An Ideal Wife (6 page)

Flying full speed for about five minutes through hundreds of skyscrapers, I reached my destination, a wide glass structure in the middle of a small lake within the main city. I alighted from my
vayumobile
and stepped onto a conveyor belt, which took me inside the structure. LED screens installed on both sides of the conveyor showed my vital statistics (heart rate, blood pressure, etc.). They were jumping erratically like a crazy rubber ball.

The conveyor belt took me straight into a big hall, just like a big conference hall in any corporation. It had a big rectangular but invisible table made up of special glass. Bhagwaan Dada was sitting on a chair at one end of the table in the centre whereas the other gods were sitting on chairs placed on either side of him on the long table. Many God Aspirants were standing behind their favourite gods.

I went ahead and took the empty chair on the long table right opposite Bhagwaan Dada. He looked quite angry.

‘Where were you?’ His heavy voice created a chill in the room.

I didn’t reply and kept my eyes glued to the floor.

‘Did you hear what I just asked?’ his voice became even heavier.

‘Jee jee
……,’ I stuttered.

‘What is
this jee jee?
Answer him; where were you?’ another god questioned.

‘I had gone to Mrityulok,’ the barely audible softness in my voice was enough to tell anyone that I was shit scared.

‘For what?’

‘To meet my biggest follower,’ I explained.

‘And what did you do there?’ Bombardment from another quarter continued.

I remained silent, still staring at the floor.

‘
Tumne suna nahin humne kya puchha?’
Bhagwaan Dada intervened like Gabbar Singh in
Sholay.

‘I met him and…’ I was so scared that I couldn’t complete my sentence.

‘And what?’ This one came from another angry god.

I remained silent.

‘How can he even dare speak a word now? He only likes to showoff!’

‘What do you mean?’ Bhagwaan Dada asked.

‘You have given him such liberties. You made your driver a god despite our protests and now within a day of him becoming a god he has done something to shame us all,’ another god explained.

‘Will you guys stop this nonsense and just say what exactly happened in Mrityulok?’ Bhagwaan Dada finally lost his patience.

‘Please look at the projector screen.’

Everyone turned towards the big digital projector screen. A film started running, showing what exactly had transpired between Sameer and me in Mrityulok.

With each passing minute everyone started getting angry. Bhagwaan Dada completely lost his cool, seeing how I was enjoying coffee and that too from a mug with a sexy woman image on it.

The moment the film finished, all heads turned towards me. I really crapped in my pants then.

‘So you want a franchise of Costa Coffee?’ Bhagwaan Dada roared.

I had no choice but to stay quiet.

‘I think we should open a Costa Coffee chain here and he should be made the manager,’ a God aspirant (who lost out narrowly to me) poked his nose.

‘I was just joking with him,’ I tried to handle the situation.

‘Oh my, oh my, oh my! How could you ever do something so crass!’ another god added. There was a decidedly feminine flick of his hand as he said this, and I couldn’t help but smirk at that.

‘I haven’t done anything wrong. I have just promised him an ideal wife,’ I clarified, not quite understanding their beef with me; and to top that I had to keep a straight face at the rather effeminate prude.

‘That’s exactly what we’ve been trying to unearth for centuries! We haven’t found ideal wife material even for ourselves yet and you acted like a
Danveer Karna
and went ahead to promise one to a mere mortal!’

On hearing this everyone present in the conference room started laughing. At that moment, Chitti, carrying his laptop, entered.

‘Did you find any match for his promise?’ one of the gods inquired.

Chitti remained silent.

‘Jaisa boss, waisa chela.
Didn’t you hear what we just asked?’ Bhagwaan Dada raised his voice.

‘No, there is no match sir,’ Chitti replied hesitantly.

‘Suna?
There is no match. He has made us look like a fool in front of a human,’ another god took a shot.

‘It’s nothing like that. I just need one chance to fulfill my promise,’ I replied.

‘It’s not like you have a choice in the matter,’ Bhagwaan Dada interrupted sternly.

Everyone turned towards Bhagwaan Dada, expecting some more fireworks from him.

‘You will have to go to Mrityulok, and not as a god but human,’ he ordered.

‘Jee, woh main……
,’ I still tried to make my point, feeling much like Saif Ali Khan trying to make a point to his nag of a girlfriend in
Dil Chahta Hai.

‘I haven’t finished yet,’ Bhagwaan Dada raised his voice.

I was petrified.

‘You won’t have any god powers either.’

I could not believe my ears. Why was this happening to me?

‘You can come back to heaven only once for two weeks to recharge your energies. This punishment will continue till you find an ideal wife for Sameer.’

After hearing the punishment everyone in the room was ecstatic whereas I was in a state of shock. I ran towards Bhagwaan Dada and pleaded with him for forgiveness. Frankly, I think the great Lord Oh God should have melted at my flawless imitation of the Nirupa Roy style…
Hey Bhagwaan tu kahan hai?
But Bhagwaan Dada was extremely angry with himself; no doubt wishing he had listened to the advice of the other gods before promoting me from the post of his driver to a god. I knew he still loved me so, after lot of persuasion, he relented a little and granted me one power.

‘I can’t forgive you completely but can grant you one power. You will be able to peek into the past of everyone you meet in Mrityulok. It’s up to you how you use this power. All I can say is all the best.’

Bhagwaan Dada left soon after his last almost admonishing and certainly reluctant boon. He didn’t wait to hear another squeak from me.

Everyone else also left with huge smiles on their faces whereas Chitti and I stayed back. I was very dejected and slowly walked up to Chitti who was clearly feeling terribly sorry for my state.

‘Did you check everything?’ I asked, hoping against hope.

‘Yes sir, there is nothing.’

I stood there without reacting, a sombre look on my face. Chitti was thinking of ways to help me come out of this mess. After a few minutes he shouted excitedly.

‘Idea!’

‘What?’ I asked.

‘We know none of the girls match all the qualities, right?’

‘So?’ I was still confused.

‘But what if I check how many of those qualities does a girl have in her?’ Chitti suggested.

I saw a ray of hope and spoke excitedly.

‘Neki aur puchh puchh.’

Chitti quickly made some changes in the algorithm and ran the search. After a couple of minutes a popup window displayed 10% on his laptop screen.

‘Only 10%…what have I done?’ I cursed myself.

‘Sir, you didn’t even think once before promising him the ideal wife.’

‘How could have I known that he was carrying such a long list of qualities? And so many of them didn’t even make any sense to me,’ I clarified.

‘Aap bhi na,’
Chitti still sounded thoroughly dejected.

‘Kya aap bhi na?
What could I have done? I could not see a good man turning into a complete jackass just over a silly bet,’ I tried to justify my stupidity.

‘Yeah, I can understand. It was after all your first assignment after becoming a god.’

I just looked around shamefacedly.

‘Now what?’ Chitti posed another difficult question.

I took a slow thoughtful walk in the conference room for quite some time.

‘Can we add the qualities which Sameer wants to someone in Mrityulok?’ I enquired as being a new god I wasn’t sure about such things yet.

‘That’s not possible sir. Qualities can only be added to someone who is yet to go to Mrityulok.’

‘Okay, but I can certainly create a girl here now with all those qualities, right?’

‘That is possible but there is only one hitch, we can’t fast forward her life to make her suitable for Sameer.’

I was thoroughly confused with his answer, which he realised.

‘I mean sir, someone we create now will go as a newborn and Sameer is already 29 years of age.’

‘Got it.’

‘What sir?’

‘That I am screwed big time. Just give me the names of the girl who match 10% of the qualities.’

‘Okay, but keep in mind these 10% qualities vary as per the girl. I mean different girl would have different 10% qualities matching. So you need to be careful while meeting them,’ Chitti explained cautiously.

‘Do I have a choice? By the way how many girls are there?’ I asked.

‘Seven.’

‘Just seven!!!’ I shook my head in disbelief, paused for a few seconds and then spoke again. ‘Okay just give me their names and addresses.’

Chitti transferred the list of those seven girls along with all other details to my hPad through the Blacktooth and I left for Mrityulok.

It was already 3am in Mrityulok but sleep was still eluding Sameer so he just walked about aimlessly within his apartment.

For the first time in his life he was holding on to a locket, given by his mother. It was an image of Lord Krishna. It seemed he was fervently praying to Krishna to send me back.

After a few minutes, he opened the sliding door of the living room and came out to the balcony. He was pleasantly surprised to see millions of stars in the clear sky and wondered why he hadn’t noticed their radiance before. He kept ambling in the balcony with the locket clutched tightly in his hands and a prayer on his lips.

After a while he felt something on his right shoulder. He turned back and saw a smiling me standing right in front of him. I was in big trouble but I had to put up a brave face in front of a human.

Sameer was ecstatic to see me and jumped to hug me. This sudden reaction baffled me, but I allowed Sameer to hug me. Sameer kept holding on to me thanking his good stars whereas I was thinking how to get out of this self-inflicted problem.

After a few minutes of
dostana,
we both released each other and Sameer, without saying anything to me, immediately went inside the apartment. I was somewhat confused with his action but decided to focus on ways to convince Sameer about these seven girls.

After 10 minutes, Sameer came back to the balcony with two coffee mugs in his hands. He winked and offered the hottie mug to me. As soon as I took the mug from Sameer’s hands I heard Bhagwaan Dada’s voice boom in my head.

‘So you want a franchise of Costa Coffee?’

I literally peed my pants in fright and immediately exchanged my coffee mug with Sameer’s mug.
Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna!
Sameer was taken aback but he decided not to question my sudden monk-like behaviour.

As the minutes ticked away, Sameer realised I hadn’t taken even a single sip of the coffee. Though I tried very hard to feign that everything was fine but the grim look gave it all away.

‘What’s happened? Did someone beat you or what?’ Sameer made a vain effort at a joke to lighten me up.

‘Yeah, that’s all I need to make my life perfect,’ helplessness was written all over my face.

‘Don’t be so dramatic! Tell me what happened?’

I narrated the entire fiasco to him.

‘Wow, never knew Gods too indulge in dirty office politics,’ Sameer was visibly stumped.

‘Now I will have to go and meet these seven possible matches to see if anyone is suitable for you or not,’ I steered the discussion away from my humiliation.

‘Only seven! That’s not fair!’ Sameer lamented.

‘Fair? I am getting screwed big time for helping you and all you can think about is yourself,’ I lost my cool.

Sameer kept quiet, as he knew he’d made a blunder. After a few minutes of looking at each other in complete silence I too realised that I’d been a tad harsh with Sameer

‘Chal chhod,
please get me another cup of coffee,’ I said with a friendly slap on his back.

Sameer left and I busied myself with studying the profiles of Sameer’s seven prospects on my hPad. After a while, Sameer came back with the coffee but before he could offer me one of the mugs, I promptly grabbed the Lord Krishna one.

After staring at the profiles for a few more minutes I took a sip of the coffee and murmured.

‘Not sure where I should start from?’

Sameer was confused to see me talking to myself.

‘What happened?’ he asked.

I thought for a moment.

‘Do you have any preference among these seven girls?’ I showed him the photographs of girls on my hPad.

Sameer, being tech savvy himself, was quite curious to see an advanced version of the iPad but was more interested in looking at those seven profiles. Sameer took his sweet time in reading each and every detail available about the girls and finally came to a conclusion.

‘Meet this girl right at the end,’ he said with a smile on his face.

‘So you don’t like this one at all?’ I asked.