All New Letters From a Nut (32 page)

Full text of the above letter to follow.

GOOEY BEN OINTMENT
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Warden Bruce Pearson
FEDERAL CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION
YAZOO CITY
2225 HALEY BARBOUR PARKWAY
YAZOO CITY, MS 39194

Jan 23, 2010

Dear Warden Pearson, Yazoo City Prison:

Thank you once again for answering me. For the record I am a long time Yazoo descendent. My father was a Yazoo and his father was a Yazoo. We are all Yazoos. That is why I want to reach out to Yazoo Prison and give back. (for my program)

I manufacture an ointment – GOOEY BEN – which is a deep penetrating pain cream. “Fast relief from minor arthritis, backache, muscle & joint pain.” Compares to BEN GAY. “Temporarily relieves the minor aches and pains of muscles and joints associated with simple backache, arthritis, & strains.”

Stop use and ask a doctor if condition worsens or symptoms persist for more than 7 days or excessive skin irritation occurs.

I would like to come to Yazoo and give everyone a tube of Gooey Ben. (If available) Guards, prisoners. I am a professional! How’s that? Then I am giving back. (for my program) No fighting, wrestling, pinching. Just nice soothing ointment. For you. And all the people of Yazoo. (if I have) Gooey Ben is deep penetrating pain relief. “Non-staining, goes on smoothly. With three pain relieving ingredients – more then any other ointment. Strongest GOOEY BEN® ever.”

When using this product avoid contact with eyes or mucous membranes, do not bandage tightly.

What do you think? Everyone feels better with ointment on them. Let me know.

Respectfully,

Full text of the above letter to follow.

February 11, 2010

Ted L. Nancy
1413 1/2 Kenneth Road #193
Glendale, California 91201

Dear Mr. Nancy:

This is in response to your correspondence dated January 23, 2010, concerning your request to visit the Federal Correctional Complex, Yazoo City, Mississippi, to promote an ointment that you manufacture.

It is not our practice to permit businesses to enter our facility to promote products. While I appreciate your offer, I must humbly decline.

I trust you will understand my position on this matter.

Sincerely,

Full text of the above letter to follow.

TED L. NANCY
560 N Moorpoark Rd #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

MR. THOMAS KLESTIL
Prasidententschaftskanzlei
Hofburg, 1014 Vienna, Austria
Dear Mr. President Klestil,

As President of Austria I am sure you get many many good letters. (That’s 2 manys) Yes this is a good letter on my desire for Austria and the fantastic job you are doing as it’s leader. BETRACHTILCH!

The people of Austria are wonderful. One helped me with a tar–y heel i had stuck in a hot sidewalk. He pulled me free.

I have enjoyed my stay in Austria so much (where I stuffed my face with gimelkronk) that I now want to become Austrian. I will inject myself with Austrian spoongle and become a citizen. one of you. How’s that for dedication? Will you pet my dog? I want to turn myself Austrian. I will take the needed injections and ointments and live and work as an Austrian. BIMMELFARB!

I do this to salute you, and the gentleman that helped me change a tire when i blew one out and veered off in a crowd of people at an Austrian busstop and got my shoe stuck in the sidewalk.

Thank you for my reply. Please thank everyone for me.

Respectfully,

Future Austrianer

Full text of the above letter to follow.

The Consul General of Austria

No. 3924/96

Dear Mrs. Ted,

I refer to your kind letter to the Austrian Federal President Thomas Klestil, which I have been asked to reply to, because President Klestil is in the hospital right now.

I thank you very much for your friendly words about the Austrian people. I am gratified to read that you enjoyed your stay in Austria as well as Austria’s hospitality and the helpfulness of the Austrian people.