Always Upbeat / All That (7 page)

He stepped over to me and raised his hand. I stepped back, and I guess he caught himself because he pulled back and didn't slap me. If he would have hit me, he would have been wrong because I didn't deserve to be punished for bringing out his indiscretions.

“What were you doing, following me? You're a kid, girl. You have no business being in mine! That was a colleague and—” he defended.

Cutting him of, I huffed, “Dad, are you serious? I just happened to stumble upon you and whoever she was in that black dress, and she wasn't going to a funeral, more like a night club. Your lips were practically touching hers! I wanted to follow you, trust me, I did, but I got lost. Another car jumped in front of me, so who knows which way you went? But when I got home at eleven, you were nowhere in sight. Colleague meetings run
that
late?”

“You misunderstood what you saw. You had absolutely no right to follow me. What were you doing out that late anyway? I'm going to have to talk to your mom about this. Did you talk to your mom about this?” he asked, realizing what he was saying.

I just went over to the sink and washed my hands. I put soap on them and was thankful for the wonderful aroma of the soap, which usually calmed me down. Unfortunately, the smell could not diminish the intense moment. I was getting more upset.

Quickly, I rinsed off the suds, dried my hands, and went over to the refrigerator. He was talking. He was saying all kinds of stuff. Who knew what he was saying because I refused to listen. Besides, the brash tone he was using was not right.

With lettuce in one hand and sandwich meat in the other, I turned to him and said, “Dad, I love you. I thought you loved Mom. I thought you loved us. But what I saw, what I know—though I might be a kid, I'm more mature than you think—wasn't right. No, I didn't tell Mom. I would never tell her that. I didn't want to break her heart, but you're breaking her heart anyway.”

We both were startled when my mother came to the kitchen door and said, “Roger, our baby is growing up. I don't know whether to be angry that she saw what she saw or thankful.”

My father didn't know whether to calm my mother down or come to me. Both of us thought that she was out doing her afternoon jog. My dad was so on a rampage, tearing me up for calling him out, that we did not even hear the door open. But there she stood with her world just as shaken as mine—probably even more so because she was supposed to have a firmer foundation. She was married, for goodness' sake. They were going on twenty years. My dad was throwing all this away for nothing.

“How could you say that?” my father said to her.

With a vulnerable voice, my mom said, “Because she idolizes you. She puts you on a pedestal. You are the Honorable Judge Roger Black. The world admires you. You can do no wrong. But you
have
been doing wrong, and had I not seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it either. And our daughter is right! You can't do this to us!”

“It wasn't what she thought—”

Needing to make this mess go away, I said, “Mom, I don't know if it really was what I saw.”

“Don't try to explain it, Charli. Don't try to cover up for your father. I just can't believe that you didn't think you could come to me and talk about this.”

“For what? So I could break up my family? You guys got to stay together. You guys got to work it out,” I cried.

I now understood what had been tearing my parents apart. I so wished that I didn't know and had not spotted him. My dad's eyes welled-up. Thankfully, my dad chose to walk over to my mom.

She looked at him with an
It's over!
expression and said, “No more hiding. No more lying. No more trying to change your story. You've been caught, Your Honor. To think that you sit on one of the highest courts in our land—you have moral standards to uphold. What irony! You've been proven guilty, and the one person you love most now knows that you're not perfect. Wow, now you've been broken. Can you see how I feel? Losing something you really care about is hard. Well, deal with it, because payback hurts!”

I
hated running out on my father as he tried to comfort me. Though I loved him, I was upset with him. I certainly felt bad that my mom found out what I had stumbled upon.

I just wanted my pillow. As soon as I got in my room, I locked my door. I buried my head in it and let the tears flow.

School was about to start, and I would never have thought that I would be on the other end of fantastic. My world was upside down. Nothing in it was going right. The school mailed my schedule, which was all screwed up. I wanted to scream, but what would that do? I had to ask myself a question: Did I bring all this bad karma on myself? Did I deserve to have everything snatched away? Was my tough situation my fault?

As if my mom knew what I needed, I heard a soft tap on my door, followed by the sweet words, “Baby, open up. It's Mom. Let me in. I want to talk.”

As bad as I felt about all of this, I knew this had to be affecting her much worse. So I got up, wiped my face with the sheet, and headed over to the door. Her arms were extended, and I just fell into them like an Olympic swimmer dives into the water. And for a moment I felt so safe, so secure, so loved, and nothing else mattered except for the fact that I was her little girl. As much as I tried to be tough, sassy, grown, smart-mouthed, and independent, it was clear I needed my mother's protection.

Looking up from her bosom, I said, “I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean for you to hear any of that. I didn't wanna break your heart.”

“Charli, I'm sorry you had to see what you saw. I'm sorry that this house hasn't been the haven it has been for you in the past. Life happens, and it pulls people apart sometimes. This is hard on us both, and I don't want you to own any of this. Your dad's got to make this right. This is not your fault, and I don't want you to be bummed out about it.”

“Mom, how can I not let this affect me? So much is going wrong.”

“Yeah, but you must be tough, baby.”

“Mom, Blake broke up with me.”

Rubbing my hair, she said, “I'm sorry, honey. I know you really cared about him.”

Continuing, I said, “And the cheerleading squad … they don't even want me to be captain anymore. Unlike your situation with Dad, I did some things that probably led to both of those situations going awry for me.”

She lifted my chin to face her. “Well, honey, I don't want you to think I'm blameless in this whole thing with your dad.”

“Yeah, but you didn't make him go out and cheat on you.”

She looked away. She swallowed hard. My mom held back her tears.

“I'm sorry, Mom. I guess I shouldn't have said it that way.”

“I know you're growing up, Charli, and some of these things I want to keep from you. But if I want you to be ready for the real world, we must really be able to talk. And that's probably your dad's biggest problem with me. It's hard for us to be transparent with each other.”

“What do you mean?” I said.

Huffing, she voiced, “I don't make it easy for him to always shoot straight, bring me all his problems, all his issues, and all the tough dilemmas. I have him feeling like he's weighing me down … like I want him to leave work at work and not bring it home. However, I've been doing some evaluating of my life, and I realize that he should be able to say whatever he wants. I've gotten so caught up in a lot of my civic organizations: PTA, the sorority, the church group, and everything else, that I am available to everybody but you and your father. I am not blameless in all this. I've got some things I must work on. Sometimes we go to our lowest point so that we can do self reflection. You're going into your junior year of high school, Charli. You've got a lot of great things going on.”

“
Had
a lot of great things, Mom,” I said to her, feeling melancholy.

“Well, getting a new car, being captain of the cheerleading squad, having a stud boyfriend, not having to worry about what a lot of kids have to worry about, like where you're next meal is coming from, paying the bills, having a roof over your head, being safe. None of this is your concern. You're a great student and you're beautiful. I figured one of these days that you were going to get a big head, and while I hate that you are hurting, being arrogant, cocky, and selfish is surely no way to be.”

My mom had not been walking daily with me for the last couple of months, but she was right on with all that she was saying. Though I thought I was confident, I was alienating people. Though I wanted to stay focused on cheerleading, I had completely left out someone who needed me. Though I wanted a car badly, I got in the middle of what my parents wanted for me. I had gotten a little too big for my britches, and I knew it.

“So how do I fix all of this? I mean, I can't fix you and Dad. Blake's moved on with another girl. Honestly, seeing him today hugged up on some other girl makes me think …”

“Okay, okay, okay, enough about Blake. Yes, let him move on. The right boy will come along when it's time. I told you that before. What about the cheerleading squad? If you feel like you lost their support, maybe you do need to step aside for a minute. But you're not a quitter, and you do have some assets that you can bring to that team. You're a smart girl. School's about to start. Let's go shopping so we can enjoy each other. The rest of the drama is going to work itself out. Though it is a little dark for the black women … I see light on the horizon.”

I just hugged her. She left, and I turned on my computer, waited for it to boot up, went to my e-mail, and clicked on my address book. I pulled up all of the cheerleaders' e-mail addresses as well as Coach Woods's. I typed:

Dear Ladies,

First of all, I want to apologize for being overzealous as your captain. There's no excuse for how I treated you guys, and I do want the best for our team. Like I always truly believed, I know we can win state; therefore, to help us do that, I am resigning as captain—effective immediately. Again, thank you all for your support, and I know the next leader won't make the same mistakes I did. Forgive me.

Charli Black

As I pushed send, I could only hope this email would be received the right way. I knew I lost friends, lost respect, and lost my job as captain, but I did want to earn back their trust. This was the best way I knew how to do that. It was hard, but it was right.

It was the first day of school, and I felt like all eyes were on me at Lockwood High. You might as well call me the cowardly lion, as I couldn't face all the folks talking about me. Even though I could barely hear some of them, I knew what they were saying.

One girl rolled her eyes at me and said, “She thought she was all that. Now she has nothing.”

This other chick laughed and said, “Blake's girl no more. He dropped her.”

The dude that had much sweet style whispered, “The best cheerleader, but they certainly didn't want her to be the captain. Didn't you hear they fired her?”

The last comment he made was not true. However, they did not care that they heard the story wrong. And what did it matter anyway? I certainly felt worthless.

What was worse than feeling like a loser was being excluded from my girls. Walking into the school together had always been our thing. However, this year I had to watch them stroll in as a foursome. Looking fly, as I knew they would. Holding their heads up high, which they should. And working it like only they could. I realized how much I loved them: Hallie for her outgoing personality. Ella for her sweet heart. Eva for her bold sassiness. And Randal for her reserved demeanor.

They saw me, and I
so
wanted them to stop. I wanted them to ask me how I was doing. Maybe even tell me that I looked good. Would it take much of their energy for them to talk to me for a second and catch me up on their world? But they kept going, and it took every ounce of dignity I could muster up to not run and hide. This was going to be a tough year.

My mom was with me to make sure I got my odd and even classes changed: AP English, Chemistry, US History, and Math III. I was so happy I had Musical Theater and PE, but I didn't want too easy of a schedule. I still wanted to impress college recruiters. Therefore, I had French III and Statistics. College here I come. My focus would be on making sure I was ready for the next level. SATs were coming up in a couple of months. My GPA was a 3.5, but I needed to crank it up because the schools I was interested in required a 3.75. I had work to do, and with no social life, I could do it.

Finally, I made it to lunch. Even the unpopular kids heard I was branded a chump. Their table was not full, but I got the mean eye not to sit there. Other tables I passed were full. The table all the way back in the corner had a couple of science geeks and a couple of empty chairs. When I asked them if I could sit there, none of them even looked up. I wanted to plead and beg for my friends to take me in, but this was going to have to do.

When I reached to pull the chair out, strong hands pulled it out for me. “Can I sit with you?”

I looked up and smiled for the first time that day. Kind Brenton Strong was standing with a tray, and he was sporting his brand-new, first-day-of-school digs rather well. I motioned for him to sit down.

“You know, word's out I got the plague. You don't wanna catch the ‘unpopular' disease. You might wanna sit somewhere else,” I warned him.

“I think you know me well enough by now to know that I don't care what people think or say. You shouldn't either. Not looking as good as you do, anyway,” Brenton said, stepping up his game.

I knew he liked me. I was not dumb. He had been flirting for the last couple of months. But to pull out my chair, give me a compliment any girl would blush over, and stare me down … what was up? What was his angle? With all I was dealing with, I did not even have time to figure it out, so I just started eating. Brenton kept staring.

“
What
?” I said.

“Is something wrong?” he asked, taking a bite of his sandwich.

Lots of giggling filled the air. I looked over and felt like I had been kicked in the gut again. Blake walked into the cafeteria; my depression went up a notch.

“That can't have you hung up,” he said, as he motioned his head in the direction of Blake.

Seething, I said, “He's a trip. Isn't he supposed to be going out with Jackie? What's up with the short skirt he's talking to now? So tacky.”

“Yeah, you still talking like you care. Want me to go get him for you?” Brenton said with a little attitude, clearly upset that I still had feelings for Blake.

I didn't tell him not to get Blake, and I didn't tell him to get him either. Then he put down his food, turned my chair toward his, and said, “Why don't you get it? He's moved on. You're gorgeous. You're smart. And you deserve more.”

“Yeah, whatever, says the boy who has no girlfriend,” I uttered.

“It's not like I can't get one but whatever,” he said, even more frustrated with me than I was with Blake.

As he was about to get up, I placed my hand on his wrist. “I'm sorry. I was completely out of line. I didn't mean that at all.”

Brenton was coming at me hard. I simply wanted to come back at him harder, but he was coming at me because he cared. I needed to show him I appreciated that.

Trying to get Brenton to understand, I said, “It's my fault with Blake … that's all. It's hard for me to get over him … knowing I'm the reason he's gone.”

“Are you kidding?” he said. “He's my cousin, but he had a wandering eye way before you didn't answer some call. He should've appreciated that he had a girl with a life. He's not the only one who can have it going on. The thing I really dig about you … yeah, you're fine. You're fly. You're fearless. All that's cool, and I mean … no brother wants to have an ugly girl … I'm just saying.”

I smiled.

“No, seriously, what I admire … what I like … what I really dig about you is that you always got something going on. If it's not you studying or thinking about the next level, you're trying to take your team all the way to the state cheer deal, or you're going to volunteer somewhere. You're always on the move, and Blake was a little jealous of you, frankly. You need a man who's confident enough in his own game … that can be proud enough of his girl doing her own thing too.”

“And what? You wanna be that guy?” Getting closer, he whispered, “You know I do.” I was really uncomfortable because I felt lost … because that always upbeat girl that he was talking about was gone. I did not know her anymore. So I looked down, embarrassed, but he took his masculine hand and placed it under my chin and pulled my face upward toward him.

In a smoother tone than Brenton had ever used, he said, “You have no reason to walk around here feeling down. Get the Charli Black we both know back. And if you can't find her, let me bring her out.”

Then he leaned over and kissed me. It was like the cafeteria stood still and so did my heart. Brenton Strong had it going on.

“Okay, just because it's the first day of school and it's a long day, don't come into cheerleading practice acting like y'all can't give it your all,” Whitney said, picking up right where I left off.

I was stretching when Coach came over to me and said, “I'd like to talk to you about your e-mail.”

Whitney yelled out, “There's nothing to talk about. We all got it. Resignation accepted.”

Coach sternly replied, “Whitney, lead the cheer, please.”

Whitney cheered, “Everybody do this … and this … and this … everybody do this. Our first game is Friday. Let's turn it up, girls.”

I scratched my head. Gosh, Whitney was annoying. If I was
anything
like that, I wouldn't be able to handle it either. When Coach Woods and I got to her office, she said, “So uh, what was the e-mail all about?”