Worth The Fight (Hard To Love Book 1) (19 page)

I feel his hand rubbing up and down my back which makes me want to lie here forever with him, but with his cum cooling between us and my dick shrinking in his arse, I know I have to move. I hold onto the end of the condom as I pull out of him, feeling lost the second I leave him. I'm hoping that Zeke’s groan is for the same reason and not that I hurt him too much. I go to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and grab a wet sponge. I quickly return to the bedroom and clean him up. When I'm done I move to put my boxers on but Zeke grabs my hand and tugs on it until I look at him.

“Please stay. Just for a little while. I think we need to talk.” I sigh, knowing he's right. I climb back into the bed and settle down next to Zeke without touching him. I know that if I do, there will be no talking, he does something to my concentration.

“Why did you leave?” I turn my head to look at him and see a sad expression on his face.

“I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t watch you with Asha knowing that I can’t have you. You're getting married, Zeke. Do you not understand how much that crushes me?” He looks down, his cheeks coloring as he listens to me.

“You just left, you didn’t tell me you were going. Coach had to be the one to tell me, that hurt, babe.” The use of his pet name for me pulls at my heart and makes me want to tell him that he can have me, even if I'll be a secret all my life.
No, I refuse to be that guy, I deserve better than that.

“It wouldn’t have made any difference if I’d told you myself, I was still leaving. I won’t be your dirty little secret. You can’t be married and have a life with her while I wait around for you to throw me a scrap of attention.” Being honest with him is the only way to go now. I know that tonight won’t change anything between us, but hopefully if we clear the air I will be able to move on and let my heart recover a little. I know I will never love anyone the way I love Zeke, but I need to move on and try to make the most of my life.

“Someone knew.” I look at him and I can feel how wide my eyes are. Someone knew. Oh my god, this can’t be happening. I hear the laughter in his voice as he speaks again. “Coach caught us one night, in the locker room. I'm pretty sure he went home and bleached his eyes. But I told him about us, so you aren’t a secret.” Shit, I can’t believe we were seen. I would worry more about it, but my need for his answer to my next question wins out.

“Will you tell anyone else? Your friends? Will you leave Asha for me?” He looks down and I don’t need him to say the words. If he can’t meet my eyes then I know that tonight means more to me than it does to him.

“I'm sorry, Bryce. I just can’t.” His voice sounds softer and I see his eyes droop as sleep wins the fight with him. “I wish I could be the man you deserve, but I’m not him.” I watch as he drifts off, and just before he slips completely under he says four simple words. Words that make a sob catch in my throat and tears flood my eyes.

“I love you, Bryce.”

I stretch my body out when I wake up the next morning, feeling better than I should the day after a fight. My body is usually tight and sore, but between a half-assed opponent and the amazing night with Bryce, I feel really fucking good. The sudden thought of Bryce has me opening my eyes and sitting up instantly. I look around for him but all I can see is a head shaped dent in the pillow next to me, the only evidence that he was here at all last night. My heart drops knowing that he's gone, he's run away this time and now I understand how fucking much it hurts to be left.

I collapse back onto the bed, suddenly not feeling as good as I did when I opened my eyes. I would think last night hadn’t actually happened but I have a comfortable ache in my ass, proving that Bryce has been there. The thought of why my ass aches brings a smile to my face, knowing that I shared something so special with him, and even though I don’t plan on doing it with anyone else I enjoyed it more than I thought possible. The feeling of him inside my body made me feel complete, I didn’t think it was possible for sex to be any better than it was already with Bryce, but last night proved me wrong. I have never experienced a feeling like that before and I wish it was something I could feel for the rest of my life. I don’t know what this means for who I am, what label I'm meant to give myself and it’s confusing. When I was younger I thought I was gay, but I'm pretty sure that gay men don’t sleep with women. I used to get enjoyment out of them, the feeling of their soft bodies and wet pussies something I couldn’t get enough of, but now? Now I can only think of Bryce. Does that make me gay, or bisexual, or just really fucking confused?

My alarm goes off next to me, making me groan. I need to get up and meet with Asha, maybe finally grow a pair of balls and call this whole thing off. If last night showed me one thing it’s that I can’t let this go on when I know that I will never love her. There is only one person in this world that has my heart and nothing will ever change that. I’d called her before Bryce came over and asked her to over because we needed to talk. I'm sure she knows what’s happening, she must be able to see clearly that I'm not invested in this relationship. Something happened between us the night that Bryce left and whilst I still don’t remember anything, I know that we haven’t had sex since then and I’ve barely seen her. So today I will end this farce and beg for her forgiveness. I hope that she understands, and that maybe one day she can forgive me. God I hope she doesn’t cry, I don’t do crying women.

****

I take a deep breath before opening the door to Asha. She looks amazing today, her tight little body is dressed a form fitting dress. Normally when she would wear something like this I would have dragged her straight to my bedroom and buried myself in her body. Not today though, today I can appreciate how she looks but it does nothing for me. It also sparks a little panic inside me when I wonder what’s happening to me.
Fuck.
If I'm not turned on by Asha and the only guy that wakes my cock up is Bryce, does that mean I'm never going to have sex again? A cough brings me back to the situation at hand, and I make a note to return to this thought, it’s something I need to figure out later.

I stand back from the door and motion for her to come in. She walks slowly past me and I'm not sure how to act, normally I would kiss her but I think that for the purpose of today’s visit it would be inappropriate. I close the door behind her and walk towards the kitchen, hoping she’ll follow me.

“Want a coffee?” I walk over and turn on the kettle without waiting for a response. I need something to distract me, and I take a few moments to make us both a cup, anything to stop me from having to look at her.

All too soon I have to turn and face her as I carry both cups over to the table where she's sitting.

“So how long are we going to avoid this conversation?” Asha picks up her cup and takes a little sip of the hot coffee. I follow her lead, taking a mouthful to give me a few more seconds to work out what I'm going to say.

“I just don’t know how to start.” I'm thinking that being truthful with her is the best way to go. I need to control my bullshit and just tell her how I'm feeling and what I've done.

“Why don’t we start this with the fact that you're engaged to me but you are in love with Bryce?” The cup stops half way to my mouth and I look at her over the top of it in shock. I expect to see anger or hurt, what I'm not expecting is to see her smiling.

“But … how?” She reaches over and takes my hand in hers, squeezing it gently. I look at our joined hands and notice that she isn’t wearing her engagement ring. Thinking about it, I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw her with it on. The realization makes me feel even worse.
How long has she known and why hasn’t she called me out on it before? Why isn’t she screaming at me and throwing the coffee in my face?

“You talk a lot when you're drunk. I have to admit, I'm surprised I didn’t see it before. Once you told me you missed him I could see it all so clearly, the way you used to look at him, the way your moods were always dependent on his, all those little looks between the two of you.” She squeezes my hand again but I'm not sure what to say to her. I think I'm in shock that I confessed my feelings when I was drunk. Her smile fades a little and I'm scared what she's going to say next. “I know I've been distant lately but I needed to step away. I wanted you to think about what you want, Zeke. I don’t know why you asked me to marry you when you’re in love with someone else.” I go to protest but she holds up her hand, stopping me before I lie to her some more. “If you do love me, it’s only as a friend and it’s okay. I understand.” I take a deep breath, now is the time to tell her everything and completely clear the air between us. The fact that she isn’t angry shocks me a little and I'm hoping that she will still feel that way when I finish.

“I'm not gay. God, even saying it sounds so fucking lame. It’s not that I'm not gay, it’s that I can’t be gay. I'm gay … holy fuck …
I'm gay
.” The words sound foreign to me but they don’t sound wrong. They don’t make me panic or make my heart race like I thought they would.

“Then why are you pretending to love me? If you love Bryce then you should be with him.” I expect her to look hurt but again, I'm surprised when all I see is confusion on her face.

“How can I be with him? I can’t be gay and still fight. I had to make a choice and he knew that we couldn’t be more than what we were.” Now I see some anger flashing in her eyes, but I'm not sure what’s caused it.

“Wow. That’s pretty fucking cold, even for you, Zeke. That guy is in love with you and you with him, and you found it so easy to just dump him when he wasn’t any use to you anymore. I always thought you were a decent guy, but now I'm beginning to think that you’re an asshole.” I stand and start pacing across the kitchen floor. I know what she’s saying is the truth, I haven’t handled this situation well at all, but I'm dealing with a lot. I thought I was doing the right thing. My career is important to me, this fight is the thing I've been concentrating on for the last few years. I can’t give that up for love and no one would expect me to.

“It’s not like that. You don’t understand. I can’t come out as gay in this sport, no one would fight me. I would be shunned. This is the only thing I've ever dreamt about, the only thing I've wanted to do with my life. Are you telling me you would give up your dream for love?” I grab my hair as frustration takes over.

“That’s the thing, Zeke. Being with the person you love is not giving up something, it’s gaining everything. To spend your life with someone knowing that they know you inside and out, knowing that they will be with you no matter what, that’s what’s important. That’s the prize right there.” I stop pacing and turn to look at her. I don’t understand why she’s being like this. Why is she pushing me towards Bryce, and why isn’t she being a bitch after what I did to her?

“Why are you being so fucking nice?” She laughs and it just weirds me out even more. I mean I faked being in love with her, asked her to marry me and basically used her to get over the man I love, she shouldn’t be sitting here smiling. I know I wouldn’t, I’d be throwing everything in my reach at me right now.

“Do you want me to scream and shout at you? Maybe I should come over there and beat your chest in anger. Will that help you feel better? I can’t say I'm happy about what happened but I can’t hate you for falling in love. Don’t get me wrong, if you had spoken to me the day after you confessed your feelings I probably would have cut you, but I've had time to think about it all. We were friends before we were anything else, so we will still be friends now.” I'm not used to people being nice to me, I'm used to anger and blame so this feels foreign to me. I think I have a deep down need for Asha to hate me, I think that’s why I say what I do next.

“I slept with Bryce last night, I cheated on you.” Her eyes widen and I brace myself for her anger, maybe some crying that will make me feel like shit.

“You saw him? Oh my god, where is he now?”
Fuck, this isn’t working
. I need her to yell at me, her being nice isn’t getting rid of my guilt, it’s adding to it.

“God, will you stop being so fucking nice about it. I was an asshole and cheated on you … with a guy. I asked you to marry me when I’ve never loved you that way. Fucking hell woman, can you just show some emotion?” She gets up from her chair and walks over to me. When she stands in front of me, she pulls her hands back and before I know it she's slapped me across the face. My hand flies to my stinging cheek, mouth dropping open in shock.

“Feel better? Is that what you wanted?” She has a cute little smile on her face and I can’t help but laugh at her. She does this stupid girly clapping thing before getting back to interrogating me again.

“Okay, now that’s done tell me what happened. Are you getting back together?” I let my head collapse backwards until I'm looking at the ceiling. I wish it was that easy to explain about last night, but I'm not completely sure what happened between us myself. I know that everything we did felt right, being with Bryce and letting him touch where no one has been before was like heaven on earth.

“You fucked it up again didn’t you?” I lift my head and look at her with a sad smile crossing my lips.

“I don’t know, maybe, all I know is I woke up alone and I still don’t know where he lives. I think this was his way of telling me goodbye. It’s for the best really, my fighting has to take priority.” Asha looks at me with a sad expression on her face, with one hand she reaches out and caresses my cheek.

“I want you to take a good look inside, Zeke. Can you tell me that you're happy, truly happy and that this is the life you pictured? I think if you were being honest with yourself you would see that it’s not. Since he left you don’t smile anymore. Maybe fighting isn’t everything to you now, maybe you have seen another way to live, one that makes you happy. If you can really say that you're happy then carry as you are, but if you have to think too long about it, then maybe it’s time to change some things. Will your championship belts love you when you're old, will they hold you on the cold nights?” She leans in and kisses me on the cheek before walking away. Just as she's about to leave the kitchen she looks over her shoulder. “And just so you know, I'm keeping the ring.” She winks at me and I let a small laugh out. I’d buy her a house right this second if she wanted one just for being here for me and accepting me. I walk to the hall and grab my gym bag from the cupboard, deciding that I would be better off working out than trying to answer the questions she just asked. If I do something energetic then my mind might switch off, thinking is not an option for me today.