31 Days of Winter (26 page)

Do you need me for anything?
Came his
immediate response.

No, thank you.

I felt bad being cold with him, but it wasn’t like
he’d left me with much of a choice. I spotted Zac’s email that I’d not opened
yet.

Reason Three. You’re an amazing cook. Zac xx

I burst out laughing. This was his idea of wooing
me back, telling me I was a great cook? That was a bonus for him, not for me. I
took my iPad and the champagne downstairs and lit a fire, I was nearly out of
logs, but no way was I asking Dan for any. I cooked some rice and ate my
casserole on my lap on the sofa and finished my book, before plating up Dan’s
and heading down to his. He opened the door immediately again and I swallowed
really hard, even though I was angry with him, it was so nice to see his face.
Not that I could see much of it under the extra lengthy stubble he was
sporting.

‘Ellie.’

‘Miss Baxter, Dan,’ I corrected. ‘Here’s your
dinner. Chicken and bacon casserole and rice. Make sure you heat it up really
well as reheated rice can cause stomach upsets.’

‘I will. Thank you, it smells delicious.’

‘It is.’ I commented, echoing some of his
confidence in his statements he’d made to me. ‘Well thanks again for the rental
assistance. Good night.’ I turned to go and he stepped out and caught my arm.

‘Don’t go.’

‘I have things to do.’

‘You’re being cold. This isn’t you,’ he sighed. I
frowned at him over my shoulder.

‘I’m giving out what I get Dan, and just because
we’ve spent some time together, don’t presume to think you know me. Enjoy your
meal. Goodnight.’ I shrugged off his hold on me and started walking and bit my
lip really hard to try and suppress the wave of tears that were battering the
back of my eye balls.
What the hell was wrong with me?
I was never this
emotional before I met him.

‘You haven’t asked me a question for two days,’ he
called after me, the hope evident in his voice.

‘What’s the point? You never answer the ones I
want you to anyway.’

Dan

I watched her leave and nearly chased after her. I
knew I was being unfair, jerking her around, hot one minute, cold the next, but
every time I got close to her something in my memory fired. Something that
reminded me why she was better off without me, something that reminded me why I
couldn’t be with her. She’d had enough crap in her life without getting
involved with a guy like me. She needed someone dependable, someone who would
make her his number one priority in life, someone who wouldn’t lie to her. I
didn’t want to lie, I’d gone through life trying to never lie, but if she found
out my secret she’d never look at me the same way again, the way that warmed me
from the inside out. Ellie Baxter was falling for me and she may not have
realised it yet, but I was falling with her. I’d screwed hundreds of women,
thousands maybe, but other than my mother I’d only ever loved one woman in my
life, Rebecca. I set my dinner on the table outside and slumped down in a
chair, covering my face with my hands. Ellie reminded me so much of Rebecca
that it was heart-warming to see her smiling face, but sometimes incredibly
painful too. Every time Ellie and I spent time together, time I enjoyed, I’d
have nightmares about Rebecca. As if she were disapproving of me trying to move
on, of leaving the memory of her behind me. Her and our child, our beautiful
son who died in childbirth along with his mother. Part of my heart had been
buried in Rebecca’s coffin, part of my soul in my sons.

I’d vowed never to fall in love again, if I didn’t
love or get attached, I’d never experience that level of pain again. Their
death had been a catalyst for my change, after wallowing in my grief for
months, I’d turned to drink and an endless stream of meaningless encounters,
anything to keep me moving and not looking back. Until fate struck me another
cruel blow and carved me into the man I am now, the man that Ellie and the rest
of my friends and family know. No, Ellie Baxter didn’t need me in her life. I was
as toxic as they came, I fucked up every relationship I ever had, hurting
people immeasurably. While I yearned for her, wanted to come clean and confess,
to be comforted by her and lose myself in her, Ellie wasn’t going to be another
damn statistic in the fuck up that was my life.

I needed to try and stay away from her, every
minute I was around her my fortitude wilted, the selfish man buried deep inside
me tried clawing his way out, recognising that she was my perfect match, that
she stirred feelings inside me that had lain dormant since Rebecca died. Maybe
I should tell her why I can’t be with her, where I disappear to every day,
she’d definitely run from me and do us both a favour. This way she’d be spared
the prolonged dance we were performing and wouldn’t end up getting hurt when
the music stopped, as she’d invariably be if she got involved with me. With her
leaving early, it would prevent me from becoming even more attached to her than
I was now, at least then I wouldn’t experience the pain of losing another
amazing woman. I stood up and took a deep breath as my subconscious battled
with itself and I looked up at the house, wondering what she was doing, but the
thought of telling her and having her think of me the way that she thought of
that poor excuse for a man she was engaged to made me feel sick. Plus I was too
weak, I had her here for another twenty days, twenty days where I could admire
her from afar and try and build up her confidence again and ensure she didn’t
ever go out with a loser like Zac and myself ever again.

Ellie

Because I couldn’t run in
the seriously deep snow, and refused to pleasure myself to the thought of Dan,
I decided on a new routine. Get up, make coffee, go back to bed with a book and
enjoy a lie in and lack of responsibilities for the first time in forever. Get
up at about ten and have scrambled eggs on toast with sausage or bacon. Write
until two, then have a light lunch. Write until about five and then do some
exercise, crunches, planks, stair running and yoga. Prepare and cook dinner for
three, Dan being two of the portions. Eat by the fire, drop off his meal and
come back and read and relax. Perfectly organised and constructive.

I opened another email from Zac wondering what
stupid reason he would come up with this time.

Reason Four. You’re amazing in bed. Zac xx

I snorted my disapproval. If I was that good in
bed, he wouldn’t have paid hookers and ignored me for nearly twelve months. What
was wrong with him?
Question of the year when it comes to both men in your
life, Ellie
, I silently reminded myself. He thought telling me superficial
things that he loved about our relationship was going to have me running back
to him? Were men really that clueless as to how to romance a girl? I laughed
out loud at that statement, they really were when it came to him and Dan.

The man of the hour was sitting outside on his
veranda waiting for me when I arrived with his evening meal this time. I was a
creature of reasonable habit and had been coming at 8 p.m. for the last few
nights and he’d worked that out already.

‘Miss Baxter.’ His outside lights weren’t on and
it was too dark for me to see his face properly, but I felt his smile light up
the whole loch. He was really happy to see me this time, me on the other hand,
I was unsure how I felt.

‘Mr. Complex. Your dinner.’ I placed it on the
table next to him. ‘Have a good night.’

‘That’s it?’

‘I made you two portions as usual.’

‘Not that. You know what I meant.’

‘I’m not sure I do. You have a rather changing temperament
and it’s hard to keep up. Bye.’ I started walking, but this time he strode
after me, overtook me and blocked my path.

‘You haven’t told me what my dinner is. You tell
me every night.’

‘Pork chops, apples and button mushrooms in a
cider sauce with rice. May I go now?’

‘You have three questions you can ask me.’

‘I can’t even think of one I’d like to ask you at
the moment, other than please will you move so I can go home?’

‘Ellie, please don’t be like this.’ He reached out
his hand to brush my cheek and I jumped back as if I’d been struck by high
voltage. I was getting by keeping my distance and playing it cool, getting by
fine. I didn’t need another reminder of the Dan that I’d fallen for so hard,
not when he was only around twenty-five percent of the time and left me feeling
like I had a gaping void in my life when seventy-five percent Dan showed up.

‘I’m being how you wanted, Dan. Professional. I’m
the guest, you’re the help. No flirting, no touching, no leading you on. So
please may I leave?’

‘As you wish,’ he sighed and stepped aside.

‘I do wish,’ I replied haughtily and stalked off
as well as I could, given I had to do a virtual ridiculous looking Hitler walk
to move my legs in this damn deep snow.

I’d also rationed myself to one glass of wine a
night, in case I ran out and to avoid any more awkward drunk dialling, so I
took it into the cinema room and watched
A Christmas Carol
, trying to
get myself in the festive spirit with Christmas only being a week away. So much
for all my Christmas cards I’d written, they were stacked up on the desk
upstairs along with Dan’s wrapped presents. I took a hot chocolate, a bar of
chocolate and my iPad to bed with me and snuggled down and checked my emails.

Hi babe, how are you? Still keeping the Great
Wall of Dan up to protect yourself? Bloody crazy, just fuck him already. So
actually getting a bit nervous, Saturday night is 3sum night. I know I’ve done them
before, but never with my favourite boyfriend and girlfriend at the same time.
What if it all goes pear shaped and I lose both of them? Xx

That wall is as intact as the day they built
the original in China, Brooke. Until he tells me his deal I’m desperately
trying to stay strong. Don’t do the ménage if it doesn’t feel right, make a
decision Brooke, who do you like best? Choose and stick with it. Surely one
relationship’s going to be a whole lot easier than two simultaneously?? And
just in case, please don’t let onto Zac about the job and the house. I owe it
to him to tell him in person that we’re definitely over. LYMY like crazy. xx

I finished my drink, killed the lights and fell
asleep.

Dan

I’d stayed away from her all day, making calls and
doing emails, having a work out in the gym to punch out my frustrations before
relaxing in the sauna. Every time I closed my damn eyes though an image of
Ellie naked on the bed, flushed from the orgasms I’d given her, popped into my
mind. Her perfect breasts, the gentle swell of her stomach, her vivid green
eyes pleading with me to bury myself into her and take her to heights she’d
never yet experienced. I’d had to masturbate left handed to the thought of her,
my right hand still being out of action with this damn bandage she’d strapped
on. She was everything I’d have ordinarily looked for in a woman, even that
Rebecca had been too and possibly more. I had a feeling that if I fell in love
with Ellie and lost her, she’d take the remains of my heart with her. They
wouldn’t just be buried, they’d be placed in concrete shoes and sunk to the
bottom of the ocean. I resolved to be cool with her if I saw her, to keep her
at arm’s length, but damn me if I wasn’t sitting on the veranda waiting for her
at seven-forty-five, like a damn lovesick teenager, desperate to see her
smiling face and trying to get her to stay and talk to me.

‘Fuck, pull yourself together man,’
I
muttered as I watched her stride away in a huff after refusing to take the bait
when I tried to tempt her to stay by offering her some more answers about me. I
actually missed her, listening to her talk, watching her animated stunning
face. I missed touching her, holding her. I blew out a deep breath and instead
of running after her, I went and microwaved my meal, wolfed it down and went to
bed early, stroking myself to her image again, then waking in the middle of the
night soaked in sweat after seeing Rebecca’s face replaced by Ellie’s as I
watched the life slip out of her while she was surrounded by people in masks
frantically trying to save her.