18 Thoughts (My So-Called Afterlife Book 3) (18 page)

“Why is that?”

Tilting my chin toward his face, he said, “Because you don’t need to be alone anymore, trapped in your head with your loud, critical thoughts. You needed someone to remind you of how perfect you are.” He cupped my face in his hands, and the night dissolved into silence.

Time slowed as he bent his face to mine, his lips just centimeters away from my mouth. “Nate, stop. I can’t handle this right now. You should go. This has nothing to do with you.”

He took a step back. “This has everything to do with me.”

“How do you figure?”

“Do you see how I look at you?” His eyes widened, brows furrowed. “Like you’re my whole world? The problem is, I look at you like you look at him.” He made a sweeping gesture toward Conner’s house. “And I don’t like that you’re willing to give him a million second chances, but you won’t even give me one.”

Adrenaline pumped through my veins, making my heart wake up. “What do you mean?”

A building smile spread across his whole face. “Go out with me this Saturday. Let me take you on our first official date.”

The wind blew a stray piece of hair into my blinking eyes. “Barca, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“A million reasons.”

“Come on, Olga. Just one date. That’s not too much to ask for, right? And we owe it to ourselves to explore this connection we have.” He looked slightly sheepish, making me feel sorry for him.

I sighed. “Will you leave me alone tonight if I say yes?”

“If that’s what you want.” His voice was softer than a whisper. “But I’ll still be listening, for your safety, and maybe for my own sanity.”

“I can live with that. Yes.”

“Yes?”

Wrinkling my nose, I said, “Yes, if you can stop gloating.”

“I’m not gloating.”

I pushed up my glasses. “Not with your words, but you’re gloating with your facial expression.”

He smirked. “Sorry. How’s that saying go? Let him without sin cast the first stone.”

Bending down, I searched the grass.

“Did you lose something?”

“Oh no, I’m just looking for a rock.”

He shoved me gently. “Now who’s gloating?”

I grinned. “You sound surprised. Weren’t you the one telling me a minute ago I was perfect? Now don’t worry. I’ll pick out a smooth one. No jagged edges to mess up your pretty face.”

Pulling me up, he drew me against his body. I closed my eyes, imagining his lips on mine before I remembered Conner.

“Oh, come on, his thirty minutes aren’t up yet.”

Pushing back, I let my hands remain on his chest. “Whatever. I shouldn’t hang out with either one of you after the way you both acted back there. But anyway, we can’t be trusted alone together.”

“I must halt your line of reasoning. You can’t employ a double negative.”

Staring back at him, it was hard to ignore the heat between us. “So you’re the grammar police now?”

He slid my arms around his neck. “Yep, and I’m gonna have to take you as my prisoner. Come with me, ma’am.”

I laughed. “You promised you’d leave if I agreed to a date this weekend, remember?”

“I remember every word you’ve ever said.”

With all the visions we were having, I seriously doubted that.

Lacing his fingers through mine, he said, “Until tomorrow.”

As I walked around the side of the house on the fading green grass, the wind picked up, blowing fallen leaves across our path. Usually I looked forward to fall, an opportunity for more fun times with my friends during another school year. Now all the signs of my favorite season only reminded me that change was coming, and I hated change.

As I opened Conner’s slider door, I noticed he’d dimmed the lights. The Christmas lights were back on, and a lit candle glowed on the coffee table next to a small vase of wild flowers. Conner sat on the couch, watching me come in.

“Hey, I thought you were gonna work on some homework.”

“I had more important things to do” He kept a steady gaze on me, unblinking.

“Really?”

He pressed a button on his iPod, then stood and wrapped me in his arms, swaying us to Adele’s cover of Bob Dylan’s song, “Make You Feel My Love
.”

I bit my bottom lip. “What is all this? What are you doing?”

He leaned his head back, studying me. “Setting the room for romance. I remember when I was in a coma and you told me you loved me. You said you always pictured saying those words with candles, flowers, and music. And I wished the same thing when I first told you the night before school started. So now I’m trying to do things right. I just hope you believe in second chances as much as I do.”

I nodded. “I do, Conner, but a lot has happened since then. And to be honest, this is getting to be too much for me to handle right now.”

“Just let me get this off my chest.” He reached out and touched my cheek with the back of his hand. “I know words are pathetically insufficient, and a relationship between us can’t work right now, when I have so far to go in straightening my life out, but the plain and simple truth is I love you more than anything. And I hope you hold on to that truth no matter what happens.”

Tears leaked from my eyes.

“Are those tears of happiness or tears of sadness because you like Nate now?”

Behind his neck, I twisted my Morticia Addams ring, a nervous habit. “Do you think you can have feelings for two people at once?”

I felt dizzy waiting for his answer, not just from being spun in slow circles around his room.

Abruptly, he said, “I guess. I’ve certainly had my fair share of girlfriends. But are we talking about love feelings? Because maybe some people fall in and out of love all the time, but for me, there’s only ever been you.”

He pulled me toward him and kissed me hard, his unshaven skin stubbly and rough, but I didn’t care. I kissed him back like I was the one drowning this time and only he could save me. For a moment it was only us who existed, and then thoughts of Nate crept in my mind, how he would probably know what was happening and might even come back. Then suddenly, in my mind, I was kissing Nate, like
really
kissing him.

“
How did you know how to find me by the wormhole?
” I asked him.

I pulled away and looked at Conner, feeling like I’d just seen a ghost.

Conner’s pupils were huge and confused as he looked back at me. “You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?”

I stared at him in silent horror, worried I’d lose both of them and end up alone in the end. Maybe that would be best for all of us. “I told him I’d go on a date with him this weekend. That’s how I got him to leave.”

Telling Conner about the date was easier than telling him about my vision. I picked the lesser of two evils.

He swept his arms around the room. “Well, you should tell him tomorrow you’re canceling, don’t ya think? How are we going to work things out between
us
if you’re going on dates with him?”

I hesitated, unsure of what to do or say. “I promised him.”

Shoving his hands in his hair, he yanked on the strands. “Olga! For once in your life, can you just think with your heart instead of your head? Think about the future. Who do you want to end up with?”

You
, my heart screamed. But the words wouldn’t come out. Somewhere deep inside me, I knew we’d been down this road before and it didn’t end well. And it made me not trust my feelings now.

“Then go.” Conner turned around and blew out the candle. When I didn’t move, he repeated the words and shuffled to his bed to lie down.

For a moment, I froze, listening to the sound of the wind picking up outside and to Adele singing about the winds of change blowing, but I wasn’t ready to be set free. The old Olga would’ve obeyed Conner’s wishes and left. But not anymore. I walked over to his bed and lay next to him. Flipping on my side, I faced his back, waiting for him to say something or fall asleep.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I know I have no right to tell you what to do.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could, he continued, “He’s probably a lot better at this stuff than I am. Probably will bring you two dozen roses instead of picking some lame ones from his mom’s garden out back. Probably quotes poetry to you and stuff.” Turning over, he faced me. “I wish I were better with using my words, wish that I wasn’t so quick to lose my temper, especially these days.”

“It’s okay,” was all I could think to say.

“No, it’s not. I know I don’t deserve it, but will you still stay the night with me?”

I nodded. Lying against him, I felt so warm on the inside I thought I could never feel cold again.

“I wish we could stay like this forever,” Conner whispered, closing his eyes.

“Me too.” But I was smart enough to know that in this life we seldom got what we wished for. Life was too complicated for such things.

“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.”
—Lewis Carroll,
Alice in Wonderland

o,” Dr. Judy began, “tell me why you’re here today, Olga.”

It was Friday, early afternoon, before my shift at the Bookman began. As soon as school ended, I had Nic drop me off at the hospital. I hadn’t been able to sleep ever since I spent the night at Conner’s on Monday, especially with the excitement and dread building inside me at the prospect of my first proper date. Excited because a guy as perfect as Nate wanted me, and I couldn’t deny I liked him back. But also dread because my first date wouldn’t be with Conner, and to make matters worse, he was still being
my
Conner. Of course, this should fall under the “Yay” category instead of “Nay,” but now my date with Nate felt like cheating. The night outside Conner’s house when I said yes to Nate, I honestly figured Conner would be acting like a jerk again by morning. Even without Mom’s constant encouragement to see a therapist since everything fell apart in April, I knew I had reached my breaking point. So yesterday morning, I finally caved and called the number she’d placed on my computer desk months ago. Certainly, the fact that Conner, Nate, and now I all had the same therapist was no coinkydink. Maybe somehow Dr. Judy held all the answers to our questions.

“Well,” I said, taking another sip of coffee from my travel mug. “My life has turned into something out of
The Twilight Zone
.”

She cleared her throat. “Many people probably feel the same way about their own lives, but can you give me some specifics on your situation?”

“Where to start? My best friend was struck by lightning in April during our first spring sailing trip and then lapsed into a coma for eighty days, and after he woke up, it’s like he’s this completely different person most of the time. Then I met this other guy at the hospital, Conner’s roommate for a while, and he can hear my thoughts. But only mine, so, of course, I tried staying clear of him, but I just can’t figure out how he’s doing this mind trick and—”

“Okay, slow down.” Her face held a solemn expression. “Take a deep breath and try to relax.”

I inhaled like she told me, which only caused me to yawn. “I know I sound crazy, but I don’t care about looking crazy anymore. I need help. That’s why I’m here.”

Dr. Judy nodded. “I’m sure almost losing your best friend was a very traumatizing experience.”