Worth The Fight (Hard To Love Book 1) (21 page)

“You’re trouble Mr. Tanner. I just need to make sure you're okay with everything I did to you. Sometimes I like things a little … rougher, and I need to know if you're comfortable with it. I will totally understand if you're not, not everyone is …” I kiss him, stopping the words and making him lose his train of thought. I feel his body relax on top of mine as he lets the kiss take over. I'm fine with everything he did, a little bit of roughness isn’t something that would chase me away, but there is something I need to know. I pull back so I can see his eyes as I question him.

“What you did was amazing, nothing was too much. I need to know something though, and maybe it’s something we should have discussed before now. Do you bottom?” The look that flashes over Trey’s face tells me my answer but I let him tell me with words.

“It’s not something I’ve done in the past, Bryce. Bottoming is usually a hard limit for me.” I wonder if that’s going to be a problem between us. I told Zeke that it wouldn’t be a deal breaker between us, but I don’t know if that was because I knew he hadn’t been with a guy before. Now thinking about spending my life with a guy and never being inside him is making me question this relationship. I don’t always top, I’ve always been a switch and enjoy nothing more than burying myself inside a warm body.

I'm pulled from my musings by Trey’s hands caressing my cheeks. My eyes move to his and I see the gentleness in them.

“I said it’s
usually
a hard limit, but for you I’ll try it. I'm not saying that I’ll love it, but I will try.” I bit my lip as my throat tightens with emotion. The fact that this guy is willing to try something he isn’t into just to keep me happy, makes him suddenly more important in my life. It proves that he's willing to compromise in this relationship and I won’t be the only one working towards what could be a great thing. I need to make this work with him, Zeke doesn’t want me but Trey does. Trey is such a great guy, he is kind and he honestly makes my heart beat faster, I just need to let myself give him a chance. I need to draw a line in the sand and move on from what’s happened in the last few months. This is what’s good for me, this is a healthy relationship.

“You keep saying things like that and a guy could really fall for you.” The smile I get in response makes my heart flutter. I think I could be happy with this man.

“I have the day off tomorrow, how about we do something together? I know of a gym about ten minutes away that has a shop next door that sells all the equipment that you probably know how to use.” This catches my attention. I haven’t managed to find a local gym that I've liked so my training has somewhat diminished. If this one is any good then it might be worth the drive every day to get a good workout.

“I think spending time with you in one of my favorite places sounds like fun. And you never know, you might like what you see and join with me.” He looks down at me with mischief in his eyes.

“I already like what I see.” And for the next hour he proves just that.

I hate this part of not having a coach.
Having to buy my own supplies is boring and time consuming. I don’t even know if I'm going to remember everything I need. I'm reading my list while I walk aimlessly around ‘Fighting Fit’ trying to find everything. It’s the best fighting equipment supplier in the area, and even though it’s a forty-minute drive it’s worth it to get everything in one place. It took me an exhaustive Internet search to find a place that stocked my favorite wraps, so the long drive isn’t a problem, or it usually isn’t because I'm not the one who normally does the driving. This is why I need to start thinking about replacing Bryce, even though the thought causes me physical pain. My chest aches when I think about finally giving up on the idea of having him in my life. If I fill his position then it’s admitting that he’s never coming back, and I’m definitely not ready for that.

The experience of being with him the other night was something I would never change, and if I was to be completely honest it’s something I want for the rest of my life. That’s all I've been thinking about since I woke up alone yesterday morning. I don’t know why it suddenly hit me, but I made a very important discovery about my life. I can live without a lot of things, but I know I can’t live without Bryce. I only have a few days before my big fight against Dwayne and if I win, it will be a kick-start to a new, more lucrative fighting career, but all I can think is that I don’t want to do it alone. I want Bryce by my side to celebrate every win or to hold me through every loss. I just need to decide how beg him to come back to me. I'm not stupid, I know that I've pushed him away too many times that when I confess that I want him he might laugh in my face. I know he might feel like I'm using him, that when he wanted something more from me I ran, but now that I’ve finally decided what I want, I expect him to come back to me. It sounds bad no matter how you look at it, but I can’t change that now. I just need him and I hope he understands.

I shake my head, determined not to spend the entire day thinking of him again. I just need to get what’s on my list and get back to the gym so I can work out some of my frustrations before heading into the steam room. This sounds like a fantastic plan and one I'm pretty sure will keep Bryce out of my mind. This plan would work perfectly if, when I raise my head, he wasn’t standing on the other side of the store right now. He’s looking at the supplements, picking up different bottles and reading them before putting them back on the shelf. He's wearing tight, black denim jeans that mold to his sexy as fuck ass, making me want to run my hands over it. His white shirt is tucked in and the sleeves are rolled up his forearms showing off his perfect arms. I get goose bumps when I remember how those arms felt around me, holding me against his chest as he slept. Those were the times that I want back, I’ve never experienced them with anyone else and I miss them. I miss him.

I just stand and watch as he looks around, moving from the supplements to another part of the store. I know I must look like a stalker but I don’t care, it feels like it’s been forever since I saw him and I want to get my fill of his sexiness. I don’t think anyone else has ever looked as good as he does right now, he’s simply the most stunning thing I've ever seen.

I take a deep breath and build up the courage to approach him, but before I move I see something that has my heart breaking in my chest. A really attractive guy walks up behind Bryce, working his arms around his waist and leaning his chin on his shoulder. I can see Bryce leaning into his body, relaxing into the embrace before kissing the guy on the cheek. They look comfortable together, like this isn’t a big deal for them, that being in public together is natural. It’s the kind of relationship I wish I had with him and watching them makes it hit home that I have completely missed my chance. He’s got someone who won’t keep him a secret, someone who won’t only kiss and hold him behind closed doors. The realization hurts more than I want it too, I want to pretend that this means nothing to me and I'm happy to move on, but I can’t lie to myself this time. It’s time to be honest and admit that I am one hundred percent in love with Bryce Tanner, not that the truth will make any difference now.

I turn to leave before I lose it, the ache in my chest making me want to scream, but my foot catches the bottom of a display unit. I watch in horror as every single can of muscle spray shakes on the shelf before settling down again. I say a silent thank you that I didn’t bring any attention to myself and I carefully move away from the unit. As I take my first step there’s a tug on the backpack I'm wearing and my eyes widen in horror when I hear a crash behind me. I stand and watch as dozens of cans fall all over the floor, the crash echoing the whole store. I close my eyes, praying that maybe the incident didn’t make as much noise as I thought it did. Maybe no one noticed? I know that it’s a useless thought, there’s no way that anyone inside the store didn’t notice the idiot who knocked over a display of noisy cans. I open my eyes and my worst nightmare is realized when I see Bryce standing in front of me, and he's holding the hand of the guy he's with.

“Zeke?” I can’t take my eyes off their joined hands. The hand that gave me so much pleasure just the other night. I wonder if he's told the guy that he was with me, because this doesn’t look like a new relationship, they look too comfortable with each other.

“Zeke?” This time his voice pulls my eyes up to his and I feel myself blushing. He's standing there looking as hot as sin, holding hands with an equally attractive guy, and I'm surrounded by a mess that I made, probably looking like shit. 

“Hi, I … uh … knocked them over.” I cringe at my inability to sound like a normal human being. Of course I knocked the fucking thing over, anyone with eyes can see that. There’s an awkward silence between us and I can’t tear my eyes away from Bryce. Someone clearing their throat has me finally turning away to find the guy with Bryce holding his hand out to me.

“Hi, I'm Trey Colby.” He doesn’t sound like a jerk as he says it and I hate him for that. I don’t want him to be nice, I want to be able to say to Bryce that he deserves someone better, someone like me, but I can’t if the guy is nice and polite.
Fucker.
I take his hand, putting a little more power into the shake than necessary.

“Zeke Raine.” He doesn’t give any sort of reaction when I say my name so I think it’s safe to say that he's not been told about me.

“Are you a friend of Bryce’s?” He looks between us and I don’t know what to say, so I raise my eyebrows at Bryce to let him know that the ball is in his court. I don’t know if I can trust myself not to tell this guy exactly how I know his boyfriend, and that I
knew
him only a few days ago.

“I used to train Zeke. He's an MMA fighter.” It actually hurts that he introduces me this way. I didn’t expect him to confess his undying love for me, but I wanted a little more than just ‘he trained me’. I think I meant a little fucking more to him than that.

“Oh come on, Bryce. We were more than that.” The look of horror that crosses his face makes me feel like shit, but I don’t have any intention of spilling his secrets. If he wants to build a relationship on lies then who am I to stop him? I look towards Trey before continuing. “We became pretty good friends too. I think it’s hard to work so closely with someone without there being something more.” I emphasize the ‘more’ and part of me hopes that this guy picks up on it. I can see Bryce’s cheeks color out of the corner of my eye and I know I need to stop being a dick but it’s coming so naturally. I've always been this way, when someone hurts me it comes out in my attitude. I need to get away before I say something that I can’t take back, something that will hurt Bryce.

“I'm sorry, I need to get to training. It was great seeing you, Bryce, I hope I see you soon. It was nice meeting you, Trey.” I don’t even wait for them to reply before I rush out of the store, stepping over the cans that still litter the floor.

****

I pound my fists into the bag in front of me, trying to get rid of some of the pent up anger that’s coursing inside me. I've been here for a hours and nothing is working, nothing is making me feel better. I keep replaying the scene with Bryce, of how happy he looked with that guy Trey.
What a stupid fucking name. Trey Colby
. Sounds like a porn star or some shit. Yes, yes, I know I'm sounding like a jealous ass hating on the guy who has my man, the man I pushed away until he couldn’t take anymore, but it’s making me feel better about everything. I need something to hate and I know that it will never be Bryce.

I feel a twinge through the top of my hand and I swear loudly, knowing it’s my old injury playing up. I don’t know if it’s the extra training or if my technique is suffering but something isn’t right. I wish I had someone to tell me what to do, because I need to win this fight as if my life depends on it. If I can’t have the man I love, then I need the career I love. I really wish Bryce was here to tell me what I'm doing wrong with my posture though, I think that’s what’s causing me to throw my arm wrong which is then causing tension on my wrist. I start to punch again and just like my wish is granted.

“You're dropping your right shoulder. There’s no way you will last the entire fight like that.” I don’t stop hitting but lift my shoulder, instantly feeling the difference when my fist connects with the bag. Why does he have to be so fucking good at this? I don’t turn to look at him but I can feel him moving to the other side of the gym. My curiosity finally gets the better of me and I turn to see what he's doing. Of course, just as I look at him, he strips off his shirt and throws it over the weight bench. I watch him and the way his muscles move as he tapes up his hands. He turns and walks towards me, flexing his fingers before stepping onto the sparring mat. He cracks his neck, waiting for me to walk over to him. Like a moth to a flame I move to him, preparing to fight.

“Where’s the boyfriend?” I can’t help but ask, hoping that maybe they had a huge fight over me and he's here to claim me.

“Trey had some errands to run. I thought it was a good time to maybe come and see you. Talk about what happened the other night.” I take the opportunity to swing at him, but just like old times, he moves out the way before I connect. It’s like he can read my body and knows the moves I'm going to make before I do.

“Is there anything that needs to be said? We had a moment, and then you went home to your boyfriend. Was he not putting out, is that why I got the bootie call?” Color works its way through Bryce’s face but this time I know it’s caused by anger, and I know that I might suffer for the comment but it’s how he made me feel. It’s his turn to take a swing, but the difference is that he connects with my left shoulder, knocking me back a step.

“You weren’t a fucking booty call. I had no intention of sleeping with you when I called. I wanted to talk, to clear the air. I can’t help it if my attraction to you got in the way.” Even though I can hear the anger in his words, I still smile upon hearing that he's still attracted to me.

“Did you tell him?” I punctuate my question with a kick, hitting him high on the leg so his knee collapses slightly. He recovers quickly and circles me. I match his movements, keeping my guard up.

“Not yet, I don’t … I don’t know how to explain it.” His voice lowers as he speaks and his eyes drop to the mat. I use it as an opportunity to make my final move. I grab him by the arm, pushing my hip into him and throwing him over it. He lands on his back and I collapse on top of him, no longer trying to win the fight, just wanting to talk to him.

“Explain what?” He looks up at me, recovering quickly from my surprise attack.

“Explain what happened. Explain us.” I watch his lips, wanting nothing more than to kiss his confusion away and let him see that it’s me he should be with.

“You could tell him the truth.” I say it as though it’s the simplest thing in the world but I know it’s not. And it’s not helped by the fact that I don’t think either of us know fully what the truth is.

“That’s the thing, I can’t tell him that. How do I tell the guy I'm trying to make a life with that I slept with the guy who still has my heart? How do I tell him that I had sex with you because I felt like I would die if I didn’t? The truth is that spending the night with you is something that I will never regret. I know I cheated on him, but I would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant being able to feel your body around me.” I don’t get a chance to answer before he tilts his hips and throws me off of his body. I land on my back and watch as he rips the bandages from his wrists and grabs his shirt. He rushes towards the door, buttoning up as he goes.

“Bryce?” He stops, but doesn’t turn towards me as I sit up.

“Will you be at my fight on Saturday?” His head drops and I can almost feel the pain flowing from him.

“I can’t, Zeke. I just can’t.” I watch as he leaves the gym, and I don’t know why, but I have a feeling that this might be the last time I ever see Bryce Tanner.