31 Days of Winter (32 page)

‘No,’ he responded sharply, but it wasn’t the way
he said it that pierced my heart, it was that word “no.” This was good though,
I needed to know that we weren’t in the same place, that we wanted different
things, that we could never work. I couldn’t go back to London fantasising
about a life I could have had with him, a life he obviously didn’t want.

‘Are you gifted in bed?’

‘Amazingly.’ I looked up at him and he had a huge
grin on his face.

‘Yet you choose to waste that gift?’

‘It’s not midnight Ellie, you’re out of
questions.’

‘But you virtually gave me nothing,’ I protested.

‘You ask your questions wrong.’

‘What do you mean? I know what I want to ask.’

‘Yes, but you give me the option to give a one
word answer most of the time, like your last three questions.’ I looked at him
puzzled. ‘So you, have you, did you, are you? With all of those I can answer
with a yes or no. Simple.’

‘So how do I ask you questions where you tell me
more?’

‘I’m not going to help you, Ellie. Figure it out and
you may get
some
answers that you’re looking for.’

‘You’re so infuriating,’ I scowled with a pout. He
quickly leaned over and pulled my bottom lip out.

‘You’re very sexy with that scowl and pout. But I
like your dimples better, sweet cheeks.’ He let go as I took a shocked gasp of
air in. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called you that, it was a personal name
for you and your dad.’

‘I just … no one’s ever called me that other than
him.’

‘I didn’t mean to upset you,’ he said sincerely.

‘I know you didn’t, I just wasn’t expecting it.’ I
turned around and gave my locket a caress, wondering what my dad would make of
Dan and if he’d have been upset. I served up dinner and we ate in silence until
he scraped the last of it off his plate.

‘Impeccable as ever Miss Baxter, though I did
prefer the mash off your finger,’ he winked. I smiled and cleared up and heard
the scrape of a chair and felt him behind me. He ran a hand along my shoulder
and my head automatically leaned onto it. ‘I’ve had a really great day Ellie,
thank you. I’m going to leave you in peace so you can have an early night. Call
me tomorrow if you want any company.’ I nodded and closed my eyes as he softly
kissed my hair, turned and walked to the door.

‘Dan,’ I called as I turned around to see him half
way out of it.

‘Yes?’

‘I had a really great day too, thank you. And I
love my tree.’

‘You’re welcome.’ He gave me a sad smile and
locked the door and disappeared. I wrapped my arms around myself and sighed
before turning off all the Christmas lights, covering the fire and heading up
to brush my teeth and climb into bed. I was immediately hit by his scent and
rolled over and grabbed the pillow he’d laid on last night and hugged it to me,
burying my face in it. I could really do with a chat with my best friend now,
but she was otherwise occupied and had big decisions of her own to make,
without me and my stupidly falling in love with the most complex man I’d ever
met.

‘Dan,’
I sighed as I fell asleep.

Dan

I lay in bed with my hands behind my head and a
stupid big grin on my face. I couldn’t remember being this happy in forever.
Just being around her lit me up, let alone having her touch me or kiss me. The
strength I’d had to resist throwing her down on the floor and tearing off her
clothes and sinking into her was unparalleled. I’d never held back before. I
saw someone I wanted, I pursued her relentlessly until I had her beneath me,
pleading with me to fuck her. There again, that very attitude was what had
gotten me into this mess in the first place, why I’d spent three years of my
life shut away from virtually anyone and everyone. I was sure that Ellie was
strong enough now to never go back to Zac, but I hated the thought of her
finding someone else, of her soft lips caressing theirs, her fingers stroking
the back of their neck in that way she’d done mine, that way that turned me on
even more. I knew the longer I spent with her the more I was likely to break,
to forget the reasons why I couldn’t be with her, why being with her would hurt
her if she ever discovered what I was hiding. Yet I couldn’t bear the thought
of staying away. She was only here for another couple of weeks and I wanted to
spend as much time with her as possible. Starting with a whole day together
tomorrow.

Ellie

I sat at the desk, trying
to concentrate on the six resumes John had sent over for me to vet and give my
opinion on, but all I could think about was my new found realisation that I was
in love with Dan. I’d sent Brooke an email, pleaded for an urgent facetime chat
as soon as she was free, as I was sure that she’d need to talk to me about her
own love triangle situation and hoped that she’d contact me soon. I made myself
another coffee and forced myself to focus and make notes on each of the
candidates for my job, before emailing my thoughts back to John ready for the
interviews he was carrying out tomorrow.

I sat back in my chair and looked out of the
window at the boathouse. I couldn’t bring myself to contact him, I was too
afraid that he’d be able to read my real feelings for him on my face and I
didn’t want him to know. I only saw it going one of two ways if he did, he’d
shut me out again or it would make things strained between us, and when I only
had two weeks left to enjoy being with him I wasn’t prepared for either option.
Staying in here, hiding away from him though was self-defeating, I was
depriving myself of valuable hours with him anyway. I wondered what he was
thinking, we’d had an amazing day together yesterday and then I’d got all weird
on him and now I hadn’t contacted him all morning.

I sighed, made myself a coffee and sat at my
laptop and started writing again. My novel was based on unrequited love,
inspired by watching Dan chopping logs with his muscular body rippling as he
worked. I gave myself a wry smile, unrequited love, ironic given that was
exactly the position I was in now. I was roused from the concentration of my
fingers flying across the keyboard by the phone ringing and let it play for a
while as I composed myself.

‘Hi,’ I answered.

‘Hi,’ he replied. One simple word. One word that
with the power of his voice behind it had my whole body feel as if a high
voltage current had just run through it. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You seemed really distracted last night and you
said you wanted to spend today together and I’ve been waiting all day for you
to ring me.’

‘I told you I had some resumes to look over for
work.’ O God, he had to make this harder by pretty much admitting he’d been
sitting by the phone waiting for me to call.

‘How long do they take? It’s already nearly
three.’

‘No? Seriously?’ I looked at my watch. God, he was
right.

‘You can talk to me, Ellie,’ he sighed. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Honestly, I’m fine. I’m sorry, I just got carried
away with work and writing.’

‘Well, Pete the Pub is sending the snow plough
down tomorrow to clear the lane so I can get out. Will you need anything?’

‘But the loch’s still frozen.’

‘I tested it this morning, it’s solid enough for
me to walk over to the car once Pete digs it out.’

‘Are you sure?’ I tried to keep the panic out of
my voice.

‘Yes.’

‘You’re going to that town?’ I asked hesitantly,
it was obvious that since he’d been unable to go he was noticeably more relaxed
and happy.

‘No, they’ve not fully cleared the mountain road
yet, but some of the farmers have stocked the shop with potatoes and meat, and
the bakery’s still producing. If you give me a list I can pick up supplies
tomorrow. You could come if you want?’ I could hear the hope in his voice,
which only made it harder for me to say no, but I wasn’t quite ready to see
him. I wanted to talk to Brooke first, get her opinion on how to handle this
damn mess I’d gotten myself into.

‘Sorry, I need to get on with my novel. We agreed that
on week days we’d stick with our routines.’

‘Yes, but we’d agreed to spend today together. Were
you even going to ring me?’ Now he’d switched to annoyed and I was hit with a
pang of guilt.

‘I told you, I just lost track of time.’

‘If you’d prefer not to see me you can just come
out and say it, Ellie,’ he snapped. ‘Don’t make bloody excuses.’

‘I’m sorry, it’s just not a good time, I’m in the
middle of stuff.’
Trying to deal with my totally inappropriate feelings for
you.

‘Then I’m sorry to have troubled you Miss Baxter,
I’ll leave you in peace,’ he said coldly and hung up the phone, leaving me
feeling worse than I had before he rang.

I carried on writing until seven, headed downstairs
and poured myself a glass of wine and lit all the Christmas lights and made a
fire. I debated cooking, but I couldn’t face eating. Dan was going to have to
make do with his usual Pot Noodle or sandwiches. I grabbed the book I’d nearly
finished and picked up where I’d left off. At nine my phone started vibrating
and I nearly screamed with happiness to see that it was Brooke.

‘Babe, what’s going on?’ she asked immediately as
her face came into view.

‘Brooke, I’ve really missed you.’

‘And I’ve missed you too, but you sent out a
distress signal. Talk to me.’

‘You first.’

‘Uh huh,’ she exclaimed with a shake of her head.
‘You’re always dealing with my latest conquest crisis, you hardly ever offload
on me about yours. Spit it out, what the hell’s got you all worked up?’

‘You’ll think I’m crazy,’ I sighed rubbing my
forehead and wishing I had my iPad so I could prop it up instead of having to
hold my phone.

‘Babe, hello this is me, I live in crazy. Me and
crazy are seriously old friends,’ she laughed and I raised my shoulders in a
silent one. I filled her in on my wonderful day with Dan yesterday and then
took a deep breath.

‘He was kissing me Brooke, a seriously amazing and
tender kiss and then he said “please don’t hate me” when he was telling me he
couldn’t take things further, and I said “I don’t hate you” and then … O God …
then … I …’ I stopped at the thought of it.

‘
What?’
interrupted Brooke, her face was so
close on my phone it was like the scene from the film
The Ring
, where
the scary wet woman crawled out of the TV to attack.

‘In my head I said … I love you.’

‘
Noooo?’
she exclaimed with a gasp and sat
back.

‘Yes,’ I nodded firmly and covered my eyes with
one hand, knowing how preposterous it sounded after two weeks of meeting him.

‘You’re
in love with him?’
she asked.

‘Yes,’ I whispered still too embarrassed to look
at her.

‘In love with the guy who won’t have sex, commit,
talk about his past, and may as well live in North Alaska for the distance
between there and London?’ her voice full of disbelief. I nodded and finally
dropped my hand to let her see that I knew it was ridiculous. ‘Shit, babe,’ she
sighed with a shake of her head. ‘I mean, I know he looks … like he does, hot
with a capital H, but damn, his kissing and oral technique must be off the
charts if he can make you fall in love with him from those two things alone.’

‘You say you’re in love with Molly after a few
days Brooke, besides it’s not just his face, body and all that other stuff.
Sometimes I see glimpses of the guy he really is under all that armour and he’s
the sweetest, most caring and protective guy I’ve ever met. And when he’s not
infuriating me with his closed off side, he makes me feel so good about myself.
Being around him makes me stronger and have more belief in myself.’

‘You haven’t told him have you?’

‘Hell no, I’ve fallen inappropriately in love not
had a lobotomy,’ I replied with a
seriously?
look at her.

‘So how are you handling it? Well, obviously
you’re not handling
it
as he won’t let it get that far …’ she faltered
with a dazed look on her face. ‘You’d need two hands to handle
that
and
maybe some snake wrestling training, even in his boxers it looks a lethal
weapon. He should name it Riggs after Mel’s character.’

‘Brooke,’ I laughed, ‘so
not
the time for
inappropriate discussions, this is serious.’

‘I know, but seriously, can you imagine what it
would be like?’

‘O
trust
me, I’ve imagined plenty of
times,’ I groaned as I felt my core ignite at the mere thought of him. ‘But
that doesn’t help with my current dilemma. I’ve been so embarrassed and worried
he’d find out that I’ve hidden from him all day and he rang earlier to see if I
was ok and sounded really hurt, then put the phone down on me when I said I was
busy.’

‘Come home. You can’t stay up there with him like
this babe, it’ll be torture for you and him by the sounds of it.’

‘I can’t come home, Brooke. The only way we can
get off the island is by walking across frozen ice, which I’m not doing, let
alone lugging my case behind me. Even if we got across the main roads are shut
and at the moment there are no flights until Saturday the fourth, which I’ve
already changed mine to, but that’s if the weather’s cleared up. I’m stuck
here,’ I groaned as the realisation of how hard this was going to be hit me.
Another two weeks of avoiding him wasn’t going to work.

‘What do you want out of this, Ellie?’ she asked,
suddenly turning all serious. ‘Where do you see this going with him?’

‘I don’t know Brooke, all I know is I’ve developed
really intense feelings for him and I want to get to know the man inside better,
the man he thinks I’ll run screaming from. I don’t care about the distance
thing, I mean I’d sacrifice seeing him for weeks at a time if I knew I could
spend one weekend with him like the few good days we’ve spent together.’

‘You say that now Ellie, but when you’re back in
London and you’ve got a new life to focus on, a new house, new job, things may
change. Maybe you’ll fall back into life in the city and forget all about him,
he’ll just be that almost winter fling that you’ll look back on fondly and
you’ll find someone more emotionally and physically available.’

‘Maybe,’ I sighed, ‘but I don’t see it happening.
Even if I did try and move on, I just have this feeling that every guy I looked
at I’d compare to him and none would come up to scratch. I’m going to die a
lonely spinster and be eaten by my cats.’

‘Don’t be
ridiculous
, you don’t even have
cats,’ she smiled, trying to lighten the mood. ‘You’d die from gluttony after
gorging on ice cream and chocolate to fill the void in your life.’

‘Thanks, Brooke.’ I gave her a half-smile.

‘God Ellie, I wasn’t sure you were serious, but
you are, aren’t you? You’ve really fallen for him.’

‘So hard my arse is bruised, possibly even broken,’
I nodded.

‘You’ve just got to get through the next two weeks
and then you’ll be home and we can start trying to get him out of your system.
I’ll use his picture to start vetting guys for you that match up to his level
of hotness, but I’m telling you I have my work cut out for me.’

‘You most definitely will,’ I nodded, unsure
anyone would live up to my high expectations, he’d just ruined it for all other
men on the face of the planet. ‘I’m tired of talking about me, please tell me where
you’re at. How was your ménage?’

‘Eh?’

‘Your ménage, how did it go?’

‘What’s horse riding got to do with it? You know
I’m no good with animals.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘What are
you
talking about? I’ve not been
near any menage or seriously scary horses.’

‘Brooke,’ I laughed. ‘Not a horse training menage
area, a ménage à trois, a threesome.’

‘O, look at you all fancy editor with your big
vocabulary. There was a horse of sorts, Steve’s reasonably hung,’ she giggled,
then she sighed and looked at me all seriously. ‘O my God Ellie, it was
so
freakin’
hot,’ she groaned. ‘He’s filling me while I have my face buried in Molly, then
she moves to start licking me while he’s pounding me from behind. I’m amazed
the neighbours didn’t call the police I was screaming so loud.’

‘So what now?’ I asked with a slight shudder as
the thought of it brought back memories of me walking in on Zac and his two
hookers.

‘Both of them gave me until Steve’s next planned
visit to decide who I want to be with.’

‘And?’

‘God, it’s so hard,’ she groaned. ‘I mean Steve’s got
a decent sized cock and knows how to fuck, but I only get to see him every
other weekend. Molly can get me off quicker than anyone, I get to spend time
with her whenever we want but I lose all the perks of being with a guy that can
afford to treat me really well.’

‘Brooke, it’s not about the money and where
someone takes you. If you want a relationship instead of regular sex on a
plate, you need to think about who makes you happy without all that stuff. Set
the money and sex aside, who do you light up around? Who makes you feel like
you’re the most special girl ever because of simple words and gestures? If
neither of them do then they’re not your happy ever after, they’re just pit
stops along the way. Trust me, I know this now and Zac was a pit stop.’