Asperger's on the Job: Must-Have Advice for People With Asperger's or High Functioning Autism, and Their Employers, Educators, and Advocates (5 page)

Those interviewed for this book reported being called names like “stupid” or “useless” because of their social difficulties. Just because they cannot discuss the outcome of the Super Bowl or American Idol with any enthusiasm doesn’t mean they are dim.

• Take the time to discuss what
  their
  interests are, or their
  job,
  and you will confirm your own original belief that this person is intelligent and that is why you hired them in the first place. Try to speak
  their
  language.
  
• Acceptance is key: The more we feel that we are accepted by others, the easier it is to relax and converse.
  
• You do not run a popularity contest; you run a business. Social skills, unless they are an inherent requirement of the position, should not be mandated. Do not place any expectation or pressure on them to be more social.
  
• Company fun events for team bonding will be a nightmare for them. But a person with Asperger’s will feel much more at ease if there is
  structure, purpose, and something stimulating to focus on,
  or
  a challenging activity to engage them.
  Unless outings consist of an orchestra or band to watch, a science exhibit, a scrabble tournament or a race to see who can solve a Rubik’s cube, they might not come. Any event where they are just meant to chat or relax will be anything
  but
  relaxing.
  
• Meetings are generally not good environments for the person with AS. If they must attend, let them contribute in writing before or after if possible.
  

What are your thoughts about socializing on the job and the role or value of small talk? What do you think others get out of it?

List topics or strategies you might be comfortable with to improve your social standing at work.

S
ome call AS
bluntness
“cutting through the smoke screen.” Others call it “brutal honesty.” Whatever you call it, people with Asperger’s have an
irrepressible urge to inform,
often without correctly anticipating the emotional reaction of the recipient. We will throw our own potential popularity out the window to promote our ideas for improvement.

Ask a person with Asperger’s if they like your new suit/car/whatever, and be prepared for the truth. Ask them if they like the way you are running the business and you may get an equally honest answer. This bluntness can result in someone being offended, particularly if the receiver thinks the person with AS meant to be hurtful. Friendships and jobs can be lost over such things. It is not that a person with AS is insensitive; indeed, we can be
overly
sensitive.

And we are often devastated to find that we have hurt someone’s feelings. But we are genuine people who want to speak truth, improve situations, and not play games. Why mince words?

A person with AS may also be accused of
complaining
a lot, and of being critical. Therein lies the genius of Asperger’s. We are perfectionists. We will always be looking for a better way of doing something (De Vries 2007). Rather than persecute us for it, use it to your company’s advantage. People with AS do fixate on things, and like perfection. So if something is less than perfect and in need of improvement we will point it out. Whether or not we do that tactfully will have to do with how mindful we are of our impact on others at the time. But since those with AS are usually pretty single-minded, we probably will be thinking about the problem or situation that needs improving rather than the effect of our words on others. If you point out to your AS employee that he/she complains a lot they will probably be shocked, for never in their mind are they complaining—they are trying to find ways of making things better and probably not just for themselves, but for everyone else as well. They think of themselves as proactive, while complainers are those who never do anything about what they critique. They may also be hurt and surprised at how they are being misunderstood. Since it is obviously quite clear to them what their intentions are, they think you would understand as well. They will be disappointed in themselves as well for not being clearer.

As mentioned, because of sensory issues, they will notice things more than an average person: temperature, sounds, lights, sensations, etc., and we will discuss these in upcoming chapters.

They are good followers if the method is right, but if they think they know a better way, then they will say so. Their insights are usually not couched in a soft bed of rhetoric, either—they usually come right out and say things like “I know a better way of doing this,” or better yet, “that’s a stupid idea.” This is the kind of thing that gets a person a reputation as a know-it-all, but it is not for selfish reasons that the AS person will do this, it is merely to help. Society particularly expects women to be tactful, and to be aware of others’ perceptions of them, but females with AS are as naturally blunt in
that regard as their male counterparts, although socialization, expectation, and years of experience might make us try to be more tactful. That tends to be something we learn because we have to, not at all because we want to or because it comes naturally.

This sort of behavior has been (affectionately) referred to as “Asperger arrogance” by folks with AS, AS professionals, and everyone else in the know. It seems that this haughtiness is not entirely unfounded. As mentioned in
Chapter One
, a recent study by the Department of Neuropsychiatry at Keio University School of Medicine in Tokyo found that “Individuals with Asperger’s disorder have higher fluid reasoning ability than normal individuals, highlighting superior fluid intelligence” (Hayashi et al. 2008). This may explain why those with AS often feel superior to those around them who do not possess the same kind of intellectual abilities. If those abilities are not recognized, it can leave a person with AS feeling unfulfilled, unutilized, unappreciated, and resentful.

• Curb your urge to inform unless you are being asked for advice or information. No one likes a know-it-all. There are some jobs where it is more favorable and appropriate to impart or exchange ideas and information, and some that aren’t (e.g., a research dept. vs. Mighty Maids). While some with AS end up in more mundane positions because of difficulty keeping jobs or getting degrees, they should bear in mind that they will not be intellectually stimulated in these environments and that their unique intelligence may not be prized in these positions. (See the
  chapter on education
  .)
  
• The quickest way to get your point across (to non-spectrum people) is not always to say it directly. It is sometimes more expedient to be indirect, or gentle. I have a visual metaphor that I find effective. If you shoot your words like an
  arrow
  (directness) at their recipient, that person will likely recoil from them. If you
  gift wrap
  your words (tact), the recipient will be more likely to want to accept your
  package
  (the point you want to make) and take it in.
  
• Bluntness may also, at times, be used intentionally as a way to burn bridges. If you have AS, take a moment to look back over your life and remember times when you said something blunt to someone just to get rid of them. It probably worked. How many friends do you have now? Do you want more? Do you want people to like you? If so, try to curb this tendency. Temper it with compassion. I would never ask you to tell a white lie, but the next time someone shows you pics of their new baby, think carefully before telling them that she looks exactly like Yoda.
  
• Curb the tendency to be arrogant. Many of the people I spoke to for this book admitted that they can be a bit arrogant. This can rub others the wrong way.
  
• Understand that you may have superior intelligence of one type but possibly not another. While Aspergian Pride is a great thing, feeling superior to
  NTs
  (neurotypical or non-autistic people) can be divisive.
  
• Look back on your history. See where taking others’ ideas into consideration might have advanced your own life, and how not doing so may have caused you setbacks.
  

• Your AS employee may possess a greater capacity for a type of intellectual reasoning and problem-solving than others. Use it! You have a great resource on your hands.
  
• Don’t say they complain too much or shut out their idea because it was put across in a blunt, tactless manner. Listen to what they say, not how they say it.
  
• Rather than being offended and defensive, hear them out. Ask them what they would do about a situation and they will brighten up at being taken seriously rather than being dismissed. If they do have a good point, acknowledge it.
  
• Do not let their unpopularity sway you into dismissing their good ideas.
  

Practice tact in all your interactions with people until it becomes easier.

Notice what sort of results you get from your efforts.

T
he
blunder,
usually caused by bluntness (but not always), is an Aspergian specialty and part of the reason why socializing is avoided by many. They often just don’t know what to say and end up saying the wrong thing:

“Since I have trouble reading facial expressions and sarcasm, I have difficulty discerning people’s contempt for my choice of words.”

- HUMPHREY, UNEMPLOYED, BS

“There are some people who respect what I do for the school and serve as mentors. They inform me of potential political blunders I may be about to make and are ready to help bail me out if I
get into trouble. It is often difficult for me to read the political wind of things.”

     
- STEPHEN SHORE, PRESIDENT OF THE ASPERGER’S ASSOCIATION OF NEW ENGLAND, FROM “SURVIVAL IN THE WORKPLACE” (2008)

“Office politics is all about subtlety. I have little problem noticing that it goes on and I can grasp the details of what is going on, but I’m not equipped to play the game, so I get hurt by the outcomes.”

- MIKE, LAW DEGREE, SECRETARY

Just as in personal relationships, professional
boundaries
can be confusing. Some with AS have a hard time learning what is and isn’t appropriate to discuss with their coworkers. Saying the “wrong thing” results in the AS person being misunderstood. Being misunderstood seems to be a common torture for all of us. Another problem with the literal nature of our understanding is not seeing the various possible interpretations of what we say:

“My co-worker had a bowl of nuts on his desk. I strolled up in a dead quiet office and shouted out, “I would love to eat your nuts! Your nuts look so good!” I still have trouble with drawing lines regarding appropriate topics of conversation until after the fact, and will take the whole conversation over.”

- MIA

Because we consider ourselves genuine people and value genuine-ness, we think we should be liked and respected. We believe promotions should be based upon our integrity, not our popularity:

“I despise brown nosing and refuse to lower myself to it. I will not use people as doors to get somewhere. I always want to believe that I have earned what I have and didn’t sacrifice or compromise integrity to get somewhere.”

- SCOTT

A person with Asperger’s Syndrome will often say or do what is logical rather than what is socially and emotionally expected of them. If a person is
emotionally detached
at a time when a more compassionate, emotion-driven response is called for, it can get them a reputation as a cold fish. An emotional situation would take the AS person into territory where they cannot control or predict the outcome, and many (particularly males, since it is something of a male reaction anyway) will avoid emotional demonstrations or reciprocations of any sort.