All New Letters From a Nut (13 page)

Respectfully,

Full text of the above letter to follow.

Harriet Carter Gifts, Inc.
425 Stump Road
North Wales, PA 19454
215–361–5122

11/25/2009

Dear MR F D NANCY.

Thank you for your inquiries about some products.

We do not carry the Solitary Confinement Cell for pet carrying. We do sell the Smart Mop (see enclosed picture).

Thank you.

Sincerely Yours,
HARRIET CARTER GIFTS

Full text of the above letter to follow.

1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201
[email protected]

Enrollment
KAPLAN UNIVERSITY
6301 Kaplan University Avenue
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33309

5 Apr 09

Dear Kaplan University:

Please send me information on retraining myself through your school. I have recently been laid off and seek a new education for a new job.

I am an out of work quip writer for pillows. I worked in the quip sector making up mottos and quips that were stitched onto pillows. At one time this was a lucrative field. However with the economy so down it is hard to get people to believe that a pillow with a happy motto like: “EACH MORNING YOU WAKE UP AND YOU’LL BE UP” will boost them. No one’s paying $99.00 for a pillow with a motto on it anymore. I used to work regularly as there were over 1000 quip pillow stores in malls. I came up with the motto: “THAT DRIPPING SOUND YOU HEAR IS YOUR BRAIN LEAKING GOOD THOUGHTS TO YOU” (that was mine) This was stitched on over 1100 pillows and all sold. (in good times) I even had one for the diabetic person who lost part of his foot. “BE AN OPTIMIST. LOOK AT THE SHOE HALF FULL” That did not sell. I read in Ohio one person smothered his wife with a quip pillow. That shook me. (My motto on pillow) Now I am seeking a new field to retrain myself as I now realize after 34 years of this it was B.S. (to put it bluntly)

That’s why I want to get my degree in Homeland Security. Let’s get me in there and starting securing peoples. Remember: “GET OUT OF BED. ONCE YOU’RE UP YOU’RE UP”. I am ready for a new career.

Send me information to take these classes. Thank you.

Respectfully,

“YOU’RE GOING TO LIKE THE WAY YOU LOOK. I GUARANTEE IT” (George Zimmer the Mens Wearhouse)

Full text of the above letter to follow.

May 6, 2009

Dear TED L.,

Congratulations on taking the first step toward reaching your career goals!

My name is Danial Riehle and I am your Kaplan Continuing Education Admissions Advisor. I have received your request for information regarding our Cisco Certified Design Professional. I have been trying to reach you, but the contact information I have must not be current or correct.

Please let me know how to contact you and the best time to reach you. I would like very much to talk to you about Kaplan’s convenient online certificate program and how it can help you prepare for career success. Of course, you don’t have to wait for my call. You can contact me anytime.

When we talk, I’ll give you all the details about your course of study, costs, tuition assistance, books and software requirements. I’ll also help you get started on the admissions process.

I’m looking forward to speaking with you soon and helping you take the next step on the road to professional success.

Thank you,

Danial Riehle
Admissions Advisor

Kaplan Continuing Education
6301 Kaplan University Avenue
Fort Lauderdale, FL 33309 USA

India: 000–800–650–1541
Hong Kong: 800–963–729
Jordan: Access code 18–800–000, Dial 888–833–4661
Philippines: 1–800–1–651–0534
Saudi Arabia: 800–844–4322
Singapore: 800–181–1102
Thailand: 001–800–656–975
UAE: 800–01–441–6296
Ext: 92003481

All other Email:
[email protected]

Accelerate Your Career Opportunity. Exceed Your Expections
.

Full text of the above letter to follow.

F.D. NANCY (MR)
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Sessions Online School of Design
350 7th Ave, 2 floor
NY, NY 10001

4/8/9

Dear Sessions school:

I want to inquire about taking courses and learning a new career. You have been recommended to me by others in my field who have retrained with you.

I need to retrain! I am wasting my time in the PAPER HAT INDUSTRY which is going under. No one has job anymore and even less want to wear a paper hat. Boy what a waste of my last 37 years. Can you help me? Now they are working on a paper uniform. How stupid is that? The thing keeps tearing and showing everyone’s underwear and socks. They’ll never get paper not to tear.

Someone told me there was a Taz there that was very good.

I was thinking of the PHOTOSHOP industry. Everybody photoshops Let me work with them for $. I want to take your course. Please write me with information.

I am ready to take all courses now in PHOTOSHOP or other course you can recommend in your fine school.

My home address at top. email is:
[email protected]

Sincerely.