What to Expect the Toddler Years (108 page)

For many toddlers, ambivalence about self-reliance and separation from their parents also prompts them to reject the independence of walking in favor of clinging—both figuratively and literally. To help get your toddler back on his feet again:

Make walking recreational.
Even if you’re out to do some errands, getting there can be more than half the fun. Play games (“Let’s see if we can step over all the cracks” or “How many dogs can we see?”), sing songs, point out interesting sights along the way, generally divert him from the task of walking itself. And don’t discourage him from stopping to investigate intriguing things that he finds in his path; leave extra time when planning outings so he can explore.

Appoint him your assistant.
Toddlers love to be “helpers.” When you’re walking to the market, let yours carry the shopping list (but have an extra in your pocket should he lose his). Coming home from the market, give him a small bag of light (and unbreakable) purchases to carry. Play up his part—tell him you couldn’t make it home without his help. Or make him feel “big” beyond his years by letting him wear a backpack or by putting him in charge of holding his “baby”—a favorite doll or stuffed alligator or puppet.

Get down to his level.
Sometimes part of a toddler’s frustration with walking is being so small when everyone else around him is big. Your stooping down to his level now and then will help ease this feeling of being head and shoulders beneath the crowd. So stop periodically—at the traffic light, in front of the store, in the middle of the block—to talk to your toddler eye to eye, or to give him a hug or a tickle. These unexpected, impromptu gestures may also diffuse the pent-up tension that can lead to a whining refrain of “Carry me!”

Try not to rush or push him.
When your legs are as short as your toddler’s, it takes at least twice as many strides to walk a block—which means it can take twice as long, too. It also means that your toddler is going to tire out long before you do. So keep your expectations reasonable and treks on foot brief. Be ready with a back-up plan: a stroller, a bus, or a shortened trip. And hold the mumbling and grumbling if he doesn’t end up walking.

Don’t forget that, in this case, your toddler holds the upper hand. You can’t, after all, force him to walk. Try it and you will get a lesson in passive resistance. If your toddler goes limp or tries a sit-down-in-the-middle-of-the-sidewalk strike, you can pick him up and carry him or force him into the stroller (which is what he wants anyway), but you can’t make him move one foot in front of the other.

Praise his efforts on two feet.
Use positive reinforcement. After a walk, even a very brief one, congratulate him. Tell him how grown-up he’s getting, point out that walking is one of the many fun things he can do now that babes in arms (or strollers) simply can’t.

Don’t criticize his failures.
Don’t call him a baby, even if he does end up in your arms or in the stroller. And don’t fuel any possible existing jealousy by telling him you can’t carry him because you’re pregnant or because you have to carry an infant sibling.

Make a deal
. If you’re only a few blocks from home, your toddler has had it with the walking, and there’s no bus in sight, try cutting a deal: “You walk this block, I’ll carry you the next.” Alternate until you are home free.

Set an active example
. If everyone else in the family walks a lot, eventually your child will too—especially if you don’t make an issue out of his reluctance now.

“We want to move our daughter to a bed. What’s the best way?”

Odds are that the move to a grownup bed will thrill your toddler, but there may still be a wee part of her that yearns to hang on to one of her last remaining links to babyhood. So don’t just scrap the crib and spring the new bed on her without warning. Instead, carefully lay the groundwork for the transition. Be sure the time is right. If your toddler’s life is particularly unsettled—a new sibling has just arrived or is about to, she’s just starting day care or preschool, she’s in the midst of toilet learning or weaning, or just getting over an illness—it might be wise to postpone the transition to a bed until things are more stable. Look for a book that illustrates a young child’s journey from crib to bed, and read it to her several times, stopping frequently during the narrative to personalize it (“See, that boy is getting a new bed just like you will” and “That girl’s bed is big, just like your new bed will be,” and so on).

Once your toddler adjusts to the idea of switching to a bed, you can start turning the idea into reality. Unless you’ve opted to accept a hand-me-down, it’s a good idea to involve your “big girl” in selecting her “big girl bed.” But don’t take her along while you do the preliminary scouting; dragging from store to store in search of the right bed will not put your toddler in the right mood. Look for models that are built relatively close to the ground, that will easily accept guard rails, and that come with a firm mattress. Be sure to install rails on both sides of the bed, as your child could slip down between the wall and bed if she’s a restless sleeper. And of course, no bunk beds at this age. When you’ve narrowed down the candidates to two or three (preferably in the same store), take your toddler along to make the final choice from your picks. Let her get friendly with the bed on the showroom floor (touch it, sit on it, lie down), so it won’t be totally foreign when it’s set up at home.

Whether your toddler’s big bed is fresh from the showroom or passed on from a friend or sibling, include her in selecting new sheets, a new quilt (unless she’s very attached to her old one), and even a new stuffed animal companion to share her new digs with (along with her familiar “old friends,” of course). Remember to pick up a rubber sheet or waterproof pad, too, so that the new mattress won’t quickly become old.

When it arrives, let your toddler make her bed before lying in it. She can help with putting on the new bedding, then add any number of personal touches (stuffed animals, books, toys that are safe to sleep with, or whatever) to cozy up the place. Make it clear that she can now include bedtime companions that were not able to fit in her crib. Once the bed is set up and made, take your cues from your toddler. If she seems excited about the new bed and doesn’t even give her old crib a backward glance, remove the crib from her room and mark another milestone in your child’s growing up.

If, on the other hand, she seems hesitant about the move—and assuming there’s space for both the bed and the crib in her room—give her the extra time she needs to ease this transition. Let her get to know the bed for a few days (to play in it, cuddle in it, put her teddies to bed in it, have story time in it) before urging her to sleep in it.

Some toddlers like to begin with short sleeps in the big bed before they commit to it full time—napping in it during the day, and retreating to the security of their trusty crib at night. If your toddler feels more comfortable with this kind of arrangement for a few weeks or even longer, there’s no harm in it—assuming you’ve made her crib as safe as possible (see page 627). When it does come time to bid a final farewell to the crib, give it the royal sendoff it deserves. Tell your toddler, “Now that you’re so big and you sleep in a big
bed, we can put the crib away.” Have your toddler say “Bye-bye” and let her kiss the crib if she wants to. Then store it or give it away.

Of course, once your child is in a bed, a new problem arises: How do you keep her in the bed and out of trouble? Though you may not be able to manage the first (short of enclosing the bed in a stockade fence), you should be able to accomplish the second. For tips on how to keep your toddler out of trouble when she wanders, see page 167.

While your toddler adjusts to sleeping in the wide-open space of a bed, there’s always the possibility, unless the guard rails run the bed’s full length, of her tumbling out. So for the first weeks, cushion the exit route at night—use a plush area rug, a large mat, a futon, a sleeping bag, an old mattress, a thick comforter, a row of pillows, or even an old down coat. But don’t worry if she does fall on the bare floor—an injury in such a fall is very unlikely.

Many toddlers don’t handle change easily, and moving from a crib to a bed (even if your child seems happy about the move) can result in some new bedtime problems. Your toddler may try to postpone bedtime
ad infinitum
with requests for drinks, extra hugs, yet another blanket, yet another tucking-in. Respond calmly but firmly to these attempts to put off the inevitable; letting your toddler run the bedtime show even a few times can result in weeks of evening chaos. Stick to her bedtime routine, while providing plenty of attention and reassurance during the daylight hours, and everyone in the family will eventually sleep the better for it.

“Our two-year-old seems unkind to the other little boys in his play group, and that upsets me.”

Don’t worry. If your two-year-old hasn’t yet developed a taste for the milk of human kindness, he’s just acting his age. It’s not that his heart’s not in the right place, it’s just that it’s still devoted to more self-centered pursuits. He’s not yet capable of loving his neighbor—or his playmate, or another kid in the sand-box—as he loves himself. His needs are paramount; the needs of others are not, for now, his concern. And since he hasn’t even begun to do for himself yet (most of his needs are filled by obliging adults), he’s not likely to begin doing for others. Especially if those others are other toddlers, who he’s noticed also have adults around to tend to their needs.

Toddlers who regularly spend time with other toddlers (as in a day-care situation) or with older siblings tend to show empathy and sympathy (as well as other more mature social traits) earlier, since the group experience gives them more of a “we’re-all-in-the-same-boat-together” perspective than does being the center of attention at home.

The teaching of kindness towards others, like the teaching of any value, is a gradual process, not something you impart in an afternoon. And a toddler learns kindness best by the example you set; be kind to others, and eventually he’ll respond in kind—at least once he grows out of this normally egocentric age. You can speed the process a bit, and help your child to become kinder and gentler, by following the tips on page 42.

“My daughter always wants me to join in her play, but I can’t sit still two minutes for it—I get too bored. I feel guilty, but I can’t help it.”

No guilt necessary. Many adults find a two-year-old’s favorite activities tedious—and that’s not surprising. After all, they aren’t two anymore.

But laying off the guilt doesn’t mean you can let yourself off the hook—at least not entirely. Sharing in your child’s play says that she’s important to you and that you enjoy her company. Here are a few tips on sending that message without driving yourself to distraction:

Give child’s play a chance. When it’s been decades since you’ve been a toddler, it’s naturally difficult to summon up what it feels like to be a two-year-old at play. Difficult, but not impossible. Join your toddler with your mind already closed to having a good time, and you most assuredly won’t have one. Make a conscious effort to shake your staid adult ways and allow yourself to wander into the world of childhood innocence and imagination, and you may actually find yourself enjoying your toddler’s games. Of course, you can’t expect to get lost in second toddlerhood if you’ve got half an eye on a movie or are up to the elbows in dishwater. So when you do play with your toddler, give her your complete attention. Hold the phone calls, the trips to the laundry room, the news.

Learn how to play her way. Just because you’ve been invited to join her game doesn’t mean you get to make up the rules. Toddlers and small children have very definite ideas about how they’d like their play to progress (or not progress), so it’s important not to interfere. If a game gets unbearably boring or too repetitive, casually suggest a new game plan—but if your toddler resists your suggestions, don’t force them on her.