A Heart Renewed (40 page)

Her breath caught when she looked into his beautiful green eyes.  Deep love and longing shone there, before he drew her closer.

“Oh, Julia,” he whispered, pausing just inches from her face.  The effect sent her pulse racing with anticipation.

Then he closed the distance, bringing his lips down on hers.  She closed her eyes and leaned against his strong frame.  His kiss was sweet and gentle, holding a promise of giving, not taking.  As she looped her arms around his neck, he pressed closer.

Every sense heightened.  The faint smell of horses lingered on his skin.  She ran one hand along his jaw line, so smooth to her touch.

  The gentleness in his kiss awakened a longing within her.  She wanted to be near him, to drink in his love in the safety of his embrace.  Her heart opened and she realized she loved him.

As she responded to his kiss, she felt a light tug near her hair before it fell loose.  Adam ran his fingers through her hair, the intimate touch sending fire through her veins. His closeness was intoxicating.  She wanted to remain here with him all day.

Adam breathed deeply of the light vanilla scent he associated with Julia.  When she responded to his kiss it opened the flood of emotion he kept hidden before.  He started to deepen his kiss, running his fingers through her soft brown curls.  He dreamed of doing this so many times.  She tasted so sweet.  Even though his mind told him to slow down, he continued to kiss her ardently.

When she leaned back and placed her hand on his chest, he stopped, breathless.

“Julia,” he said, his voice husky.  Emboldened by the look of love in her eyes, he blurted out, “I love you.  I want you to be my wife.”

Her eyes went dark with fear and she dropped her arms to her side, stepping away from his embrace.  He felt a sinking feeling in his gut as he let her go.  She took another step back into the flank of her horse before she stepped sideways.

What had he done?

She began to pace back and forth.  That gnawing feeling in his stomach worsened.  What kind of fool was he to make such a bold declaration and so soon?  While it was true and he meant it from his heart, he knew looking at her agitated state that it had been much too soon for her.  Perhaps this was what Will tried to warn him of?

At last, she stopped pacing and turned to face him, keeping her distance.  The pain was obvious in her eyes.  It pierced him to know he caused it, though he did not understand why.

“Adam… I need to… You should know…” she started to speak several times, each making no sense.  Wringing her hands, she looked away.

“Here,” he said leading her to a large bolder.  “Sit.”

When she sat, he released her hand and kneeled on the ground before her.

“You cannot want me to be your wife.”

Adam was confused.  Isn’t that normally where courting led?  What was she talking about?

“At least…”  Her voice softened, “You will not want to once I tell you what I have to say.”

“There is nothing you could say that would change my mind.  I may have spoken out of turn, but I meant what I said.”  He reached for her hand, but she clasped her hands together, resting them on her knees.

“You do not know what you are talking about.”

When he started to tell her again that his feelings would not change, she held up a hand to stop him.

“Let me finish.  You need to know what happened that night we left Texas.”

Adam’s heart raced.  Swallowing the lump in his throat, he nodded for her to continue.

“That night, Reuben was so angry with me.  I refused another lecherous suitor and ruined his greedy plans of using me to further his wealth.

“At first, I thought he would come and beat me, like he did the day you came to get your horse.  I waited fearfully, but he never came.  Then, after everyone in the house was asleep, he came home.”

She looked away, hands trembling.  “He was drunk and angry.  He burst through the door of my room.  Then he…”  Her voice broke and her whole body shook.

His heart tore watching her relive this.  He tried to take her hand again, to offer some comfort, but she only stiffened at his touch.

“He…forced himself on me.  I tried…to fight.  But he pinned me down.  I was not strong enough.”

Julia turned and held his gaze for a minute, tears streaming down her face.  “He raped me...”

“I am ruined.”

Tears gathered in his eyes as the reality of what she said sank in.  Reuben had raped his own sister.  Anger rose in him.  He wanted to kill that wretched man for what he did.  Clenching his fist, he looked at her and realized his anger was frightening her.  She needed him. 

Exhaling slowly, he calmed his emotions.  “This doesn’t change how I feel.  I love you.”

He took both of her hands in his, but she shook them free again.

“Don’t you see,” she said, her shoulders slumped in defeat.  “I am ruined.”

She choked on a sob then leaped to her feet.

“You deserve so much better, someone pure and undefiled.”

Before he could react, she mounted her horse and rode off toward town.

Still kneeling on the ground in front of the now empty boulder, Adam placed his head in his hands and wept.  He wept for Julia and the pain she still carried.  He wept that she thought he would love her less.  Most of all, he wept because he knew he just destroyed any hope of marrying the woman he loved.

Julia rode Annabel at a hard pace, dodging trees.  The mare’s heavy breathing mimicked her own.  Tears moistened her cheeks, causing her loose hair to stick to her face.

She loved him, she truly loved him.  But she could not let Adam think she was untouched.  And she could not let him want to marry her.  He deserved so much better.

Nearing town, she tried to determine her next steps, but her grief blinded her.  Pulling hard on the reins, she stopped the mare in front of Lancaster’s. 

After dismounting, she burst through the door.

“Betty!”  She choked out the name between sobs.

As she entered the kitchen, Betty rose.  Ben Shepherd from Colter Ranch sat on the other side of the small kitchen table.  Julia started to back away when she realized Betty wasn’t alone, but Betty moved to her side.

“Come with me, dear,” Betty said, ushering Julia into her private rooms.  “Whatever is the matter?”

Sobs wracked her body.  She needed to tell Betty what happened.  Taking a deep, shuddered breath, Julia said, “Adam kissed me.”

Betty smiled.  “Dear, I don’t think a kiss is what has you so upset.”

“I… I told him.”

Betty’s expression sobered and Julia was certain she understood her meaning.  A new round of sobs shook her body.

Forcing words between each sob, she said, “He… wants to… m-m-marry me… but I told him… he deserves… someone… pure.”  Covering her face with her hands, she let the tears flow freely.

Julia felt Betty’s arms wrap around her.  She rocked back and forth as Betty stroked her hair and murmured words of comfort.  Several minutes later, her crying stopped and she looked up at the motherly woman.  She just wanted to curl up and sleep for a week.

Betty must have read the exhaustion in her expression.  “Dear, why don’t you lie down on my bed and take a nap?  I’ll wake you for supper after the boarders are gone and we can talk some more if you like.”

Julia nodded and did as the older woman suggested.

Adam was not sure how long he kneeled there in the forest after Julia left.  His knees ached almost as much as his broken foolish heart.  As he started to stand, he noticed the ribbon in his hand.  Julia’s ribbon.  He brought it to his nose and inhaled the scent.  Vanilla. 
Oh, Julia.
  His heart cried, ripped open again.

He urged his legs to move as he tried to stand.  He needed to make sure she made it to town safely.  He needed to talk to her.  To explain that none of what she said mattered to him.  He loved her.  He could no more stop loving her than he could stop training horses.  She was a part of him.

Mounting his horse, Adam stuffed her hair ribbon in his pocket for safe keeping.  He pointed the horse back towards town, following the prints from her mare.

Perhaps they would still be enjoying their afternoon together, had he not made his foolish declaration.  He should have been more cautious, especially with both Will and Hannah’s strong warnings.  What had he been thinking?

A frustrated growl escaped his lips, low and anguished.  He had not been thinking.  That was the problem.  He was so enamored with her—and that kiss—that he let his emotions get away from him.

That kiss.  She tasted so sweet.  When she responded he lost a good bit of his self-control.  He wanted to go on.  He hated to admit just how far he would have been willing to go.  Then guilt stabbed him in the heart.  In light of what Julia shared, Adam knew his actions were unforgiveable.  He pressed too much even though he knew better.

He forced himself to concentrate as he neared town.  He needed to find her.  He glanced at the hitching post by the hotel and did not see the palomino mare.  Riding around the town square, he finally spotted the horse tied in front of Lancaster’s. 
Betty.
  The woman acted as mother to practically half the territory.  Of course Julia would seek solace there.

After tying his horse next to the mare, he entered the quiet dining hall.  He heard voices coming from the kitchen.  As he entered the small room, he thought he saw Ben Shepherd jump back.  Looking down, Adam noticed Ben’s hand entwined with Betty’s.

“Have you seen Julia?” he asked directing his question toward Betty.

“Adam,” Ben answered.  “Take a seat.”  Ben let go of Betty’s hand before taking a seat next to him.  Both men turned their attention to Betty.

“Adam, she’s here.”

He started to rise, but Ben’s strong grip on his shoulder kept him in his seat.

“She’s sleeping right now,” Betty continued.  “You must understand what she experienced in Texas is not the type of thing that one heals from quickly.  She is hurting.  And she is scared. But it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have feelings for you.  Those feelings, while deep, only add to her fear and confusion.  She needs time.”

Adam stared at his hands trying to accept what Betty was saying about his beloved Julia.  It hurt.  It hurt to know she was on the other side of that wall and he could not go to her to comfort her, to explain.

“Give her some time, dear.  If God has a mind for the two of you to be together, it will happen.”

After sitting in silence for several minutes, Adam rose to his feet, numb.  “We best head back to the ranch,” he said to Ben before walking out to his horse.