A Captivating Conundrum (48 page)

He shook his head; his face confused. "
What
?"

"And it's okay," I whispered.

"Wait," Matt grabbed my hand. "Why would you say that?"

I offered him my kindest smile filled, hopefully, with all the love I felt for him. "Because today isn't your
someday
."

Dropping his hand I opened the huge door and walked through. I knew I wasn't alone, seeing as that the large weight never slammed behind me. 

I stared at the strong little girl sitting on the bed. Holding her stuffed animal, Amber stared out the window at the twinkling lights of a city that made millions of dreams come true.

Her small face turned and stared at me. "You look really pretty, Star."

I smiled. "So do you, kiddo."

Pulling up a chair, I sat down across from her and took her hands in mine. "You were extraordinary on that stage tonight."

"They didn't want me," her voice was so small, so filled with sadness and pain.

Taking a deep breath, I glanced back at the one man who I would always remember as the love of my life, and then looked away. "Actually, Amber…this is all my fault."

Her blue eyes stared into mine. "What?"

My heart was heavy, wishing that I could somehow be given psychic powers to make sure I wasn't about to completely ruin this amazing child's life. "I didn't want the Prescott's to have you."

I heard a small gasp come from Nicole and I glanced back, begging her with my gaze to keep quiet.

"Huh?" Amber sat up straight, not knowing, I suppose, whether or not to hit me for taking away her chance at a normal life.

"Amber…I want you.
I
want to be your mother."

Her eyes grew wide.

"I mean, when I think about it, I always have. You make me laugh, we're already friends…Amber, you make my whole life brighter. I didn't want you to become a Prescott, I want you to become a Carrier." 

"
What
?" Tears started raining down her cheeks and I reached out for her, trying to avoid the sniffles and gasps of surprise echoing in the room. "
Really
?"

"I was scared to ask you, Amber. I thought it was unfair of me to adopt you because…well, you deserve a Mom
and
a Dad. You deserve that perfect family, and I'm just me."

The little body sat up on her knees; her watery gaze never left mine. 

"I don't want you to call me Star anymore, Amber. I want you to call me Mom."

The force was so strong that I felt the chair rock backwards, almost sending us both to the floor when Amber threw herself into my arms and wrapped her hands so tight around my neck that I could barely breathe.

"Can I call you Mommy instead?" she whispered.

My heart was so full of love for this child I couldn't even see straight. Even though the pain was there—the hurt that came from knowing I had destroyed my shot at becoming Mrs. McKenna—I knew I could handle all of that later. Right now I had a daughter, and that's all that mattered.

"Mommy's okay by me."

~ His ~

As I stood there watching the two most beautiful girls I'd ever seen make a lifelong vow to each other, I could barely breathe.

Nicole was crying into Ken's chest, as the big man simply nodded his head and offered a smile at the work of art before him.

Chris was standing on his tip-toes, moving slightly from side to side. I could feel the energy inside him. He wanted nothing more than to run across the floor, toss himself at both of them and create a big bear hug that would last forever.

And Bobby…was looking at me. Our gazes locked and I simply waited, as if he was about to either beat the crap out of me, or sit me down and give me a good talking to. I knew what he was thinking, probably the same thing I was thinking. Beth was no longer a lone soul. She had made the decision to become a duet, and I…I just didn't know if I was ready. I had no experience with children. I mean, I was an only child; I didn't have the type of world where kids were around, except in my work. But even they weren't kids; they were teens and twenty-something's. I wasn't sure if I was father material—at least right now.

My brain was screaming so many directions at me I couldn't even think. I looked at Beth and just knew. I knew the minute I sat at that table and spoke to her. I knew when we watched sports, laughed, talked, whispered, made love—everything about her was the
one
. But a child? This would be a huge responsibility, especially for two people who'd only known each other for such a short amount of time.

I felt sick. It was as if real life suddenly had the nerve to intrude on this absolute perfect fantasy I'd been living. Decisions, real decisions that would affect this child's life had to be made. And…I did
not
want to hurt Amber by being a bad father. 

I looked down at the floor. Beth had given me the 'out'—this wasn't my
someday
and she knew it. As she looked at the rest of us, Beth offered me a nod and a stunning smile, as if she was forgiving me and letting me—no, telling me—to go. There was sadness in her eyes, but no regret. This time, the woman who needed all the exits, had locked herself into a situation that she did not want to run from. This time, she'd given the exit to me.

I was so confused. A conundrum to top them all. What should I do? I loved her, that was a given. I wanted to marry her and spend the rest of my life learning about every single facet of the woman before me. And I wanted so much to be a father and have that family unit in the next ten years. But to take that step now, knowing that I may not be what was best for Amber…my breath caught in my chest, knowing that I had to walk away.

I know. It sounds awful—it felt awful. I looked at Beth and felt the tears roll down my cheeks. All I needed to do was take one step forward, but instead I went in the opposite direction.

Looking at Bobby, he simply nodded, as if forgiving me the biggest trespass I could've possibly made against his best friend.

~ Hers ~

I watched the man of my dreams walk. And, no, I didn't blame him. There was no anger or resentment. Matt was the one. I had waited a good, long time to have that man appear in my life just to have it turn out to be the wrong time. He deserved his
someday
, and it wasn't the same as mine.

Amber was clutching me as if I were a life preserver in a hurricane. I could feel the love come from her and spark my heart.

Amber and I were the right match at the right time.

Thirty-Eight

~ His ~

My house looked strange. Hell, California looked strange. Waking up in the morning, having the sun shining through the windows of my house, letting me know I was back among the people I knew and the work I loved…everything should've felt perfect.

Maybe the routine would help; coffee, a five-mile jog, catch up with crew and see how everyone was—the 'norm' is what I needed in order to get back on track. 

Flying home with Chance sitting next to me remaining completely silent had been weird. Especially when I had planned to have Beth with me as we talked about the next fifty years ahead. I was supposed to have been exhilarated, knowing that I would soon introduce Beth to my parents; the couple who truly wanted me to find the 'one' and start that family. I was going to show her Hollywood, have some fun, see if she could adapt to my world out there—already knowing she could because she was Beth…and she loved me. 

Getting off the plane, going home, I honestly fell into bed the second the taxi dropped me off and drove away down my private, tree-shaded drive. I was so tired and so let down—by me, not by anyone else—that I slept forever, ignoring the annoying cell phone and the knocks that periodically came at the door.

Today, I saw Rebecca's number; I heard the messages she left, and how she forgave me for my 'silly time.' She said she'd come back over and we could forget the whole thing as soon as I returned her message. I didn't.

Putting on the requisite uniform of shorts and t-shirt, I began my jog. Putting the buds in my ears, I hit
Coldplay
first. Maybe that would calm me down, ground me and remind me of what my focus was before this whole dream occurred. 

I raced by the beauties and, yes, California is stocked full of them. I got the waves, the looks of recognition, because somewhere in the back of their minds they knew my character, but I raced on. I had no desire to sign autographs or paste a smile on my face that I just didn't feel. 

But I had done the job. Calling my agent, he briefed me on everything I needed to know that was coming up—after chastising me for simply vanishing from his sight for so long. I learned of the red carpet coming up, the interviews necessary and what was expected of me, and I got everything in order inside my head. I knew Europe was in the near future. I knew that soon I could escape this life for the opening of a movie, while working on the songs that were swimming inside my head. There were a ton of them now. In fact, I could write an album in less than a day. 

I found myself in front of Chance's house, smiling at the wooden boards scattered around. They sat there for those off-the-cuff moments that might come upon us as we reverted back to childhood and began to practice 'moves' like we did when we were teens.  

I must've stood and stared for a while, because the door opened and Chance stepped out on the porch with a cup of coffee in his hand. He held it out to me. "Comin' in?"

I nodded, sighing as I walked into a house that I was certainly more than comfortable in, yet I still felt like I was a stranger in my own world.

Chance sat down in the recliner as I took a seat on the couch. I practically dropped into it, feeling as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders.

"How you holdin' up?"

I shrugged. "Fine. Headed to London next week."

He nodded. "Well, you like it there."

"True."

"Did you call Rebecca?"

I shook my head strongly. "And I won't. That's over. She showed her true colors in about a second-and-a-half. I should feel bad but, I just can't."

"I wouldn't. She's just one of those carpetbaggers anyway. Wants your arm to pose on, nothing more, and you deserve better."

I looked up at him, as if he'd suddenly changed from a fun, kind friend to some old, wizened sage who had all the answers. "I did have better."

Chance kept his gaze locked with mine.

I nodded. "Go ahead. Say it."

Sitting back in the chair, Chance sighed. "From what you told me, even with what little time was spent with her, you had
more
than better, bud. Sorry about that."

I closed my eyes, trying not to let any tears escape. I was afraid that if it began, the breakdown would never stop. "I had the best."

"Most likely."

"I don't know how to be a father."

Chance remained silent.

"I mean it. I have a great one but, I don't know if I'm a traditionalist, or what, but…" I looked up at his serious expression. "You find the one, you get to know each other, get married,
then—
down the road a bit—you think about starting a family. You know…after you're absolutely sure that you're with the right one and everything will last."

"Okay." He sat up and lit a cigarette. "First, there's no way you're dumb enough to look at me and say marriage would come with a guarantee when you know that things spin on a dime. You've moved women into your house and, even though you KNEW you were in love with them, found out they weren't the one for whatever reason. Again, no guarantee."