Allegiant (27 page)

James’ eyes cloud over. “Why didn’t you tell
me?”

“
Because I didn’t want you
to think badly of your mother.”

James looks down, processing what I’ve told
him, and then his head snaps up. “Is there anything else I don’t
know?”

I feel the need to defend Dane and my
decision to let him into my life. “He helped me take out my
aggressions after you were assigned as my Guardian; he told me his
mother died when he was young, and he could relate to my grief. He
said, if I could ever love him, he would wait for me.”

James frowns. “How is it possible that I
know none of these things?”

I take a step toward him. “They happened
while you were keeping your distance from me.”

James studies my face for a moment. “And if
I’d stayed away?” he asks. “Do you think Dane wouldn’t have left
you like he left Teagan?”

“
Have you met Teagan? She’s
evil!”

James scoffs. “Not according to Meg.”

I can feel my forehead pinch as I scowl.
“What’s Meg got to do with this?”

“
Meg is Teagan’s
Guardian.”

“
James!”

Both of our heads snap toward Garrett’s
voice, and we find him standing just inside my doorway.

“
You know that is
privileged information,” Garrett says as he approaches us. “What
are you thinking?”

James takes a step back and sighs heavily.
“Why are you here?”

“
I came for cookies.”
Garrett looks at me. “What is going on?” he demands.

The need to tell Garrett overwhelms me.
Maybe he can set James straight, help him with his behavior. He was
his Guardian and mentor, after all. “James almost hit Dane last
night,” I confess. Under my lashes, I glance at James. If looks
could kill, I would be dead. Deader than dead. James shoots daggers
at me.

“
Again with the jealousy?”
Garrett glares at James. “Are you begging for attention? You know
that is unacceptable!”

James walks toward Garrett
and stops inches from him. “It’s hard to control,” he nearly
growls. “All of my emotions are getting stronger;
nothing
is fading like
you said it would!” He glances at me and then to Garrett again.
“The sooner I can be human, the sooner I can be everything she
needs. Then this conversation will mean nothing.”

“
You are everything she
needs!” Garrett exclaims.

James crosses his arms. “I don’t see it that
way.”

Garrett steps back and stares at James,
shaking his head in disbelief. He looks at me and then closes his
eyes, taking a deep breath. “Sit down.”

When he opens his eyes, we’re both still
standing. “I said sit down.”

I tentatively move to the couch and,
begrudgingly, James joins me. Garrett follows us and takes a seat
in the opposite chair. He rubs his forehead. “This is not the time
I wanted to tell you this,” he says, his voice tired. “But I think
it might alleviate your stress.” He looks us in the eyes. “Or at
least allow you to move forward.”

My pulse starts to accelerate.

“
Emma,” he turns to me,
“you’ve become a good friend. I never expected it, but it’s
something I’m truly grateful for. I don’t want to see you tortured
any more than I want to see James struggle.”

James scowls, unconvinced.

“
It true,” Garrett says to
James. “You were my Ward. Every fiber of my being is programmed to
protect you, to look out for what’s best, to guide you in your
decisions to a life well-lived. I still feel some of that
connection to you now.” He looks at his hands. “That’s why, before
I tell you this, I need you to know that what I did brought me
physical pain. Pain I thought I no longer had the ability to feel.”
He looks up at James. “It was debilitating.”

James narrows his eyes. “What did you
do?”

Garrett sits up straight and takes a deep
breath. “I assigned you to Emma, so that you could never be
released and so that I could be Reborn. You can’t be human again,”
he pauses, “unless Emma dies.”

I can’t catch my breath. It feels like I’ve
fallen off a high rise and landed on the cement face first. James,
on the other hand, leaps off the couch and shoves Garrett, flipping
the chair over and spilling him on to the floor. “You used me!” he
shouts.

“
It was the best thing for
all of us!” Garrett tries to stand. “You know the odds of Emma
releasing you were slim!”

The sound of my name helps me to breathe
again. “You don’t know that!” I jump to stand.

“
The fact that you two are
still arguing over Dane proves it,” Garrett says, regaining his
balance. He looks at James. “I tied you to her for life! I knew it
would be difficult, but I thought you could overcome it. I truly
did.”

James doesn’t care. He lunges at Garrett and
lands a right hook across his jaw with a sickening crunch. Garrett
stumbles to side and catches himself before he hits the wall. He
stands straight and shakes off the pain, taking a defensive
stance.

“
You let me believe I could
be human again!” James swings, but Garrett’s prepared and he
misses.

“
I had to!” Garrett circles
around the couch and behind me. “We need your cooperation to stay
hidden!”

“
You made the wrong
choice,” James seethes and advances. “If I can’t be human neither
can you.”

“
You can’t go to The
Allegiant,” Garrett says. “You’ll ruin the chance for all the
others.”

“
I don’t care about
them!”

“
You can’t take this away
from Thomas! Or Joss or Jenna! Think about Meg,” Garrett tries to
reason. “You can’t take this away from her.”

When Garrett says Meg’s name, James stops in
his tracks. His action causes tears to burn behind my eyes. I think
we all just realized how much he truly does care for her.

Garrett relaxes his stance slightly.
“Please,” he says to James. “If you care nothing for us and our
cause, that’s fine.” He glances at me. “But think of Emma. If The
Allegiant find out about your jealousy, you very well may lose
her.”

James turns and focuses on me. His
expression registers both anger and pain, and tears start to make
tracks down my cheeks. In a way, I’ve already lost him. But, I
could lose him for absolute and forever if he exposes Garrett’s
secret. The Allegiant would know everything, and they would take
his memories of us for sure. “Don’t do it,” I whisper.

I can see my plea register in his eyes.
Suddenly, James jumps forward, taking Garrett by surprise as he
grabs his shirt and throws him up against the door. “You. Owe. Me.”
He enunciates each word. He lets Garrett’s clothes go with a rough
shove and backs away from the door. He turns toward me with a
vacant expression. “I need some time.”

I nod in understanding. I’ve seen that look
before; I know what it means. This is where he leaves me to try and
stop loving me again. Will this cycle never end? I walk to him and
wrap my arms around his waist and press my head against his chest.
He hugs me back loosely, as if he’s afraid to touch me. “I’ll miss
you,” I say, muffled.

I can hear him exhale and feel him brush the
top of my head with his lips. He doesn’t return the sentiment or
tell me he loves me. He just evaporates in my arms, leaving my
chest feeling hollow and a sob stuck in my throat.

“
Emma,” Garrett says from
across the room, “I’m sorry, but you can move forward now. You
don’t have to worry about a future with James.”

I shoot Garrett a nasty look. “You made sure
of that, didn’t you?”

He starts to approach me. I can see the left
side of his face is already bruised and starting to swell. “You
know why I did it.”

“
Because you’re selfish?” I
spit. “It had nothing to do with what you wanted with Amelia or how
it was the best thing for James and me! You’re an excellent
liar.”

“
What I said was true. I
wanted to be in Amelia’s life in any way possible. I would have
gladly been her Guardian.”

I back away from him. “You need to go. I
don’t trust you anymore.”

“
Don’t say that.” He looks
crushed. “You can trust me.”

I shake my head violently. “You need to
leave. Now.”

Garrett looks down and then backs toward the
door. He opens it then turns to me again. “I’ll be home if you want
to talk.”

I give him a scathing
stare. “That’s
so
not going to happen.”

“
Emma,” he almost
pleads.

“
Leave!” I yell.

He follows my order and walks through the
door, closing it quietly behind him. I sink to the floor where I
stand and let the sob rip through my throat. I thought I was alone
before. I had no idea I could be even more so.

My body desperately wants to fall asleep,
but my mind won’t let it. Ever since Garrett’s revelation, I’ve
managed three, maybe four hours of sleep a night. I stopped at the
store this afternoon, on my way back from class, and bought a sleep
aid because I thought it would help. I glance at the clock and then
roll over in frustration. It’s one in the morning. I took those
pills hours ago. They should have kicked in by now.

I rack my brain for things to do. I have to
keep myself occupied, so my mind can’t connect with my heart. I’ve
spent the last four days attending class then working ahead in all
of them, as far as I can. I’ve cleaned my apartment from top to
bottom. I’ve experimented in the kitchen, making myself real meals
instead of frozen ones. I’ve bugged LB so much that she’s grown
sick of me, and she hides under the bed whenever I walk into the
room. Today, I even attempted an online job search and applied for
three positions. I’m running out of options.

Lifting my head, I punch the pillow to fluff
it, and then flip to my other side. At least I’ve been able to
avoid Garrett. I was worried about how I would manage to ignore him
in Ethics and concentrate on the lecture, but he hasn’t shown up.
Either he’s being a coward, or he’s staying away to make things
easier for me. I close my eyes and grit my teeth. I refuse to
believe he’s doing anything for me out of kindness. The center of
my chest starts to squeeze in that grievously familiar,
uncomfortable way, and I try to stop thinking. Eventually, I’m
going to have to come to grips with the fact that I’ve lost someone
who pretended to be a friend.

Logical thoughts bounce around in my head.
They suggest action, but my body refuses to listen and
cooperate.

If you don’t get enough rest, you’ll get
sick.

I know.

Any future with James was a long shot.

Don’t remind me.

Go to sleep.

I can’t.

You should take some more medicine.

Is that really wise?

Call Shel and ask.

It’s after one a.m.

She’ll reassure you.

That’s rude.

Go over and talk to Garrett.

No.

He’ll understand.

He’s no longer a friend.

Call Dane and apologize.

Not an option.

It will make you feel better.

He won’t believe me.

Get up and watch TV.

I need to sleep!

Well, you need to do something.

I KNOW.

I throw the covers off.
This internal conversation is making my head ache. I need to feel
better. Not amazing, not perfect, not happy. Just
better
. Anything other
than this mechanical, numb shell of the person I used to be. I
stare at the ceiling and think of home. I crave to be there.
Honestly, if I could have one person here with me right now it
would be my mother. I guess that should sound lame coming from a
22-year old, but it’s the truth. The thought of my family is
comforting and, suddenly, I bolt upright. Why didn’t I think of
this before?

I throw my legs off the side of the bed and
pad to the living room to find my laptop. I turn it on and, while
it loads, head to the kitchen to make a mug of hot chocolate. When
I return, I navigate to WMU’s website and begin my search;
hopefully I can find answers here. If not, tomorrow I’ll be
skulking around campus as I try and get some in person.

My mission is simple. I need to figure out a
way to complete my last semester from home.

The next morning, I sit bleary-eyed in the
Advising Office. Thankfully the advisors are still around on
Fridays. My research yielded promising results; it turns out an
approved internship can be used for business elective credits. I
know I have four classes left to complete toward my degree, and I’m
hoping that I’ll be able waive a couple in lieu of an internship,
while completing the other two online. I have plenty of time to hit
the pavement and find someplace closer to home to intern.

“
Emma?” my advisor, Mrs.
Andrews, calls to me from behind the welcome desk. “Come on
back.”

I stand and follow the petite woman to her
office. Mrs. Andrews has been my advisor since I started at
Western. She assisted me when I first came to campus, after high
school, and then helped me again after James’ accident; I had to
find out what my options were and if I could complete my courses
from home. She was very understanding then. I’m hoping for the same
today.

“
How have you been?” she
asks as she rounds her desk. “I’m glad to see you.”

I take a seat opposite her and give her a
small smile. “Things have been good,” I lie. Well, not totally lie.
My classes have been good. “I was hoping I could get some help
planning my last semester.”