A Heart Renewed (46 page)

Julia crossed her arms, a flood of emotions crossing her face.  Anger.  Pain.  Fear.  Remorse.  Hannah wondered if she might need to forgive someone too.

“Perhaps the time has come for you to forgive Reuben,” she ventured.

Julia bolted upright and began pacing back and forth.  “How could you suggest such a thing?”  She turned wide fear-filled eyes towards Hannah.

“Because, I see the way you look at Adam and the way he looks at you.  You both love each other, yet there is something holding you back.  I don’t know all the details of what happened the day you went riding with him, but I do know what I see now.  I see a beautiful young woman, loved by God and by a wonderful young man.  I see your bitterness and anger building a wall between you, God, and Adam.  Don’t you see, Julia, you need to forgive Reuben.  Not because he deserves it, for he does not, but because you need to let it all go.”

Foot tapping a rapid beat on the floor, Julia glared at her.  “Is there anything else you need?” she asked between clenched teeth as she walked closer to the door.

“Yes, I have a favor to ask,” Hannah said, deciding not to press the issue further.  “I would like you to have Adam ride to town and ask Thomas to come visit me when he can.  I want to hear what he has to say.”

“Anything else?”

Hannah shook her head.

Julia was barely able to keep herself from slamming the bedroom door shut behind her.  Dear sweet Hannah has sharp teeth when she chooses to use them.  How could she possibly suggest she forgive that vile Reuben? 
She knows what he did to me!
  There was no forgiving such monstrous wrongs.  Let him rot in hell.

Torn between taking a brisk walk to calm her nerves and fulfilling Hannah’s request to speak to Adam, Julia chose the former.  She could not deal with talking to Adam while she was so angry.  Stomping forcefully, she headed towards the lake.

Tears began rolling down her cheeks.  Why did Hannah say those things?  Why couldn’t she just let Julia forget?  She spent the last months leaning on God to take away the pain and give her strength to face her trials.  Now, her sister was asking her to forgive her wretched brother.

Not Hannah.  I am asking you to forgive.

But you ask too much!  Lord, you know what Reuben did to me.  How can you ask this of me?

Dropping to her knees on the shore of the lake, she rested her head in her hands.  As much as she tried to run from forgiving Reuben, God seemed intent on hounding her about it.

Her tears rolled from her cheeks making ripples in the water below.  Mesmerized, she watched the water.  One little teardrop’s splash sent the ripples dancing far out into the lake until the depth of the water swallowed them up.  Placing her fingers in the lake, she watched as the next teardrop did not ripple as far when the waves crashed into her hand.

Sitting there for several minutes, Julia pondered the ripples.  Was her bitterness and hatred towards Reuben like those ripples that crashed into her hand?  Was she unable to see beyond the barrier caused by her lack of forgiveness?  Is that why she was running from a possible future with Adam?  What if she did forgive?  Would she be like those far reaching ripples, swallowed up in the embrace of something larger than herself?

Lord, I am not strong enough to forgive such evil.

But, I am child.  I am.

She held her breath. 
Lord, help me forgive.  Help me truly let this go.  I don’t want to carry it any more.
  Sobs shook her body as she freely forgave Reuben.

As her crying subsided, she wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her dress.  She splashed some of the cool lake water on her face, mimicking the renewing taking place in her heart.  She slowly stood and lifted her arms over her head.  Spinning in a circle, she let the last of the bitterness and anger float heavenward.  Breathing deeply of the crisp clean air, she smiled.  She was truly free.

Not wanting to leave the gentle Spirit of God, she walked the rest of the way around the lake, letting His peace settle around her healing heart.

By the time she finished the walk, she was ready to speak to Adam about Hannah’s request.  Cutting across the yard, she walked towards the corral with renewed purpose.  She smiled at Adam when he looked up from the horse he was training.  As she leaned against the rails, he removed the bridle from the young filly and let her skip around the ring.

“You look like a woman on a mission.”

His teasing was refreshing.  Since she came back to the ranch, all of their encounters were tense or awkward.  This was the first glimpse of something normal between them and she cherished it.

“I am on a mission. For Hannah.  She asked me to see if you could ride to town to fetch Thomas Anderson, the young man that works at the La Paz Express.  She wants to hear his whole story.  I think she realizes he may not be in town, so you may need to leave a message for when he returns.”

“Does Will know she wants to speak with Mr. Anderson?”

“She didn’t say and I didn’t ask.”

Adam rubbed his hand across his chin.  “I best go put the filly away if I’m to make it back before dark then.”

As he turned to call the horse to him, she started to speak, “Adam…”

When he glanced back over his shoulder, she changed her mind.  She wanted to smooth things over, but the words would not come.  Instead, she said, “Thank you.”

Adam tried to calm the butterflies in his stomach as he led the filly back into the stables.  When he saw Julia approaching the corral he had not expected her to stop, much less to talk to him.  Things had been strange.  He had been avoiding her as much as she was avoiding him, until she leaned up against the fence.  Although her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, when she smiled they lit up.  Oh, how he missed seeing her really smile.

Then, she asked him to run this errand for Hannah.  A scowl formed on his forehead as he saddled a horse.  Any hopefulness he had vanished at the end of her request.  Worse yet, Hannah was asking him to do something that would most likely upset Will.  He did not really understand who this Thomas Anderson was or why he came here.  Will said nothing about him.  The only thing Adam was able to glean was that he was somehow related to Hannah or her first husband.

Mounting the horse, against his better judgment, Adam rode to town.  Just under an hour later, he dismounted in front of the livery, having been in no particular hurry.

Peeking inside, he was greeted by Craig.  “Adam, what brings you here today?”

“I was looking for Thomas Anderson.”

“He’s not due back for a few days yet.  Can I give him a message?”

He thought carefully.  It might appear unseemly if he mentioned Hannah was looking for him.  “Please tell him the Colter’s request his presence when he can make his way out there.”

Craig looked confused, but did not ask any questions.  “I’ll pass along the message,” he said as he jotted a note on his desk.

Adam nodded, walked out the door, and mounted his horse.  He had no other business in town and did not wish to draw Will’s attention by being gone too long.

His thoughts went back to the conversation with Julia.  She looked different.  Could it be possible she was changing?  Might she be receptive to his attention? 

He was twisted in knots—had been since she returned—over what, if anything, he should do to repair their broken relationship.  He contemplated apologizing to her, but he was not sorry for kissing her.  He was not sorry for courting her.  The only thing he was sorry for was her refusal to give him a chance.  And he could not apologize for her actions.

Lord, I know I have asked this a thousand times, so what is one more time?  Please, find a way to bring Julia back to me.  I need her.

Three days later, Thomas reined in his horse in front of the livery.  Handing the lathered horse off to the livery owner, he retrieved his things and the mail bags.

As he turned to leave, Craig called after him.  “Anderson!  One of Colter’s men came by and asked if you could head out to his ranch when you can.”

Thomas nodded, acknowledging he heard the message.  His heart sank to his stomach.  Mr. Colter and he had not parted on the best of terms.  Odd that he should ask him back to the ranch.  The hidden message behind his final words left Thomas believing there would be no chance to reconcile with Hannah.  In fact, he got the distinct impression that he might get himself shot if he showed up there again.  No matter, he was too tired from the run to worry about it now.

The next morning, Thomas dressed in one of his nicer shirts and trousers.  He rented a horse from the livery then set out down the road to Colter Ranch.  Regardless of what Mr. Colter wanted to discuss with him, he hoped to get an opportunity to finish the conversation he started with Hannah.  He needed to have some peace about Drew’s death.

As he reined in the horse by the hitching post, Mr. Colter covered the distance from the barn quickly.

“What are you doing here?” he thundered.

Confused, Thomas started to respond but another man, one he recognized from when he was there last, said, “Hannah asked him to come back.  She wants to speak with him.”

Will pushed past Thomas into the house shouting over his shoulder, “Wait here!”

Thomas kicked at the dirt feeling uncertain about the whole situation.

“I don’t think we met earlier,” the other man said.  “I’m Adam Larson, the horse trainer.”

“Thomas Anderson, Drew’s brother.”  At Adam’s raised eyebrow, Thomas explained, “Hannah’s first husband was my brother.”

“Ah.”

The silence stretched and Thomas could hear a muffled discussion inside the house.  Looks like Craig misunderstood who it was that wanted to speak with him.  A few minutes later a rather cross looking Will emerged from the house.

“Hannah will see you now.  But,” he said stepping closer to Thomas, towering over him.  “Do not do anything to upset her.”

He nodded.  Entering the house, he waited a second for his eyes to adjust.  Julia motioned him forward to Hannah’s bedroom.

“Thomas, welcome,” Hannah smiled at him and pointed to the chair near the bed—a far different reaction than their last encounter.

“Hannah,” he greeted hesitantly.  As Julia closed the door all but a crack, Thomas sensed this would be a very private discussion.

“Forgive my husband.  He is very protective and I confess, I didn’t tell him I invited you here.”

“He has every right to be protective.”

Hannah waved her hand in the air dismissing the topic.  “First, I want to tell you that I forgive you.  I did several days ago.  I no longer hold anything against you.”

That was it?  No further explanation needed?  She just forgave him?

“However, I would like to hear what you came to tell me the other day.  I just wanted you to know before the telling that there is no need to beg forgiveness, for it is given freely.”

This was not the same docile domestic woman he remembered.  Hannah had a strength and grace about her, which put him at ease.  Taking a deep breath, Thomas plunged forward.  “I came to apologize to you and Drew, only I’m too late.  I know that my actions back in Ohio forever changed your lives—even took Drew’s life.”  His voice broke.