A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Ersatz Elevator (5 page)

Chapter Five

Cafe Salmonella was located in the Fish District, which was a part of the city that looked, sounded, smelled, and--if you were to kneel down and lick its streets--probably tasted like fish. The Fish District smelled like fish because it was located near the docks of the city, where fishermen sold the fish they had caught each morning. It sounded like fish because the pavement was always wet from the sea breeze, and the feet of passersby made bubbly, splashy sounds that resembled the noises made by sea creatures. And it looked like fish because all of the buildings in the Fish District were made of shiny, silvery scales, instead of bricks or wooden planks. When the Baudelaire orphans arrived at the Fish District and followed Jerome to Cafe Salmonella, they had to look up at the evening sky to remind themselves that they were not underwater. Cafe Salmonella was not just a restaurant, but a theme restaurant, which simply means a restaurant with food and decorations that follow a certain idea. The theme for Cafe Salmonella-and you can probably guess this from its name-- was salmon. There were pictures of salmon on the walls, and drawings of salmon on the menu, and the waiters and waitresses were dressed up in salmon costumes, which made it difficult for them to carry plates and trays. The tables were decorated with vases full of salmon, instead of flowers, and of course all of the food that Cafe Salmonella served had something to do with salmon. There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, and liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal. And so it was that evening with the Baudelaire orphans. Their costumed waiter first brought bowls of creamy salmon soup to the table, and then some chilled salmon salad and then some broiled salmon served with salmon ravioli in a salmon butter sauce for a main course, and by the time the waiter brought over salmon pie with a scoop of salmon ice cream on top the children never wanted to have another bite of salmon again. But even if the meal had featured a variety of foods, all cooked deliciously and brought by a waiter dressed in a simple, comfortable outfit, the Baudelaires would not have enjoyed their dinner, because the thought of Gunther spending the evening alone with their guardian made them lose their appetite far more than too much pink, flavorful fish, and Jerome was simply not willing to discuss the matter any further. "I am simply not willing to discuss the matter any further," Jerome said, taking a sip from his water glass, which had chunks of frozen salmon floating in it instead of ice cubes. "And frankly, Baudelaires, I think you should be a little ashamed of your suspicions. Do you know what the word 'xenophobe' means?" Violet and Sunny shook their heads, and looked over at their brother, who was trying to remember if he had come across the word in one of his books. "When a word ends in '-phobe,'" Klaus said, wiping his mouth with a salmon-shaped napkin, "it usually means somebody who is afraid of something. Does 'xeno' mean 'Olaf'?" "No," Jerome said. "It means 'stranger,' or 'foreigner.' A xenophobe is somebody who is afraid of people just because they come from a different country, which is a silly reason for fear. I would have thought that you three would be far too sensible to be xenophobes. After all, Violet, Galileo came from a country in Europe, and he invented the telescope. Would you be afraid of him?" "No," Violet said. "I'd be honored to meet him. But--" "And Klaus," Jerome continued, "surely you've heard of the writer Junichiro Tanizaki, who came from a country in Asia. Would you be afraid of him?" "Of course not," Klaus said. "But--" "And Sunny," Jerome continued. "The sharp-toothed mountain lion can be found in a number of countries in North America. Would you be afraid if you met a mountain lion?" "Netesh," Sunny said, which meant something like "Of course I would! Mountain lions are wild animals," but Jerome continued talking as if he hadn't heard a word she said. "I don't mean to scold you," he said. "I know you've had a very difficult time since your parents' death, and Esme and I want to do all we can to provide a good, safe home for you. I don't think Count Olaf would dare come to our fancy neighborhood, but in case he does, the doorman will spot him and alert the authorities immediately." "But the doorman didn't spot him," Violet insisted. "He was in disguise." "And Olaf would dare to go anywhere to find us," Klaus added. "It doesn't matter how fancy the neighborhood is." Jerome looked uncomfortably at the children. "Please don't argue with me," he said. "I can't stand arguing." "But sometimes it's useful and necessary to argue," Violet said. "I can't think of a single argument that would be useful or necessary," Jerome said. "For instance, Esme made reservations for us here at Cafe Salmonella, and I can't stand the taste of salmon. I could have argued with her about that, of course, but why would it be useful?" "Well, you could have had a dinner that you enjoyed," Klaus said. Jerome shook his head. "Someday, when you're older, you'll understand," he said. "In the meantime, do you remember which salmon is our waiter? It's close to your bedtime, and I'd like to pay the bill and take you home." The Baudelaire orphans looked at one another in frustration and sadness. They were frustrated from trying to convince Jerome of Gunther's true identity, and they were sad because they knew it was no use to keep on trying. They scarcely said another word as Jerome ushered them out of Cafe Salmonella and into a taxicab that drove them out of the Fish District to 667 Dark Avenue. On the way, the taxicab passed the beach where the Baudelaires had first heard the terrible news about the fire, a time that seemed in the very, very distant past, even though it had not been all that long ago, and as the children stared out the window at the ocean waves rippling along the dark, dark beach, they missed their parents more than ever. If the Baudelaire parents had been alive, they would have listened to their children. They would have believed them when they told them who Gunther really was. But what made the Baudelaires saddest of all was the fact that if the Baudelaire parents had been alive, the three siblings would not even know who Count Olaf was, let alone be the objects of his treacherous and greedy plans. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny sat in the taxi and stared mournfully out the window, and they wished with all their might that they could return to the time when their lives were happy and carefree. "You're back already?" the doorman asked, as he opened the door of the taxi with a hand still hidden in the sleeve of his coat. "Mrs. Squalor said that you were not supposed to return until your guest left the penthouse, and he hasn't come down yet." Jerome looked at his watch and frowned. "It's quite late," he said. "The children should be in bed soon. I'm sure if we're very quiet, we won't disturb them." "I had very strict instructions," the doorman said. "Nobody is supposed to enter the penthouse apartment until the guest leaves the building, which he definitely has not done." "I don't want to argue with you," Jerome said. "But perhaps he's on his way down now. It takes a long time to get down all those stairs, unless you're sliding down the banister. So it might be O.K. for us to go up." "I never thought of that," the doorman said, scratching his chin with his sleeve. "All right, I guess you can go up. Maybe you'll run into him on the stairs." The Baudelaire children looked at one another. They weren't sure which made them more nervous--the idea that Gunther had spent so much time in the Squalor penthouse, or the idea that they might meet him as he came down the stairs. "Maybe we should wait for Gunther to leave," Violet said. "We don't want the doorman to get in trouble." "No, no," Jerome decided. "We'd best start the climb or we'll be too tired to reach the top. Sunny, be sure to let me know when you want me to carry you." They walked into the lobby of the building and were surprised to see that it had been completely redecorated while they were at dinner. All the walls were painted blue, and the floor was covered in sand, with a few seashells scattered in the corners. "Ocean decorating is in," the doorman explained. "I just got the phone call today. By tomorrow, the lobby will be filled with underwater scenery." "I wish we'd known about this earlier," Jerome said. "We would have brought something back from the Fish District." "Oh, I wish you had," the doorman said. "Everybody wants ocean decorations now, and they're getting hard to find." "There are sure to be some ocean decorations for sale at the In Auction," Jerome said, as he and the Baudelaires reached the beginning of the stairway. "Maybe you should stop by and purchase something for the lobby." "Maybe I will," the doorman said, smiling oddly at the children. "Maybe I will. Have a good evening, folks." The Baudelaires said good night to the doorman, and began the long climb up the stairs. Up and up and up they climbed, and they passed a number of people who were on their way down, but although all of them were in pinstripe suits, none of them were Gunther. As the children climbed higher and higher, the people going down the stairs looked more and more tired, and each time the Baudelaires passed an apartment door, they heard the sounds of people getting ready for bed. On the seventeenth floor, they heard somebody ask their mother where the bubble bath was. On the thirty-eighth floor, they heard the sounds of somebody brushing their teeth. And on a floor very high up--the children had lost count again, but it must have been quite high, because Jerome was carrying Sunny--they heard someone with a deep, deep voice, reading a children's story out loud. All these sounds made them sleepier and sleepier, and by the time they reached the top floor the Baudelaire orphans were so tired it felt as if they were sleepwalking, or, in Sunny's case, being sleep-carried. They were so tired that they almost dozed off, leaning against the two sets of sliding elevator doors, as Jerome unlocked the front door. And they were so tired that it seemed as if Gunther's appearance had been a dream, because when they asked about him, Esme replied that he had left a long time ago. "Gunther left?" Violet asked. "But the doorman said that he was still here." "Oh, no," Esme said. "He dropped off a catalog of all the items for the In Auction. It's in the library if you want to look at it. We went over some auctioneering details, and then he went home." "But that can't be," Jerome said. "Of course it can be," Esme replied. "He walked right out the front door." The Baudelaires looked at one another in confusion and suspicion. How had Gunther managed to leave the penthouse without being spotted? "Did he take an elevator when he left?" Klaus said. Esme's eyes widened, and she opened and shut her mouth several times without saying anything, as if she were experiencing the element of surprise. "No," she said finally. "The elevator's been shut down. You know that." "But the doorman said he was still here," Violet said again. "And we didn't see him when we walked up the stairs." "Well, then the doorman was wrong," Esme said. "But let's not have any more of this somniferous conversation. Jerome, put them right to bed." The Baudelaires looked at one another. They didn't think the conversation was at all somniferous, a fancy word for something that is so boring it puts you to sleep. Despite their exhausting climb, the children did not feel the least bit tired when they were talking about Gunther's whereabouts. The idea that he had managed to disappear as mysteriously as he had appeared made them too anxious to be sleepy. But the three siblings knew that they would not be able to convince the Squalors to discuss it any further, any more than they had been able to convince them that Gunther was Count Olaf instead of an in auctioneer, so they said good night to Esme and followed Jerome across three ballrooms, past a breakfast room, through two sitting rooms, and eventually to their own bedrooms. "Good night, children," Jerome said, and smiled. "The three of you will probably sleep like logs, after all that climbing. I don't mean that you resemble parts of trees, of course. I just mean that once you get into bed, I bet you'll fall right asleep and won't move any more than a log does." "We know what you meant, Jerome," Klaus replied, "and I hope you're right. Good night." Jerome smiled at the children, and the children smiled back, and then looked at each other once more before walking into their bedrooms and shutting the doors behind them. The children knew that they would not sleep like logs, unless there were certain logs that tossed and turned all night wondering things. The siblings wondered where Gunther was hiding, and how he had managed to find them, and what terrible treachery he was dreaming up. They wondered where the Quagmire triplets were, since Gunther had time to prey on the Baudelaires. And they wondered what V.F.D. could mean, and if it would help them with Gunther if they knew. The Baudelaires tossed and turned, and wondered about all these things, and as it grew later and later they felt less and less like logs and more and more like children in a sinister and mysterious plot, spending one of the least somniferous nights of their young lives.

Chapter Six

Morning is one of the best times for thinking. When one has just woken up, but hasn't yet gotten out of bed, it is a perfect time to look up at the ceiling, consider one's life, and wonder what the future will hold. The morning I am writing this chapter, I am wondering if the future will hold something that will enable me to saw through these handcuffs and crawl out of the doublelocked window, but in the case of the Baudelaire orphans, when the morning sun shone through the eight hundred and forty-nine windows in the Squalor penthouse, they were wondering if the future would hold knowledge of the trouble they felt closing in around them. Violet watched the first few rays of sunlight brighten her sturdy, tool-free workbench, and tried to imagine what sort of evil plan Gunther had cooked up. Klaus watched the dawn's rays make shifting shapes on the wall that separated his room from the Squalor library, and racked his brain for a way Gunther could have vanished into thin air. And Sunny watched the emerging sun illuminate all of the unbiteable baby toys, and tried to figure out if they had time to discuss the matter together before the Squalors came to wake them up. This last thing was fairly easy to figure out. The littlest Baudelaire crawled out her bedroom door, fetched her brother, and opened Violet's door to find her out of bed and sitting at her wooden workbench with her hair tied up in a ribbon to keep it out of her eyes. "Tageb," Sunny said. "Good morning," Violet replied. "I thought it might help me think if I tied my hair up, and sat at my workbench, as if I were inventing something. But I haven't figured out a thing." "It's terrible enough that Olaf has shown up again," Klaus said, "and that we have to call him Gunther. But we don't have the faintest clue what he's planning." "Well, he wants to get his hands on our fortune, that's for sure," Violet said. "Klofy," Sunny said, which meant "Of course. But how?" "Maybe it has something to do with the In Auction," Klaus guessed. "Why would he disguise himself as an auctioneer if it weren't part of his plan?" Sunny yawned, and Violet reached down and lifted up her sister so she could sit on her lap. "Do you think he's going to try to auction us off?" Violet asked, as Sunny leaned forward to nibble on the workbench in thought. "He could get one of those terrible assistants of his to bid higher and higher for us until he won, and then we'd be in his clutches, just like the poor Quagmires." "But Esme said it's against the law to auction off children," Klaus pointed out. Sunny stopped chewing on the workbench and looked at her siblings. "Nolano?" she asked, which meant something like "Do you think the Squalors are working together with Gunther?" "I don't think so," Violet said. "They've been very kind to us--well, Jerome has, at least--and anyway, they don't need the Baudelaire fortune. They have so much money already." "But not much common sense," Klaus said unhappily. "Gunther fooled them completely, and all it took were some black boots, a pinstripe suit, and a monocle." "Plus, he fooled them into thinking that he had left," Violet said, "but the doorman was certain that he hadn't." "Gunther's got me fooled, too," Klaus said. "How could he have left without the doorman noticing?" "I don't know," Violet said miserably. "The whole thing is like a jigsaw puzzle, but there are too many missing pieces to solve it." "Did I hear someone say 'jigsaw puzzles'?" Jerome asked. "If you're looking for some jigsaw puzzles, I think there are a few in the cabinet in one of the sitting rooms, or maybe in one of the living rooms, I can't remember which." The Baudelaires looked up and saw their guardian standing in the doorway of Violet's bedroom with a smile on his face and a silver tray in his hands. "Good morning, Jerome," Klaus said. "And thank you, but we're not looking for a jigsaw puzzle. Violet was just using an expression. We're trying to figure something out." "Well, you'll never figure anything out on an empty stomach," Jerome replied. "I have some breakfast here for you: three poached eggs and some nice whole wheat toast." "Thank you," Violet said. "It's very nice of you to fix us breakfast." "You're very welcome," Jerome replied. "Esme has an important meeting with the King of Arizona today, so we have the whole day to ourselves. I thought we could walk across town to the Clothing District, and take your pinstripe suits to a good tailor. There's no use having those suits if they don't fit you properly." "Knilliu!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "That's very considerate of you." "I don't know what 'Knilliu!' means," Esme said, walking into the bedroom, "and I don't care, but neither will you when you hear the fantastic news I just received on the phone! Aqueous martinis are out, and parsley soda is in!" "Parsley soda?" Jerome said, frowning. "That sounds terrible. I think I'll stick to aqueous martinis." "You're not listening," Esme said. "Parsley soda is in now. You'll have to go out right now and buy a few crates of it." "But I was going to take the children's suits to the tailor today," Jerome said. "Then you'll have to change your plans," Esme said impatiently. "The children already have clothing, but we don't have any parsley soda." "Well, I don't want to argue," Jerome said. "Then don't argue," Esme replied. "And don't take the children with you, either. The Beverage District is no place for young people. Well, we'd better go, Jerome. I don't want to be late for His Arizona Highness." "But don't you want to spend some time with the Baudelaires before the work day begins?" Jerome asked. "Not particularly," Esme said, and looked briefly at her watch. "I'll just say good morning to them. Good morning. Well, let's go, Jerome." Jerome opened his mouth as if he had something else to say, but Esme was already marching out of the bedroom, so he just shrugged. "Have a good day," he said to the children. "There's food in all of our kitchens, so you can make yourselves lunch. I'm sorry that our plans didn't work out after all." "Hurry up!" Esme called, from down the hallway, and Jerome ran out of the room. The children heard their guardians' footsteps grow fainter and fainter as they made their way to the front door. "Well," Klaus said, when they couldn't hear them anymore, "what shall we do today?" "Vinfrey," Sunny said. "Sunny's right," Violet said. "We'd better spend the day figuring out what Gunther's up to." "How can we know what he's up to," Klaus said, "when we don't even know where he is?" "Well, we'd better find out," Violet said. "He already had the unfair advantage of the element of surprise, and we don't want him to have the unfair advantage of a good hiding place." "This penthouse has lots of good hiding places," Klaus said. "There are so many rooms." "Koundix," Sunny said, which meant something like "But he can't be in the penthouse. Esme saw him leave." "Well, maybe he sneaked back in," Violet said, "and is lurking around right now." The Baudelaires looked at one another, and then at Violet's doorway, half expecting to see Gunther standing there looking at them with his shiny, shiny eyes. "If he was lurking around here," Klaus said, "wouldn't he have grabbed us the instant the Squalors went out?" "Maybe," Violet said. "If that was his plan." The Baudelaires looked at the empty doorway again. "I'm scared," Klaus said. "Ecrif!" Sunny agreed. "I'm scared, too," Violet admitted, "but if he's here in the penthouse, we'd better find out. We'll have to search the entire place and see if we find him." "I don't want to find him," Klaus said. "Let's run downstairs and call Mr. Poe instead." "Mr. Poe is in a helicopter, looking for the Quagmire triplets," Violet said. "By the time he returns it may be too late. We have to figure out what Gunther is up to--not only for our sake, but for the sake of Isadora and Duncan." At the mention of the Quagmire triplets, all three Baudelaires felt a stiffening of their resolve, a phrase which here means "realized that they had to search the penthouse for Gunther, even though it was a scary thing to do." The children remembered how hard Duncan and Isadora had worked to save them from Olaf's clutches back at Prufrock Preparatory School, doing absolutely everything they could to help the Baudelaires escape Olaf's evil plan. The Quagmires had sneaked out in the middle of the night and put themselves in grave danger. The Quagmires had put on disguises, risking their lives in order to try to fool Olaf. And the Quagmires had done a lot of researching, finding out the secret of V.F.D.--although they had been snatched away before they could reveal the secret to the Baudelaires. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny thought about the two brave and loyal triplets, and knew they had to be just as brave and loyal, now that they had an opportunity to save their friends. "You're right," Klaus said to Violet, and Sunny nodded in agreement. "We have to search the penthouse. But it's such a complicated place. I get lost just trying to find the bathroom at night. How can we search without getting lost?" "Hansel!" Sunny said. The two older Baudelaires looked at one another. It was rare that Sunny said something that her siblings couldn't understand, but this seemed to be one of those times. "Do you mean we should draw a map?" Violet asked. Sunny shook her head. "Gretel!" she said. "That's two times we don't understand you," Klaus said. "Hansel and Gretel? What does that mean?" "Oh!" Violet cried suddenly. "Hansel and Gretel means Hansel and Gretel--you know, those two dim-witted children in that fairy tale." "Of course," Klaus said. "That brother and sister who insist on wandering around the woods by themselves." "Leaving a trail of bread crumbs," Violet said, picking up a piece of toast from the breakfast tray Jerome had brought them, "so they don't get lost. We'll crumble up this toast and leave a few crumbs in every room so we know we've already searched it. Good thinking, Sunny." "Blized," Sunny said modestly, which meant something like "It's nothing," and I'm sorry to say she turned out to be right. For as the children wandered from bedroom to living room to dining room to breakfast room to snack room to sitting room to standing room to ballroom to bathroom to kitchen to those rooms that seemed to have no purpose at all, and back again, leaving trails of toast crumbs wherever they went, Gunther was nowhere to be found. They looked in the closets of each bedroom, and the cabinets in each kitchen, and even pulled back the shower curtains in each bathroom to see if Gunther was hiding behind them. They saw racks of clothes in the closets, cans of food in the cabinets, and bottles of cream rinse in the shower, but the children had to admit, as the morning ended and the Baudelaires' own trail of crumbs led them back to Violet's room, that they had found nothing. "Where in the world can Gunther be hiding?" Klaus asked. "We've looked everywhere." "Maybe he was moving around," Violet said. "He could have been in a room behind us all the time, jumping into the hiding places we already checked." "I don't think so," Klaus said. "We surely would have heard him if he was clomping around in those silly boots. I don't think he's been in this penthouse since last night. Esme insists that he left the apartment, but the doorman insists that he didn't. It doesn't add up." "I've been thinking that over," Violet said. "I think it might add up. Esme insists that he left the penthouse. The doorman insists that he didn't leave the building. That means he could be in any of the other apartments at 667 Dark Avenue." "You're right," Klaus said. "Maybe he rented one of the apartments on another floor, as a headquarters for his latest scheme." "Or maybe one of the apartments belongs to someone in his theater troupe," Violet said, and counted those terrible people on her fingers "There's the hook-handed man, or the bald man with the long nose, or that one who looks like neither a man nor a woman." "Or maybe those two dreadful powder-faced women--the ones who helped kidnap the Quagmires--are roommates," Klaus said. "Co," Sunny said, which meant something like "Or maybe Gunther managed to trick one of the other residents of 667 Dark Avenue into letting him into their apartment, and then he tied them up and is sitting there hiding in the kitchen." "If we find Gunther in the building," Violet said, "then at least the Squalors will know that he is a liar. Even if they don't believe he's really Count Olaf, they'll be very suspicious if he's caught hiding in another apartment." "But how are we going to find out?" Klaus asked. "We can't simply knock on doors and ask to see each apartment." "We don't have to see each apartment," Violet said. "We can listen to them." Klaus and Sunny looked at their sister in confusion for a moment, and then began to grin. "You're right!" Klaus said. "If we walk down the stairs, listening at every door, we may be able to tell if Gunther is inside." "Lorigo!" Sunny shrieked, which meant "What are we waiting for? Let's go!" "Not so fast," Klaus said. "It's a long trip down all those stairs, and we've already done a lot of walking--and crawling, in your case, Sunny. We'd better change into our sturdiest shoes, and bring along some extra pairs of socks. That way we can avoid blisters." "And we should bring some water," Violet said, "so we won't get thirsty." "Snack!" Sunny shrieked, and the Baudelaire orphans went to work, changing out of their pajamas and into appropriate stair-climbing outfits, putting on their sturdiest shoes, and tucking pairs of extra socks into their pockets. After Violet and Klaus made sure that Sunny had tied her shoes correctly, the children left their bedrooms and followed their crumbs down the hallway, through a living room, past two bedrooms, down another hallway, and into the nearest kitchen, sticking together the whole time so they wouldn't lose one another in the enormous penthouse. In the kitchen they found some grapes, a box of crackers, and a jar of apple butter, as well as a bottle of water that the Squalors used for making aqueous martinis but that the Baudelaires would use to quench their thirst during their long climb. Finally, they left the penthouse apartment, walked past the sliding elevator doors, and stood at the top of the curving stairway, feeling more like they were about to go mountain climbing than downstairs. "We'll have to tiptoe," Violet said, "so that we can hear Gunther, but he can't hear us." "And we should probably whisper," Klaus whispered, "so that we can eavesdrop, without people eavesdropping on us." "Philavem," Sunny said, which meant "Let's get started," and the Baudelaires got started, tiptoeing down the first curve of the stairway and listening at the door of the apartment directly below the penthouse. For a few seconds, they heard nothing, but then, very clearly, they heard a woman talking on the phone. "Well,