Where the Lovelight Gleams (5 page)

Although Cary’s lips were cool, beyond them the heat of his mouth drew Ryan in uncontrollably. Their tongues tangled, and the fire in Ryan’s veins shot straight to his cock. It felt so good, and he’d wanted it for
so long
. He breathed Cary in as Cary shook off Ryan’s grasp on his wrists and grabbed Ryan’s head and—

With a gasp, Ryan sat up and staggered to his feet. “I’m sorry! Jesus. I didn’t mean to…”

Cary sat up in the snow. His hair was damp and mussed, and he took a shaky breath. “Ryan…”

Ryan raised his hands. “You don’t need to say it. This was just…muscle memory.” Shame burned in his gut.
How could I be so stupid?

Cary blinked. “Muscle memory?”

“You know, from the show. From kissing you on set. I didn’t mean to do it just now. You know I don’t feel that way about you.”

“Right.” Cary’s face was blank as he reached for the toque and put it back on. “Of course. I know.”

Cary was probably in shock, and Ryan prayed he hadn’t ruined their friendship. “Seriously, you don’t have to worry. You’re the last guy I’d want to be with.”

As Cary got to his feet, he kept his eyes averted. His voice was tight. “I get it. It was just…an accident. Like you said—muscle memory.” He brushed the snow off his jeans. “We should get the tree back.”

Great. He can’t even look at me
. “Yeah. I hope…I don’t want things to be weird. Especially with you staying here.”
He probably wants to catch the first flight back to LA.

“Do you want me to leave?” Cary’s expression was still impassive, and his gaze was fixed somewhere on the horizon. His shoulders hunched.

“No! Of course not. You’re my best friend. Can we just forget this happened?”

“Yeah. It’s all good, man. Just like another rehearsal.” He reached out his fist, and Ryan bumped it. Cary’s lips lifted in a ghost of a smile before he picked up the trunk of the fallen tree and began dragging it. He kept his head down.

* * * *

“It’s
my
turn to put on the star!” Amy stamped her foot.

“Uh-uh. You did it last year. Moooom, tell her she can’t do it!”

Lisa sighed and swallowed a sip of wine. “Ethan, can’t you and your sister do it together?”

Maureen spoke up from the kitchen, where she was pressing shortbread dough into a glass dish and singing along to the jazzy Ella Fitzgerald Christmas album they listened to on repeat every year. “It is Christmas, after all. Santa would want you to cooperate with each other.”

Grumbling all the way, Ethan and Amy climbed up on the stepladder. Amy wailed, “I can’t reach!”

Tony hoisted her up. “Now you’re taller than the tree!”

Amy giggled and reached down to straighten the star as her brother placed it atop the tree. “Lights!”

On cue, Ryan plugged in the cord in the outlet by the fireplace, and the whole tree lit up red, green, blue, pink, and yellow, with the bright white star the crowning jewel. “Ta-da!”

Everyone clapped, and Amy squealed as her father swooped her through the air in his arms. When Ryan stood, he caught Cary’s gaze, but Cary quickly glanced away. Ryan’s stomach churned, and he tried to hide a grimace as his mother passed out glasses of nog. She put her hand on his forehead.

“I’ve never seen you turn up your nose at my nog before!”

“I’m fine, Mom.” Ryan took a gulp of the sweet, creamy drink. “See?” His mother always spiked nog with amaretto, and the almond liqueur burned pleasantly in Ryan’s throat. Maybe a drink was just what he needed to forget what a complete moron he was. He concentrated on Ella’s smoky voice jauntily advising on building a snowman in the meadow and calling him Parson Brown.

He was on his second glass when his mother brought in a tray of sausage rolls and settled onto the couch beside him. Cary was in one of the armchairs, and the rest of the family relaxed in various seats or on the thick carpet. The Christmas tree cast colored light over everyone’s faces, and Ryan munched happily on a sausage roll.

Maybe everything would be fine. Sure, it had been a little awkward with Cary since…the incident. But Cary seemed okay, eating his sausage roll and talking to Ethan about the latest edition of
Halo
. It would be fine. He and Cary had been friends for a long time now—at least in Hollywood years—and it was just one stupid kiss. Cary had been nice about it, and they’d move past it. Yes, it would be fine.

“The other day I was waiting in Dr. Feinberg’s office.”

Ryan snapped his wandering mind back to his mother. “Is everything okay?”

“What? Oh yes. I was just getting a wart on my toe burned off.”

Amy wrinkled her nose. “Ewwww!”

“Gotta go with Amy on this one, Mom,” Lisa added from the other end of the couch.

“My point is that I was reading about that David Baker. You know, from those movies.”

Here we go
. “Oh right. Yeah, I heard he came out.”

Maureen leaned in and stage-whispered, “And he’s single!”

“Mom, I don’t even know him.”

“But you’re both actors! Of course you know him. Don’t you think he’s handsome?”

“Maureen, give the boy a break.” Ryan’s father glanced up from the fishing magazine he was flipping through.

Ignoring her husband, Maureen turned to Cary. “Do you know him?”

Cary shrugged. “Not really. I met him once at the Golden Globes. He did a movie with my father.”

“You see? Ryan, you should get Cary to introduce you. Cary, don’t you think they’d make a lovely couple?”

“Yeah. Sure.” Cary fiddled with his cocktail napkin, tearing it into neat strips.

“
Mom
. Enough. I know you mean well, but I don’t need any help with my love life.”

“Well, it
has
been forever since you’ve had a boyfriend,” Lisa muttered.

“
Et tu, Brute
?” Ryan glared. Okay, it was true he hadn’t dated anyone seriously in…well, since he met Cary. “I don’t have time for a boyfriend. We work fifteen-hour days.”

“But you don’t work in the summer,” Tony said. “And Cary has time for a girlfriend.”

Ryan clenched his jaw. “How do you even know that?”

“Maria follows Cary’s love life like it’s a hockey pool.” To Cary, he added, “That must be weird, huh?”

Cary shifted in his seat and shrugged, clearly incredibly uncomfortable. God, it was bad enough Ryan had crossed the line and kissed him—now everyone was going to start asking about Amanda. Ryan jumped in before anyone else could say anything. “Look, when I meet Mr. Right, you’ll all be the first to know, okay?”

Jack cleared his throat. “Yes, I think that’s enough grilling for now. It’s Christmas, not the Inquisition.”

Ryan’s mother sighed. “I’m sorry, dear. I just want you to be happy. Isn’t there anyone you’re interested in?”

The memory of the dimples in Cary’s cheeks and the warm taste of his mouth invaded Ryan’s mind. “No! There isn’t.” He kept his gaze locked on his glass.

“Mom, I think we should go check on the roast. Kids, set the table, please.” Lisa gave Ryan’s shoulder a quick squeeze as she passed by behind the couch.

When Ryan dared to look over, Cary was reading one of Jack’s fishing magazines. He was apparently engrossed, and didn’t look up once until they were called to dinner.

* * * *

Tugging at the collar of his ridiculous reindeer pajamas, Ryan tried to get comfortable in his narrow bed. He heard Cary climbing the ladder and debated whether to fake sleep. But Cary appeared before he could decide, and their eyes met. Ryan swore a current of electricity sparked in the air between them, but clearly he’d had too much eggnog.

Cary’s hair was damp, and he gave his face another swipe with his towel before hanging it over the end of his bed. His T-shirt clung to his lean muscles, and Ryan thought about what Cary had said the night before about sleeping nude.

Stop. Danger. Retreat!

Ryan stared up at the neon solar system as Cary flicked the light off and climbed into bed across the narrow room. Ryan knew he should say something and was batting around ideas when Cary beat him to it.

“Hey, do you think your parents would mind if I call long distance tomorrow? I’ll pay for it. I’d use my cell, but no service, so…”

“Sure. It’s no problem. And you can give your folks our number in case they want to call. My parents won’t mind at all.”

There was a beat of silence. “Why would they call?”

“Oh. Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve. I thought…but right, your family’s not into Christmas.” Ryan’s palms itched, and he felt like an idiot. It was like every word out of his mouth made everything worse.

“No. Anyway, I’m going to call Amanda and apologize.”

Ryan bolted up in bed and came extremely close to whacking his head on the slanted ceiling. “
Amanda?
But I thought…I mean, you said she wasn’t right for you.”

“I overreacted. I should apologize and try to work it out with her. I can probably move up my flight and get home for New Year’s. It’s her favorite holiday.”

“Right. Sure. Yeah, you can use the phone whenever you want.”

“Cool. Thanks.”

As the minutes ticked by, Ryan stared up at the glowing planets and stars. He listened for Cary to fall asleep, but in the tense silence, he didn’t seem to be sleeping either. Ryan cursed himself again. For a year and a half he’d kept his feelings in check, and in one careless moment of want he threw it all away.

Ryan couldn’t blame him for being upset. Cary trusted him to be a good friend—not to put the moves on him. Especially when Cary was fresh off a breakup. Not to mention
straight
. He came for the holidays to relax and get away from it all, and Ryan had just made everything worse. He couldn’t blame Cary at all for wanting to leave.

As the minutes ticked by, Ryan found himself wishing he could ask Santa for a do-over.

Chapter Four

“See how thick that ice is? Tell your mother she’s worrying for nothing.”

Ryan nodded dutifully. “Yes, Dad. Although this is early to have the hut out. I can’t remember the last time you fished in December. It’s nice.”

Next to him, Cary shifted on the wooden bench, his knee brushing Ryan’s. Quarters were tight in the hut with Ryan, Cary, and Tony squeezed onto the bench. On the other side of the fishing hole sawed into the ice, Ryan’s father sat back on his folding chair.

A fire in a metal drum kept the hut relatively warm, and of course the wooden walls and roof protected them from the wind. A chimney funneled the smoke from the fire outside and a gas lantern hung from a hook in the ceiling.

“Now I know it isn’t much, Cary, but I’ve caught thousands of fish in this hut. Plenty of people today want all the mod cons, but all I need is a seat, a fire, and a hole in the ice for my pole.”

Cary smiled. “It’s great. I wish I’d been able to go fishing as a kid.” He ran his gloved fingers over the rod and reel he held. “I love it out here.”

“You’re not too cold? It’s a far cry from Malibu, I know.” Jack smiled kindly.

Cary’s lips were practically blue, but he shook his head. “I’m good. How many years have you had this place?”

“Hmm. I suppose it’s almost twenty years now. Ryan was about five when we bought it. It was awfully run-down, but we fixed it up over the years. If Ryan had his way, he’d have built us a mansion, but it suits us just fine the way it is.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “I didn’t want to build a mansion. I just wanted to help pay for the work on the roof. You know you can’t put it off for another winter.”

“And I won’t. I’m retiring this summer, and I’ll have plenty of time to do the work.”

“Ryan said you work for the government. Are you looking forward to retirement?” Cary asked.

Jack grinned. “Am I ever. I’ve spent long enough as a civil servant. Have to spend some time catching fish before the bay dries up. Water levels keep going down and last year we barely had a white Christmas.”

Ryan and Tony shared a glance. Jack could talk for hours about global warming and the water levels and the impact on the environment—and fishing.

Tony stood. “Well, I’ve had enough for today, fellas. I’ll take the catch in.”

Jack checked his watch and sighed. “I suppose we should call it a day.”

“I just want to catch one more. Is it okay if I stay?” Cary asked.

“Sure. I’ll stay with you,” Ryan quickly replied.

His father chuckled as he stood and stretched his arms over his head. His hands brushed the ceiling. “I’ve never seen you so eager to fish, son. I used to have to drag you out here.”

Shrugging, Ryan fiddled with his rod. “It’s not so bad after all.”

“I suppose you’re older and wiser and can finally appreciate the finer things in life.” Jack ruffled Ryan’s hair, and Ryan ducked away with a laugh.

Ryan and Cary stood so Tony could squeeze by. Ryan’s rod dipped with an insistent tug, and he quickly sat back down to reel in the fish while Cary lifted the bucket.

“You two okay to take out the lures? Just remember what I showed you,” Jack said. “We’ll take the cooler, and you can bring the rest in the bucket. Don’t be too long. Your mother will have dinner on the table soon.”

“Thanks, Mr. Drake. We won’t be long.”

“It’s Jack, remember?”

Cary smiled. “Thanks, Jack.” He stood as Jack and Tony left. When he sat back down, he left room between him and Ryan on the bench. “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

Ryan shifted and let out the line on his rod a bit. “Do you want to be alone? I can go.”

“Whatever. If you wanna stay, it’s cool.”

“Okay.” Ryan hated the awkwardness between them. He and Cary had always been so comfortable with each other, and now Ryan had changed everything. He cleared his throat. “I have to say I didn’t peg you for an ice fishing fan.”

Cary bobbed his rod up and down and shrugged. “It’s peaceful.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes until the words that had been swirling through Ryan’s mind spewed out of his mouth. “I don’t think you should call Amanda.”

Cary visibly tensed. “Why not?”

“You said it yourself. You two aren’t right for each other.”

“Yeah, well. Maybe I don’t know what’s right for me. I thought I did, but I was totally wrong.”