A Father In The Making (14 page)

Denny nudged him in the side. “Interested?”

Nate brushed him off with a shrug. “It might be a place to rent.”

“Why bother renting? Why don't you buy it?”

The idea wasn't new to Nate. Ever since he kissed Mia, he'd been teetering between two emotions.

Fear and peace.

If he bought that place, it meant making a commitment to staying, which meant opening himself completely and wholly to Mia. Letting her take over the space in his heart he had guarded all these years.

At the same time the idea generated an unexpected peace. The thought of a place of his own. A family of his own.

“You don't need to look so worried about this.” It was more Denny's tone than his comment that bespoke a knowledge of the inner workings of Nate's mind. “You don't have to run out and make this decision today.”

“I know.” Nate couldn't stop the testy tone from creeping into his voice. Then he gave Denny an apologetic look. “Sorry. I didn't mean to snap. I just feel like things are coming at me so fast.”

“Life happens that way sometimes,” Denny agreed. “Sometimes God shifts you in unexpected directions, but when you arrive, you realize this is where you should be. I wouldn't trade with anyone and I don't regret anything that happened to me along the way.”

The conviction in his voice eased Nate's own trepidation.

“I get it,” Nate said. “I was supposed to be at Arden Charles's ranch right now. Working with him and learning from him. Fine-tuning Tango for the competition. Instead, I'm here.”

“But you can leave soon, now, can't you? Tango is well enough and you can divide up your horse trailer and keep the colt and Nola separate from the rest?”

Denny's tone was casual, but Nate understood the deeper question.
Are you still going?

Nate chewed at his lower lip, then pushed himself to his feet, walking a ways away from the boys. Denny followed as Nate leaned against the workbench behind him.

“Tell me what's on your mind,” Denny said.

Nate's glance ticked from Denny to the boys then he eased out a sigh. “For the past five years, I've had a plan—a solid plan—and getting Tango to the futurity, having Nola and Bella foal, was all part of that. Then I came here. Then I met Mia....” He let the sentence trail off, not sure how to convey the confusion of feelings that circulated through his mind each time he thought of her.

“You care about her, don't you?”

Nate shoved his hand through his hair, blowing out a sigh. “Scares the living daylights out of me, but I do.”

“What scares you?”

Nate waited a moment, self-preservation and years of being on his own slowing his response.

“I'm scared of opening my heart. To her and to the kids,” he said, his voice lowered so the boys couldn't hear. “I'm scared of what could happen to me if she pushes me away. If she doesn't want me.”

“I've seen how she looks at you. Evangeline has said that Mia is a different person since she's met you. In spite of what happened to her, she seems happier. More settled.”

Denny's words kindled a hope in his soul that he had kept banked for so many years. The hope of a person to share his life with and the hope of a family.

“That's what I'm struggling with. I know how important it is to support the people who depend on me. That's why this competition is so important to me. If I can get a stake together, I might have a chance...” He let the sentence trail off, still afraid of vocalizing the half-formed thoughts that plagued him each night before he fell asleep. Thoughts about Mia and a future.

“I feel like I need space to catch my breath. Figure out what I want. My focus has been this futurity for so long—I need to compete.”

Silence followed that comment and Nate knew how it sounded, but he also knew the fear that had made him say it.

“So you're still leaving?” Denny asked.

“I have to.”

“Well, you gotta do what you gotta do, I guess.”

“I gotta do what's best for me.”

“Of course you do.”

Nate heard the disappointment in Denny's voice and struggled to separate himself from it. He had always respected his brother. But he had been on his own for the past few years. He had never had to think of anyone else or work anyone into his life.

He crouched down to pet his dog, giving himself a moment to respond to Denny's last remark.

Socks looked at him, but then Josh called him and he trotted over.

“Would you come back?” Denny asked quietly, as if speaking too loudly might scare Nate off.

Nate held that idea, letting it sink into his soul and then he smiled. “That is my new plan.”

Denny's shoulders lowered as if he had been holding his own tension in. “That's good to know. So, next question. Would your winnings be enough for you to buy that place you looked at?”

“No.”

“I know you don't want to hear it, but there's a solution to this.”

Nate shot him an angry look but Denny seemed undeterred.

“I think you need to put Karl where he belongs,” Denny said, his voice quiet, as if he understood how difficult this was for Nate. “I think you need to put him in the past. In the ground where he is right now. This money is a gift. As long as you think taking money from Karl gives him power over you, he still wins. Even from the grave.”

The only sound in the quiet that followed was the uneven ringing of the boys' hammers on the nails. Nate swallowed back the immediate defense of his position, reality nipping at his heels like a pesky cow-dog.

“I think there was a reason you ended up here,” Denny continued. “Let God use that. Let yourself accept what is happening to you. I know how scary it can be. I had the same thing with Evangeline and Ella. I had to go through my own journey and I suspect you're partway through yours. Mia is a wonderful, loving person. She, of all people, would not give her heart and loyalty lightly.” Denny nudged him with an elbow. “Or her kisses.”

The light note eased some of the heaviness away and Nate laughed. “We've had a few of those.”

“And I know Mia. She is not the type of person to let someone easily into her life. If she has let you get close it's because she trusts you. Which means you can trust her. And it also means you have to be careful with her.”

“I know that, too,” Nate replied. “So I want you to make sure you keep everything we've said right now to yourself.”

“Of course.” Then Denny clapped him on the shoulder, a brisk way of saying that for now, he was leaving this discussion alone. “Let's go help the boys finish up those birdhouses. Evangeline said we needed to eat early because they've got book club tonight. You going?”

“No. I want to work with Tango after supper.”

“Perfect. That gives me an excuse to get out of the house, too. Book club always gives me the heebie-jeebies.” Denny shuddered. “You think about what I said. You pray about it. And know that I'd love to have my brother close by.”

Nate toyed with that thought as a glimpse of a future he never thought available to him hovered at the edges of his thoughts. Family. Community.

Mia.

Then Josh and Nico looked up at him as they walked over. Both smiled.

And Nate felt the warmth of their affection. And he allowed that glimpse of a future with them and Mia to become more real.

Chapter Thirteen

“S
o you're still leaving?”

Mia was about to enter the garage when she heard Denny asking Nate the same question she never dared ask.

“I have to,” Nate was saying.

Mia paused, her feet suddenly frozen in place. She couldn't move ahead.

“Well, you gotta do what you gotta do, I guess,” was Denny's quiet reply.

“I gotta do what's best for me,” Nate said with a sense of finality.

Why were her hands tingling like this? Why couldn't she move her feet?

But she had to. Had to get out of here. Had to leave.

Thankfully, the girls were quiet as she dragged the stroller backward out of the rut, got it turned around and headed toward the house. Crazy girl, she thought, her feet beating a rhythm in time to the words pounding through her head.
Crazy, romantic, foolish girl. Why did you think he would want to stay with you when he had a chance with someone like Lacy?

She needed to keep her feet moving to prevent her mind from taking over. So instead of going to the house, she continued down the driveway toward the road, her pace picking up. Evangeline would be coming home soon; she needed to see her friend.

But as she walked other things Nate said wound their insidious way into her head.

“You'll make some guy very happy someday... We need to talk...”

She closed her eyes and shook her head as if to dislodge the words, but they clung and slowly wormed their way into her mind. When Nate said that she foolishly assumed he was talking about them.

Now she realized he was probably finding a way to ease her out of his life.

Had Lacy made him change his mind?

She faltered, tears threatening. She'd been here before—on her own, left behind. She had managed then, she would manage now.

But the thought of Nate leaving created an unyielding ache in her heart.

Dear Lord, please help me get through this,
was all she could pray.
Carry me and my kids because I keep coming back to the truth that only You are faithful
.

She walked for another fifteen minutes, thankful that the girls had fallen asleep, but still having seen no sign of Evangeline. So she turned around and returned to the house. The boys were still busy in the garage when she came back. She brought the girls, one at a time, into the house and when she came back from laying them down she noticed a blinking light on the phone. Evangeline had left a message saying that she wouldn't be home until it was time for book club. She would pick up some treats from the bakery. Could Mia feed Nate and Denny the burritos she had planned?

Mia dropped the phone onto the cradle and dragged her hands over her face. She didn't want to see Nate right now. But she had no choice. So with heavy feet she started frying hamburger and cutting up peppers and onions.

While she was assembling the burritos she heard the pounding of feet, the door slamming open, Josh complaining.

What was going on?

Denny burst into the house carrying both Josh and Nico. “Sorry. Gotta run,” he said, panting as he deposited the boys on the kitchen floor. “The cows are out.” And without another word he turned around and left. Mia hurried to the porch, Josh and Nico on her heels.

Cows milled about the yard, bawling; calves scurried around, kicking up dust, then racing off as if enjoying their newfound freedom. She saw Denny skirting the herd, heading toward the corral, legs pumping.

Through the dust of the cows' hooves on the packed yard, she saw Nate in the corral saddling Tango with quick, brisk movements. He was all business. He looked up and for a moment she thought he was looking at her. She couldn't help her reaction. She pulled back.

“C'mon, boys. We better get inside,” she said, tugging on their arms.

“But we want to watch,” Josh whined.

“It's too dangerous,” she insisted.

Then she heard a sound from Nico. Her gaze shot to her son who was leaning forward, his hands stretched out to Nate. The noise he made had an urgency. As if he was afraid for Nate.

And in spite of the joy she felt at Nico's hesitant step to communication, a sense of foreboding loomed.

He would be okay, she told herself. Nate knew how to take care of himself.

It was her own heart she had to guard. Her own life she had to watch over, she thought as she pulled the boys back into the house. Then, in spite of the drama unfolding outside, she managed to get them fed and the girls bathed and got the boys watching a movie.

Half an hour later she heard Evangeline drive up and Mia ran out to meet her. Thankfully, the bawling noise had settled down and Mia saw Denny and Nate herding the cows back through the gate to the pasture.

Evangeline was taking boxes out of the back of the car. Mia assumed these were treats for the book club meeting.

“Let me take that,” Mia said to Evangeline. “You take care of Ella.”

“That'd be great,” Evangeline said, tilting the box toward her. “Anyone from book club here yet?”

“Not yet. Let's get into the house before the cows get any closer.”

Evangeline glanced over her shoulder as she carried Ella to the house. “How did they get out?”

“I don't know. Denny and Nate have been busy the past half hour getting them back in.”

Evangeline pulled Ella out of the car seat and followed Mia into the house.

“And how was your day?” Evangeline asked as she shifted Ella and grabbed a glass of water. “You get to spend any more time with Nate?”

The painful throb made a return visit. Mia forced herself to smile and shake her head. She wanted more than anything to sit and talk things through with Evangeline, but now was not the time. Especially not when the door of the porch creaked open and Sophie Brouwer and Eloise Beck strolled into the kitchen.

“Sorry we're early, but we wanted so badly to see your place,” Sophie was saying as she set her book bag on the table. She looked around and then her gaze landed on Mia. “Oh, my dear girl. How are you coping? Have you settled anything with the insurance company yet?”

Mia felt another tremble of emotion and simply gave Mrs. Beck a quick smile. “I'll find out tomorrow,” was all she allowed herself to say. “And I'm sorry, but I need to excuse myself to get the boys in bed.”

“Of course, honey, we can talk later.” And as Mia shut off the television and took her reluctant sons up the stairs she heard Eloise saying to Evangeline, “Did Lacy talk to you about coming tonight?”

Mia's step faltered and she clung to the banister as Evangeline said yes.
Oh, dear Lord, I can't face her. Not now,
Mia prayed, feeling small and petty and nervous all at the same time.

“Are you coming, Mommy?” Josh asked, pulling on her arm. She gave him a quick hug, as if to anchor herself to her present. Her children needed her. She had to forget about what she needed.

And as she tucked the boys in later and prayed with them, she clung to the faith that had sustained her through other dark times in her life.

Help me to trust in Your unfailing love,
she prayed as Josh recited his usual bedtime prayer.
Help me to be thankful for what I have. For my children. Help me to take care of them. To put You first in my life, and then them.

But even as she prayed, a voice echoed a wish for someone to take care of her.

She took a slow breath, started down the stairs and came to a full stop halfway down.

From here she saw Lacy Miedema standing in the kitchen, chatting with Evangeline as she helped her put the treats on a plate.

Today, Lacy wore a blue tank top covered with a filmy white blouse with large, pale blue polka dots, tucked into slim-fitting blue jeans. Ropes of various silver necklaces hung down her neck, bangle earrings flashed from her ears. On her narrow feet she wore gladiator sandals. She looked fashionably adorable with her loosely curled blond hair flowing over her shoulders. Young and cute and fresh.

In spite of her own skirt and makeup, Mia felt old and dowdy and tired just looking at her.

She took a breath and was about to go down the stairs when the porch door opened and Nate stepped inside the kitchen. A bright smile lit up Lacy's face.

“Hello, Nate. Nice to see you again.” Lacy tilted her head to one side, her hair flowing across her shoulder in an artlessly flirtatious gesture. “How is Nola's foal?”

Lacy knew about Nola's baby. Mia had treasured that moment as something special between her and Nate.

Mia clutched the banister as the implications of that sank in. He and Lacy had talked before. And why not? He had her number in the pocket of his jacket with a note that said “call me.”

Mia shoved her rough hands with their ragged fingernails behind her back and slouched down the stairs, trying not to draw attention to herself. Nate had his back to her as he sampled some of the goodies that Lacy had arranged on the plate. Mia slipped around the corner and dropped into the nearest chair. Jeff sat beside her, but he and Angie were laughing at something he was showing her in the book they were to discuss.

Mia didn't want to listen to Nate and Lacy, but it was as if every nerve in her body was tingling with awareness.

“I don't know if I'll have time. I've got a futurity to get ready for,” Nate was saying to her.

Mia's heart skipped as she tried to still the sudden panic his words had created, reminding her of what he had said this morning.

“I'm thinking of attending,” Lacy was saying.

“It's a great competition, if you're interested in cutting horses.”

“Interested? I'm addicted. I have some horses at my father's place. Doc Bar and San Peppy are in their pedigree.”

“Wow. Cutting Horse who's who.” Nate sounded full of admiration. Lacy obviously spoke Nate's language. Was obviously not as afraid of horses as Mia was.

A perfect match for him.

“I'd love to see your horse Tango, if I may?” Lacy was asking. “He might be a good stud for my mares.”

“Sure. I need to talk to you, anyway,” Nate was saying.

Mia sat on her hands, pressing her lips together, fighting down her self-doubt. Then the sound of the outside door falling cut off Nate and Lacy's voices. They were gone.

“So, Mia, what did you think of the book?” Jeff was asking her.

She blinked, pulling her attention back from Nate and Lacy to Jeff, who was watching her, his brown eyes crinkling around the edges with suppressed humor.

“I liked it,” she said.

“In spite of the happy ending? I know you think those are hokey.”

Mia shrugged away his question, not sure what to think of happy endings right now when she felt as if she was in the middle of her own unhappy one.

She looked out the living room window. From here she saw part of the yard. She caught a flash of white and saw Lacy going into the barn. Nate right behind her.

All her insecurities and self-doubts plodded through her mind with leaden feet and the longer Lacy stayed away from the meeting, the heavier her conviction grew that she needed to do something about this. Needed to take charge of her life.

Maybe she and her family needed some time away from all of this.

* * *

“Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past. See I am making a new thing.”
Nate ran his finger along the words of Isaiah as if to absorb them, once again, into his being.

Since he had come here his life had taken many quick twists and turns, dragging him to a new place.

Nate sat back in his chair, feeling like he had to catch his breath. It had been a long, busy day. This morning he had met Lacy Miedema at her father's place and had walked over the yard. It wasn't the perfect spot, but it had a lot of potential. Then he had gone to the bank to see about financing.

Finally, he talked to the lawyer in Calgary.

Yesterday, he had been so uncertain as to what he should do. But after talking to Denny, hearing his reassuring words made him realize that he was letting his past dictate his present. He could stay on the sidelines of life, guarding his heart, or he could take a chance.

A chance with Mia. He had wanted to talk to her, to carefully feel her out about how things stood between them, but he hadn't seen her all day. She had been busy, as well. Maybe after supper, once the kids were in bed, they'd have a chance to talk.

Maybe steal a few more kisses.

The thought put a smile on his lips.

“Nate, you in here?” Denny's voice echoing in the hallway of the trailer made him jump. He stopped in the entrance to the living room, his hands on his hips. “Evangeline wants to know if you're coming for supper.”

“Be right there,” Nate said, pushing off his chair. “Just let me wash up.”

“So did you go to the Miedema place?” Denny asked as he followed him to the washroom. “What did you think?”

“It's nice. Almost perfect,” Nate said as he soaped up his hands. “The house is a bit small and the arena needs work, but it's a great location.”

“Price?”

Nate grabbed a towel, thinking once again about the financial aspect of his life. “If I use Karl's money I could swing it.”

Denny leaned one shoulder against the doorframe, folding his arms over his chest as if settling in for a man-to-man chat. “So you're taking the money?”

Nate held that question a moment, hefting the weight of it. Trying to separate the man from the money. “I think I might. Unless things go really bad here.”

“How bad could they go? I think Mia's pretty crazy about you and her kids like you just as much.” Denny was quiet a moment. “And Nico is already coming around. Maybe he just needs to know there's some stability in his life.”

Nate smiled at that as he hung up the towel. “I think so, too. And I hope for Mia's sake as much as Nico's that we're right.”

“You know, you'll do fine with this whole thing,” he said. “Besides, me and Evangeline are here. Mia's got lots of good friends. There's a lot of support available for you.”