A Beautiful Mess (17 page)

As soon as I heard the front door close my heart dropped and I started crying. I just couldn’t believe the mess I got myself in now and I didn’t have the slightest clue how to get out of it. There was just something in me telling me that I already knew the answer, that I was pregnant. Getting up off the bed I walked over to the nightstand table and turned my phone off. I just needed my own time to think about what I was going to do and how I was going to tell Jason.

I decided to take Jade’s advice and take a warm bubble bath to just try and calm myself. After starting the bath and adding the bubbles I went back into my room and got my Kindle because I definitely needed an escape from my life right now.

I needed to read about people who didn’t get pregnant even though the girl was on birth control. I needed to read about nonfictional characters who could mess up beyond repair and somehow the author thought it was humanly possible to not have to face the consequences because right now I wished I was one of those characters.

Unfortunately, real life isn’t like that. It’s not a place where you can mess up and get away with it. Every day we gamble. We are given decisions and we make our choices. But it’s because of those choices we are where we are and we can’t blame anybody for that besides ourselves when we royally fuck up.

I turned on my Kindle and started up where I left off on the last book in the
Fifty Shades
trilogy and maybe five minutes into reading Anastasia found out she was pregnant.

Like seriously? I just went off about how authors write and make it possible in the universe of fictional fucked-upness that a character can get out of any mess and what do you know? Fucking Anastasia Steele is pregnant while on birth control!

Throwing my Kindle on the floor I pulled my legs up to my chest and cried because I didn’t know what else to do. Not even reading could help me escape. As if I couldn’t feel worse the memory of Jason and I making love in the bathtub at the hotel drifted its way into my mind.

The way he held me so close to him and looked into my eyes whispering words like:

“I’ll never leave you.”

“I love you, Ash.”

“Forever and always.”

A little while later I heard the front door open and close and then there was a knock on the bathroom. “Ashlynn?”

Not taking my head out of the crook of my legs I mumbled, “You can come on in Jade.”

With a twist of the knob she peaked in and said, “I’ve got some pregnancy tests, crackers, and some more ginger ale. So whenever you’re ready.”

I still hadn’t moved my head. Again I mumbled, “I’ll just be out in a minute.”

I heard her put a bag on the floor and once the door was closed I rinsed myself off and got out of the tub and wrapped myself up in a towel. Going back into my room I dried off and put on some yoga pants and a t-shirt. Taking a deep breath I walked back into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. Jade had left the bag of pregnancy tests in there. As if I didn’t already know my fate.

Opening the box I pulled out the stick and read the instructions. Following the instructions I set the stick on the side of the sink, washed my hands and dragged my pregnant ass out into the living room where Jade was sitting quietly waiting for me.

I fell down next to her and held her hand while I waited for the answer I already knew the test was going to give me. We both sat there and stared at the blank television for the two longest minutes of our lives. Once the timer went off we both got up off the couch and, never releasing the hold of our hands, walked back into the bathroom. Even though I knew the answer my heart was still beating rapidly. Picking up the stick, I looked down and read the single hardest word out there for me at this moment.

Pregnant.

It had been two days since I found out I was going to be a mom and Jason was going to be a dad and I still didn’t have the slightest clue on how I was going to tell him. I decided today was going to be the day that the truth was going to come out; that we were going to be parents in eight and a half months. I just needed two days to maybe come up with some kind of miracle way of telling him but of course no miracle had fallen into my pregnant lap.

Some may think it was childish of me to ignore his text messages but every time I read words like:

… I love you baby.

… can’t wait to hold you in my arms baby.

… you okay baby?

… my heart dropped, my stomach tightened and I threw up. Of course the throwing up was not only from nerves but morning sickness as well.

Getting my purse from my room I started to open the front door when Jade said, “Give me the keys; I’ll drive.”

I turned and looked at her. “You’re coming with me?”

Jade shrugged her shoulders and said, “Yeah, I’m coming with you. Did you think I was not going to?”

Shaking my head back and forth I said, “I didn’t expect you to. That’s all.”

Grabbing me in a hug Jade whispered, “Like I said before. I’m going to be here every step of the way; no matter what the outcome is, Ash.”

Pulling back I wiped the tears away from my face and said, “Alright, let’s do this.”

The drive over to Jason’s apartment was unbearable. Every foot we drove I wanted to beg Jade to just turn around and drive away. But we can’t drive or hide away from our problems because the truth will come out. Or in my case show the truth when my stomach grew because of the child growing inside.

It seemed like we got there faster than normal but Jade said, “Damn, I even drove slow.”

Laughing at her comment I got out of the car and made my way over to Jade. I was so grateful she came with me because I needed her support in this. Taking her hand in mine we walked up to Jason’s apartment and I slowly reached my hand up and knocked on the door.

Jason opened it and this huge smile came across his face and he was reaching out to me and lifting me up to his arms. Kissing me on the lips he walked us back into his apartment and said, “I missed you, baby. You’re looking a lot better. How are you feeling?”

Jade walked in behind us and closed the door and then met eye contact with me. She nodded her head in reassurance so I looked to Jason and said, “I’m feeling better.”

I thought I sounded okay but Jason tilted his head and asked, “Are you sure?”

I couldn’t lie to him again so I just nodded my head hoping that was a good enough answer. Grabbing my hand, he pulled me into the living room and said, “Sit down. You want something to drink?”

Jade was walking over when I said, “Water, please.”

Once Jason walked into the kitchen Jade sat next to me and whispered, “It’s going to be okay but you have to tell him.”

At that moment Jason walked out and handed me a bottle of water. “Tell me what?” Sitting down he placed an arm over my shoulder and rubbed.

Turning towards him I smiled and said, “How much I missed you.” He leaned in and kissed me on the lips.

The second his lips touched mine Neil came walking in and said, “Hey, get a room for that stuff,” and I instantly stiffened.

I saw Jason look at me and knew that he saw but he looked over at Neil and said, “Oh, it was a little kiss on the lips, chill.”

Neil laughed and waved his arms, saying, “Forget about it,” but then he noticed Jade was in the room and turned towards her and said, “But I will not forget your beautiful face anytime soon doll.”

I didn’t get to hear Jade’s reply because Jason said, “Don’t even think about it dude. Big mistake.” Neil just laughed and turned on the television, settling on some movie.

I was too busy trying to figure out how I was going to tell Jason that I kind of zoned out while everybody else watched the movie but once it was over Jason got up and pulled me along with him into his room. Neil had a witty comment but I didn’t hear because of how loud my heart was pounding in my chest.

Once we reached his room Jason closed the door behind him and said, “What’s going on, Ash?”

Those four words were my undoing and I just cried. I felt Jason’s arms wrap around me and I just cried even more. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my head into his chest while he settled his head on top of mine.

Rubbing his hands up and down my back he whispered, “It’s okay Ash. It’s okay.”

I broke away from him and said, “No, it’s not okay. This is just a huge mess and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to tell you.”

Walking up to me Jason looked into my eyes and said, “Alright Ash, what’s the matter? You’re really scaring me here.”

I lowered my head and took a deep breath. Lifting my head to look into Jason’s eyes I whispered, “I’m pregnant.”

I was starting to get really nervous because Ashlynn wasn’t texting me back and it had been two days since I dropped her off at her apartment. Jade would text me every once in a while telling me that Ashlynn was getting better, but something just wasn’t sitting right with me. I needed to hear her voice. I was just getting ready to leave my apartment to surprise Ash when there was a knock at my door.

Opening the door, I saw Ashlynn and Jade standing there and I couldn’t believe it. I was so relieved to see Ash and I just needed to kiss her. So I picked her up in my arms and walked us back into the apartment kissing her. I wanted to take her back to my room and have my way with her but there was something about the way she was acting that made me a little nervous. While I was happy to see my sister I just wanted some alone time with Ash.

I was just getting ready to sit down next to Ash when I heard Jade whisper, “It’s going to be okay but you have to tell him.”

My heart plummeted so I said, “Tell me what?”

Handing her the bottle of water and sitting down I could tell from her demeanor that something was way off. She was as stiff as a board and I could see her gnawing on her lower lip.

Turning to me she smiled and said, “How much I missed you.” I knew she wasn’t lying about missing me but I could tell something just wasn’t right and I needed to get to the bottom of it.

I was just about to ask her to come back to my room with me when Neil walked out and we started to watch a movie. Throughout the movie I kept peeking over at Ashlynn and she was either picking her nails or biting on her lower lip, which just made me scatter brained and I couldn’t take it anymore. The movie barely finished before I was pulling her up from the couch and dragging her back to my room. My brain had gotten the worst of me and I started thinking that maybe she wanted to break up with me or she cheated on me or something awful.

I could hear her breathing heavily behind me and once we got in my room I closed the door and turned to her. “What’s going on, Ash?” I had to know what the fuck was going on.

I didn’t think I said it too rudely but she just broke down in tears. She began to hiccup and I just ran over to her and hugged her.

I tried to calm her down saying, “It’s okay Ash. It’s okay,” but she pushed me away from her and said, “No, it’s not okay. This is just a huge mess and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to tell you.”

I knew she was going to break up with me and I didn’t think I could take it anymore. I just wanted her to come clean about it. As much as it would completely suck I had to hear her say it. Her back was against my bedroom wall so I walked over and caged her in. “Alright Ash, what’s the matter? You’re really scaring me.”

She lowered head and let out a breath and then whispered, “I’m pregnant.”

My jaw dropped open and I looked at her. I didn’t know what else to do. Her face started to scrunch up and she started shifting her weight from foot to foot. Blinking a few times I said, “I’m sorry but what did you just say Ash?”

A little bit louder she said, “I’m pregnant, Jason.”

I dropped my arms to my side and just started walking backwards toward the bed. I needed to sit down as soon as possible or I thought I might pass out. As soon as I sat down I put my head in my hands and said, “I can’t.”

I mean what the fuck was I supposed to
do? I had just come to the conclusion that it was going to be okay to date Ashlynn and I wouldn’t mess it up, but kids? I sure as hell wasn’t ready for that. And as much as my dad said I wouldn’t be like him there was still that small amount of me that questioned whether I would treat my own kids like that some day. I knew I couldn’t fast forward time and look into the future so I just figured I would cut the family ties and not risk it. I couldn’t live with myself if I ever treated my own kids the way my dad treated Jade and I growing up.

Before I knew it I was lifting my head towards Ash’s direction but she wasn’t there. I quickly got up from the bed and ran out into the living room but the only person out there was Neil who was sitting at the breakfast bar with the same look I had on my face.

Jaw dropped and eyes wide open.

Running over to him I yelled, “Where are they?”

Neil blinked and looked at me. “They left dude. Ashlynn was in tears and Jade looked pissed beyond belief.”

I walked over and fell on the couch leaning my head back. I didn’t know what the fuck I was supposed to do. This was all just happening so damn fast. I heard Neil walk over to the fridge and grab two bottles of beer. Walking over to me he handed me one and then took a sip of his own. I lifted the bottle to my lips and chugged the whole thing down. After setting the bottle down on the end table I leaned back and closed my eyes.