What to Expect the Toddler Years (114 page)
Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
The need to express their feelings, needs, and wishes. Most toddlers don’t yet have the language skills to do this. For them, a tantrum speaks louder than words.
The need to assert themselves and to send the message, “
I
am important. What
I
want counts.”
Lack of control over their lives. With adults always telling them what to do and what not to do, a tantrum is often the only way toddlers can say “Enough! This is
my
life!”
Lack of control over their emotions. Toddlers are inexperienced at checking their emotions. When emotions get out of control, so do toddlers.
Hunger, exhaustion, overstimulation, boredom.
Too many choices, too few limits or vice versa (see page 47).
Though virtually every toddler has a tantrum now and then, some are especially tantrum-prone. About 14% of one-year-olds, 20% of two- and three-year-olds, and 11% of four-year-olds have what’s considered “frequent” tantrums (that is, two or more a day). These children also seem more likely than other children to continue having tantrums well into the preschool and school years.
There are a variety of less common factors that can lead to these more-frequent-than-average tantrums:
Genetic predisposition. Some children are born with temperamental qualities that predispose them to more frequent tantrums. For example, persistence, or stubbornness (great traits when a toddler is working resolutely on a particularly difficult puzzle, but not when it’s time to put it aside and get ready for bed); high intensity (these kids react strongly to almost any situation, often with kicking and screaming); slow adaptability (these children are most prone to
tantrums in the face of unexpected change; see page 201).
TANTRUMS AREN’T JUST FOR KIDS
When most people think of tantrums, they think of the “terrible two’s.” But the fact is that “kids” of all ages—even adults—throw tantrums.
The same triggers that are responsible for toddler tantrums can set off adult tantrums. Frustration (you’ve been working on your checkbook for three hours, and your balance is still off). A lack of control over your environment (you miss the train you
had
to make in order to get to an important meeting). Anger (your spouse forgot to make the plane reservations and now the flight’s overbooked). Even hunger or fatigue, when teamed with the right set of annoying circumstances, can lead to an adult blow-up.
The difference is that because adults have more control over their environment and have had more practice dealing with frustration, delaying gratification (and a meal or bedtime, when necessary), and annoying circumstances, they often manage to head off a tantrum. And when they can’t, they are usually able—thanks to their adult verbal skills—to lose their tempers with angry words rather than with flailing fists and kicking feet.
Realizing that tantrums are not the exclusive province of toddlers—and rather, a behavior we’re all susceptible to sometimes—should help to put them in perspective.
Extremes of discipline. In a chronically permissive atmosphere, conspicuously lacking in limits, children may “act out” or misbehave in a cry for external controls. Or they may blow up because they are overwhelmed by too many choices when their parents leave too much of the decision making to them. In an overly strict home, the child may explode in hope of expanding boundaries that are too tight.
A history of illness, chronic disabilities, or health problems. Parents are more likely to treat as “special” the child who has had serious medical problems or who was born after many miscarriages or a long period of trying. Because of lack of limits and discipline, these children can be prone to tantrums. Also particularly subject to tantrums are children who are hearing impaired or have severe speech or other communication problems; who are autistic or have other serious developmental disabilities; who are hyperactive; who have allergies or recurrent minor illnesses. Certain medications, such as those meant to halt seizures, are also linked to tantrums.
A parent–child personality clash. If you’re outgoing and your toddler is quiet and shy, pushing your child to be more like you could lead to unnecessarily frequent tantrums. So could trying to tone down a high-intensity child just because you’re laid back.
Divorced or separated parents. The custodial parent may be overwhelmed by solo child-care chores and have little time for the toddler; the visiting parent may be overly permissive. Both may try to “woo” the child with gifts and special privileges. In such situations, the frustrated child is more prone to explode willy-nilly and may learn to use tantrums to control one or both parents.