18 Thoughts (My So-Called Afterlife Book 3) (19 page)

I nodded. “So you agree I am crazy?”

She leaned back in her chair. “I’d have to spend a few more sessions with you to formulate any type of diagnosis, if there even is one at all. It’s probably more likely you’re suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome.”

“What’s that?” I fingered the cross on my necklace, praying for some answers.

“It’s an overwhelming emotional shock presented after a deeply distressing ordeal. Usually, while people are dealing with the crisis at hand, instinct kicks in and survival mode takes over. However, sometimes after weeks or even months have gone by, the reality of everything that’s happened begins to sink in and affects our day-to-day activities. The symptoms can manifest themselves in many ways, but one way is hearing or seeing things that aren’t there.”

I swallowed, then glanced toward the door, hoping nobody in the waiting room down the hall could hear our conversation. Then I worried I was being a paranoid freak and swallowed again. “So you think Nate’s mind hack is a figment of my imagination?”

“No. I’m merely trying to help you figure things out. If you can’t logically accept that this boy is reading your mind, then do
you
think you’re imagining this part of your relationship?”

“Not really. I mean, even though logic tells me this can’t be happening, I guess faith in the supernatural tells me he can and is.”

My mind flashed to Conner, a picture of him drinking backstage during the summer and making out with that tramp. A part of me didn’t want to ask Dr. Judy about him, my logical side telling me I should focus on one mental breakdown at a time. But then again, I’d spent most of my life putting his needs above my own. Old habits die hard. Besides, putting others before yourself was what friendship was all about, right? “Hey, can post-trauma stress cause destructive behavior, too, like drinking too much and stuff?”

“Absolutely.” She gave me an understanding nod. “Are you drinking?”

I shook my head. “No, not me.”

Her mouth tightened. “Olga, your parents did the right thing by referring you to me. We all want to help you. Even if you don’t feel like you can trust me yet, trust that.”

I stared at the framed picture of Grand Haven Pier hanging behind her desk. “You think I’m lying.”

“Are you?” She pursed her lips, waiting for my response.

“No. Another patient of yours is drinking. Conner Anderson.”

My focus on the picture dissolved, a memory floating in the peripheral of my vision. In it, I stared at the same picture in a trancelike state, Dr. Judy asking me if I’d visited a gravesite yet.

Attention shifted to the present, and I looked at the woman in front of me accusingly. “But you knew that already.”

“I cannot discuss any of my patients with you.” Her voice softened. “We’re here to talk about your problems. How are you sleeping? Are you eating a healthy diet?”

I snorted. “Well, coffee is a natural diuretic, but it probably doesn’t help me in the sleep department. Look, I know you can’t discuss Conner, but you can listen to me talk about him, right?”

Whatever memory I had of Dr. Judy, she probably didn’t share it with me. It was already frightening, stepping around in this darkness, not knowing what the danger was but sensing something lurking. If I told my therapist everything, she’d probably lock me up and I’d never see the light of day again. For now, all I could do was elaborate on the facts I’d already eluded to.

Dr. Judy’s lips twitched as if she were holding back a smile. “If that’s what you want to talk about.”

Sagging against the chair, I closed my eyes. “I just think you need to know the whole story if you have any chance of helping me.”

For the next forty-five minutes, I talked mainly about Conner and a little bit about Nate, and Dr. Judy listened. Really listened. And even made some light jokes. She felt like the mom I always wanted. Even though I love my mom, I always felt like she was too self-absorbed and serious to ever take the time to really understand me.

By the time I finished, Dr. Judy’s eyes glittered with what looked liked amusement. “Let’s say for argument’s sake I believe you and don’t think you and your friends are insane at all. Why do you think this stuff is happening to the three of you?”

“No clue. If I had answers, I wouldn’t be here in the first place.”

Her gaze traveled around the office, seemingly watching something I couldn’t see. Maybe
she
was the crazy one. “Olga, humor me.”

Pressing my palms against my cheeks, I sighed. “God’s angry with us?”

“Why God?”

“I don’t know. Everyone’s always suggesting he’s trigger happy with lightning strikes when he’s upset with people.”

“But do
you
believe that about God?”

Shrugging, I admitted, “Not in the past, but lately? I’m not sure what I believe anymore.”

“Well, from what you’ve told me, it sounds like Conner behaved decently before his coma, yes?”

“Right.”

“So let’s rule out the punishment theory. And have you ever considered that Nate’s ability to read your mind is actually a gift from God?”

I gave a shaky laugh. “More like a curse. Would
you
want a guy around who could read your mind whenever he was within a two-mile radius?”

She shrugged. “Could have some benefits.”

“Well, I’d like it much better if I could read his mind instead. Besides, I’m sure hearing my thoughts totally sucks for Nate.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I spend a lot of time worrying about Conner.”

“But you are interested in Nate. You said you were going on a date tomorrow night.”

I shrugged. “Yes. I mean, he’s hot and nice and caring and funny. Outside of reading my mind, there’s nothing annoying about him.” Leaning forward, I posed a hypothetical question. “Do you think you can be in love with two people at once?”

She scooted her rolling chair forward. “Maybe.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, frustrated over the fact that therapists seemed to enjoy giving one-word answers and withholding their opinions. “Do you think we can have soul mates in nonromantic ways, who are our friends?”

Her lips slightly parted. “I guess you’ll have to answer that question for yourself. Do you think both Nate and Conner are your soul mates?”

Holding my breath in for a moment, I thought about her question. “I don’t know. My definition of a soul mate probably doesn’t have the same connotation as it does to lots of other people, given my faith and my recent experiences. I mean, it’s so bizarre Nate can read my thoughts. That ties him to my soul in inexplicable ways. Maybe God ordains certain attachments to our souls to help us in our lives, people he knows will love us unconditionally no matter what, who will be there with us for the long haul. Who will stand by you, even if distance separates you. That’s the kind of soul mate I want, whether romance is involved or not. Maybe that’s why I can’t forget about Conner, either, even when I want to. I don’t think it’s a coincidence I met him the first day of kindergarten. He was meant to be my best friend, and I, his. So, yeah, I do think Nate and Conner are both my soul mates in a sense.”

My statement was decisive, like I knew the fact without thinking about it.

Dr. Judy’s expression relaxed, her butterscotch hair framing her heart-shaped face. “Well, it sounds like you’re discovering the answers on your own. So, why not try to embrace this turn of events in your life? Like you said, there are no coincidences. Maybe God imparted this knowledge to Nate for a reason.”

My mouth opened and closed as I tried to keep up with my own thoughts. “So I should try to find out what that reason is? Keep meditating with him so more visions will come and try to make those visions come true?”

A look of pure horror flashed across Dr. Judy’s face. “I’m saying some things can’t be explained. I mean, do you understand how life began, the nature of time, whether there is free will or it’s all destiny? Some things are so inherently complex that they will forever elude human understanding. No philosopher, scientist, or psychologist alive today has the foggiest notion of how the mind, time, or consciousness works. It’s arrogant to suppose those things will
ever
be understood completely.” She spoke the next words slowly, like she wanted each syllable to sink in. “I’d say forget the past and remember how to live.”

My mouth tightened. “This just feels like something out of a movie, ya know?”

There was a moment of silence as she ran her petite fingers through her wavy hair. “But your life isn’t a movie. This is real now. And you have another chance at happiness. I want you to get out there and live passionately. Sometimes the best thing you can do is shut off your thoughts and listen to your heart instead.”

More clichés. The only thing that could make this hour complete was a “Reach For The Stars” poster with Oprah’s picture on it.

Dr. Judy slid her rolling chair back from her desk, signaling our hour was up. I stood, blood thundering in my ears as she walked me to the door.

“Thanks for the talk.”

She peered down at me, meeting my gaze. “You’re welcome. I hope I helped you in some way. Make an appointment with my secretary to come again in two weeks. But if you feel like you need to come in any time before then, just call the office, and I’ll squeeze you in. I don’t want you to feel like you’re all alone in this, but it sounds like you have a good support system with your friends already.”

“Except Conner.” I still had so many questions I wanted to ask her about him. “You think I should forget about trying to figure out what’s wrong with him?”

Placing her hand on my shoulder, she said, “Not at all. I apologize if I gave you that impression. I just don’t think you should spend so much of your energy focusing on his problems when you can’t control what he does or doesn’t do. The only person you can control is you.” She tucked her notebook under her arm. “Have you ever thought about inviting him to church?”

I gave a dismissive wave of my hands. “He’s never been interested in that sort of thing.”

She nodded. “Doesn’t mean you can’t ask again.”

Pushing my glasses up, I titled my head to the side. “I didn’t know a shrink could talk so much about God.”

Dr. Judy laughed, the sound angelic. “Some of my counseling is faith-based, if my patients request it. Your mom did. She said you’d be okay with that aspect.”

“Oh. Well, I’ll ask Conner, if you think church will help.”

“It’s helped you in your life, yes?” She watched me expectantly.

Crossing my arms over my abdomen, I nodded.

“Good. I’m here if you need me, Olga. Remember, listen to your heart.”

With that last piece of advice, I shuffled down the sidewalks of Grand Haven on my way to work. One good thing about having a near-perfect photographic memory was being able to recall every little word she’d said to me. Now that I looked back at our hour together, I thought the strangest thing about the experience was when she said, “This is real now.”

What the heck did that mean?
And she told me to forget about the past, but I never told her my visions with Nate felt like memories. I thought again of my flashback in Dr. Judy’s office. Simply, I’d assumed she wouldn’t understand any of it. Now I had a distinctive feeling she knew a lot more than she let on.

“You should always leave loved ones with loving words.”
—Nate’s Thoughts

our jeans are way too tight on me,” I told Tammy as I stepped out of my closet after changing. She’d met me at work to drive me home and help me get ready for my date.