A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Ersatz Elevator (11 page)

Chapter Twelve

Several years before the Baudelaires were born, Veblen Hall won the prestigious Door Prize, an award given each year to the city's best-constructed opening, and if you ever find yourself standing in front of Veblen Hall, as the Baudelaire orphans did that morning, you will immediately see why the committee awarded the shiny pink trophy to the door's polished wooden planks, its exquisite brass hinges and its gorgeous, shiny doorknob, fashioned out of the world's second-finest crystal. But the three siblings were in no state to appreciate architectural detail. Violet led the way up the stairs to Veblen Hall and grabbed the doorknob without a thought to the ashy smear she would leave on its polished surface. If I had been with the Baudelaires, I never would have opened the award-winning door. I would have considered myself lucky to have gotten out of the net suspended in the middle of the elevator shaft, and to have escaped Gunther's evil plan, and I would have fled to some remote corner of the world and hid from Gunther and his associates for the rest of my life rather than risk another encounter with this treacherous villain--an encounter, I'm sorry to say, that will only bring more misery into the three orphans' lives. But these three children were far more courageous than I shall ever be, and they paused just for a moment to gather all of this courage up and use it. "Beyond this doorknob," Violet said, "is our last chance at revealing Gunther's true identity and his terrible plans." "Just past those brass hinges," Klaus said, "is our final opportunity to save the Quagmires from being smuggled out of the country." "Sorusu," Sunny said, which meant "Behind those wooden planks lies the answer to the mystery of V.F.D., and why the secret hallway led us to the place where the Baudelaire mansion burned to the ground, killing our parents, and beginning the series of unfortunate events that haunt us wherever we go." The Baudelaires looked at one another and stood up as straight as they could, as if their backbones were as strong as their courage, and Violet opened the door of Veblen Hall; and instantly the orphans found themselves in the middle of a hubbub, a word which here means "a huge crowd of people in an enormous, fancy room." Veblen Hall had a very high ceiling, a very shiny floor, and one massive window that had won first runner-up for the Window Prize the previous year. Hanging from the ceiling were three huge banners, one with the word "In" written on it, one with the word "Auction" written on it, and one last one, twice as big as the others, with a huge portrait of Gunther. Standing on the floor were at least two hundred people, and the Baudelaires could tell that it was a very in crowd. Almost everyone was wearing pinstripe suits, sipping tall frosty glasses of parsley soda, and eating salmon puffs offered by some costumed waiters from Cafe Salmonella, which had apparently been hired to cater the auction. The Baudelaires were in regular clothes rather than pinstripes, and they were covered in dirt from the tiny, filthy room at the bottom of the elevator shaft, and in ashes from the Baudelaire lot where the hallway had led them. The in crowd would have frowned upon such attire had they noticed the children, but everyone was too busy gazing at the far end of the room to turn around and see who had walked through the award-winning door. For at the far end of Veblen Hall, underneath the biggest banner and in front of the massive window, Gunther was standing up on a small stage and speaking into a microphone. On one side of him was a small glass vase with blue flowers painted on it, and on the other was Esme, who was sitting in a fancy chair and gazing at Gunther as if he were the cat's pajamas, a phrase which here means "a charming and handsome gentleman instead of a cruel and dishonest villain." "Lot #46, please," Gunther was saying into the microphone. With all of their exploration of dark passageways, the Baudelaires had almost forgotten that Gunther was pretending that he wasn't fluent in English. "Please, gentlemen and ladies, see the vase with blue flowers. Vases in. Glass in. Flowers in, please, especially the flowers that are blue. Who bid?" "One hundred," called out a voice from the crowd. "One hundred fifty," another voice said. "Two hundred," another said. "Two hundred fifty," returned the person who had bid first. "Two hundred fifty-three," another said. "We're just in time," Klaus whispered to Violet. "V.F.D, is Lot #50. Do we wait to speak up until then, or do we confront Gunther right now?" "I don't know," Violet whispered back. "We were so focused on getting to Veblen Hall in time that we forgot to think up a plan of action." "Is two hundred fifty-three last bidding of people, please?" Gunther asked, into the microphone. "O.K. Here is vase, please. Give money, please, to Mrs. Squalor." A pinstriped woman walked to the edge of the stage and handed a stack of bills to Esme, who smiled greedily and handed her the vase in exchange. Watching Esme count the pile of bills and then calmly place them in her pinstripe purse, while somewhere backstage the Quagmires were trapped inside whatever V.F.D. was, made the Baudelaires feel sick to their stomachs. "Evomer," Sunny said, which meant "I can't stand it any longer. Let's tell everyone in this room what is really going on." "Excuse me," said somebody, and the three children looked up to see a stern-looking man peering down at them from behind some very large sunglasses. He was holding a salmon puff in one hand and pointing at the Baudelaires with the other. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave Veblen Hall at once," he said. "This is the In Auction. It's no place for grimy little children like yourselves." "But we're supposed to be here," Violet said, thinking quickly. "We're meeting our guardians." "Don't make me laugh," the man said, although it looked like he had never laughed in his life. "What sort of people would be caring for such dirty little kids?" "Jerome and Esme Squalor," Klaus said. "We've been living in their penthouse." "We'll see about this," the man said. "Jerry, get over here!" At the sound of the man's raised voice, a few people turned around and looked at the children, but almost everyone kept listening to Gunther as he began to auction off Lot #47, which he explained was a pair of ballet slippers, please, made of chocolate. Jerome detached himself from a small circle of people and walked over to the stern man to see what the matter was. When he caught sight of the orphans, he looked as if you could have knocked him over with a feather, a phrase which here means he seemed happy but extremely surprised to see them. "I'm very happy to see you," he said, "but extremely surprised. Esme told me you weren't feeling very well." "So you know these children, Jerome?" the man in sunglasses said. "Of course I know them," Jerome replied. "They're the Baudelaires. I was just telling you about them." "Oh yes," the man said, losing interest. "Well, if they're orphans, then I guess it's O.K. for them to be here. But Jerry, you've got to buy them some new clothes!" The man walked away before Jerome could reply. "I don't like to be called Jerry," he admitted to the children, "but I don't like to argue with him, either. Well, Baudelaires, are you feeling better?" The children stood for a moment and looked up at their guardian. They noticed that he had a half-eaten salmon puff in his hand, even though he had told the siblings that he didn't like salmon. Jerome had probably not wanted to argue with the waiters in the salmon costumes, either. The Baudelaires looked at him, and then looked at one another. They did not feel better at all. They knew that Jerome would not want to argue with them if they told him once more about Gunther's true identity. He would not want to argue with Esme if they told him about her part in the treacherous scheme. And he would not want to argue with Gunther if they told him that the Quagmires were trapped inside one of the items at the In Auction. The Baudelaires did not feel better at all as they realized that the only person who could help them was someone who could be knocked over with a feather. "Menrov?" Sunny said. "Menrov?" Jerome repeated, smiling down at the littlest Baudelaire. "What does 'Menrov?' mean?" "I'll tell you what it means," Klaus said, thinking quickly. Perhaps there was a way to have Jerome help them, without making him argue with anyone. "It means 'Would you do us a favor, Jerome?'" Violet and Sunny looked at their brother curiously. "Menrov?" didn't mean "Would you do us a favor, Jerome?" and Klaus most certainly knew it. "Menrov?" meant something more like "Should we try to tell Jerome about Gunther and Esme and the Quagmire triplets?" but the sisters kept quiet, knowing that Klaus must have a good reason to lie to his guardian. "Of course I'll do you a favor," Jerome said. "What is it?" "My sisters and I would really like to own one of the lots at this auction," Klaus said. "We were wondering if you might buy it for us, as a gift." "I suppose so," Jerome said. "I didn't know you three were interested in in items." "Oh, yes," Violet said, understanding at once what Klaus was up to. "We're very anxious to own Lot #50--V.F.D." "V.F.D.?" Jerome asked. "What does that stand for?" "It's a surprise," Klaus said quickly. "Would you bid for it?" "If it's very important to you," Jerome said, "I suppose I will, but I don't want you to get spoiled. You certainly arrived in time. It looks like Gunther is just finishing the bidding on those ballet shoes, so we're coming right up to Lot #50. Let's go watch the auction from where I was standing. There's an excellent view of the stage, and there's a friend of yours standing with me." "A friend of ours?" Violet asked. "You'll see," Jerome said, and they did see. When they followed Jerome across the enormous room to watch the auction underneath the "In" banner, they found Mr. Poe, holding a glass of parsley soda and coughing into his white handkerchief. "You could knock me over with a feather," Mr. Poe said, when he was done coughing. "What are you Baudelaires doing here?" "What are you doing here?" Klaus asked. "You told us you would be on a helicopter ride to a mountain peak." Mr. Poe paused to cough into his white handkerchief again. "The reports about the mountain peak turned out to be false," Mr. Poe said, when the coughing fit had passed. "I now know for certain that the Quagmire twins are being forced to work at a glue factory nearby. I'm heading over there later, but I wanted to stop by the In Auction. Now that I'm Vice President in Charge of Orphan Affairs, I'm making more money, and my wife wanted to see if I could buy a bit of ocean decoration." "But--" Violet started to say, but Mr. Poe shushed her. "Shush," he said. "Gunther is beginning Lot #48, and that's what I want to bid on." "Please, Lot #48," Gunther announced. His shiny eyes regarded the crowd from behind his monocle, but he did not appear to spot the Baudelaires. "Is large statue of fish, painted red, please. Very big, very in. Big enough to sleep inside this fish, if you are in the mood, please. Who bid?" "I bid, Gunther," Mr. Poe called out. "One hundred." "Two hundred," called out another voice from the crowd. Klaus leaned in close to Mr. Poe to talk to him without Jerome hearing. "Mr. Poe, there's something you should know about Gunther," he said, thinking that if he could convince Mr. Poe, then the Baudelaires wouldn't have to continue their charade, a word which here means "pretending to want V.F.D. so Jerome would bid on it and save the Quagmires without knowing it." "He's really--" "An in auctioneer, I know," Mr. Poe finished for him, and bid again. "Two hundred six." "Three hundred," replied the other voice. "No, no," Violet said. "He's not really an auctioneer at all. He's Count Olaf in disguise." "Three hundred twelve," Mr. Poe called out, and then frowned down at the children. "Don't be ridiculous," he said to them. "Count Olaf is a criminal. Gunther is just a foreigner. I can't remember the word for a fear of foreigners, but I am surprised that you children have such a fear." "Four hundred," called out the other voice. "The word is 'xenophobia,'" Klaus said, "but it doesn't apply here, because Gunther's not really a foreigner. He's not even really Gunther!" Mr. Poe took out his handkerchief again, and the Baudelaires waited as he coughed into it before replying. "You're not making any sense," he said finally. "Can we please discuss this after I buy this ocean decoration? I bid four hundred nine!" "Five hundred," called out the other voice. "I give up," Mr. Poe said, and coughed into his handkerchief. "Five hundred is too much to pay for a big herring statue." "Five hundred is highest bid, please," Gunther said, and smiled at someone in the crowd. "Please will the winner give money to Mrs. Squalor, please." "Why, look, children," Jerome said. "The doorman bought that big red fish." "The doorman?" Mr. Poe said, as the doorman handed Esme a sack of coins and, with difficulty, lifted the enormous red fish statue off the stage, his hands still hidden in his long, long sleeves. "I'm surprised that a doorman can afford to buy anything at the In Auction." "He told me once he was an actor, too," Jerome said. "He's an interesting fellow. Care to meet him?" "That's very nice of you," Mr. Poe said, and coughed into his handkerchief. "I'm certainly meeting all sorts of interesting people since my promotion." The doorman was struggling past the children with his scarlet herring when Jerome tapped him on the shoulder. "Come meet Mr. Poe," he said. "I don't have time to meet anyone," the doorman replied. "I have to get this in the boss's truck and--" The doorman stopped midsentence when he caught sight of the Baudelaire children. "You're not supposed to be here!" he said. "You're not supposed to have left the penthouse." "Oh, but they're feeling better now," Jerome said, but the doorman wasn't listening. He had turned around--swatting several pinstripe members of the crowd with his fish statue as he did so-and was calling up to the people on the stage. "Hey, boss!" he said, and both Esme and Gunther turned to look as he pointed at the three Baudelaires. "The orphans are here!" Esme gasped, and she was so affected by the element of surprise that she almost dropped her sack of coins, but Gunther merely turned his head and looked directly at the children. His eyes shone very, very brightly, even the one behind his monocle, and the Baudelaires were horrified to recognize his expression. Gunther was smiling as if he had just told a joke, and it was an expression he wore when his treacherous mind was working its hardest. "Orphans in," he said, still insisting on pretending that he could not speak English properly. "O.K. for orphans to be here, please." Esme looked curiously at Gunther, but then shrugged,