Your Little Secret (17 page)

Unable to walk, Amber felt her legs weaken beneath her. Sinking onto the wall only three houses away from her own, she leaned forward, folding in on herself. Her body began to shudder as she cried and she covered her face with her hands as she howled out. She felt like a part of her heart was blackened. She was ruined by jealously, torn to shreds with heartbreak, and for what? She was going to do exactly the same thing to Ethan by going back to Connor. Here she was feeling betrayed by Eva’s appearance in Ethan’s house, but who was she to speak? Connor was sleeping back in the bed that less than twenty-four hours ago Ethan made love to her in. The same bed she would drag herself back to and climb in next to the man that was offering her the world.

Yet again in her life she felt like she was a mistake to Ethan.

The train journey was slow, exhausting, especially as she was forced to sit next to someone who she didn't know. Amber sighed and looked out of the window at the fast moving trees. Looking down she unlocked her phone to see if she had any text messages from Ethan. Not a single one, nada. Sighing, she opened up a pointless game as Connor slept opposite her. This was just a visit. To see what it was like, they had decided that she couldn't just leave. She needed to work her notice at work and spend time saying goodbye to people she loved - including Ethan. Regret swam through her body, eating away at her heart and forcing her to breathe in a deep shuddering breath. Looking at Connor, the guilt forced through and she cried as she stared at the man who she had loved for all these months. Forcing in her earphones she switched on her iPhone and fell into a daydream with Daniel Merriweather.

***

"Whoa," Amber whispered under her breath as she walked into the foyer of Connors apartment. "You done good babe." Feeling his arm wrap around her shoulders she turned to kiss the back of his hand.

"Want a drink?" Connor asked whilst putting his keys into the key bowl.

"Sure, diet coke if you've got one," Amber smiled at Connor and he wandered off to another part of the apartment. Feeling like she was completely unwanted in this place, she didn't belong. Running her fingertips along the edge of his plush leather sofa she shuddered as she remembered her old, blue, tatty one. She missed home already, even though Amber had only been here an hour.

Dropping herself into the soft cushions she stared at his, at least fifty inch, plasma screen on the wall and felt a sense of anger sweep through her system. Here she was, at home, living in squalor, when he was living in luxury for ten times the amount of rent she pays. She felt the sofa dip next to her and Connor pulled her into his arms.

"You know I missed this," Connor muttered into her hair as he kissed her head. He had missed her smell, the way her face screwed up when she was concentrating, the way her hands fit his so perfectly. As she moved in closer to him, he handed her the diet coke.

"Thanks," Amber whispered, wrapping an arm around his waist. "So you've got such an amazing home here Con, makes mine look a pigs den."

Chuckling gently he shook his head at her. "It's what the company supplied me with, Amber, I didn't ask for it." Shuffling tighter towards him she sniffled a little thinking about what she had left behind in Yorkshire. She missed Ethan, even though it was only twenty-four hours ago that she saw him, with Eva's arms wrapped around him. If she had the power to fight for him she would. But yet, here was Connor, being gentle and calming with her. Stealing her away from loneliness and letting her fall into his life for a week.

"Are you off work this week too?" Amber asked him, curious as to why she had been dragged away from home. Sitting up, Amber sat up with him.

Connor gently stroked a loose tendril of hair behind her ear and smiled softly at her. "Of course Baby Girl, I couldn't leave you here by yourself, you have me for a whole week before reality kicks in again."

"I'm worried about the train ride home." Because it was the truth, she was worried.
About the feeling of loss flooding her body once more, causing her undeserving pain to fluctuate across her life.

"Hey," Connor murmured softly. "You'll be okay, just remember about what you could have down here, if you did move in with me. Yeah, you'd have to look for another job, but London Amber. It has so many new opportunities for us.
For everything. We could be happy, selfish even, and wallow in money."

Bringing his lips to hers, she fell into the rhythm she remembered, not that it matched or even compared to Ethan's. Letting him stroke his tongue along hers, she didn't feel the usual spark of ignition, only a dead beat flint that was worn out. It didn't have the spark she needed to keep the flame, it was lost, gone. Pulling back she looked at the man she had cheated on. She had cheated and lost. Connor was perfect, kind, and so generous in and out of bed, but she had done the dirty with Ethan behind his back.

Feeling overwhelmed with these emotions she rose to her feet. "Can I use your bathroom please?"

"Sure baby, down the hall, third door on the left." Connor smiled at her and let her wander down the hall and felt a sudden sadness to the lack of her.

She had become the essence in his life, the meaning, the purity. She was a star that had captured his heart and set it on fire, its constant beams brightening through his days and his nights.

Once she was isolated into the bathroom, Amber stood with her back flush against the perfect panel of wood. Immediately she was met with a plain white bathroom, chrome taps and handles, expensive products lined the sink. It was a stark contrast to her tiny bathroom back at home. There was no leaking tap or mildew growing on the ceiling.

As it all got overwhelming again for her, she reached in her pocket for her phone and quickly pulled it. She went for the one number was always her sanctum.

"Well is my little
Ambi now in the big ole city of London town?" Ethan answered the phone with a mirthful tone.

"Yeah I am," she gave him back a blunt response, unable to feed off his enthusiasm.

"I don't like the tone of your voice," Ethan spoke back with an evident frown.

"I don't like it here. It's not the life I expected," she told him honestly, and she shook her head at how ungrateful she sounded, but Connor was living a life so unlike what they had before.

"You've been there barely hours," Ethan stated the obvious. "Hardly long enough to acquaint yourselves with the plush life."

"This isn't a life for me!" she cried out, tearing at her hair. "I don't deserve this!"

"What do you mean you don't deserve it?" Ethan asked a little teasingly. "Is it because it’s not your little rundown shack?"

"Yeah," she scoffed, humourlessly. "It's all chrome and glass and money literally thrown on every surface. I know he promised me a better life, but this isn't me," Amber literally sulked at the idea of how much money it took to even build this bathroom. "Plus, I cheated on him, Ethan. However much I wanted it, I still cheated. We still cheated."

"You were drunk," Ethan stated to her with ease. Absolving all guilt with three little words.

"I wasn't drunk!" she shouted back and covered her mouth. "I wasn't. I wasn't drunk, Ethan. Don't pawn me off as some drunken mistake."

"You know you're not that," he commented back lightly, his tone steady. "You never could be."

"Then why do you make me feel like I was?" she asked him, terrified to hear the truth.

"Because maybe I'm the drunken mistake to you," Ethan responded, the ease and casual tone gone and replaced by a hardened, painful tone. "You ring me and tell me all of this and I'm supposed to not feel like I'm just a notch in your bed post. Then you make me feel like I have to give you permission to journey off to London and spend a week or whatever with the man that has what I want. Well, Amber, I told you to go to keep you happy so enjoy it, don't think of me, and choose him like you knew you were always going to."

Amber felt grief prickle across her. He felt like a drunken mistake to her? She had made him feel like that when all she had done was fall even more in love with him.

"You're not," Amber whimpered at him. "You're not a mistake. You're really not. Ethan, don't be like this," she tried to make him understand the real reason she finally caved and slept with him. "That night," she started and closed her eyes, "That night was-"

"Don't do this," Ethan cut her off instantly. "Don't say anything. I don't have time for this,
Ambi. Text me later, but remember the reason you went to London. It wasn't for me. It was to be with Connor."

As the line went dead, Amber looked up and at her reflection in the large mirror. She looked awful, felt awful and her heart has ceased taking a normal beat now. That was the first time Ethan had ever hung up on her, and it felt twice as bad as watching Connor depart that first day for London.

She couldn't question where her heart lay when she knew, but Ethan was right, like always. She had followed Connor to London in plight of the good life.

Feeling the pain of rejection through her system, she ruffled her hair and smoothed out her eye makeup. Ethan clearly wanted to spend time with Eva, and did not care about her. Smiling at herself in the mirror she went to join Connor.  If Ethan wasn't interested then she wouldn't waste her time worrying about what happened. Even though it meant the world to her, she wouldn't dwell on it if Ethan wasn't bothered about her. Walking back into the living area, Connor was relaxing on the couch and had the television blaring Britain's got talent.  Amber wanted to feel
needed, she couldn't let a one night stand with Ethan stop her life. She loved Connor, and he loved her, she would never tell him of Ethan and their situation. Breathing in a deep shuddering breath she straddled his lap and a lazy seductive smile grazed his lips. His fingers felt across her ribs, gently stroking up and down, sensitising her to what was about to happen.

"I missed you, Amber." He growled as she leaned down to kiss his ear. Stroking her tongue along inside of his neck back to his ear she felt satisfied from the deep groans coming from him.

"I missed you too," Amber whispered against his skin. Feeling him harden beneath his jeans she smiled as she reached his mouth. His fingers weaved through her hair, pulling her harshly to crash his mouth against hers. Letting his tongue slide and lock against hers, they fell into the rhythm they knew all too well. Turning from his mouth, Amber changed the channel on the TV to a music station and stood back from his lap.  Moving her hips seductively, she gently pulled down the zip of her jacket and let it fall to the floor. Her tank top was filled with her cleavage and Connor watched in awe as his girlfriend danced for him.

"You're so sexy, Amber." Leaning forward she put her finger against his lips and shushed him. Leaning back again, she lifted the tank top over her head she revealed her black bra to him. Now dressed in a black bra and light jeans she moved to the music and she loved the way Connor bit his lip as he watched her body sway to a deep hip-hop beat. She pushed Ethan to the back of her mind and focused on the happy memories she shared with Connor. He had been this huge part of her life for so long, she would feel relentless without him there for her. Stopping she turned to face him with a frown. Amber put her hands on her hips and sighed.

"Where's my birthday present?" As she asked the question a look of fear swept Connor's face and she knew that he hasn't got her one. Feel the pang of hurt once more she felt her eyes begin to hurt.

"Baby,
me and you are the gift. Of course I got you something and I'll bring it too you soon." Smiling at her he held out his hand and pulled her into his lap. "I could never forget your birthday, baby. You're my life."

Amber smiled meekly at that, the blush creeping up her face. “You’re amazing you know that right?” she asked him softly, her tone not moving up an octave or wavering. She just said watching him as she sat on his lap. He was, and always would be the epitome of perfect. It made her wonder why she was the chosen one in his life. She didn’t know what made her perfect to him, but she was. “You’re just amazing.”

“I know I am,” he joked with her, “But only because you chose me.”

As he said that last bit, Amber didn’t move. She sat shell shocked, frozen to her straddling position on his lap and just stared at him, wide eyed and her heart literally thudded harshly. She made him perfect, and that was the bottom line he stuck by.

“Now,” he said, eying her up and down as if to wonder where to start.

Seeing what he was doing, Amber couldn’t bring herself to get to that point just yet. “Remember our chat?” Amber asked, pausing the moment, freezing the rapidly unbinding arousal that was filling the air. She closed her eyes, sending a silent prayer that this wouldn’t transcend into a row.

“Yeah,” Connor’s feather-light tone came, forcing her to open her eyes. He gently brought her hand up to his lips, kissing the knuckles gently. “We don’t have to make love, baby. I’m just happy to have you here with me at long last.”

“I know,” she whispered at him, offering a small smile. “I really know, but I don’t want our relationship to be defined on make-up sex or first time together sex.”

“We’ve been together now over twenty-four hours though,” he whined, his hands running up her waist line. “I want to be reacquainted with
this
,” he said continuing to run his hands up the course of her body, drawing her closer so he could kiss her.