When The Right Door Opens (15 page)

“You are one of the bravest and strongest
people I know.” Sebastian leaned closer to Jamie and took his hand
in his own.

“I am not. I used to be strong, now I'm only
jaded and weary of my life.”

“Everything happens for a reason, Jamie.”
Sebastian quipped.

“That's bullshit! We are who we are and our
lives are what we make of them. I chose to screw up at an early
age. I was too afraid and too proud to ask for help. Now look where
that got me.” Jamie took his hand back. He needed it to gesture
while talking.

“It got you here. With me. And if I recall it
correctly, your first words to me where 'help me'”

“That's not what I mean.”

“That's exactly what you meant.”

“Since when do you know me so well, huh?”
Jamie asked defensively.

“Since when are you acting so childishly?”
Sebastian retorted.

“I am not acting childishly. But you don't
understand me.” Jamie said, exasperated.

“Well maybe you are wallowing in self-pity
because for the first time in many years you have nothing to worry
about. I don't expect money from you, you are not forced to work
your awful job. You don't have anything to do. You are bored,
that's how I see it.” Sebastian was defensive now, too.

“What?! I am processing my past. That's not
being bored.”

“The whole thing with your father is years
and years ago. I just can't understand why you can't let it go and
forgive him.”

“Because, the love of parents should be
unconditional, unfortunately, nobody told my parents so.”

“But Jamie, they love you. Haven't you seen
all those photographs of you in that living room? It was almost
like a shrine for you.”

“They are all from before.”

“So what?! Give him a chance to make it up to
you and put new photos on that wall.”

“You don't want to understand, do you?”

Jamie got up suddenly and left the room,
leaving an angry, desperate Sebastian behind.

“What happened in here?” Agnes wanted to
know, when her father pushed himself past her.

“Nothing.” Sebastian answered and got up
too.

“Don't you dare going upstairs in your state
of mind. I can see that you are upset. Come on, talk to me for a
change, bro. We used to share everything.” Kai pleaded, placing his
hand on Sebastian's arm. Kai was right, there had been a time when
they had shared everything. It had been a time when life was still
easy and the biggest trouble was that this guy or that girl wasn't
interested in one of them.

“I'll go and talk to him. At least, I'll try.
He doesn't talk to me anymore. Not like he used to do. He has
changed so much. It's almost scary.” Agnes admitted.

“I can't help him, you know? I try and try,
but he pushes me away and doesn't let me in. I can't do this. I
can't work on my stuff and his too. He has to do it himself. I
don't know if I am strong enough to keep me afloat and pull him out
of his depression too.” Sebastian broke down in tears once Agnes
was out of the room and Kai's arms were immediately around him. He
let Sebastian pour his heart out and when he was out of words and
calmed down again, Kai let go of his twin.

“This calls for some chips-ice.” Sebastian
nodded and Kai went to the kitchen to get huge bowls of his comfort
food, for himself and his brother.

~~Chapter 10~~

“Dad? Can I come in?” Agnes stuck her head through
the door and watched her father. He was pacing his bedroom and ran
both hands through his hair, leaving it sticking up in every
direction.

“Sure, of course.” Jamie waved his daughter
in and tried to smile, but he felt that it was more like a grimace
than an actual smile.

“We need to talk.” Agnes announced and every
warning light inside of Jamie's mind was suddenly in a blinking
frenzy.

“About what?” he asked calmly.

“You? You can't go on like this. You are
pushing everyone away, including me.”

“That's not true.” Jamie was surprised by the
allegations and quick to deny them. On second thought though, he
knew that Agnes was right. He simply didn't want to burden other
people with his internal mess.

“Then why do you keep brooding? Why don't you
sit down with me to help me with my homework like you used to do
it? Why...”

“Because Sebastian does a good job.” Jamie
interrupted Agnes like a jealous schoolboy.

“But he is not you. I need my father. It's
hard, you know? I changed school, left all my friends behind. I
live in a stranger's house. I don't know him and I don't know the
house. I – you quit your job and I finally can say that I have
found a family. But I feel, like I have lost you in the process.
Where are you? I need you back. You are my best friend. My ally in
this world. I need your support. Instead, you bury your nose in
crap books, you don't eat and I have no idea if you even sleep. I
want my father back.” Agnes brushed angry tears away and tapped her
heart with the other hand.

“But I am here!” Jamie could have said it
calmly, but this discussion was not what he had expected and
getting the blame for everything didn't soothe his nerves, so
instead of talking rationally and calmly, he yelled.

“No, you aren't. Remember when we moved in
with Sebastian? I was so sure that you two were meant for each
other. Even if you were hurt and broke and everything. I mean he
knows the hard facts of your life and he didn't run, no, he takes
you in his arms, without asking anything – anything at all, in
return. But ever since his accident, you push him away. You
touched, even when you thought I wouldn't see it, you flirted with
each other and practically devoured each other with your eyes, but
now, you almost ignore him and when you are not ignoring him, you
snap at him for the most simple and normal things. You are breaking
his heart, dad. What are you doing? And why? I don't understand. We
– you could be happy. But you are not...” Agnes deflated and sat on
Jamie's bed. Her eyes on the floor. She didn't know, if she was
crossing a line, because she never had to talk sense to her father
like now. There were no rules, no guidelines that told her how to
act or react in situations like these.

“It's not that easy. You don't understand
this.” Jamie still yelled and turned his back on her agitated.

“Oh, I don't understand?” She asked in a
mocking voice, disbelieving that Jamie could even think that she
would not understand what was happening.

“For years, you've told me everything. You
were always honest and told me the truth about every question I
had, but now so much has changed.”

“Yes. You have Kai and Sebastian and even
Karen comes over a lot, only to spend time with you.” Jamie sounded
hurt and Agnes saw the sign of jealousy again.

“True, but I need you! You are my dad. You! I
am only fourteen years old. I still need my father and it is really
unfair to think I have enough other people in my life and that they
are enough. They are strangers and they can never be enough or even
replace you. I need my father back. It's true that these people are
like family. But it's because you are not at the moment. They took
me in and they take care of me, while you hide away.” Agnes cried
while the words flowed out of her. She felt so lost all of a sudden
and while her words were not premeditated, they were true.

“I don't understand why you are so angry
right now.” Jamie asked.

“Because... argh... because of you!” Agnes
yelled in response. She jumped up with such a rage that she thought
she would burst.

“Agnes...” Jamie said pityingly, which only
fueled her anger.

“You are ruining it. Our new start, our new
life. You are ruining it and I can't understand why.” Agnes started
to sob even more and Jamie took her into his arms. At first she
struggled to get away from him. She hit his chest with her fists,
releasing some of her anger, but Jamie was unfazed and let her. He
simply held her. He started to understand.

Jamie rubbed soothing circles on her back
with one hand, while the other one caressed her long hair. He
murmured soothing words and kissed her head over and over. This
used to calm Agnes when she was a child and baby and even now, as a
teenager, it helped occasionally too. She cried and cried and Jamie
held her, showing in a very affectionate fatherly style how much he
loved her. Sometimes, he forgot that she was so young because she
acted so grown-up most of the time.

“What do you want me to do?” Jamie asked once
Agnes had calmed down considerably.

“I want you to come back to me and to give
Sebastian his well-deserved chance. He is a gem, dad. He is funny
and honest and handsome, rich, a good teacher, genuine, passionate,
patient...”

“Okay, okay, I get it. But this whole...”
Jamie gestured with his hands, because he couldn't find the right
words to speak “...it's not about Sebastian. Come here, sit with me
and I'll tell you a little of what's really going on and why. If
you have a question, ask and if it gets too much to cope with, stop
me. You know our rules.” Jamie had established a whole lot of rules
for his parenting, and while he vowed to always be honest and
truthful to his daughter, he also wanted to give her a safe-word
that would make him stop talking, if the matter was too complicated
or too confusing.

Agnes sat down next to Jamie and put her head
on his shoulders. Jamie played with the length of her hair behind
her back.

“When you were born, I lived with Lauren and
her parents. We talked about them and I showed you the pictures, do
you remember?” Agnes nodded and Jamie spoke on: “but I never told
you why my mom and also my dad didn't want to have anything to do
with me after your birth and even before, when I only decided that
I wanted to raise you all by myself if there wouldn't be any
support. I was always very close to my parents, but the moment I
told them about you and at the same time I was gay – it was too
much for them. My mother tried to understand my sexuality, but she
couldn't or wouldn't understand about you.

“I loved you and protected you from the
moment I knew about you, and many people just didn't understand
why, always referring to my age. I was told that I would throw away
my youth for you. Honestly, having you, raising you and seeing you
grow up was the best decision I ever made in my entire life.

“It was easier when I was simply the outcast
of the family, but now that I learned that my mom died – years ago.
And I didn't make peace with her. I wasn't at her funeral. I wasn't
allowed to, because of my father. He had an equal part in the whole
story about me being thrown out of the house and now, he suddenly
wants me to forgive him. I thought I could and I still wish I
could, but now, I am not so sure. Too much is broken and damaged
and I can't deny that I can't trust this man. I mean, he pushed me
and you out of his life once, how can I be sure, that he doesn't do
it again?” Jamie asked and waited for an answer from his smart
daughter.

“You can never be sure, dad. But you can't
harden you heart, only to prevent yourself from being hurt.” Jamie
raised a questioning eyebrow. “Music and Kai.” Agnes explained
without needing to hear the question. Jamie nodded with a
smirk.

“So, you think I should forgive him?
Sebastian thinks that too.”

“No. No. I think you should call your father
and talk to him. I know it's sometimes very confusing with us, but
you are a grown man...”

“Smart-ass.”

“You are a grown man and you have had a
troubled life, you can't lose him. You hadn't had him for all these
years, but you could win him back. You are not a teenager anymore.
You are strong and brave and old and starting to get a little soft
around your middle, but you are also a man and I think and trust
that you won't do anything intentionally that hurts me.”

“You have a point, but you are still a
smart-ass.”

“You would be lost without my wise advice.
And now, I advise you, to go downstairs and make up with Sebastian.
Kiss him, tell him you love him and for God's sake, move into his
damn room so that Kai doesn't have to sleep on the couch
anymore.”

“You have found quite the ally in Kai,
haven't you?”

“He's like a brother or uncle. Whatever. He's
cool. I like him.”

“But he doesn't... you know?”

“No, I don't know?” Agnes did know what her
father wanted to say, but she liked seeing him squirm. They had
always talked openly about everything, but the one thing that
seemed to make her father uncomfortable was her own sexuality. He
had no problem talking about his sex life and answering her
questions, but her intimate life was something different. Jamie
simply wasn't comfortable with it, because it was new and he didn't
know what he was talking about. The hard fact remained, that she
was a girl – a woman soon, and he was a man. And her father.

“Does he touch you? Inappropriately.”

“Eww dad. No!” At her disgusted face, Jamie
couldn't help but burst into laughter. Of course was it weird to
see that his daughter's best friend seemed to be a grown man these
days, and in these modern times, one could never be careful
enough.

“Dad? I think we needed this talk. But now, I
am tired and exhausted and it's a school night...”

“Say no more. It's late but let's have dinner
and after that you can go to sleep.”

“Nah. I'll skip dinner.”

“Only this once.”

“Okay, but you have to find Sebastian and
talk to him. Believe me, he is your Mister Right.”

“Your confidence in this matter is out of
this world.” Agnes nodded and got up from the bed.

“Daddy? I love you.” she said with a hand on
the doorknob.

“Aw, come here.” Jamie stood up and took
Agnes in a tight embrace.

“Need... air... too... tight...” Agnes joked
and Jamie squeezed a little tighter before he let go of his beloved
daughter with a loud groan.