A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Ersatz Elevator (4 page)

should stop complaining and go change into our new outfits." The Baudelaires stood together for another moment and nodded resolutely, a phrase which here means "tried to make themselves stop feeling ungrateful and put on the suits." But even though they didn't want to seem spoiled, even though they knew their situation was not a terrible one at all, and even though they had less than an hour to change into the suits, find Jerome, and walk down all those hundreds and hundreds of stairs, the three children could not seem to move. They simply stood in front of their bedroom doors and stared into their bags from the In Boutique. "Of course," Klaus said finally, "no matter how lucky we are, the fact remains that these pinstripe suits are entirely too big for us." Klaus spoke the truth. It was a truth that might help you understand why the Baudelaires were so disappointed with what was in their bags. It was a truth that might help you understand why the Baudelaires were so reluctant to go into their rooms and change into their pinstripe suits. And it was a truth that became even more obvious when the Baudelaires finally went into their rooms, and opened their bags and put on the gifts that Esme had given them. It is often difficult to tell if a piece of clothing will fit you or not until you try it on, but the Baudelaire children could tell the instant they first looked into the shopping bags that these clothes dwarfed them by comparison. The expression "dwarfed by comparison" has nothing to do with dwarves, who are dull creatures in fairy tales who spend their time whistling and cleaning house. "Dwarfed by comparison" simply means that one thing seems small when compared to another thing. A mouse would be dwarfed by comparison with an ostrich, which is much bigger, and an ostrich would be dwarfed by comparison with the city of Paris. And the Baudelaires were dwarfed by comparison with the pinstripe suits. When Violet put the pants part of her suit on, the legs of the suit stretched much, much farther than the legs of her body, so it was as if she had two huge noodles instead of feet. When Klaus put the jacket part of his suit on, the sleeves fell far, far past his hands, so his arms looked as if they had shrunk up inside his body. And Sunny's suit dwarfed her so much by comparison that it was as if she had pulled the covers over her in bed instead of changing her clothes. When the Baudelaires stepped back out of their bedrooms and met up again in the hallway, they were so dwarfed by comparison that they scarcely recognized one another. "You look like you're skiing," Klaus said, pointing at his older sister's pant legs. "Except your skis are made of cloth instead of titanium alloy."

Chapter Four

If you are ever forced to take a chemistry class, you will probably see, at the front of the classroom, a large chart divided into squares, with different numbers and letters in each of them. This chart is called the table of the elements, and scientists like to say that it contains all the substances that make up our world. Like everyone else, scientists are wrong from time to time, and it is easy to see that they are wrong about the table of the elements. Because although this table contains a great many elements, from the element oxygen, which is found in the air, to the element aluminum, which is found in cans of soda, the table of the elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise. The element of surprise is not a gas, like oxygen, or a solid, like aluminum. The element of surprise is an unfair advantage, and it can be found in situations in which one person has sneaked up on another. The surprised person--or, in this sad case, the surprised persons--are too stunned to defend themselves, and the sneaky person has the advantage of the element of surprise. "Hello, please," Count Olaf said in his raspy voice, and the Baudelaire orphans were too stunned to defend themselves. They did not scream. They did not run away from Olaf. They did not call out for their guardians to save them. They merely stood there, in their enormous pinstripe suits, and stared at the terrible man who had somehow found them once more. As Olaf looked down at them with a nasty smile, enjoying the unfair advantage of the element of surprise, the children saw that he was in yet another of his nefarious disguises, a phrase which here means that he did not fool them one bit no matter what he was wearing. On Olaf's feet were a pair of shiny black boots with high tops that almost reached his knees--the sort of boots that someone might wear to ride a horse. Over one of Olaf's eyes was a monocle, which is an eyeglass for one eye, instead of two--the sort of eyewear that requires you to furrow your brow in order to keep it in place. And the rest of his body was covered in a pinstripe suit--the sort of suit that someone might wear in order to be in at the time when this story takes place. But the Baudelaires knew that Olaf didn't care about being in, any more than he had imperfect vision in one eye or was about to go horseback riding. The three children knew that Olaf was wearing boots to cover up the tattoo of an eye that he had on his left ankle. They knew he was wearing the monocle so that he could furrow his brow and make it difficult to see that he had only one long eyebrow over his shiny, shiny eyes. And they knew that he was wearing a pinstripe suit so that people would think he was a rich, in person who belonged on Dark Avenue, instead of a greedy, treacherous villain who belonged in a heavily guarded prison. "You must be children, please," he continued, using the word "please" incorrectly for the second time. "The name of mine is Gunther. Please excuse the talking of me. Please, I am not fluent in the English language, please." "How ..." Violet said, and then stopped. She was still stunned, and it was difficult to finish the sentence "How did you find us so quickly, and how did you get past the doorman, who promised to keep you away from us?" while under the element of surprise. "Where ..." Klaus said, and then stopped. He was as stunned as his sister, and he found it impossible to finish the sentence "Where have you put the Quagmire triplets?" while under the element of surprise. "Bik ..." Sunny said, and stopped. The element of surprise weighed down on the youngest Baudelaire as heavily as it did on Violet and Klaus, and Sunny could not find the words to finish the sentence "Bikayado?" which meant something like "What new evil plan have you cooked up to steal our fortune?" "I see you are not fluent in the English language either, please," Count Olaf said, continuing to fake a different way of talking. "Where is the mother and father?" "We're not the mother and father," Esme said, and the Baudelaires felt another element of surprise as the Squalors walked into the hallway from another door. "We're the legal guardians. These children are orphans, Gunther." "Ah!" From behind his monocle, Count Olaf's eyes grew even shinier, as they often did when he was looking down on the helpless Baudelaires. The children felt as if his eyes were a pair of lit matches, about to burn them to a crisp. "Orphans in!" he said. "I know orphans are in," Esme said, ignoring Olaf's improper grammar. "In fact, they're so in they ought to be auctioned off next week at the big event!" "Esme!" Jerome said. "I'm shocked! We're not going to auction off these children." "Of course we're not," Esme said. "It's against the law to auction off children. Oh, well. Come along, Gunther. I'll give you a full tour of our apartment. Jerome, take the children to Cafe Salmonella." "But we haven't even introduced them," Jerome said. "Violet, Klaus, Sunny--meet Gunther, the auctioneer we were talking about earlier. Gunther, meet the newest members of our family." "I am happy to meet you, please," Olaf said, reaching out one of his scraggly hands. "We've met before," Violet said, happy to see that the element of surprise was fading away and that she was finding the courage to speak up. "Many times before. Jerome and Esme, this man is an impostor. He's not Gunther and he's not an auctioneer. This is Count Olaf." "I am not understanding, please, what the orphan is saying," Olaf said. "Please, I am not fluent in the English language, please." "Yes you are," said Klaus, who also found himself feeling more courageous than surprised. "You speak English perfectly." "Why, Klaus, I'm surprised at you!" Jerome said. "A well-read person such as yourself should know he made a few grammatical errors." "Waran!" Sunny shrieked. "My sister is right," Violet said. "His improper English is just part of his disguise. If you make him take off his boots, you'll see his tattoo, and if you make him take off his monocle, his brow will unfurrow, and--" "Gunther is one of the innest auctioneers in the world," Esme said impatiently. "He told me so himself. I'm not going to make him get undressed just to make you feel better. Now shake Gunther's hand, and go off to dinner and we'll say no more about it." "He's not Gunther, I tell you!" Klaus cried. "He's Count Olaf." "I am not knowing what you are saying, please," Count Olaf said, shrugging his scrawny shoulders. "Esme," Jerome said hesitantly. "How can we be sure this man is really who he says he is? ' The children do seem quite alarmed. Perhaps we should--" "Perhaps we should listen to me," Esme said, pointing one long-nailed finger at herself. "I am Esme Gigi Geniveve Squalor, the city's sixth most important financial advisor. I live on Dark Avenue, and I am unbelievably wealthy." "I know that, dear," Jerome said. "I live with you." "Well, if you want to continue to live with me, you will call this man by his proper name, and this goes for you three children as well. I go to the trouble of buying you some smashing pinstripe suits, and you start accusing people of being in disguise!" "It is O.K., please," Count Olaf said. "The children are confused." "We're not confused, Olaf," Violet said. Esme turned to Violet and gave her an angry glare. "You and your siblings will call this man Gunther," she ordered, "or you will make me very, very sorry I took you into my glamorous home." Violet looked at Klaus, and then at Sunny, and quickly made a decision. Arguing with somebody is never pleasant, but sometimes it is useful and necessary to do so. Just the other day, for example, it was useful and necessary for me to have an unpleasant argument with a medical student, because if he hadn't let me borrow his speedboat I would now be chained inside a very small, waterproof room, instead of sitting in a typewriter factory typing out this woeful tale. But Violet realized that it was neither useful nor necessary to argue with Esme, because her guardian had clearly made up her mind about Gunther. It would be more useful and necessary to leave the penthouse and try to figure out what to do about the reappearance of this dreadful villain, instead of standing there and bickering over what name to call him, so Violet took a deep breath and smiled up at the man who had brought so much trouble into the Baudelaire lives. "I'm sorry, Gunther," she said, almost choking on her false apology. "But--" Klaus started to argue, but Violet gave him a look that meant the Baudelaires would discuss the matter later, when there weren't any adults around. "That's right," he said quickly, understanding his sister's glance at once. "We thought you were someone else, sir." Gunther reached up to his face and adjusted his monocle. "O.K., please," he said. "It's so much nicer when no one is arguing," Jerome said. "Come on, children, let's go to dinner. Gunther and Esme have to plan the auction, and they need the apartment to themselves." "Let me just take a minute to roll up my sleeves," Klaus replied. "Our suits are a little big." "First you complain that Gunther is an impostor, then you complain about your suits," Esme said, rolling her eyes. "I guess it goes to show you that orphans can be in and rude at the same time. Come on, Gunther, let me show you the rest of my glorious apartment." "See you later, please," Gunther said to the children, his eyes shining brightly, and gave them a little wave as he followed Esme down the hallway. Jerome waved back, but as soon as Gunther was around the corner, he leaned in close to the children. "That was very nice of you to stop arguing with Esme," he said. "I could tell that you weren't completely convinced you had made a mistake about Gunther. But don't worry. There is something we can do to set your minds at ease." The Baudelaires looked at one another and smiled in relief. "Oh, thank you, Jerome," Violet said. "What did you have in mind?" Jerome smiled, and knelt down to help Violet roll up the legs of her suit. "I wonder if you can guess," he said. "We could make Gunther take off his boots," she said, "and we could see if he had Olaf's tattoo." "Or we could make him remove his monocle and unfurrow his brow," Klaus said, as he rolled up his sleeves, "and we could get a better look at his eyebrow situation." "Resyca!" Sunny said, which meant something like "Or you could simply ask him to leave the penthouse, and never return!" "Well, I don't know what 'Resyca!' means," Jerome said, "but we're not going to do those other things. Gunther is a guest, and we don't want to be rude to him." The Baudelaires actually did want to be rude to him, but they knew it was rude to say so. "Then what will set our minds at ease?" Violet asked. "Instead of climbing down all those stairs," Jerome said, "we can slide down the banister! It's great fun, and whenever I do it, it takes my mind off my troubles, no matter what they are. Follow me!" Sliding down a banister, of course, was not going to make the Baudelaires feel any better about an evil person lurking around their home, but before any of them could say so, Jerome was already leading the way out of the penthouse. "Come on, Baudelaires!" he called, and the children followed him as he walked quickly down the hallway, through four sitting rooms, across a kitchen, past nine bedrooms, and finally out of the apartment. He led the youngsters past the two pairs of elevator doors to the top of the staircase, and sat on the banister with a wide grin. "I'll go first," he said, "so you'll see how it's done. Be careful on the curvy parts, and if you're going too fast you can slow yourself down by scraping your shoes along the wall. Don't be scared!" Jerome gave himself a push, and in a second he had slid out of view, his laughter echoing off the stairwell as he raced down toward the lobby. The children looked down the stairway and felt their hearts sink with fear. It was not the fear of sliding down the banister. The Baudelaires had slid down plenty of banisters, and although they had never slid down one that was either fortyeight or eighty-four stories high, they were not scared to try, particularly now that regular light was in so they could see where they were going. But they were afraid nonetheless. They were afraid that Gunther had a clever and nasty scheme to get his hands on the Baudelaire fortune, and that they didn't have the faintest idea of what it was. They were afraid that something dreadful had happened to the Quagmire triplets, because Gunther seemed to have time to find the Baudelaires here in their new home. And they were afraid that the Squalors would not be of any assistance in keeping the three children safe from Gunther's crooked clutches. Jerome's laughter grew fainter and fainter as he slid farther and farther away, and as they stood together without a word and looked down the stairway, which curved and curved and curved as far as their eyes could see, the Baudelaire orphans were afraid that it was all downhill from here.