Worth The Fight (Hard To Love Book 1) (22 page)

I rush from the gym before I give in to the urge to go back and kiss Zeke. The whole time I was in there, it took all my control not to tackle him to the ground and take him again.

I shouldn’t even be here. I told Trey that I forgot I had a job interview with a new ‘up and coming’ fighter, someone who was travelling and could only fit me in today. So apparently I don’t just cheat on him, I now lie so I can go to see other guys. I couldn’t tell him the truth though, not yet. After meeting Zeke in the supply store, Trey had started asking a lot of questions. With his lawyer mind, I know he saw something that made him slightly suspicious, and I didn’t want to have to tell him about my past with Zeke. I don’t know why I thought that coming here was a good idea, I thought that maybe we could put what happened between us to rest so we could move on and not be so awkward around each other. I should have known better, we can’t be in the same room without pissing each other off or letting our attraction take over.

I never wanted to admit to him how I feel about him because out of fear that he might use it against me. I can’t give him all the power and I know I feel more for him than he does for me so I need to keep my emotions hidden from him. He's made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want anything more than fucking with me, and I have finally accepted that now. If he truly loved me the way he said he did in his sleep, he would fight for me, show me that he doesn’t care what the world says about us. But I know his career is more important and that’s easier to keep in the forefront of my mind when I'm not standing right in front of him. When I am, the only thing I can think about is the memory of how he feels and tastes, and that leads to nothing but problems. I have this pull to him, something deep in my soul that hears him calling out to me and it’s nigh on impossible to ignore. I bang my head back against the headrest in my car, confusion making me frustrated. Maybe I should go back to being alone, at least then I knew what was happening in my life. How did I end up torn between two men?

Trey is amazing, he's smart, kind, sexy as hell and wants to be with me. He's happy to be seen with me, to admit how he feels to the whole world and would never hide me. The only problem is that I don’t know if I will ever love him like he deserves. He should be with someone who can give him one hundred percent of themselves, and no matter how hard I try there will always be a part of me he can’t have. Zeke holds that part of me that I will never get back, the part that only the guy I love can have. But, he's also the one who doesn’t want me in public and refuses come out of the closet to be with me. I know it’s nothing to do with me personally but it also hurts that he doesn’t think I'm enough for him to pick me. Then on the other hand, he also turns me on more than anyone else I've ever met. A simple look, a small touch and my body is on full alert, ready to act on anything he's willing to do. Why can’t I combine both of these guys and make the one perfect partner. I try not to think about how the only thing I would change about Zeke is the fact that he isn’t openly gay. If he could change that part of himself then he would be everything I want.

I shake my head, laughing at myself and my pro and con list. It’s official, I've turned into a teenage girl who’s torn between the nerd and the football star. When I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, I grab it and see a message from Trey, and even after everything I find myself smiling.

Sorry something’s come up, I won’t be able to come over tonight. You up for a visit tomorrow night?

I'm a little disappointed that I won’t see him tonight, but a night on my own is probably a good thing. It gives me a chance to really think about everything, and maybe I can work out how I'm going to come clean to Trey about Zeke. I don’t know how I even bring it up, and I don’t think he’d be able to forgive me. I know that there is a good chance that this will rip us apart but I can’t have this hanging over our head. I don’t want the risk of Zeke saying something in the future, that is ammunition I can let anyone have. I thought he was going to say something at the gym store today and my heart had been racing in my chest. I still can’t believe that I cheated on Trey, I would never have thought I would capable of that. I’ve always thought cheating was the lowest thing that someone could do, and I suppose I still do. I laugh at the irony of the situation before replying to Trey.

I’ll miss you, but tomorrow is great.

I put my phone in the centre console and putting the car into gear, I drive away from the gym and towards a night of thinking. A night to finally decide what I want.

Trey looks stressed as I watch him walk in the front door. It’s an unusual state to see him in, I'm used to seeing him cool, calm, and under control. I don’t even ask him if he wants a glass of wine, the look on his face telling me he might need the whole bottle. I have the glass poured by the time he walks into the kitchen and collapses into the chair next to the table. He gives me a smile as I pass the glass to him.

“Thanks, babe.” I lean down and kiss him gently before grabbing my bottle of beer.

“You look stressed, is everything okay?” The groan that leaves him tells me that he's had a terrible day, and I'm hoping it’s something that can be easily sorted. I know he deals with a lot of high pressure, high profile cases that attract a lot of attention so I’m wondering if one of them have gone wrong or garnered him some unwelcomed attention.

“It’s been the day from hell. An important piece of paperwork went missing and we had to spend the entire day looking for it. No one admitted to moving it but I'm pretty sure it was Quincy, and yes I swear that’s his name, that lost it. The guy causes more problems than he solves. The only reason he's still with the company is because his uncle is a friend of the senior partner. I don’t see why I ended up with him and why I should have to carry the dead weight. I win more cases than anyone in that firm so I should have the best staff, not that I'm being big headed … but yeah, I am.” I know he's telling me about his bad day but I can’t help but laugh at his rant. Watching how serious he is when talking about work is funny as hell.

“I'm glad I'm amusing you.” Even though he's trying to sound serious, I can see the humour in his eyes as he flips me off over the top of his wine glass, which causes me to laugh harder.

“Oh you are, you amuse me a lot. Usually when you're naked.” I realize what I've said when he chokes on a glassful of wine. “Shit, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant … well … it was … shit.” I can’t seem to get the words to come out of my mouth to explain what I meant. I was trying to say that last night in bed be made me laugh with all his questions, but now I realize how bad it sounded. His hand dramatically flies to his head as he exhales a pained cry.

“I can’t believe you said that. My naked body isn’t anything to laugh at, it is something to be adored!” He gets up from the chair, continuing the dramatics as he walks out of the kitchen and making it really hard not to laugh at him. “If you don’t want me, I’ll go find someone who finds me irresistible. I'm in demand you know. Demand, I tell you!” I slowly follow him down the hall, watching as he sways from side to side like an old forties actress suffering from palpitations. I let him reach the front door before I rush after him, spinning him round and pinning him to it.

“Don’t leave, I don’t think I could take a moment without you and your stunning naked body.” I steal his lips in a passionate kiss, and it isn’t long before the atmosphere goes from light and humorous to heavy and thick with desire. Passion takes over and we struggle to get each other naked quickly. With our clothes around our feet, I show Trey that he’s not the only one who can be in control, and from the way he screams out his orgasm, I think he likes it.

****

I close the door behind me and walk into the kitchen with the Chinese takeout that’s just been delivered. I’d planned on cooking tonight, but after the impromptu sex against the door with Trey earlier I couldn’t find the energy to finish preparing it.

I place the bag down and start taking out the containers while Trey grabs plates and cutlery. I can’t help but notice how domesticated the scene is. I find myself imagining what it could be like having this every day, the comfortable feeling between us is something that I've always wanted in a relationship. And then there’s the passion, when he touches me my body comes alive. He's sexy and alluring, and has a body that could turn a straight man gay. It’s not the same as Zeke’s body, it’s not as sculpted but with his tattoos and the way his muscles are perfectly toned, it’s a huge turn on. I feel guilt when I compare him to Zeke, it’s not fair to Trey when I do that. He can’t possibly win against the memories he doesn’t know I have.

An arm around my waist brings me back to the present, making me smile as I kiss Trey’s cheek. He really is a great guy, and if I give myself enough time, I really do think I could learn to love him. He rests his chin on my shoulder as I open all the food boxes and place them in the middle of the table so we can help ourselves. When I'm finished I just stand there and let him hold me. We’re quiet as we take our time to move, both of us obviously caught up in our thoughts.

“I like this, just being here with you. I don’t know when I've ever been this happy just staying in and spending time with someone. It’s been forever since I let anyone in like this. Thank you for letting me trust again.” His words have my heart stuttering in my chest. He hasn’t told me much about his past relationships but Nathan had hinted that he’d been hurt in the past, and that it had taken him a long time to get over it. I pull out of his hold, walking around the other side of the table and taking a seat. Sitting across from each other we fill our plates before I find the courage to ask the question that’s been on my mind all day.

“What happened with your ex?” I don’t look at him and focus on pushing the food around my plate. It takes a few minutes for him to speak, but I sit patiently as I wait for him to answer.

“I was with Dustin for about seventeen months before I realized that he was cheating on me. I had been asking him for months to move in with me but he kept making excuses as to why he couldn’t. I never thought to question him fully, I just thought he wasn’t ready. Anyway, the reason he couldn’t move in was because he was actually living with another guy and had been for about a year. That was the day I knew what it was like to have my heart broken. It took me a long time to trust anyone again, but I let you in. People who cheat are the lowest people out there, and it’s a very hard limit for me.” I feel the color drain from my cheeks as he speaks. Without knowing it, I’ve gone and done the one thing he would never forgive. I had treated him just like his ex did and hadn’t taken his feelings into consideration at all. But when I went to see Zeke that night, I had no intention of sleeping with him. One look at him standing there and all I could think about was giving into my cravings and having him. I hadn’t thought of Trey once, well not until I was leaving Zeke’s bed did the guilt hit me. I never imagined I would be the type of guy who would stray but one moment in Zeke’s company had me forgetting who I was.

Trey’s hand on mine makes me jump and I look up quickly, realising that I’ve been lost in my head again. I seem to have spent too many months stuck in some internal battle between my heart and my head, and it’s caused me so much stress. Now I have to add hurting Trey to that fight, and I know when he finds out what I did he’ll leave me.

“Are you okay, baby?” He looks worried as he watches me carefully, making me feel awkward. Here he is spilling his guts to me and I manage to make him worry about me.
Fuck, when did I turn into this guy?
I fake a smile at him, hoping he believes the poor attempt.

“I'm good, I think I have a headache coming on.” He squeezes my hand before returning to his meal. As I eat I can see his eyes watching me and it looks like he wants to ask me something but he just smiles before grabbing more fried rice. We eat in comfortable silence but I'm forcing the food into my stomach, the level of guilt eating me alive has tenfold since the start of the conversation.

When we’re finished we clean up the table, moving around each other as though we have done this hundreds of times before. It’s times like this that I wonder if I’m meant to be with Trey, it just feels like we are made for each other. I would jump into this with both feet if it weren’t for one simple fact: I'm still in love with Zeke.  When Trey is finished washing the dishes, he dries his hands and walks over to me. He traps me against the kitchen unit, his hands caging mine and leans in to kiss me gently. He lingers on my lips, licking and nibbling on them until I'm hard and pushing against the front of my jeans.

“How’s the head?” He breathes against my lips and I can’t help but groan in response. He really makes turning me on look so easy. He has such power over my body, it’s just my heart he needs to conquer.

“It’s better now. I think I was just hungry.” He rubs his nose over mine, kissing the tip before leaning his forehead against mine.

“You didn’t eat enough for the food to make you feel better. There’s something bothering you tonight, and I wish you would tell me what it is. I'm here for you. Only you.” I close my eyes as he speaks, pain ripping through me as I listen to him being wonderful. I can feel a tear work its way down my cheek, like my body is trying to release some of the guilt. I feel Trey’s finger wipe it away which causes a silent sob to work through me. This has been building for so long. Everything that’s been happening since I arrived here is making me want, to get on a plane and go back to the UK.

“Baby, I wish you would tell me what’s wrong. I hate seeing you in pain.” I let my head drop until it’s leaning on his chest. I enjoy the feel of him against me, for what might be the last time. I need to tell him what happened with Zeke, no matter how much it hurts the both of us. It’s better to get it out in the open now than later on. Maybe if I explain how and why it happened, he will let us move forward together, both of us with fresh starts. We are only just getting serious about each other now, so when I cheated it wasn’t like we were in a full relationship. Another sob wracks my body as I recognise that I'm trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, but I know it won’t. I know when the words come out my mouth I’m going to have to watch Trey walk out of my life, leaving me alone.

“I'm sorry.” I'm hoping the words are loud enough, because I don’t know if I’ll manage to repeat them around the lump that’s appeared in my throat. His hands cup my cheeks and raises my head, forcing me to look at him. I see a look of confusion on his face that is soon going to turn to one of hate.

“Why are you sorry?” Another tear falls and his confusion continues. I can see the moment that he comprehends what I'm trying to say, the look of pain in his eyes destroying me. It makes me want to hold him, but I doubt he would let me touch him. He’s backed away from me slightly, telling me that he knows and doesn’t want to be near me any more.

“Who?” His voice is strained, like he's trying to hold himself together.

“Zeke.” I can’t say anything other than his name, it’s too hard to speak. It must take him a few moments to realize who I'm talking about but he closes his eyes and I know he's made the connection.

“When?” He takes another step back, creating space I don’t want between us.

“About a week ago.” Trey grabs his hair and I barely recognise the noise that comes from him. It’s a mixture of pain and anger, and I don’t like it. I try to walk towards him but he holds his hand up, stopping me dead in my tracks.

“Don’t come near me.” He turns away from me, his hands dropping to his knees as he tries to catch his breath. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I need to make this easier for him but I don’t know how. He stands and faces me, a serious look on his face.

“So you slept with him before our first time?”
Fuck
. I don’t want to answer that, but I know there is no way to avoid it. He already knows the answer, he's just looking for confirmation. I can’t even say the words so just nod my head at him. He closes his eyes and I move back slightly, convinced I'm about to get a black eye. I wouldn’t blame him, after all I did cheat on him, keeping it secret while I moved forward in our relationship. I should’ve told him before we had sex and given him the chance to make the decision on whether it happened or not.

“I can’t fucking believe this. How do I pick the wrong guy every single time?” I don’t think he's actually talking to me as he walks past me towards the front door. I follow close behind him, not wanting him to leave but fully away that he's going to.

“Trey, talk to me. I can make this right, it doesn’t have to be this way. Let me explain.” He doesn’t stop moving as he grabs his belongings. I just want him to slow down to give me a chance to explain why I slept with Zeke but he's not letting me. He grabs the handle on the front door and I try one more time to get him to stop. “Trey, please wait!” He turns towards me, a look of pure hate on his face.

“Answer me this, did you sleep with me out of guilt? Is that why you suddenly gave yourself to me?” I feel color burning my cheeks as he asks talks. I know it wasn’t the only reason I slept with him, but there is some truth in what he's asking. I wanted to move on, to prove to myself I didn’t need Zeke. Treys face contorts into an angry snarl as he opens the door.

“Fuck you, Bryce. I can’t believe you did this to me. How could I be so stupid and not see you were hiding something? Thanks for breaking my fucking heart.” The tone of his voice lowers and is full of emotion. “I was falling for you. I thought you were the one.” He looks at me with eyes full of disgust as he leaves, slamming the front door behind him. I stand and stare at it feeling completely numb. I don’t feel the same heart wrenching loss I felt when Zeke walked away from me, but there is an ache deep in my stomach. I may have just lost the best chance I ever had at having a happy ever after.

****

I sit in the empty bath, putting the bottle of vodka to my lips and taking a large drink. I don’t remember how I ended up in here, but I know that I've been here since Trey left. I drop my head back against the wall behind me, repeatedly hitting my head against it again and again. I don’t know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. My life seemed so simple when I moved here for this job. It felt like I was finally getting over Austin, like I was actually moving on with my life and nothing could stop me. But something stopped me. A tall, sexy motherfucker who goes by the name of Zeke ‘The Storm’ Raine. I can’t even wish that I hadn’t met him, because the time I spent with him was honestly the best time of my life. I thought I loved Austin but it was nothing compared to how I feel for Zeke. I just wish he would get his head out his fucking arse and see I'm here waiting for him.