When We Fall (10 page)

McKenna

Luke and I were elbow deep in noodles and tomato sauce, and I was trying to understand what he meant about me forgiving Knox. I knew Knox’s background as a sex addict, but since I’d forgiven that a while ago, something told me there was more Luke was referring to.

Using my clean hand to push a
lock of hair behind my ear, I turned to face Luke. “What do you mean?”

He swallowed and his
gaze wandered over to Knox’s. Knox looked like someone had punched him in the stomach. His shoulders were rounded forward and his face had gone pale. Knox shook his head at Luke, and his mouth pulled into a frown.

My hands felt shaky and I gripped the edge of the counter for support.
“L-Luke?” I stammered.

The entire kitchen went still and silent as the weight of this moment bore down on us. Something was about to happen. Something Knox didn
’t want me to know, if his reaction was any indication.

“
It’s time, Knox. She needs to know. No more hiding, right?” Luke said, his voice barely above a whisper.

I licked my lips and faced Luke again, my eyes begging his for the truth.

Without any further prompting, Luke took a deep breath and began. “All of this—Knox cleaning up his act, us being here today, volunteering for a drunk-driving cause—it’s Knox’s way of trying. Listen to me. He loves you. Don’t forget that.”

I nodded slowly, fighting to comprehend where this was headed.
“Tell me, Luke.”

Luke
’s gaze shot over to Knox once again. “You gonna do this, or should I?”

Knox dropped the knife he
’d been holding onto the chopping block. “I will.”

Escorting me to a back hallway, Knox
’s fingertips at the small of my back felt cold and lifeless. He was terrified for me to learn whatever he was about to tell me, and I was equally as scared. Just as my life had begun to stabilize, I sensed everything I thought I knew was about to change. The feeling was disorienting.

Knox and I stood in silence for several heartbeats
. I was torn between wanting him to tell me the truth about whatever it was he’d been hiding, and living in blissful ignorance for a while longer.

“
You know I love you, right?” he started.

I nodded slowly. The sentiment that sometimes love wasn
’t enough pushed itself to the forefront of my brain, and I steeled myself for whatever he was going to say next.

“
You never asked about the reason I showed up at that first sex addicts meeting. And I never offered the information.”

He was right. I d
idn’t know why it never occurred to me before, but now I was filled with curiosity. What had prompted him to take that step? I recalled he’d said that he was there at the request of his counselor. “You were in counseling,” I offered.

“
Yes.”

“
Why?” I asked softly. I could only assume it had something to do with sex, and I shuddered at the thought. Had he hurt someone? Done something awful?

“
We should talk about this later, when we have more—”

I shook my head. I needed to know.
“I know about your past, what more could you possibly tell me?”

“
You don’t know everything.” He hung his head.

“
You’re scaring me. Did you father a child you never told me about?”

“
No. But I have a feeling that might be easier for you to stomach.”

“
Knox. Just tell me.”

“
All right,” he said, running a hand roughly through his hair so it stood in odd directions. “Promise me one thing. That you won’t run.”

I nodded.
“I’m here. You have me.”

Agony twisted his features.
“Before I met you, I was a mess. Weekends were my escape from reality, and I used them to their fullest. I drank too much, fucked too often, and didn’t really care about the ramifications.”

I waited for him to continue, the sound of my own heartbeat thundering in my ears.

“One night last summer, I got a little too fucked up. And instead of walking home like I should have, or calling a cab, I drove my Jeep home. Or at least, I tried to.”

My hands clutched at the cement wall behind me, fighting for something solid to hold on
to.

“
I was pulled over and arrested that night for drunk driving. I had no business being behind the wheel, and I spent that night and most of the next day in jail. My brothers were terrified something horrible had happened to me. I’m all they have, and it was a huge fucking wake-up call that I couldn’t abandon them like everyone else had. I knew I could never do something that reckless ever again, but the damage was done. I was convicted of drunk driving, sentenced to community service, and ordered to see a counselor for anger management after smarting off with the judge. The counselor I saw diagnosed me with sexual addiction rather than anger issues, and referred me to SAA.”

I felt betrayed in the deepest way. Knox
’s past had collided with my own, and the wreckage was overwhelming. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“
When I asked you about how you became a sex addiction counselor, I’d wanted to hear about your sordid past, maybe learn that you’d overcome this addiction yourself and turned your struggle into helping others. But instead, you were simply a good person who was stepping in to help. It made me feel like a fucking charity case. I couldn’t tell you then. And since I wanted to see where this was headed, I didn’t.”

Part of me understood why he didn
’t open up with that information right away. But later, once we were together and he knew about my parents, there was just no excuse. And now him being here today, volunteering at a drunk-driving charity, it felt like a sorry excuse for an apology. I felt tricked and cheated. The man I’d come to love with my whole heart had hidden part of himself from me.

“
Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said, his voice whisper soft.

“
I’m going to need some time.”

Knox
nodded, acknowledging my need for space and time to sort through the conflicting feelings inside me. I hated drunk drivers, despising the reckless, careless attitude that put them behind the wheel and endangered others. And I’d just learned the man I loved was one of them, and not only that, but he’d hidden it from me for months.

T
ears streamed down my cheeks. “I need to go…”

He nodded.
“Okay. I’ll tell the boys you had to leave. Just don’t give up on me, McKenna.”

“
’Bye, Knox.”

Knox

In the moments before I told McKenna, her blind faith in me made it all the more painful. She’d watched me with those wide blue eyes, waiting for whatever I was about to say. And I knew it was going to fucking crush her. There was nothing worse than the feeling of hurting her. She was so sweet, so pure. She didn’t deserve the shit I put her through.

My troubles with the law
—my court-appointed counseling sessions, the entire reason I’d met her—all of it stemmed from drunk driving. I’d just completely shattered her world. And I hated the sight of her face going completely pale as all the blood drained away. It wasn’t fair asking her not to run. Of course she was going to run. I was a monster of the worst kind. I couldn’t even be honest with the woman who owned the deepest part of me.

I headed back into the kitchen in a daze
to face my brothers.

“
What happened?” Jaxon asked, concern lacing his features.

“
She’s gone, isn’t she?” Luke asked.

I nodded, confirming the worst. It was what I
’d expected, but it stung more than I thought it would. The urge to hit something flared inside me. My hands curled into fists as I tried to calm the deep, searing anger burning inside me. I’d found the perfect girl—given her my heart—and it was all for nothing. Maybe this was punishment for all the girls I’d used and tossed aside over the years. Karma was a motherfucking bitch.

And now I needed to put on my happy face and be there for my brothers. Our little adventure today suddenly seemed so trite
—we were fucking volunteering at a drunk-driving benefit. How in the world I ever thought this could make up for my lack of honesty with the girl I loved, I had no idea.

“
Knox?” Tucker’s little voice broke my concentration from the spot I’d been studying on the floor. His brown eyes were flooded with worry.

“
Everything’s gonna be okay, bud. I promise.”

I had no fucking clue if that was true, but
I couldn’t admit that to him. If it wasn’t true, if she couldn’t forgive me, I was going to head into the nearest bar for liquor and pussy to numb myself with.

McKenna

I was in love with a man I could never be with. We’d successfully hurdled his sexual addiction and that was the easy part. But this…I had no words. I never dreamed our shared, shattered pasts would be what stood in our way. We’d come too far. Lost too much. The universe was playing some sick joke on me, seeing just how far I could be pushed before I snapped. Well, this was it. I’d reached my breaking point. The score was the universe: one, McKenna: zero.

Knox
hiding this from me the entire time hurt worse than finding out he’d been convicted of the crime in the first place. The very crime that killed my parents. My life was rocky enough. I needed a man who was capable of complete honesty, someone to build a stable foundation with. Someone I could trust and rely on. I couldn’t share my life with someone with dark secrets, living in constant fear of what he’d reveal next. Because something told me if I knew all the ways Knox had messed up, I’d run away screaming, no matter how big my heart was.

But of course it wasn
’t that easy. I loved him. I couldn’t just turn that off. And there were the boys to think about, too, sweet Tucker and Luke, and heaven knew Jaxon could use a positive role model. I hated the idea of just disappearing from their lives.

Two long and hard days had passed since
Knox told me. And now that I knew the full extent of his past, the decision was mine. Either forgive him and let it go, and move forward with our future, or let it destroy everything we’d built.

Through my work at the teen center, I
’d counseled woman and girls who were codependent, who felt worthless and rejected without a man in their lives. Women who were depressed and even suicidal over their relationship status. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could be like those women. I had listened to their troubles, asked all the right questions, probed gently and offered the advice I’d learned to give them in my training, yet I felt emotionless and detached from their problems. I was just doing my job.

It was only now
that I finally understood. Only since Knox had invaded my life and taken over my every waking thought. Sex and love had the ability to consume you, and it terrified me. I felt desperate and needy and wanted him to love me, to draw me into his arms and never let me go. I didn’t know how I could ever look those sad women in the eye again and tell them to move on. There was no moving on. Not once you’d met your true match. Something told me Knox had left an imprint on my heart, in my psyche, that would forever be there.

There was no choice. I had to find a way to move past this.
Not that I wasn’t furious at him for hiding the truth from me for all these months—I was. It was going to take some time for me to adjust to that. But I knew I would forgive him. How could I not? My love for him was too desperate, too all-consuming for us to be apart. Despite all his mistakes and dark secrets, I loved that man with my whole being. It wasn’t a choice.

Gathering up my courage, I texted Knox and asked him to come over and talk. I felt safer having this conversation in my own space. Plus when Amanda had called earlier and asked if I wanted to come over and help out with the baby, Brian had volunteered to go in my place, leaving me alone in the apartment.

Knox confirmed he would be here as soon as he’d fed the boys dinner. I used the time to tidy up my room, too restless and on edge to sit and relax.

When the doorbell to my apartment buzzed a short time later, I nearly jumped out of my skin with the anticipation of seeing him again. I knew that no matter what happened, tonight would be big for me. I had worked on forgiving myself, moving past my parent
s’ tragic deaths, and now it seemed that God had a sense of humor because I was being tested for a final time with forgiving Knox.

His somber expression greeted me when I opened the door. Dark circles lined his eyes
as if he hadn’t slept, and his hair was messy, standing up in several directions.

“
Come inside.” I motioned him forward into the foyer, thankful that Brian was gone to help out with Amanda yet again. He’d been so helpful over the last few days, driving her and the baby to their doctors’ checkups and to the store for more diapers.

I led Knox into the living room, but we were both too tense to sit down. The mood surrounding us was sobering. I
’d never seen Knox look so broken and defeated. Not even when Jaxon had been beaten and threatened by that gang.

Knox
shoved his hands into his pockets and looked up at me through dark lashes. “There’s no excuse for what I did. And not telling you earlier was—”

“
I know,” I offered. I could see the sincerity and regret written all over him.

“
I’m sorry,” he said simply.

“
I know,” I said again. His features were twisted in agony, and even though I’d decided to forgive him and move past it, he didn’t know that yet. I decided to use that to my advantage. “Where did you see this headed? You and me?”

Pressing his fingertips to his temples, he briefly closed his eyes and then opened them again, fixing me with a desperate stare.
“I love you like I’ve never loved anyone. I wanted you to move in, to be with me forever. I wanted to marry you, angel.”

His admission completely stunned me
, and I stood there motionless trying to process his words. I knew Knox wanted me to move in with him, something we hadn’t even fully discussed, but now he was telling me that he wanted to marry me, too. My heart swelled three times its normal size in my chest and I briefly closed my eyes.

I struggled to put into words all the emotions I was feeling. But I knew I couldn
’t answer him now. “I need time to think, Knox.”

He nodded.
“I get that. Completely.” He stepped closer, closing the distance between us, and tipped my chin up to his. “But don’t forget that you’re the one who taught me about vulnerability and letting others in. I know I’m damaged goods, angel, and that this is a huge leap of faith for you…but please believe me when I tell you I love you. All of you. And I always will.”

I nodded. I did believe that. Knox was a changed man
, inside and out. He was my everything. He and his family had become my whole world, and I loved each and every one of them. I just needed some time to clear the thoughts swirling in my head and do this my way.

“
We’ll talk soon,” was all I said.

I knew Knox would be mad that Brian was the one taking me to get my first car, but I also knew he
’d understand. As long as I got something safe and reliable and wasn’t depending on public transit anymore, he’d let it go. Besides, I wanted to do this for myself, and inviting my oldest friend along felt like the right thing to do. Especially since I needed to tell him something big, something that would forever change the dynamic of our relationship.

I hadn
’t spoken to Knox since he came to my apartment several days ago. And even though I missed him with every ounce of my being, it felt good taking control of my life and getting things in order. I’d put that off for far too long.

Brian and I toured the car lot
, and I selected a slightly used silver sedan to test drive. Once the salesman had made a photocopy of my driver’s license, Brian and I were seated in the air-freshener-scented interior, ready to take a spin.

Gripping the wheel at ten and two, I waited for a large break in the traffic and pulled out onto the road.
“So you’ve been seeing more of Amanda these days,” I said as I drove. It wasn’t a question, and Brian merely glanced up at me without responding. “That’s a good thing, right?”

He
nodded, a smile barely visible on his lips. Good thing I knew him so well.

“
How is she doing?” I asked.

“
She’s great. She’s an incredible mom. It’s a big burden being a single parent, but I’ve never heard her complain once.”

“
You like her.”

He chuckled at me.
“I do. She’s a sweet girl.”

“
What about the fact that she has a baby. Does that scare you?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment, but shook his head.
“Not at all.”

It was the same way I felt about Knox having custody of his three brothers. If anything,
the responsibility only deepened him and enriched our relationship. There was a whole other side of him to love. They were never a burden. Well, except when we wanted alone time, but I was getting distracted. “So are you guys, like, dating?”

Brian
nodded. “Yeah, I think so. We haven’t technically been on any dates yet. She has a three-week-old daughter, you know? But I bring her dinner, we watch movies, and I really don’t mind pitching in to take care of AnnMarie. She’s a good baby.”

“
You’re a good guy, Brian.” I felt proud of my friend. He was growing up and moving on, just like I was. “I think I’m going to get this car.”

“
It’s a great car for the money and seems to run well.”

I nodded. I hadn
’t brought him with me to talk about cars or Amanda, so I gathered my courage for what was really on my mind. “Bri?”

“
Hmm?” he asked, gazing out the passenger window.

“
Knox has asked me to live with him.”

I felt his gaze turn toward me, but like the chicken I was, I
continued staring out the front windshield.

“
Oh yeah?” he asked.

I nodded.
“Yeah. And I’ve decided to move in with him.”

“
Wow. That’s a big step, McKenna. Are you sure you guys are—”

“
I’m sure. He’s my everything.”

“
I get it. I could tell from the first time I met him that there was something major between you two.”

It was nice to hear him acknowledge that. He understood that Knox and
I were a package deal.

We sat in silence for the duration of the trip back to the dealership
, and I wondered what he was really thinking about all this. When I pulled back into the parking lot and went inside to sign the paperwork, Brian lingered on the car lot. I watched him through the showroom windows, walking around to look at the new cars, and unease churned inside me. He wasn’t going to make some last desperate plea for me, was he?