A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (22 page)

Morbid and relentless,

bone crushing menace,

demons exacting a merciless toll.

Frightfully mindless,

with drooling grimace,

never get trapped before a warring troll.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“I say, get that blasted Oreorc off the Baron! Reginald! Reginald! It’s me, Persephone! Be calm, your army supports you.”

“Oohh...”

“Be quiet, Reginald, don’t try to speak, darling. Don’t move your wing, Reggie; it’s badly broken, dear.”

“Prince Valiance, we have a solid perimeter, but we are completely trapped. We are holding the Oreorcs at bay, but it is only a matter of time before we are overwhelmed by the horde.”

“Persephone...”

“Reggie, darling?”

“I must prepare for battle...”

“Nonsense, my dove. Lie still; we shall protect you.”

“Leatherfitz
?
?
?
”

“He toils in the skies above against seven dragons.”

“T’is not a noble fight.”

“No, my sweet.”

“I must prepare for bat....
aw!
Blast! Blast! Blast! My wretched wing!”

“Reggie, don’t move!”

“I must, darling.”

“But the Oreorcs! They chopped at you mercilessly, my dear.”

“True, they dealt me a thousand cuts, but in the grand scheme of things, they were merely distractions, darling. Let us put aside such mundane and common trivialities, such as the Oreorcan abattoir I suffered, and focus on what’s really important, such as returning to battle.”

“As you wish, darling.”

“Bring me the halflet.”

“Mr. Temperance, the Baron would speak with you.”

“Yessir, here I am, Mr. Baron, sir.”

“Stilt my wing, boy.”

“Hunh? Oh, uh, yessir, let’s see, we have a bunch of discarded Oreorcan pikes. I betcha they’d work just dandy!”

“Mr. Temperance, Miss Evervixen and I will see to the Baron’s wing; you go and see to Mr. Morganstern.”

“Yes, Ma’am!”

“Halflet, have you discovered why the sparking device is malfunctioning?

“Yessir, it’s on account of Mr. Morganstern malfunctioning. He has been knocked loopy. Gee, I sure am glad all these straps and harnesses kept you hidden from them Oreorcs, sir.”

“Burbity.”

“Um, let’s get one of these here elves to take Mr. Morganstern’s place. Just as soon as they are ready, you’ll be all set for flinging flames, Mr. Baron, sir.”

“Splendid, halflet. How are you coming, Persephone?”

“Your wing is straight and splinted, but effectively useless.”

“I shall fold and tuck it into place, You girls tie it in, good and snug.”

“Reggie, darling, do you mean to say that you intend to fight on, in spite of the seriousness of your wounds?”

“But of course, Persephone darling. I always thought that I could defeat this rabble with one wing strapped across my back. This is my opportunity to prove it! Ha, ha!”

“Oh, Reginald, behave, you silly boy.”

“Ha, ha, I find it difficult to behave with you about, my darling... hello? Do you hear that? There is an unmistakable rumble in the Earthhe.”

“Yes, Reginald, I feel it. Yes, and now I hear it. What does it mean?”

“It means we are about to be visited by trolls.”

“Hey, Captain Gallanticus, I pushed back a bunch of trolls with my sonic malfunctioner back in Equidonia. Do y’all still got that bugle of bowel assistance?”

“No, Ichs o’ Bod, it was lost in the Eagle’s Arch Bridge disaster.”

“Ain’t there no way of fighting trolls?”

“With the right equipment, certainly. Unfortunately, we are woefully low on the proper equipment.”

“Look, Nubielle, there they are! Dozens, no, scores of lumbering trolls are eagerly lurching this way. The Oreorcan army is scrambling to get out of their way. The trolls are not above demolishing a few errant Oreorcs as they approach.”

“Here comes Lord von Stratusbourne! He is diving in a strafing run against the incoming trolls!”

“Look out!
Oh!
Oh, my Goodness, Mr. Lord Stratusbourne just took an awful broadside lick that looked like it stove him in.”

“I say, he has had to break off his assault. We are on our own, my friends.”

“Well done, ladies, my wing feels secure. It shall have to suffice for the nonce, eh? I say, we do have an operator in the dynamo generator’s position, do we not? Yes? Good! Watch out, I am swinging about! Let’s see, what do we have here? Ah, yes, what jolly trolls you are. Good afternoon, my cheery lads, and might I add:”

“Fire in the hole!”

~PRRRZZZZZSSSS!!!~

~HWAUERRRHRH!!!~

“Them there rocky monsters done turned to statues under that scorching heat, y’all!”

“Quite so, Mr. Temperance, yet several remain. Stand by to meet those trolls with pikes!””

“Aye, aye!”

“Look out! We have a dragon strafing assault headed for us!”

“Oh! Mr. Temperance! That winged cad assaulted the noble Baron Brimstone in a scurrilous attack! Lord von Stratusbourne is unable to defend us, or his fellow Winged Nobility.”

“Look Miss Plumtartt, Prince Valiance is drawing our attention back to the trolls. Oh my Goodness! There are even more than before! We are surely about to be over-run by these awful trolls.”

“I see, Mr. Temperance. I also see, behind us, two more dragons in the darkening sky. These are heavy beasts, their swollen bellies hanging low.”

“That’s odd, Ma’am, them coming in from the South like that. I didn’t expect no more dragons from down there. I don’t think they have swollen bellies so much as they appear to be carrying something beneath them. Oh, golly, they are lining up, one behind the other. They are swooping in low and slow; lower, and slower. They are getting closer, and closer, and closer, and right over head, and past and now they are falling apart underneath. No, I see, they tried to bombard us with a net full of boulders, but they missed! All those boulders went flying right into those trolls!”

“Eee-
Aye
-rRoark!!!”

“Bowling for Dollars, those aren’t boulders, those are dwarves!”

“Hunh?”

“Here comes another dragon, Mr. Temperance. Great Britannica, what a monster! That dragon is bigger than Lord Stratusbourne! He too is bearing a great load. He disgorges his burden as did his predecessor. It’s more dwarves, Mr. Temperance! They pour upon our enemies’ heads!”

“Elves, and fellow Equidonians, let us press this advantage!
Charge!”

“Oh my Goodness, Miss Plumtartt, Prince Valiance and Captain Gallanticus are leading everyone in a headlong charge against the trollish army. Hey, Captain Gallanticus, I thought you had to have special equipment to fight trolls.”

“Aye, halflet, dwarves. Throw enough dwarves at a troll, and it’ll go down. It will be easier with our assistance, though.”

“I say, good show, these two new dragons fly to assist Lord von Stratusbourne! The first was Lady Josephine, I know it. The second was a rotund fellow. I’d wager your perpetual peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that the second dragon is this ‘Ollie’ fellow.”

“I got a look at him, Ma’am. He had a fearsome fang! Just one, but it overhangs right in the middle.”

“Look Mr. Temperance, the trolls are defeated! With these dwarvish allies, we once more have the Oreorcs on the run and move swiftly across the Northern Plains of Morbidia. Look there, to that central mountain peak. That is surely the Dark One’s Citadel, Mount Edna. That is the target of our operation from which we may wrest the
Shard of Essence
from the Dark One’s grasp!”

“The Oreorcs are fleeing the battle! Low Elves, centaurs and dwarves are moving in a united front. Hey, there’s King Mountainheart! There’s Anguson Strongenfight. Hey, Mr. Anguson, how did you get here?”

“After we located Sir Oliver, Lady Josie suggested that we stop by Duunnejonia for recruitment. Normally, ye’de be hard pressed to get thousands of dwarves to be lifted by nets and carried thousands of miles through the air, but when we explained that we would very likely be dropped into a hopeless battle, no one could resist!”

“Gee whiz, Mr. Strongenfight, are we glad to see y’all!”

“I am happy to see you, my boy. Can you believe it? I am the first inhabitant of Middle o’ Earthhe to circumnavigate our world! I am now a great dwarf! But oh, Icksy, me daft lad, I turn me back for a moment, and the next time I see ye, ye’re wearing an embarrassingly short dress.”

“It ain’t my fault, sir! You see, what happened was...”

“Ach! Stop ye’re blither blather boy, we’ve no time for ye’re tawdrey tales, there’s battling to do!”

“Hello, me wee little Ichs o’ the Bod, did you miss me?”

“
Woah!
Druscilla CleavageAbyss! I didn’t know you were in with these aerial dwarves from above, drop.”

“Oh, but I’ve been dreaming of you all this time, Icksy. I like your dress.”

“Thanks, Ma’am.”

“Aye, it flatters ye’re form, boy. I think ye’re just adorable in it, me wittle Icksy-wicksy.”

“Thanks, Miss CleavageAbyss, Ma’am, I like them ribbons in your beard. I think you’re just absolutely fearsome.”

“
O
O
O
O
O
O
OH,
Icksy! Ye makes me bloosh!”

“Eh hem! Mr. Temperance, please concentrate on the task at hand! Baron Brimstone is raising his head as if to speak with all present.”

“Warriors of Middle o’ Earthhe, we march across the Northern Plains! Let us throw down the Dark One. We go to Mount Edna! Follow me!”

“Golly, Mr. Baron Brimstone ain’t letting that broken wing slow him down a bit! He is stomping his way toward that there mountain fortress of our enemies in no uncertain terms! Our cavalries can barely keep up!”

“Look there, Mr. Temperance, our enemy sends their dark cavalries to meet our forces! It is a veritable ocean of black, mono-horn, Dark Elf ridden cavalry. The Great Northern Plains Battle is engaged!”

“Gee!”

“I am proud to fight alongside such noble creatures as these, Mr. Temperance. The brave elves, noble dwarves, and chivalric centaurs are all truly wondrous races. It is an honour to be counted among their forces.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“By Jove, Mr. Temperance, this entire battle hinges upon our relieving this ‘Dark One’ person of the
Shard of Essence.
My observations inform me that the enemy’s citadel has expelled the last of its force. Let us circumvent this battle to wrest this gem from our foul foes!”

“Yes, Ma’am!”

“Where is our brave and noble battle stag? Here now, come to me, you magnificent beast. You shall bear us to victory, my regal friend.”

“Burbity. Blast it, I wish I had my elephant gun. This animal’s head would be a fine trophy on the wall of my den.”

“Mr. Morganstern, that is hardly appropriate! This courageous and stalwart battle-stag deserves better than such base treatment.”

“Harumph.”

“Here you go, Miss Plumtartt, I’ll give you a boost up.”

“Burbity! Don’t leave me here in all this chaos! Take me with you!”

“Okay, Mr. Morganstern, sir, I’ll give you a boost up, too. There you go, now I’ll just...
woah!
”

“Roight! Ha, ha! Up you go and onto me back, little Icky! I have you, little one! Nice plan, Persephone, I’ll get our little halflet across the plains. Ha, ha! Hold on tight, me boy, here we go!”

“Oh, Tawney Gloryglide has snatched up our Mr. Temperance and races madly through the raging battles! Oh, for Heaven’s sake, don’t just stand there, you dim-witted deer: get after that half-horse hussy!”

“Burbity! Calm yourself, woman! This incensed creature is going to throw me off!”

“Quiet, Morganstern, I am not in the mood. Our battle stag cleverly bounds across the combat-ridden plains. There they are! That furry wench is delivering Mr. Temperance right through the main portal of the mountain citadel. Oh, she thinks she’s so clever, by kicking Oreorcs about as she goes. This is a serious battle, and I find her cavalier good-humour off-putting.”

“Stop your blasted female fuming and stop this crazy beast!”

“We disembark! There are still Oreorcan guards present, so stay close behind me. My elvish sword shall guide us forward. I say, one sees signs of Mr. Temperance having passed this way. Reclining Oreorcs indicate a pick-possessed Ichabod Temperance presence. Oh, here is a living Oreorcan guard, still on duty. Let’s see, parry, parry, slash, parry,
thrust!
Yes, now, where do we go? Ah, perhaps this dim, cave passage will lead to Mr. Temperance? No, blast it, these many passages are bewildering. Follow me up these stairs, Morganstern. Let us try in here...
Oh!
Oh, yes, it is our old friend. How nice to see you again, chum.”