What to Expect the Toddler Years (111 page)

Try a little incentive. While a younger toddler probably wouldn’t understand the concept of a reward for achievement, an older toddler may. And though regularly offering rewards to a child in order to get him to perform daily chores isn’t wise, offering a reward for taking a developmental step can be both wise and effective. Let your toddler know that there’s something special in store for him if he gives up his bottle: a new book, a toy, a trip to the zoo. Nothing extravagant—just a little something that may convince him that quitting’s worth his while. Also emphasize that giving the bottle up means he’s more grown-up, and when he’s done it he can be allowed some grown-up privileges—sleeping in a bed instead of the crib, or turning the DVD player on and off with supervision, or whatever you think he would consider an important perk. (Realize, however, that emphasizing being “grown-up” may backfire if your toddler has a new sibling and is jealous of the attention “babyish” behavior garners.)

Cheer him on, providing as much support as he needs, as he works towards his goal of giving up the bottle. When he reaches it, provide both the reward he’s earned and the heartfelt ovation he deserves.

Expect your toddler to be a little crankier and more out-of-sorts than usual while he’s weaning, and possibly, for a few days afterwards. Like anyone who’s given up something very special, he’ll need some time to adjust. Providing him with plenty of attention and comfort (including a lot of cuddling), and filling his days with fun activities, will help him adjust more quickly.

“I am still breastfeeding my daughter a couple of times a day. I’m eager to call it quits, especially now that she’s old enough to ask for the breast whenever she wants it. But she isn’t showing any sign of losing interest.”

It takes two to breastfeed. And when one of the two is ready to call it quits, it’s probably time to put the breast to rest—though there are other factors to consider in making the decision (see page 30). Of course, it takes two to
quit
breastfeeding, too, so you need your child’s cooperation in the process. Try the tips also on page 30; if they don’t work, you might want to add an incentive (see bottle weaning, facing page) to help make giving up nursing more worth her while.

Remember that your toddler won’t only be losing a favorite source of nourishment when she’s weaned, but a favorite source of comfort. So be sure to compensate by giving her extra comfort and attention; focus on physical contact (hugging, kissing, cuddling), which may be what she will miss most, but also find interesting activities to share. Don’t be surprised (and don’t object) if she tries to comfort herself—she may increase thumb sucking, adopt a security blanket or another comfort object, and/or seek to spend time stroking or patting you, much as she does while breastfeeding. While she adjusts, she may even want to reach under your shirt now and then for a familiar bare-skin snuggle. Let her—as her memories of nursing fade, she’ll lose interest in this comforting technique.

“Our little girl really embarrassed us today while we were having lunch in a coffee shop. The man at the next table was extremely obese and she practically shouted, “That man fat!” Everyone heard her, including the man. I wanted to crawl under the table. What should I have done?”

It happens to every parent at least once. It could happen on a crowded
commuter bus, in a department store, a restaurant, a museum, or a bank line—just about any public place—but typically, it happens where there’s no place to hide. The tiny child (who happens to be undeniably yours) points insistently at someone she’s noticed is different (it could be a heavy person, a person of another race, a person in a wheelchair, a person with a cane, a very elderly person), and in a bellow that belies her tiny stature, broadcasts her observation (as in “Why is that woman so fat?” or “Why can’t that man walk?”). Every eye and every ear within twenty feet turns to you—the parent, the responsible party—as you, wishing hard for the cloak of invisibility, struggle to think of an appropri ate response knowing full well that the response will be important not only to the unfortunate subject of the comment but to your child’s future attitudes about people who are different.

Don’t worry if you didn’t manage to summon up the perfect response this time—or even if you couldn’t manage to summon up any at all. But be prepared to react if it happens again (it probably will):

With understanding
. To you, making remarks in public about a stranger is offensive and decidedly impolite. To your toddler, who knows very little about etiquette and decorum and even less about what hurts people’s feelings, remarking on a wide man’s girth is as innocent as remarking on a “pretty flower” or a “big red truck.” Calling a man fat is, in her mind, an observation, and she has no way of discerning that it’s an inappropriate one to express out loud. So put your toddler’s remarks in perspective—they were spoken without malice for the man and without the intention of embarrassing you.

Without admonishment.
Even if you’re feeling mortified by your child’s words, and by the disapproving stares or shaking heads they elicited, don’t take your embarrassment out on her by scolding. Since your toddler is probably used to having her observations met with parental approval and applause, she likely expected the same approval and applause for this remark. Starting to observe and become curious about the differences between people (and the differences between animals, the differences between cars, the difference between cloudy days and sunny days) is part of a toddler’s intellectual development. Chastising a child for making an observation might stifle future questions and comments. It may also give her the impression that differences are “bad”—and that people who are different are also “bad.”

With a quick and quiet explanation.
If it’s possible to take your toddler aside to a place where you can talk more freely to her, do so; if it isn’t possible (you’re on the bus and your stop is a mile away or she’s in the middle of her grilled cheese sandwich at the coffee shop), get as close as you can to her and speak quietly. Explain that some people look different because they are fatter or thinner (or have a different color skin, or are very short or very tall, or have weak legs and can’t walk), and that saying in front of them that they’re fat or thin or old or can’t walk might make them feel bad. Let your toddler know that she can ask you anytime she wants to about a difference she’s noticed, but that she needs to do it in her “quiet voice” or to wait until later, when the person isn’t close by. If you’re still within hearing distance of that person, keep your explanation quick and don’t encourage further on-the-spot discussion (since your child’s side of the discussion will undoubtedly be loud). Promise to talk more about this later, and then quickly distract your toddler.

With more explanation later.
The point at which your toddler starts to notice differences
in people is a good time to begin discussing them at home. Look at picture books about people who are different (people with disabilities, elderly people, people of different nationalities and different cultures). Talk about what makes people different and the same; point out differences in members of your family and among your friends (“You have brown eyes and Megan has blue eyes”) as well as similarities (“You and Megan both are good climbers”). For more on helping your toddler learn about differences, see page 342.

With patience and perseverance.
Chances are it will take several more embarrassing encounters and at least as many explanations and reminders before your toddler learns to be more discreet. But remember that your goal isn’t just to keep your daughter from publicly commenting about the differences she sees, but to see differences without intolerance.

With a good example.
Your attitudes, actions, and words will have more effect on your toddler’s future behavior toward others than all the lectures in the world.

“If there’s one thing about my toddler that really gets to me, it’s her constant whining. I end up giving in to everything she whines for just so she’ll stop.”

Forget a dripping faucet, fingernails on a blackboard, or squeaky brakes. A young child’s whining tops them all on the list of tortures. Like a knife inserted, then slowly twisted, whining, which is really a kind of low-grade crying, can get under a parent’s skin as no other behavior can. In fact, given the choice, many parents would rather deal with a full-blown tan trum—which erupts and subsides—than listen to the steady, unre lent ing, nerve-grating sound of a whiner in action.

Though we tend to link whiny behavior most closely with the toddler and preschool years, it actually first shows up in infancy as that sort of nondescript crying known as “fussiness.” And while some definitely whine more than others, virtually every child whines at one time or another; in and of itself, whining is not a sign that a child is verindulged or spoiled. Typically, children are most prone to whining when they are tired, hungry, bored, overstimulated, sick, upset, or not getting enough attention. Whining may also be triggered by a parental “no”—or by an anticipated parental “no.” That this high-pitched harassment often continues until parental desperation has turned the “no” into a “yes” makes it all the more irritating.

Parents are the adults most likely to be on the receiving end of whining; toddlers are often too self-conscious to whine when in the care of others. But if whining is allowed to continue into the preschool years or beyond, the behavior may begin to proliferate, with negative results. The child may take the whining out to play and find that her peers avoid her; she may take it to school and find that teachers limit or withdraw their attention. Some whiny children become whiny adults who find it difficult to make—or keep—friends.

Though there’s no sure cure for whining, there are ways of reducing the amount of whining your toddler does. First, take these steps towards preventing whining attacks:

Pay attention.
Many children begin to whine after they have tried and failed at several other ways of attracting adult attention. No matter how busy you are, listen when your toddler talks to you and try not to take too long to respond when she asks for your help. Be sure she’s getting not just your ear, but all of you. When possible, take a few moments off from whatever you’re doing (while waiting for the pasta water to boil, the washer cycle to finish, or a client to call back), to read a story, work a puzzle together, or just to sit quietly and cuddle.