31 Days of Winter (24 page)

‘You know what I mean.’

‘Yes. And you are Ellie, just by being here and
being you.’

‘It’s not enough,’ I whispered as I looked up at
him.

‘It is for me, for now. It’s a lot for me. Please
accept that.’

‘Lift up your hand, please.’ I decided to focus on
non-emotional stuff, I’d already managed to get him to relax today, one step at
a time. I wrapped the bandage around his knuckles, down around his wrist and
then halfway up his fingers to try and stop him from moving his joints too
much, giving the wounds time to scab and heal.

‘How am I supposed to do anything with my hand
secured like this?’ he asked with a frown.

‘You can still flex the top of your fingers,
you’ll just have to use your left hand for everything else,’ I advised as I put
it back on his knee and he gave me a naughty smile. ‘I wasn’t talking about
that.
’

‘You watched me earlier.’

‘Well, you weren’t exactly discrete about it,’ I
replied as I went scarlet and quickly stood up.

‘I told you you’d pushed me to the brink, I had to
release some tension. This aggressive way isn’t as effective,’ he advised with
a wave of his bandaged hand.

‘Well, it’s best you don’t do the non-aggressive
tension release with either hand in front of me again.’

‘Did you like watching?’ he asked as he stood up
next to me.

‘It wasn’t the worst sight I’ve seen, but you were
too far away to see anything properly. Please, can we change the topic of
conversation?’ I walked away with the first aid kit and repacked it at the sink
and silently cursed him as I closed the lid. I was turned on again, it was like
I was hypersensitive to any form of stimulus with him, sight, touch, smell,
sound, even memory.

‘You’re turned on.’

‘Yes,’ I whispered breathlessly. ‘So please stop.’
I left him in the bathroom and ran downstairs, I needed something else to focus
on other than the longing in my body for his touch again. I got the beef and
fresh vegetables out and placed them on the island and watched out of the
corner of my eye as he came down the stairs.

‘Where did you learn to cook?’ he asked as he sat
at the island facing me.

‘My mum had lots of jobs when I was growing up, so
if we had enough money to buy decent food, instead of stuff on toast, I was the
one at home who had the time to do the cooking.’

‘You had a difficult childhood?’

‘No. Just a relatively poor one, millions of
people are worse off than we were. We had a roof over our heads and didn’t go
hungry even if the food was a bit repetitive.’

‘No brothers or sisters?’

‘No. They decided they wanted me to have the
chance to make a life for myself and having another child would mean splitting
what little time, attention, and money they did have. Are you just going to sit
watching me? Or would you like to learn to cook for yourself at the same time?’

‘You want me to do stuff?’ he looked at me in
amazement.

‘Don’t tell me you’re one of these chauvinists who
believes that only a woman should do housework and cooking?’

‘Well no, but I’ve never had to do that stuff
before, hence my living on bread and ding meals.’

‘Ping meals. You’ve never done it because your
millions of women did it all for you?’

‘When I was attached, yes. Plus I didn’t see where
the enjoyment was in doing it.’

‘Wow, you just answered a personal question. I am
making progress,’ I smiled as I looked at him. ‘Well not many people would
enjoy cleaning, but cooking is really enjoyable, so get up and get around here,
it’s not a spectator sport.’ I made us both a black coffee and we spent an hour
standing side by side as I showed him how to prepare the meat and I put it in
the oven to start. He watched me peel and chop potatoes, carrots and parsnips,
with him using his hand as an excuse not to participate. I made him put all the
Yorkshire pudding batter ingredients into a bowl and took over from him and put
the veg into roast and left the Yorkshire pudding mixture in the tins at the
side, ready to put in near the end. ‘I think we’re done. See, easy.’

‘You make it look easy.’ He reached out his left
hand and as it came towards my face I took a quick step back.

‘What are you doing?’

‘You have flour on your cheek.’

‘I’ve got it,’ I replied and wiped with my hand.

‘Other cheek,’ he smiled and I moved my hand. ‘No,
you’ve still missed it. Let me.’

‘I’d prefer you don’t touch me,’ I replied as I skipped
away from his advancing body and headed for the downstairs toilet.

‘Why?’

‘You know why. Skin on skin just gets us in a
mess.’

‘How about if I wear gloves?’

‘You don’t wear gloves.’

‘I would if it meant I could touch you again.’

‘I have some oven gloves over there, knock
yourself out,’ I nodded as I went into the utility and closed the door and
heard him laugh. When I came back out he was trying to lay the fire with his
left hand, so I made him instruct me as I did it and got it going. I opened a
bottle of red and we sat at the island drinking and listening to my iPhone
music on shuffle and found that we were able to have a normal conversation
about our music and film tastes. He liked watching films, just wasn’t
interested in television programmes. I plated up dinner when it was ready and
looked at him every time I put something on his plate, waiting for him to tell
me when I’d done enough. I’d never met anyone with a hunger for food like Dan. ‘Dessert?’
I asked after he’d cleared his plate.

‘No thank you, that was amazing.’

‘I’ve enough to plate you up another dinner for
tonight.’

‘What about you?’

‘I can’t eat again after that late lunch, I’ll
just have some fruit later.’

‘Then I’d love another plateful for later. I have
a big appetite.’

‘I’ve seen.’

‘For all things,’ he added with a quick flex of
his eyebrows and a twinkle in his eye.

‘I can imagine.’

‘Do you imagine?’

‘Imagine what?’ Pretty sure what he was meaning,
but I didn’t want to make another fool of myself.

‘Me, when you’re getting yourself off with your
vibrator.’

‘Dan,’ I scolded. That was exactly what I thought
he meant.

‘You do.’

‘I didn’t actually reply.’

‘Didn’t have to. You’ve gone pink.’

‘It’s the wine.’

‘Don’t lie.’

‘Fine, yes you may have made a cameo or two,’ I
grabbed my glass and the bottle, then stalked off to the lounge and sat in the
corner of the large leather sofa and put my feet up.

‘Just one or two? You’ve featured in many of mine.’

‘I’m flattered, but I thought we agreed that the
topic of sex was off limits as friends.’

‘You talk about sex to Brooke,’ he replied as he
sat down in the opposite corner, one leg hitched up so he could face me.

‘Brooke’s my best friend, and there’s no sexual
chemistry with us.’

‘There’s sexual chemistry with us,’ he stated
confidently with a smile.

‘I know there is, which is why it should be off
limits.’

‘Then what do you suggest we talk about.’

‘I’ll go get the list,’ I grinned and leapt off
the sofa and ran upstairs to grab it off the printer.

‘Seriously? We’ve had a great day and you want to
talk work?’ He called up.

‘You’re on the clock twenty-four-seven Dan, and
nothing today has exactly been hard for you,’ I called back down.

‘Trust me. It’s been hard plenty of times.’

‘Banned topic,’ I yelled as I grabbed the paper
and heard his laugh rise up through the building. I went back down to find he’d
removed his boots and socks and had stretched his long legs across the sofa.
‘Where am I supposed to sit?’

‘Where you were before, but stretch out like me.
Can you cope with our legs touching?’

‘I think so,’ I nodded, totally unsure. I was
careful not to sit on his feet and tucked mine up by his thigh and giggled when
he put his hand out and clasped one. ‘Stop it.’

‘Your feet are cold,’ he advised as he suddenly
bent one knee and moved his leg over so I was between them. ‘Tuck them under my
thighs.’

‘Fine,’ I sighed and slid my feet slightly under
his thighs and bottom and he did the same under mine, making me laugh.

‘You have adorable dimples.’

‘My dad used to call me sweet cheeks,’ I smiled.

‘Sweet cheeks,’ he repeated as he looked intently
at me. ‘It suits you. You miss him?’

‘Every day,’ I nodded, ‘Mum too.’

‘Can you talk about it?’

‘Yes, it was a while ago.’

‘What happened?’

‘They were coming back from food shopping one
night and a lorry driver ploughed through some red lights into them. He’d been
drinking, was over the limit and his reactions were impaired.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Did they suffer?’

‘I’m told not, they said that it was instant, but
I think they’d tell you that to spare you the pain anyway,’ I replied as I
subconsciously reached for my locket and caressed it in my finger and thumb.

‘How did you cope?’

‘I didn’t at first. I was coming up to twenty-two,
you’d think I’d have had more emotional control, but we were so close,’ I wiped
a tear from my eye. ‘I was angry for a long time at the lorry driver.’

‘What happened to him?’

‘He died as well, not at the scene, but later in
hospital.’

‘You’re not angry with him now?’

‘No,’ I shrugged with a shake of my head.

‘How can you not be? He took your loved ones from
you.’

‘I know that, you think I don’t know that?’ I
winced as I realised how harsh I sounded. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.’

‘It’s ok. It’s a painful topic for you.’

‘It is,’ I nodded and wiped my eyes again. ‘Turns
out he’d been drinking because he’d just found out that his wife had terminal
cancer. It was a one off, he wasn’t really a drinker, but he needed something
to take the edge off. It was just a horrible convergence of events.’

‘So you forgave him, just like that?’ he asked,
looking at me with a puzzled frown.

‘Not just like that, no. He took everything from
me, but he had a son. A six year old son who was left fatherless and within
three months motherless too. Imagine being an orphan at that tender age? My
heart ached for him, because I knew exactly how he was feeling, but I was
mature enough to rationalise it, to try and cope with it better. He wasn’t.’ I
covered my eyes as I started to cry, proper tears that I hadn’t shed in ages. I
suddenly felt myself being lifted as Dan picked me up in his arms and sat down
in my place with me on his lap and hugged me to him, stroking my hair as I
cried.

‘Let it out Ellie, it’s going to be ok,’ he
whispered as he soothed me.

‘I’m so sorry,’ I sobbed.

‘Don’t be. I get it.’

We sat in silence, with the exception of my sobs
and his whispered
‘Sssshhhhs’
and I focused on the feeling of security I
felt with his strong arms wrapped around me, that firm chest pressed up against
my cheek and his smell, which was so comforting. I nuzzled my face into the
curve of his neck and shoulder and he lay his head on top of mine as I sniffed
and he rummaged one of his cotton handkerchiefs out for me. I wiped my eyes and
looked down at it, it was a posh monogrammed one, with a fancy navy blue letter
D
, for Dan.

‘Thank you,’ I whispered as I stopped crying and
lay there on him, unwilling to move.

‘You’re welcome.’

‘All part of the service?’

‘Definitely not. You get VIP treatment, Miss
Baxter. Is your locket your mothers?’

‘Yes, how did you know?’

‘You touch it when you talk about them,’ he
shrugged. I struggled upright, my back against the sofa arm, his arms still
around my waist.

‘It was one of the few things I got when the house
was cleared out.’

‘What’s inside?’

‘It has room for two small pictures. Do you want
to see?’

‘Only if that’s ok with you?’

‘I wouldn’t offer if it wasn’t,’ I smiled as I
opened it and held it up for him to look. He let go of me with his right arm
and reached up, his fingers resting on mine as he angled it better.

‘You have a picture of the two of them together.
Your mum was beautiful, I can see the family resemblance.’

‘Thanks,’ I blushed. ‘She was pregnant with me at
the time and kept a small lock of my hair in there too.’

‘You haven’t put a photo in the second aperture.’

‘No, there was one of me, but I took it out. I
wanted to put someone else that I loved just as much in there.’

‘But it’s empty.’

‘I know. I guess I already knew deep down that I
didn’t love the arsehole enough,’ I smiled and he laughed.

‘I hope you find someone to put in there Ellie
Baxter, someone worthy of being next to your parents,’ he said with a serious
look on his face as he let go of my fingers and the locket and smudged the
tears under my eyes with his thumb.

‘Me too,’ I whispered as I held his gaze, but he
broke it.

‘I told you that you were brave. I couldn’t have
forgiven that driver in your shoes.’

‘Hate’s a horrible thing to hold onto, Dan. It was
a tragic accident, but at the end of the day everyone’s human. You can’t expect
people to not screw up now and again, and where would we be if we never forgave
each other for our mistakes?’

‘You’re too nice, Ellie.’

‘I’m realistic, I don’t want all that anger in me
eating me up every day. I had to choose between holding onto it forever and it
taking up a huge part of my life, or forgiving him and letting it go and trying
to make the best of my life in spite of it.’

‘You’re amazing,’ he whispered as he looked back
up at me and I took a sharp breath to see he had a tear in his eye. I reached
over and kissed his cheek, then wiped the stray tear for him this time, but he
quickly blinked and stiffened up, all of the soft emotion vanished from his
face in an instant.