Yolo (13 page)

zoegirl:

I was planning to tell Maddie the bad thing—she and I were just texting, and I fully intended to tell her the whole story—but I chickened out and told her only part of it.

SnowAngel:

ooo, then tell me!

SnowAngel:

I am in a borrrrrrrring Zeta chapter meeting and it is soooooooo borrrrrring, so entertain me with yr badness!

zoegirl:

it isn't “entertaining.” it makes me sad that you think my problems are “entertaining.”

SnowAngel:

I don't. I'm sorry. I'm just bored, but I'm not anymore.

SnowAngel:

what's the dealio?

zoegirl:

things are weird—again—with Doug, only I think it's more that things are STILL weird. as in, things never un-weirded since I saw him the weekend before last.

SnowAngel:

meaning what?

zoegirl:

the last time we had sex? when I drove up to Oberlin? it was bad.

SnowAngel:

bad how?

zoegirl:

it's embarrassing and pathetic. I've been wanting to tell you, but I haven't. and Maddie doesn't know either.

SnowAngel:

omg, so many secrets. Maddie's keeping stuff from Ian, you're keeping stuff from Maddie . . .

SnowAngel:

whatever this new thing is, just tell me, and I will listen and hold your hand and be supportive. I'm not in my silly mood anymore, I promise.

zoegirl:

you already know that the visit wasn't, like, a romantic getaway.

SnowAngel:

cuz he was being a card-playing dwerp. yah.

zoegirl:

but I assumed things would get more romantic once it was just the two of us.

zoegirl:

I assumed we'd have sex that night, if nothing else!

SnowAngel:

does sex = romance?

zoegirl:

well . . . it's supposed to. isn't it?

zoegirl:

but we didn't, cuz Doug's roommate was there.

SnowAngel:

Doug didn't tell him to leave?

zoegirl:

yeah, that was my thought. why didn't Doug ever tell him to leave???

zoegirl:

then on Sunday morning I woke up before Doug. I was depressed and blah cuz of how the visit had gone so far, so I texted Maddie, and she told me I should leave without saying good-bye.

SnowAngel:

to punish Doug. I remember.

zoegirl:

so I said, “you're right, you're right, I will.”

SnowAngel:

ohhhh. but if you're telling me this . . .

SnowAngel:

I take it you didn't leave w/o saying good-bye after all?

zoegirl:

not exactly

zoegirl:

I kind of stayed in his bed until he woke up, and we snuggled, and for a while we watched some stupid NASCAR show with his roommate.

SnowAngel:

they have a TV in their dorm room?

zoegirl:

it's his roommate's. it's wall-mounted. Oberlin kids are RICH.

SnowAngel:

huh. I'm happy with my tablet, thx very much

SnowAngel:

but is that the badness? that instead of blowing him off, you stayed and watched cars zooming around a track?

zoegirl:

no. gets worse.

zoegirl:

after a while his roommate got up and went to the dining hall, meaning Doug and I were finally alone. so I lay there thinking, “um, ok, aren't you going to take advantage of this?”

zoegirl:

but he didn't. so I did.

SnowAngel:

naughty Zoe! I don't think that's bad. I think it's GREAT!

zoegirl:

well, don't.

zoegirl:

I climbed on top of him and started kissing him in a way that said very clearly, “here I am, ready to have sex! don't you want to?”

SnowAngel:

did YOU want to?

zoegirl:

kind of. I don't know. as much as I ever do?

zoegirl:

I definitely wanted him to, though.

zoegirl:

meaning I wanted *him* to want to. I wanted him to want *me*, to prove that everything was still good between us.

SnowAngel:

and?

zoegirl:

eventually he got into it too, and it was all good—or so I thought.

zoegirl:

but then . . .

SnowAngel:

oh no. what happened?

zoegirl:

I was still on top, and he was . . . AGH.

zoegirl:

he was, um. he had his mouth on my . . .

zoegirl:

he was kissing, or actually more like sucking, my . . .

zoegirl:

do I have to say it? aren't you going to jump in?

SnowAngel:

he was enjoying yr beautiful boobies?

zoegirl:

that's not the way I would have put it, but yeah.

SnowAngel:

what's wrong with that? yay for enjoying your beautiful boobies!

zoegirl:

except I pulled back a little, so I could gaze into his eyes, AND HE WAS WATCHING TV!

zoegirl:

we were having sex, and he was INSIDE me, and he was doing what you said to my boobs . . . and the whole time he was looking over my shoulder and watching that dumb car show!

SnowAngel:

he cld see the tv with yr boob in his mouth?

zoegirl:

ANGELA!

SnowAngel:

I'm just trying to imagine this. I'm trying to make sure I have the full picture.

zoegirl:

he could see the tv, yes. it was extremely obvious.

SnowAngel:

un. cool.

SnowAngel:

what did you say?

zoegirl:

nothing

SnowAngel:

wait. what?

SnowAngel:

you kept having sex?!

zoegirl:

I pretended not to notice. I told you I was pathetic.

SnowAngel:

oh, sweetie

SnowAngel:

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))

zoegirl:

and things have been weird ever since then, and
they just keep getting weirder. I keep thinking, “we just need to have a good long talk and things will get better,” but we keep NOT having good long talks.

zoegirl:

I feel like I haven't talked to him in forever, not in a real way, and it's all just . . .

zoegirl:

it's just so . . .

SnowAngel:

fucked up?

zoegirl:

*nods*

SnowAngel:

ah, Zo. I'm so sorry.

SnowAngel:

is there anything I can do to make you feel better?

zoegirl:

tell me you love me anyway, even though I'm so fucked up?

SnowAngel:

you're not f'd up! the situation is!

SnowAngel:

YOU ARE WONDERFUL AND DOUG IS A DINGUS!!!

zoegirl:

hmmm

SnowAngel:

you believe me, right?

SnowAngel:

and of course I love you. I will always love you.

zoegirl:

zoegirl:

I'll always love you too.

SnowAngel:

wld it make u feel better to know that I have a hole in my foot? and am hobbling about piteously (but heroically) on crutches?

zoegirl:

I already know both of those things.

SnowAngel:

oh

SnowAngel:

wld it make u feel better to know that sure, you might have had bad sex, but I've never had sex at all?

zoegirl:

no

SnowAngel:

damn. two strikes.

SnowAngel:

um, wld it make u feel better to know that not only
am I STILL EATING DODGY CHEESE SANDWICHES FOR EVERY MEAL, but that half the Zetas shoot me dirty looks every chance they get?

SnowAngel:

because of Mae, whose boyfriend I supposedly kissed.

SnowAngel:

does that make u feel even a little better?

zoegirl:

why would I take pleasure in your pain?

SnowAngel:

oh c'mon. because I am giving you permission to take pleasure in my pain! to make your pain go away!

zoegirl:

I don't think it works that way.