An Ideal Wife (9 page)

The apsara started crying inconsolably. I was quite sympathetic towards the apsara as I knew the pains of going to Mrityulok and that too without any divine powers. I wanted to console her but was too scared to reveal myself.

After sometime I realised that someone was heading closer to me, so I jumped inside the room through the window but made sure not to make any noise. She was still crying and her cries were weighing very heavily on me. I tried to reach out to her many times but the fear of getting caught stopped me every time.

After a while, I got a chance to sneak out of the room through the window. As I climbed the window a lightning thought struck me, which brought a huge smile to my face. I decided against leaving the room and slowly walked up to the apsara. She was thoroughly shocked to see me in her house.

‘Who are you and what are you doing here?’ she almost shouted at me.

‘In your situation, I won’t bother about that.’

‘What?’ she was totally confused.

I just kept looking at her and that baffled her even further.

‘Just leave my house at once,’ she gave me an ultimatum.

‘I can help you.’

‘Don’t worry about me. First help yourself, otherwise you know what’s going to happen to you if someone finds you here,’ she warned.

‘Are you sure you can handle Mrityulok?’

‘How do you know about the Mrityulok punishment?’ Now I finally had her attention.

‘Don’t waste your time thinking about it. Just hear how I can help you.’

She was all ears.

‘I will take you to Mrityulok and……’

‘Are you crazy? Is this your way of helping me?’ she didn’t let me finish.

‘You know who I am?’ Sameer’s arrogance had rubbed off on me too.

‘No, but how does it make a difference?’ she replied sarcastically.

‘So you haven’t heard anything about me,’ I pointed at myself.

The apsara looked at me very carefully from top to bottom and after a few seconds her eyes lit up as she realized something.

‘Oh, so you are that Dwarf God who is embroiled in that Ideal Wife Mrityulok fiasco.’

I smiled at my infamy.

‘How can you help me? You are yourself struggling to find an ideal wife for that human, aren’t you?’ she continued.

‘I have got one very strong prospect,’ I replied, smiling.

‘So finally you’ve found one?’

‘Yes!’

I continued to smile and kept looking at her, which made her uneasy.

‘Who is it?’

I continued to smile without uttering a word. She shook her head thinking I’d gone mad but after few seconds she deciphered something in her head and looked at me, eyes wide open with shock.

‘Wait a minute, wait a minute…hope you are not thinking what I am thinking?’

‘You got it baby,’ I replied excitedly.

‘No way!’ She’d caught on that I was thinking about her being the ideal wife for Sameer.

‘We can help each other,’ I continued to cajole her.

‘That’s not possible.’

‘Do you realise how difficult it is to live in Mrityulok? And only I, with my recent experience, can help you there,’ I strengthened my pitch.

‘I understand but I think I’ll pass the offer.’

‘Your wish,’ I said and walked slowly towards the door but turned back towards her as I neared the window.

‘By the way, hope you remember what happened with Apsara Roshni when she was punished to spend one life in Mrityulok?’ I didn’t want to waste any of my arsenals.

As soon as I finished talking she started getting flashbacks of Roshni’s cries for help from Mrityulok. Just remembering the sorry state in which she came back to heaven pushed her towards the edge. I was about to jump over the window when I heard her loud shout.

‘Wait wait.’

I smiled realising that my plan had finally worked and turned back towards her.

‘I think you have a point there but please give me some time to think,’ she continued.

I didn’t want to let go the golden opportunity so without wasting any time I made my final assault.

‘I am sorry. I have a gun to my head. I have to leave for Mrityulok tomorrow.’ I showed great haste and urgency. Though I still had some time on hand, I didn’t really want to give her any time to reconsider or worse still, seek advice from one of the goddesses.

The apsara thought for a minute and realized that she had no other option left.

‘Okay, I am ready.’

‘Don’t worry; you’ve made the right choice,’ I seconded her decision to make her comfortable.

She felt relaxed after the reassurance.

‘But I hope you know that once you reach Mrityulok you won’t remember that you are an apsara and you won’t have any divine powers left,’ I explained.

‘Yeah I do, and also that I won’t be able to come back till I spend one life in Mrityulok and that too as a normal human.’

‘Okay, then meet me near the Human Creation Room tomorrow morning at 7am.’

‘Human Creation Room? But why?’

I smiled and took out a paper roll from the back pocket of my trendy jeans.

‘I need to add many qualities in you,’ I said flashing the paper roll.

This confused her even further.

‘No one fits as his Ideal Wife, not even any goddess or apsara.’

We both started laughing seeing such a big list and after a few minutes I left without being discovered.

Next morning at 7am, I met the apsara near the Human Creation Room. The Human Creation Room was like a giant box with a long conveyor belt passing through it. There were many electronic panels fitted on the box, which I had to adjust to add the desired qualities to the apsara.

I smiled thinking what Sameer had said to me.
‘If you haven’t created that kind of a girl till now then just create one for me.’

‘What happened?’ the apsara inquired, seeing me smile.

‘Nothing, now we’re ready to roll. Please step on to the conveyor belt.’

The apsara quietly followed my instructions and stood on the conveyor belt from the right side of the giant box. I made some adjustments in the panels and pushed the start button. The conveyor belt started moving very slowly and after a minute, the apsara went inside the Human Creation Room. I made a few more changes on the panel while she was still inside the giant box. And soon she came out of the other side of the giant box with all the qualities as desired by Sameer.

I was elated to see her emerge.

‘Here I present to the world, the first MADE-TO-ORDER wife.’ I said a tad arrogantly.

‘Are you sure you programmed it correctly?’ the naïve creature asked.

‘Don’t worry dear, apart from your life, my life too is at stake… So I practised programming it throughout the night,’ I took off my sunglasses and showed her my swollen, sleep-deprived, red-rimmed eyes.

She was quite satisfied, realising the efforts I had put in to make sure everything goes smoothly.

‘Shall we leave for Mrityulok?’ I asked.

‘Where am I going to stay in Mrityulok?’

‘You just don’t worry. I will take care of everything. Not only about your stay but also about your profession,’ I replied with confidence.

‘Profession?’

‘Just wait and watch,’ I smiled.

8

Introducing the
apsara to sameer

S
itting in his office, Sameer was quite restless and unable to concentrate on his work. He would look at his watch every few minutes; I was, after all, to return today.

Unable to handle the anxiety any longer, he left office and drove at a callous speed, blindly rushing home. He was in such a tearing hurry that he didn’t even bother to reply to the greetings of people living in his apartment complex. He entered his apartment ready to welcome me with a smile on his face but was thoroughly dejected on not finding me there.

Hours ticked by, slow and steady, and Sameer was anxious enough to jump off the balcony. That way he would perhaps meet god, he thought.

‘
Where the heck is he? Two weeks are almost over,
’ Sameer muttered as he speed-walked, literally wearing off the floor tiles in the balcony.

After sometime, he came inside the living room and switched on the TV. It was playing a song
‘Der Na Ho Jaye Kahin Der Na Ho Jaye’
from the Bollywood film
‘Heena’.
The song only served to drive him over the bend, and rushing out the way he leaned over the balcony wall, it seemed he was going to take the plunge. But he stopped, just in time and let out a loud frustrated yell! The entire apartment complex resounded with his vocal stamp.

‘
De diya na dokha!
What were you saying?…Promise means promise!’

Sameer looked at his watch again.

‘There you go! Your time is now officially up!’ Sameer was frothing at the mouth like an angry bull.

‘Not yet; we still have a couple of minutes left
dost,’
I said as I walked through the door of Sameer’s house.

He was a completely transformed being the second he laid eyes on me. I could see that but Sameer being Sameer, he decided to play hardball with me.

‘Kahan mar gaya thha?’
he burst.

I just smiled at him not wanting to say a word till I could give him my brilliant news. But dear Sameer would have none of that.

‘Looking quite relaxed…Have you found some apsara or something?’ he went on goading me.

My jaws dropped in utter shock.

‘How the heck does this mere earthly being know my secret? He must have some radically advanced spyware!’

‘Did you say something?’ Sameer questioned.

‘What did you hear?’ I asked curiously.

‘What? Why are you wasting time? Tell me did you find any solution?’

I heaved in relief and murmured to myself again.

‘I just got scared for no reason; he has no clue about the apsara.’

‘Are you okay? What have they done to you up there? You just smile mysteriously and talk to yourself now!’

I smiled once again.

‘Go and get your laptop,’ I said.

‘Laptop?’

‘Don’t waste time, do as I say.’

Sameer shook his head and left. I decided to unwind with a bottle of wine. As I took a sip, Sameer came back with his laptop in his hands.

‘Wow, someone is in a great mood today.’

‘Yep, I have found an awesome solution to your problem,’ I replied and motioned to him to sit next to me on the couch.

I took the laptop from him and put it down on the center table placed in front of the couch. I connected the laptop to the Wi-fi network and typed www.shaadi.com in the browser. Sameer couldn’t understand what a god would want with mortal human Internet. Without wasting any time I started making a profile for Sameer on the website.

‘What are you doing?’ shocked, Sameer asked.

‘Only this website can get you your Ideal Wife.’

‘Are you crazy?’

‘Give me your digital photograph for the website.’

‘Please stop this nonsense. I am not going to meet any girl through this website.’

‘Dude, at least take a look at this website.’

‘It’s for losers.’

I just could never understand this misconception people have about matrimonial websites. The so-called highflying educated young lot had completely lost faith in the age-old arranged marriage system. But heck it works! And it works brilliantly. We gods have used it like a million times to get together the people who are meant to be together. Don’t forget humans, even your so-called love matches are actually very much arranged in heaven!

Sameer had left the room but I somehow dragged him back to the couch. He had no option but to go through the website. He was quite impressed to see the details one could look into while searching for his/her ideal match.

‘Quite impressive. Detailing is pretty good along with an awesome search engine but I am sorry it’s not for me.’

‘At least give it a try.’ I cajoled him.

‘Nope, I am not even remotely interested and nothing can change my mind so don’t even try,’ he reaffirmed and switched off his laptop.

I was a little dejected with Sameer’s reaction to my proposal.

‘Looks like you have no choice but to get me an apsara only now,’ he winked at me and looked at his watch.

‘I think it’s quite late. I have an early morning meeting. Good night,’ and with that he got up from the couch and walked towards his room without even waiting for my reply.

I just kept looking at him leave the room. Now if a man is so thickheaded, even shaadi.com and god can’t help him. But I was not ready to give up yet.

‘No problem buddy, I have another foolproof plan. Let’s see how you save yourself from that? Just wait and watch,’
I murmured and took another sip of the wine.