18 Thoughts (My So-Called Afterlife Book 3) (21 page)

“You really do attract birds,” Nate said, brushing the side of my arm.

“Huh?”

“He’s watching you like a hawk. Kind of freaking me out. He better not act like a jerk tonight.”

I nodded, knowing that no matter how he acted, I couldn’t stop the invisible force drawing me to him. Once we arrived, Nate mumbled something about getting me coffee and went inside, all our friends following him. Except Conner.

“Your hair is down.”

“Tammy straightened it for me.” I grinned, proud of myself for stringing together a coherent sentence with all the mixed emotion swirling inside me.

He tried to smile back, but the gesture fell short. “Looks like you’re breaking free of all sorts of things tonight.”

“Conner—”

“I’m gonna go, Olga. You deserve to be happy.” His voice was barely audible over the girl inside murdering the Whitney Houston song, “I Will Always Love You
.
” Her song choice fit, though, because what exactly was I doing by agreeing to this date tonight? I’d always love Conner, no matter how drawn I felt to Nate.

“What? No, don’t go. I’ll go.”

He shook his head, giving me a quick once-over. “I’m not leaving because of you. I’m tired is all.”

Liar.
“Okay, well let me walk you to your car. Where are you parked?”

He jabbed his thumb behind him. “Just around the corner here.”

I followed him to his Ford Escape Hybrid. He unlocked the door with the remote on his keychain but didn’t climb in. Instead, he leaned against the cab and faced me, regarding me with an unfocused gaze, his eyes filling with tears, once again breaking my heart.

Even though I came here with someone else, I longed to comfort him, to kiss him. But wasn’t I longing to kiss Nate just minutes ago? I felt so confused. My thoughts made me hesitate but didn’t stop me from closing my arms around Conner, burying my head against his shoulder. We rocked together, unsure of who started the motion, unable to stop. Until finally, our eyes met, and the longing to kiss him overwhelmed me. I stepped away.

“Not here, Conner. I can’t do this right now.”

“When? I know I don’t deserve you, but I still want to take you out on an official date, too. Even if it’s just one time.”

Now my eyes filled with tears, and I had a moment of absolute clarity. All this time I’d been waiting for my first date with Conner, but my subconscious knew I’d already had it. Only something prevented me from remembering the experience. And it totally sucked.

“Tomorrow then. Meet me in the parking lot of Saint Patrick’s Church for ten o’clock Mass. We can go out afterward.”

Conner’s eyes flared. “Mass? How about after? Ten is early for me.”

I shook my head. “Then come to the 11:45 service. This is my stipulation. You can take me out only if you come to church with me. Even if it’s just one time.”

He nodded. “I hope you can feel how much I want you.”

I gulped. “I do.”

“Good. That’s why I’m saying yes to this stupid plan of yours. Just out of curiosity, did Nate’s offer to take you out come with any stipulations?”

Every organ in my body felt like it was on fire under his gaze. “That’s how I got him to leave your house Monday night, remember? And anyway, we’re not really even on a date anymore.”

“Oh, yeah.” He gently put his hand on my shoulder, sweeping my hair back. “I’m actually surprised you’re out at all. Your mom didn’t freak out about you spending the night with me?”

Nodding, I said, “Dad actually lied to her about it and said I was at Nic’s. He said he’ll repent for it at confession next time he goes.”

“Good.” He brushed his thumb across my cheek, then leaned in to kiss me there. “Until tomorrow.” After watching him pull away, I had to figure out how to move my legs one in front of the other and join my friends inside. The rich, stimulating rush of brewing coffee drew me in, brushing off the uncomfortable and thrilling encounter with Conner. My gaze bounced from couples leaning toward each other at the bistro tables to the laughing groups of people my own age crowding the booths. Finally, I spotted my friends at a booth all the way in the back. Nate waved me over. If he’d heard my thoughts when I was with Conner, he didn’t show it.

“Here you go.”

“Hmm, thanks, Barca. You are a gift from the gods, truly.”

For one split second, we just stared at each other, like looking into a crystal ball.

Tammy’s voice broke through our shared memory of the vision, completing it. “You two are so cute together. You’ll make adorable, dorky babies someday. That is, if the date went well. Which I’m assuming it did since Conner’s not here.”

I heard Nicole kick her under the table.

“Ouch! What’d ya do that for?”

My hand jittered as I sipped the chocolate-drizzled, Snickers-flavored mocha with whipped topping. The gesture wasn’t lost on Nate. “You probably drink enough coffee to make a rhino’s heart explode.”

“So?”

He flashed me a lazy grin. “Just saying.”

A few songs later, we watched as Sean got crowned third place winner in the karaoke contest, a prize that came with a twenty-five-dollar gift card to the coffee house. Then we laughed as he hopped onto the stage and lifted his shirt, mimicking the Truffle Shuffle from
The
Goonies
movie
.

Nate motioned toward the wall clock. “It’s ten thirty. We should peddle home before you’re late.”

We were quiet for most of the way until he finally brought up the subject I’d been dreading.

“Do you want to tell me why you’re going out with someone else tomorrow?”

I stared up at the stars, praying for a shooting one, thinking I could really use a wish right now. “I think it has to do with how much history there is between Conner and me. He wants to take me out on at least one proper date, and I need to let him.”

Nate winced, like my explanation caused him physical pain. “You’re right. I just wish you two would’ve figured out you’re not right for each other before I met you. Would save us a lot of time. You love me, even if you don’t know it yet.”

“The thing is, I think I do know it. I just don’t feel it yet. My mind is having a hard time keeping up with what my heart already instinctively knows these days.”

At my admission, my heart raced wildly as he steered us into the parking lot of my apartment complex. Like a gentleman, he came around to my side of the bike and helped me down, not letting go of my hand.

He held my hand to his mouth and kissed the top.

“You really do have a way of making me want you,” he whispered, before our lips met.

He backed me against the freestanding garage next to my apartment building so our bodies matched. Just as I raked my fingers through his dark, shaggy hair, my mind flashed to Conner’s pained expression earlier tonight.

I jerked away from Nate, holding one hand to my chest and one hand to my sweaty forehead. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to torture you.”

He released his grip on my waist. His face held its own look of apology, and his was beautiful. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. This situation is really confusing. We just need to get to know each other more, see if we remember. What do you say to sneaking out tonight?”

I didn’t answer, so he made up my mind for me.

“Meet me outside your window in an hour.”

He peddled away. Taking in a deep breath, I tried to hold myself together, wondering what kind of girl would want to kiss a guy who read her mind and gave her visions? What kind of girl would simultaneously want to make out with her best friend after he slept with another one of her best friends? The kind of girl that had lost her mind, that’s who.

“Second star to the right
and straight on till morning.”
—J.M. Barrie
, Peter Pan

o, when’s the last time you went through a whole day without a cup of coffee?” Nate asked me. We were lying on an oversize beach towel at the top of a sand dune overlooking Lake Michigan. I’d swapped out Tammy’s Latin-style jeans and sheer shirt for a more comfortable outfit: my Grand Haven High Buccaneers sweatshirt and sweatpants. I’d also swept my hair into a bun and washed off all the makeup Tammy applied earlier. No reason for Nate to think we were on a second date already.

“I can’t remember. Why?”

He picked up an antique handheld telescope he’d brought from home and squinted into the eyepiece. “I don’t know. I want to be around you for a day when you don’t drink coffee.”

“So your type is moody, irritable, and fatigued?”

He passed the telescope to me. “You’re my type. I just want to know every side of you.”

Swoon.
“You’re sweet, but Dad started giving me coffee at a very early age, so unless you add time travel to your list of supernatural abilities, don’t hold your breath for that wish to happen.”

He laughed. “Okay. Your turn.”

“My turn for what?”

“We’re playing twenty questions. Question two, go.”

“Oh. Have you ever been in love?”

He got up on one elbow and peered over at me. “Have I not made my feelings for you clear enough?”

The black sky threatened to swallow me like an abyss at the honesty of his admission I so wasn’t ready for. “Okay, wow. Yeah. I guess I mean before me.”

He draped another towel over us as the wind picked up. “I thought I was with my last girlfriend.”

“How long ago did that end?”

After several minutes of him staring into the starry night sky without responding, I glanced at him.

“The day I got into my accident.”

Sitting up, I hugged my knees to my chest. “What do you mean?”

Gathering a handful of sand, he made a pile. “Well, I actually dated a girl for the last three years. That’s part of the reason why I was so upset when my dad got his new job here. We were going to try the long-distance thing, knowing it would be hard. Then she decided to break up with me the last day of school, said she didn’t think it’d work out.”

I nodded, like what he said made sense, even though it didn’t. How could he date someone for three years and not tell me about it yet? Three years is a really long time, especially in high school.

“Olga, my feelings for you were immediate. As soon as I
saw
you, I knew Lindsey made the right decision for both of us.” He smiled but not his usual carefree grin. This smile held vulnerability.

“Have you talked to Lindsey since you called things off?”

“Nope. Now, you just asked about five questions. My turn again. When did you know you were interested in becoming a writer?”

I could tell he desperately wanted to change the subject.

“For as long as I can remember. Mom would always read me a bedtime story until I deemed myself too old for that sort of thing at age ten, and then I always fought for more solo reading time at night. Mom wasn’t big on gifts, but she did buy me all these classics, like
A Christmas Carol
and
The Swiss Family Robinson
. Reading is like a religion to me, ya know? Words are so emotional, the way they help us communicate with one another. There’s such beauty in them. My love of reading birthed my love of writing. I wanted to be part of that magic. So I filled journal after journal with my own stories. Then when I took Journalism freshman year and joined the
The Bucs’ Blade
, I realized the power of seeing your words in print. Actually, the
Grand Haven Tribune
just hired me to be their teen correspondent. Once a week, I’ll be giving my opinion on the latest happenings in the world from a young adult’s perspective, so I’m pretty excited about that. What about you? When did you know you were interested in music?”