Where the Lovelight Gleams (9 page)

Cary wasn’t there.

Blinking in the glare of the sun, Ryan held up a hand to shield his eyes as he looked over the expanse of ice between the hut and the cottage up on the hill. He saw movement to the left, and his stomach clenched. Instead of walking the way they’d come across the main part of the bay, Cary was taking a shortcut by a tiny inlet.

They called it the narrows, and in the summer boats had to lift their motors while passing through. With the falling water levels in Georgian Bay, soon it would be little more than rock, with the pond beyond it dried out.

“Cary!” His cry echoed in the winter stillness, and Ryan raced after him, boots sliding.

Cary stopped, but even as he turned, an ominous
crack
filled the air, and he just
disappeared
. Ryan’s lungs burned as he ran, blood rushing in his ears. He battled the panic, and a voice reminded him that he wouldn’t be any good to Cary if he fell in too.

As Ryan reached the narrows, he dropped down to his stomach to spread out his weight and slithered closer to the jagged hole. “Cary!”

The ice creaked as he got closer, but he dragged himself on. When he came within an arm’s length, he met Cary’s wide-eyed stare. Cary’s face was barely out of the water, and his normally tanned skin was frighteningly pale. He made horrible gasping noises as he clutched at the sharp edges of the ice.

Fingers sliding, Ryan couldn’t get any purchase. He unwrapped his woolen scarf and tossed it toward the hole. It stuck to the wet ice, and Ryan used it to inch forward. “Grab the end!”

Still gasping, Cary reached out.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

For a moment that lasted a lifetime, Cary’s head disappeared below the black surface.

“No!” Praying the ice would hold, Ryan squirmed closer to the hole and plunged his hand into it. The cold took his breath away, but he was able to catch Cary’s hair. His fingers were hopelessly numb, but he forced his body to follow his commands and yank Cary back above the water.

Crack.

Another fissure in the ice appeared beside him. Ryan focused on Cary. “It’s okay. Hold on to my scarf as tight as you can.”

With trembling arms, Cary did as he was told, and Ryan backed up on his belly, knowing the ice around the hole wouldn’t hold both of them. It fractured farther as he tried to drag Cary to safety, but he moved back, inch by inch, until finally, arms burning, he was able to pull Cary onto solid ice.

He reached for Cary’s arm and dragged him along, not risking getting back on his feet until he knew the ice would be thick enough to hold them. When he was able to kneel, he drew Cary into his arms, gripping him tightly.

“It’s okay. You’re okay. Can you stand? We have to get you inside.”

Jerkily, Cary nodded, and Ryan wrapped an arm around his back. They struggled to find their footing on the ice and plodded slowly toward the shore. Ryan’s whole body felt numb and stiff—so he could only imagine how Cary felt.

Once they were back on solid ground, it took precious minutes to climb the stairs leading up to the cottage. Cary’s body didn’t want to bend, and he finally started shivering, which Ryan took as a good sign.

“Come on. You’re a Portigan warrior. You can do it.” Ryan’s voice sounded strained and frightened to his ears.

Cary might have been trying to smile, but it was a grimace instead. Still, he managed to move a little faster, and they made it to the top of the stairs with Ryan pushing and pulling. The cottage had never looked so welcoming as Ryan maneuvered Cary inside the mudroom and yanked off their boots and jackets.

The fire had burned out, but it still felt wonderfully warm in the living room. Cary swayed on his feet, and Ryan gripped him as he peeled off Cary’s wet clothing. After throwing down a blanket in front of the fireplace, Ryan eased Cary down and rubbed his icy flesh. The hospital was an hour away, and he needed to get Cary warm now.

He knew the best thing for hypothermia was body heat, so Ryan stripped off his clothing and stretched out on top of Cary, his hands roaming. Cary shuddered helplessly, but after some of the longest minutes of Ryan’s life, began to warm up.

“You’re okay now.” Ryan murmured as he stroked Cary’s body. “I’ve got you.” He examined Cary’s body for signs of frostbite, but found nothing.

With jerky movements, Cary wrapped his arms around Ryan’s back. Ryan stilled his movement, and they held each other until their ragged breathing slowed. Ryan hadn’t realized how fast his pulse was racing until it returned to normal. He buried his face in Cary’s neck and pressed kisses to the damp skin.

“I don’t ever want to lose you,” he whispered.

“Ry.” Cary’s voice was wrecked.

Ryan struggled to keep his voice steady. “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” Cary’s fingers tightened on Ryan’s back.

Ryan wasn’t sure how long they stayed in each other’s arms. Finally he pulled himself away—much to Cary’s obvious displeasure—to start a fire and grab another blanket from the rocking chair to pull over them.

The fire sparked to life, radiating warmth and flickering light over Cary’s still-pale skin. Ryan rubbed Cary’s chest. “Feeling better?”

Nodding, Cary closed his eyes. “So tired. It was…I couldn’t move. My brain was screaming, but my body couldn’t do anything. I thought…I’ve never been so scared.”

“Shh.” Ryan kissed Cary’s chest and caressed his belly. “You’re okay.”

“Thanks to you.” Cary stroked Ryan’s hair.

As they kissed gently, Maureen’s voice suddenly rang out from the mudroom. “What a fine mess to come home to. Ryan! Pick up after yourself for bloody once in your life!”

Ryan bolted upright, still sitting tangled in the blankets as Cary groaned. He kept a firm hand on Cary’s chest, not wanting Cary to move too soon. “Mom, wait!”

But she was already throwing open the door, and she skidded to a halt just inside the entrance, mouth open. Lisa, Tony and Jack stopped behind her, eyes wide.

“I can explain—” Ryan began.

“Well, this is certainly what we were all hoping for, but a little decorum would be appreciated. This isn’t
Hollywood
, Ryan.” His mother’s face flushed brightly. She called out behind her, “Children! Stay outside for a minute!”

“It’s not what it looks like.”

“Of course not!” Lisa grinned. “Do explain then, little brother. We’re all ears.”

“Cary fell through the ice. I had to warm him up and—”

He didn’t get a chance to finish in the volley of exclamations. Lisa and Maureen hurried over, all business as they examined Cary, poking and prodding. Ryan could only scurry out of the way with one of the blankets wrapped around him.

“I told you it was too early to be out on the ice!” Maureen scolded her husband.

“It was a foot thick!” Jack ran a hand through his silver hair. “I’m sorry, Cary. Is he all right?”

“Dad, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I never told him not to cross at the narrows.”

Amid the hubbub, Cary spoke up. “If it was anyone’s fault, it was mine. But Ryan knew just what to do.”

“How are you feeling, dear?” Maureen held Cary’s wrist with one eye on her watch.

“Better. Like I could sleep for a week.”

“Of course. Let’s get you to bed.” She shook her head. “This is why I say stay off the ice! You just never know. You could have both drowned,” she muttered.

Holding the blanket awkwardly, Ryan crouched down to help Cary to his feet, keeping his arm around Cary’s back. “We’re fine, Mom. Really. We just need to rest now.”

For a moment, silence stretched out, and they all looked at each other. Tony cleared his throat.

“So…you sure there’s nothing else going on? Because Maria’s been saying for months that you two have, and I quote, like, amazing chemistry.”

It was Ryan’s turn to blush. He glanced at Cary, who studied the floor, a telltale dimple in his cheek.

“Ah ha! Finally!” Lisa bounced on her toes. “Told you, Mom.”

“It seemed too good to be true! Oh Ryan. Cary’s such a lovely young man and we’re all thrilled—”

“Um, can we have this conversation when Cary and I aren’t naked?” Ryan asked.

“That would probably be best, son.” Trying to hide a smile, Jack clapped him on the shoulder as Ryan steered Cary toward the stairs.

“Can we come in yet? It’s cold!” Amy cried out from the mudroom.

His family’s laughter rang through the cottage, and as they made their way to the attic, Cary and Ryan chuckled softly. Ryan guided Cary to the guest bed and tucked him in. But Cary reached for him as Ryan backed away.

“Stay. I’m still cold. Need your body. You know, for the warmth.”

“I guess if it’s a medical necessity, I can’t really say no.” Ryan couldn’t stop grinning as he snuggled in under the covers. “Now sleep.”

Cary nuzzled Ryan, kissing him softly, his eyes already shut. “Okay.”

* * * *

They woke to the smell of sizzling pork and what Ryan could imagine were crispy roasted potatoes. His stomach growled, and Cary huffed out a laugh, his breath warm on Ryan’s chest.

“I think dinner’s almost ready,” Cary murmured.

“You feel up to it? I’m sure my mom will bring up a tray.”

“I think I’m okay.” Cary stretched his limbs and turned onto his side, facing Ryan on the narrow bed. “Feel a lot better than I did earlier, that’s for sure.” His expression darkened. “I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to think that I don’t want to be with you.”

“Really?” Ryan’s heart skipped a beat.

“Really.” Cary kissed him tenderly. “I want you more than anyone I’ve ever known. It’s just so new. My head is spinning. Up here it feels like we’re in our own secret world. I can’t help but be afraid of what will happen when we go back to the real one. I know I shouldn’t be. I know I should be stronger.”

“No, no.” Ryan brushed back Cary’s disheveled hair. “You
are
strong. I’m afraid too. Afraid you’ll change your mind.”

“I won’t change my mind.” Cary rubbed their noses together. “I want to be with you, Ryan.”

“What if we get back and everything’s different? And your father pressures you, and Amanda wants you back and—”

“She’s the one who told me to come here.” Cary drew away, a smile tugging at his lips. “She was always jealous of you. Finally she told me to just man up and admit I was in love with you.”

Ryan’s breath stuttered, and his voice squeaked embarrassingly. “Love?”

“Duh.” Cary smiled and brushed his thumb across Ryan’s bottom lip. “Of course I’m in love with you. Have been for a long time. Amanda pushed me to admit it.”

“She’s not so bad, really.”

Laughing, they kissed, mouths opening and tongues twining. When Ryan pulled away a minute later, breathless, he pressed kisses all over Cary’s face—cheeks, forehead, chin, the tip of his nose.

His stomach was all butterflies in the best way. “In case it wasn’t clear, I love you. I’m sorry I pressured you. I know you need time before we tell the world.”

“So you understand? It’s not that I don’t want to be with you, or that I’m ashamed of you. God, I could never be ashamed of you. You make me want to be a better person. A better man. I’m so proud to be with you. To be wanted by you. But the idea of coming out before I understand who I am? It really scares me.”

“I don’t blame you. I was being selfish. Insecure.”

Cary held him tightly. “Whether I’m gay or bi, I’m with you. That doesn’t change. You’re the only one I want to be with. The only one I want to kiss at midnight when the ball drops. Or on Boxing Day. Whatever the hell that is.” His eyes crinkled at the corners.

Ryan’s own laughter was like a balm. “It’s clearly a day when…I have no idea, but Canadians get the day off work, so it’s awesome. Definitely kissworthy.”

“Assuming you still want to kiss me, that is.”

Ryan felt as though his body was filling with helium and he could just float away. “I guess that would be okay. Maybe we should give it a try. Make sure we have our form down for New Year’s.”

“Good idea. Rehearsal.” Cary cleared his throat and leaned back to mime a clapperboard with his hands. “Scene one, take one. Actually, take two. We kind of messed up on the first take. But I think we’ve got it now.”

Grinning, Ryan pulled Cary back into his arms. “Action!”

Epilogue

“Can you sign my magazine, Mr. Holloway?”

Ryan glanced over from where he and the kids played Monopoly on the floor by the glittering tree. This year Tony’s niece had joined them for Christmas, and fifteen-year-old Maria was fairly vibrating, unable to contain her excitement as she held out the latest issue of
Vanity Fair
and a marker pen.

From the couch, Cary smiled and put down his e-reader. “Sure. Come on, sit down. And call me Cary, remember?” He scrawled his autograph in the corner near the headline.

Hollywood Son Cary Holloway Comes Out: Are We Ready for a Bisexual Leading Man?

“And the pictures inside? Ryan signed his.”

There was a four-page spread in the magazine of Cary in various poses, along with a candid shot of Cary and Ryan hand in hand at a fall film premiere—their first official event as a couple.

“Is it true that your dad hardly even talks to you anymore?” Maria asked.

Before Ryan could interject, Lisa called out from the kitchen. “Maria. Remember what we said about gossiping?”

“Sorry, Aunt Lisa.” Maria appeared genuinely abashed. “Sorry, Cary. I just think it sucks.”

“It’s okay. I think it sucks too.” Cary glanced at Ryan and gave him a tight smile.

Sucks
was an understatement, and Ryan had to choke down the anger that bubbled up whenever he thought of how Cary’s family had reacted to his coming out. At least his mother seemed to be softening. His father and grandfather were another
story, but Cary shrugged it off. Most of the time. Some nights all Ryan could do was hold him, since there were no words.

“Can you sign my DVDs too?” Maria thrust the first two seasons of
Space Academy
at Cary. “I really wish they’d release the show on Blu-ray. Especially now that it got a two-season pickup. Everyone’s talking about it. Especially about Stishi. You guys are, like, the best ev.”

“And Cary’s
soooo cute
,” Ethan said, ducking out of the way as Maria deftly picked up a chestnut from the bowl of nuts on the coffee table and fired it across the room.