to come. If you want to go but are afraid, it might be a source of regret if you don’t try. Remember, socializing takes practice and sometimes training. Seek advice on what to wear. Don’t go alone if you can help it; instead, bring a trusted friend or partner. And don’t drink too much! It may loosen your tongue, but if you are prone to saying the “wrong thing” that might not be so good.