31 Days of Winter (27 page)

Ellie

The day went pretty much
like the last few. I tried to venture outside for a walk, but the knee deep
snow was now frozen and I kept slipping on it without proper boots, so I stayed
in and typed all day, in between stressing about whether I should ring Zac and
tell him it was over, or wait until I saw him in person. He made me laugh again
with his daily email.

Reason five. You’re so beautiful. Zac xx

Before I knew it I was at the range cooking dinner
again. I rang Dan’s number and he picked up immediately, as if he’d been
sitting there waiting for it to ring.

‘Hi,’ came his voice, which caressed me with the
lightest of touches, like a feather running over my bare skin.
Damn him!

‘Dinner’s ready, but I keep falling over on the
icy snow in my boots. I’ll put it outside now and you can come and pick it up.
It’s Spaghetti Bolognese.’

‘I could just knock the door when I get there.
That’s not unprofessional.’

‘Fine,’ I sighed. It did seem a bit mean sticking
it out on a plate, like he was a dog or something.

‘I’ll be there shortly.’

He wasn’t wrong, less than five minutes later I
looked up and saw him, having left the outside light on for him. My stomach
flipped to see his smiling face, so I bit my lip hard to refocus on the fact
that this was Dan’s alter ego, the real Dan was the one who infuriated me with
his lack of sharing, distance and formality. I carried his covered plate over
to the door and opened it and stretched it out in my hand.

‘Here you are,’ I tried to avoid looking at his
face.

‘Thank you, it smells great. How are you?’

‘I’m fine thank you, very busy though.’ Damn it,
why did he have to be all nice and
smell
so good himself?

‘You want me to leave you in peace?’ he sounded
hurt and I looked quickly up at his face.

‘Sorry, nothing personal, I’m just on a roll with
my writing.’

‘You don’t want to ask me a question? You have
four now.’

‘Not tonight, thank you,’ I replied with a shake
of my head and looked down again. I needed him to go, before I launched myself
at him and forgot all reason.

‘Will I see you tomorrow?’ Damn it, he sounded so
hopeful and it hurt to refuse him flat out.

‘I don’t know yet.’

‘I’ll come and clear some of the snow if you want
to try getting out again?’

‘I’m fine thanks, I think I’ll just stay in and
write.’

‘As you wish,’ he replied with a heavy sigh. I was
starting to hate that phrase.

‘Is there anything else? I really need to get on.’

‘No, nothing. Goodnight, Ellie.’ He was still
lingering.

‘Goodnight.’ I closed the door, leaving the light
on for him as I grabbed my plate and headed upstairs to eat at the desk. I
watched as I saw him enter his place, with a look back up at me.

I went and tried to relax with a hot bath and an
early night with my earphones in listening to some music to try and drown out
the millions of thoughts of this complex man that were rattling around in my
brain.

Ellie

I rubbed my eyes at the
desk. I’d hardly slept all night, I felt bad at the way things were between Dan
and I, and I’d been worrying about the fact that I knew it was over with Zac
and he didn’t. I really didn’t want to do it by email, nor phone, but it felt
so wrong leaving him hanging, even after what he’d done to me. I checked
another email from him.

Reason six. You’re sexy. Zac xx

‘What are you on?’ I yelled at my screen. If I was
as sexy, beautiful, and as good in bed as he was making out, why the hell had
he slept with other women?

It was mid-afternoon and I watched as Dan ventured
out onto the ice with a stick. I sat with my heart in my mouth as he made it
about a third of the way across.
What was he doing?
What if he fell
through? How would I help him or raise the alarm? It would be too late, if he
went into the cold water he’d probably freeze to death in minutes. I slumped
back in my chair with a heavy sigh of relief to see him turn back and make it
to the shore, with a quick glance up at me, before he headed back inside. I
rang his number.

‘Ell … Miss Baxter. How can I help you?’

‘I need to make a personal call and may be on the
phone for a long time. Will that be a problem?’

‘Not at all. The two properties are on separate
numbers.’

‘I’ll quite happily pay for the cost of the call,
it’s to London and I made another to the property agents the other day.’

‘No payment required.’

‘But I’m already getting a really good deal I
don’t want to take advantage.’

‘If anything I owe you more money, for feeding me.
As soon as I can get out to get some cash I’ll repay you.’

‘No need. If I wasn’t here I’d be feeding Zac at
home anyway. Sorry to have troubled you. I’ll try and bring your dinner down
later.’ I went to hang up and heard him call my name. ‘What?’ I sighed.

‘What am I having tonight?’

‘A beouf bourginoine with crushed new potatoes.’

‘Sounds delicious.’

‘It will be.’

‘You’re an excellent cook.’

‘Thank you.’ I couldn’t bring myself to carry on
the self-flattery and say “I know” like he would.

‘You should become a professional chef.’

‘What are you doing?’ I asked, puzzled.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You know what I mean. Buttering me up like a
slice of toast and being all interested in me. We agreed.’

‘We agreed that we could be friends.’

‘That was BSA.’

‘BSA?’ he asked, sounding puzzled.

‘Before Stan arrived, your cold alter ego. Bye.’ I
quickly put the phone down and swore. I really wasn’t sure I could keep this
up. I missed him,
really
missed him like he’d been a massive part of my
life for years, not that we’d only met two weeks ago, and I’d spent more time
with his seriously frustrating side than his amazing one. I logged online and
searched for the earliest available flight home, right now I didn’t care if I had
to crawl on my stomach across that ice and leave all my belongings behind, I
couldn’t keep this up. I groaned when I saw that all flights had been
suspended, the earliest one out was on Saturday 4
^th
January, subject
to the weather following predicted patterns, only two days earlier than my
original flight, but even two days and nights was two less of torturing myself
with him a stone’s throw away. I booked it and cancelled my original flight. The
landline rang and I groaned again, debating answering it, but knowing him if I
didn’t pick it up he’d come to find me. ‘What?’

‘You’re really angry with me.’

‘Yes ... no ... I don’t know,’ I sighed.

‘You are.’

‘Fine, yes I am. Can I go now?’

‘I’d like to come and eat with you tonight.’

‘I’d rather you don’t. I’m sorry but I have a call
that I really need to make.’

‘What can I do to apologise?’ he asked softly.

‘Nothing, you were upfront from the start that you
didn’t want to cross the line and couldn’t give me what I wanted. I should’ve
listened.’

‘What if I was wrong?’ I gulped and closed my
eyes. He was breaking me, again.

‘Then I’ll let you in, you’ll be all nice again
and just when we’re getting on really well you’ll shut down on me again. Thanks,
but no thanks.’

‘God damn it Ellie, this isn’t easy for me,’ he
snapped with a raised voice.

‘Me neither. I’ll bring your dinner down later.
Bye.’

I couldn’t face another emotionally draining
conversation quite yet, so I went down and put all the dinner ingredients in
the slow cooker for dinner before going to watch
Kick Ass 2
to make me
laugh, which cheered me up. I put the potatoes to cook on a low heat and made
myself a seriously strong Baileys coffee and retreated to the lounge. After
making myself comfortable on the sofa I took a deep breath and dialled my home
number, my old home number.

‘Hello,’ came Zac’s voice and I froze. I used to
love hearing his voice. Five years,
five years
together and it was ended
with this phone call, or was Brooke right, it really had ended a long time ago.
‘
Ellie? Is that you?’

‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have rung you. I’ll see
you in a few weeks.’

‘El don’t go, please don’t hang up,’ he begged.
“El”
no one called me that but him and it suddenly sounded so harsh to my ears, at
least he hadn’t called me hun or honey. I’d always hated that. ‘Honey, I really
miss you,’ he whined as I screwed up my face.

‘I’ve got to tell you before you say anything else,
I
hate
that nickname.’

‘El?’

‘Honey and hun.’

‘You’ve always loved me calling you that.’

‘No, I didn’t, and being the dutiful girlfriend I
never told you, I didn’t want to upset you. How ironic is that given what I
walked in on that Friday?’

‘What’s happened to you, you’re different,’ he
exclaimed.

‘You happened to me Zac, you made a mockery out of
me and our relationship.’

‘And I’ve apologised, I fucked up big style, I
know that. I’m just so glad you’ve called to work it out. Come home El, come
home now, I miss you,’ he sighed.

‘Zac, I’m so sorry but I’m not calling to work it
out and I really didn’t want to do this over the phone but …’

‘No!’ he yelled. ‘You don’t get to end it like
this, I deserve a chance, a chance to explain.’

‘What could you possibly say to me that would make
me forgive you, Zac? You lied to me, you cheated on me, you stole from me and
worst of all you put me at risk. I had to go to an STD clinic myself to make
sure
I’ve
not been infected with anything. So
please
tell me what
you think would ever make me forgive you?’

‘You don’t know the stress I was under El, please
honey.’

‘STOP honeying me. We were a couple Zac, engaged
to be married. I asked you every night how your day had been, every night you
had the opportunity to tell me and you didn’t. I can understand you being
stressed, I can understand you acting out with the sex and the drugs, hell I could
probably even forgive that, but there’s no excuse for keeping me in the dark,
not after so long together.’

‘Come on El, I was fucked financially. I did
everything I could to get out of it. I even mortgaged the fucking apartment for
half a million to try and dig myself out of some of the worst losses. You’d
have wanted me then? You’d have still wanted me when I lost the apartment, had
to sell the Porsche, and stop buying you things and paying for nice holidays?’

‘Don’t you even think about making out that all I
was interested in was your money Zac, or did you forget where I grew up? What
pressure I put myself under to get through Uni? If it was just about bagging a
guy with money I could have gone off with any of a hundred or so sleaze bags
that were touching me up every night in the Casino. Don’t make out like I’m a
shallow bimbo who fed off you.’

‘I’m sorry El, I’m just … you’re breaking up with
me for fucks sake. Over the bloody phone. I didn’t even deserve it in person?’

‘I know it seems a cowards way out Zac, but I’m sure.
I’m one hundred percent sure that I can never forgive you for deceiving me and
lying to me for so long, so for me it’s over. I didn’t want to leave you
hanging, waiting for me to come home in another few weeks with false hope of a
reconciliation. I didn’t mean to hurt you like this.’

‘Tit for tat, hey?’ I heard him weakly laugh, then
I heard him sob.

‘Zac, please don’t cry, this can’t be a shock to
you? You left
me
a long time ago and I hung on, even though I was
unhappy, waiting for you to share. We’ve been drifting towards this for a long
time.’

‘I feel like I’m fucking dying Ellie, I
love
you,
’ he moaned.

‘No Zac, you loved the idea of me, the perfectly
behaved girlfriend on your arm. I looked pretty, spoke well, I entertained your
clients at our place with nicely cooked meals. Did you even want to leave the city
and move to the country and have kids? And no more lies, I’ve had enough of
them, I’ve already gone so you’ve nothing to lose. Be honest with me for once,
be honest with yourself.’

‘I did love you El, I
do
love you, but no,
I really didn’t want to leave. I love it here, you do too, the parties, the
socialising.’

‘I loved it Zac, when I was younger and a bit more
carefree. I want a career, a serious career and I want children.’

‘Then I’ll do it for you Ellie, anything to keep
you.’

‘That’s just it Zac, I don’t want you to change to
make me happy, just like I shouldn’t give up what I want for you. I want you to
sort yourself out, keep going to rehab, if you ever were. Stop screwing around
and get yourself straight. You could make someone really happy.’

‘Were you never happy with me?’

‘Of course I was. Our first few years were great,
Zac. You were funny, charming, carefree, attentive and made me feel so special,
most girls would kill to have that from their guy. You don’t need the Porsche,
the business suits or the fancy apartment. Start again and just be you.’

‘Without you?’

‘Yes, without me. If you need help kicking the
drugs I’ll do what I can as a friend, but don’t read into that. You really hurt
me and betrayed my trust Zac, but I’m not heartless, I still care and I don’t
want to see you suffer.’

‘Fuck Ellie, can’t we just turn back the clock?
Only you could forgive me, only you could forgive a drunk driver who killed
your parents and pay a monthly allowance to his kid. I was a fucking fool to
fuck this up.’ I cringed as I heard him start crying again.
Why had I rung
him?
Maybe I should have waited and done it in person.

‘Zac, what’s done is done, ok? Maybe I was to
blame too. I didn’t see how unhappy you were, I should’ve pushed you harder for
answers.’

‘Don’t,’ he sniffed. ‘Don’t do that, don’t put
yourself down. You’ve been nothing but perfect from the moment I met you.’

‘If I was, you wouldn’t have slept with other
women, Zac,’ I said quietly. ‘Listen, this isn’t helping either of us. I’m
going to go, ok? I just didn’t want to leave you hanging, and if it helps you
can have the ring back if it pays off some of your debts.’

‘O God what have I done, El? You’re incredible! But
no, it’s yours, so keep it, I owe you so much more. I promise if I can sort
myself out I’m going to pay you back, but I’m not giving up on us Ellie, I’ve
already changed. You just need to give me more time.’

‘Zac, I …’ I gasped as I heard a woman’s voice in
the background shouting ‘
Zac baby, come back to bed.’

‘Fuck,’ he uttered with a panicked breath. ‘It’s
not what it sounded like Ellie, I…’

‘No Zac, it’s exactly what it sounded like, and to
think I was starting to feel sorry for you and wanted to be there for you as a
friend. Well, I’ll let you hear how things sound from my end. It sounds like
fuck
you arsehole
,’ I hissed and cut him off then burst into tears. I didn’t
even know why I was crying. I’d rung to end it with him, I didn’t even want him
back. I just felt so stupid, for really believing that he wasn’t lying to me
again, for still caring and wanting to help him. I was suddenly aware of
sizzling and realised the potatoes were boiling over. I got up, ran over and
yanked them off the hob then turned off the slow cooker and started crying
again. I leaned back on the island and put my hands over my eyes and heard a
knock at the door.

‘Not now, Dan,’ I yelled without even looking
around.

‘You’re crying,’ he called.

‘I said not now, please go away.’ I wiped my eyes
on my sleeves, and when he didn’t reply I plonked myself on a stool and bent
over the countertop. I decided I was going to cry until I had no more tears
left. I was going to cry any residual part of Zac’s betrayal still inside me
away. I felt Dan’s presence before I heard him, like an electric current
running through my body and all my hairs stood on end. I looked up and saw him
looking at me horrified, standing just inside the front door. Acting out of
pure instinct, and a need for his comfort, I got up and ran to him and jumped
up into his arms, flinging mine around his neck and tightening my legs around
his waist as I buried my face in his neck and sobbed.