What If (26 page)

“Richelle’s dead,” Nyelle utters in a single breath.

I stare at her. I couldn’t have heard her right. There’s no way she just said…

I turn to Rae. Tears are falling from her eyes. I’ve
never
seen her cry before. Not even when she tore up her leg wiping out on the skateboard.

I look to my mother. She presses her lips together, and her eyes meet mine in a silent apology.

“No,” I say, shaking my head. “No. She’s not. She can’t be.”

“Cal, I’m so sorry,” my mother says, taking a step toward me. “Her mother called… after she heard your message.”

“I don’t understand,” I respond. “How?”

“Let’s go inside,” my mother encourages us, leading the way.

I continue to stand in the rain, unable to move. Something warm wraps around my hand. I look down at it, and there’s another hand holding it.

“Let’s go inside,” Nyelle says softly. I search her stormy blue eyes for some sense of comfort. But they’re filled with so much hurt, they’re screaming.

I walk alongside her to the steps where Rae is waiting for us. I catch my foot on the bottom step and grab the railing to keep from falling, although it feels like I already have—off a hundred-foot cliff onto jagged rocks.

Nyelle grips my hand tighter, and Rae stops, but they don’t say anything. I straighten and continue into the cabin.

“Why don’t you put some dry clothes on?” my mother suggests.

“What happened to Richelle?” I demand.

“She had leukemia,” Nyelle says.

I spin around to face her. “You knew…” I stop. Among the chaos tearing through my head, it becomes clear. “That was the promise you made?”

She nods, her chin trembling.

“You promised you wouldn’t tell us she had cancer?” Rae asks, like she’s accusing her of treason.

Nyelle bites at her lip. “She didn’t want you to know. She was worried you’d treat her different because she might… die,” she explains, her voice quivering. “She thought when she got better and moved back to Renfield, you’d never have to know. Like nothing ever happened.” She swallows. “But you can’t make it go away by pretending it never happened.”

Nyelle raises her eyes and connects with mine, like she knows I was there and heard her say those words to her father.

My mouth drops. That’s what I overheard.

“Graduation,” I utter. “That’s why you were crying…”

“She died the day before.”

Nothing moves. The air is so still, I swear the earth has stopped rotating.

“That’s why you’re Nyelle, isn’t it?” Rae concludes, disrupting the stillness. “You combined your names.”

Nyelle closes her eyes, releasing a rush of tears down her cheeks.

I rub my face, even though I can’t feel it, and I walk up the stairs. I can’t do this.

“Cal,” my mother calls, and I turn around on the landing. “Don’t shut us out, okay? Change and come back down?”

I nod slightly and continue to the room, closing the door behind me.

I lean against the door with my palm pressed to my forehead, wanting to shut it all off and wake up from this twisted nightmare.

I kick off my boots and tug my soaked sweater off, tossing it to the ground. I start toward the dresser, but my legs give out. I’m hunched over on the floor when I feel her warm arms wrap around me. She presses her cheek against my back. I feel like I’m sinking and she’s the only thing keeping me from going under. We stay on the floor, huddled together for… I have no idea how long. And I focus on breathing, because that’s all I can do.

When Nyelle releases me, I slowly straighten, sitting on the floor with my back against the side of the bed. Nyelle slides next to me. And Rae lowers herself from the bed to sit on my other side. I wrap my arm around Nyelle and grab Rae’s hand. And then we sit in silence. Not moving. We just… sit.

“That’s why she moved to San Francisco? Because she was sick?” My voice finally finds the surface. Shadows have filled the room, so I can only assume the sun has set.

“Yeah,” Nyelle replies in a breath.

“But I talked to her all the time. She never… I didn’t know. I feel like I should’ve known.”

“It’s not how she wanted you to remember her. She didn’t want you to see her sick,” Nyelle explains, her cheek pressed to my chest and her arms wrapped around my waist. “She only wanted to go back to Renfield, to you guys, when she beat it. She went into remission for a short time, and she was excited because her parents were talking about moving back. But then… it came back.”

“We were her best friends. We deserved to know. We should have been there for her.” Rae says, her voice strained with anger.

“But that’s not what she wanted. It was so important to her that you only remembered her happy and full of life.” She lets out a broken breath, and I squeeze her. “But she was
always
so full of life, even when she was miserable after chemo. Or when she had to have a blood transfusion. She didn’t let it break her.”

I can’t imagine Richelle ill. But I can picture her defiant and determined to get better. That sounds exactly like the opinionated, bold girl I knew.

*     *     *

“What are you doing?” I ask, approaching the girls sitting at the edge of the tall grass behind our house.

“Cal’s here!” Rae announces. “Let’s do something else.”

“We’re not done,” Richelle says sternly. Then she looks up at me. “We’re making flower necklaces.” She twists a daisy stem around another.

Nicole is working on a pink and purple strand. And Rae has a bunch of broken flower heads sitting in front of her.

“You should stay, and we’ll have a pretend wedding,” Richelle suggests happily. “You and I can be the bride and groom. Nicole will be the maid of honor, and Rae will be the flower girl.”

“The flower girl?” Rae shoots back, throwing a handful of flower heads at Richelle.

“Uh, I think I’m going to see what Brady and Craig are doing,” I say, slowly backing away.

*     *     *

“Push us higher!” Richelle squeals, standing on the tire swing, holding on to the chains with her head dipped back.

I rush toward the tire and push it as far away from me as I can before running out of its way. The tire begins to spin as it flies back.

“I think I’m going to throw up,” Rae hollers.

Nicole and Richelle start laughing.

“Higher, Cal!” Richelle demands again with a huge smile on her face. “I want to touch the stars.”

*     *     *

“I want your love. Ooh baby, I want your love,” Richelle sings, standing on the orange and plaid couch that we just carried up from the basement.

“This song sucks. This song sucks,” Rae bellows in the background, crashing the symbol.

Richelle ignores her.

Nicole carries the melody with the keyboard, and I basically pretend to play the guitar. We’re terrible. I’m sure there are dogs howling somewhere in the neighborhood.

Richelle leans on the back of the couch and does a dramatic kick. “I want your love tonight.”

Richelle is so into it, she doesn’t care what she looks like, which makes me laugh.

*     *     *

“Was that how we’re supposed to do it?” I ask, pulling back and looking at her nervously. I want to wipe the saliva off my mouth, but I’m afraid it’ll hurt her feelings.

“It felt pretty good to me,” Richelle says with a smile. “But maybe we should keep practicing.”

“Okay.” I’m not going to argue with her.

I lean in to kiss her soft mouth, willing to practice all day if we have to. If she’ll let me.

*     *     *

“Then I guess I’ll see you at Crenshaw.”

*     *     *

“I’ll never see her again,” I utter in disbelief, remembering her words as if she’d just said them.

“Were you there when she died?” Rae asks. “Did you see…?”

“No.” Nyelle answers quietly. “I didn’t know until after. But I visited her as much as I could. I went to the clinic with her when she got chemo. I sat by her bed in the hospital and talked about stupid things to distract her. And I lay under the stars with her, wishing for them to make her better.”

I close my eyes and swallow against the tightness in my throat.

“She made you keep that promise,” I struggle to say. “You were watching her die, and you couldn’t talk to anyone about it.”

“I was watching her
live
,” Nyelle counters, her words wrapped in tears. “Every day I was with her was another day I got to laugh with her, or plan our lives together. She’s still the bravest person I’ve ever known.”

“So we lost you both because of this promise, but barely got one of you back,” Rae says, leaning her head against the bed with a ragged breath, trying to fight the emotion stuck in her throat. “I hate this.”

“I’m sorry,” Nyelle offers passionately. “I would’ve lost her if I told you. And she was my best friend. The only person who knew me. I couldn’t… I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m so sorry.”

Nyelle stops, unable to continue, burying her face in my chest. I rub her arm and kiss the top of her head.

Nyelle wipes her face and takes a deep breath before continuing. “She wanted to start a band with you, Rae. And—”

“Please don’t tell me she wanted to sing,” Rae blurts.

We stare at her. Her face is damp from crying, and her eyes are bloodshot. She puts up her hands in defense. “What? She was a
horrible
singer.”

I press my lips together to suppress a smile. Nyelle releases a burst of laughter. Rae starts laughing too, making me smile wider. The smile feels good but strange. Mixed with the sorrow. Because underneath it, my chest feels like it’s collapsed.

Nyelle steadies her gaze on me. “She was in love with you.”

“I knew it!” Rae exclaims like she just won a bet.

I stare at her. “Seriously?”

“Dude, you’re oblivious when it comes to girls. I just like being right.” She sits back, gloating.

I roll my eyes, then ask Nyelle, “I hurt her when I told her about Lily, didn’t I?”

“Yeah,” Nyelle says, her expression sympathetic. “But it’s not your fault. You didn’t know.”

I’m silent. I’m such an idiot. She stopped talking to me over a girl who didn’t really mean anything to me. All because I couldn’t see how she felt about me.

“She forgave you,” Nyelle says, as if reading my mind. “She tried to call you a few months later, but you never responded. So she thought she screwed up.”

“What? I never heard from her.”

“Oh.” Rae sighs in realization. “That was the summer your dad got the company phones and your number changed. Remember you were pissed?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I groan. “I wish I’d tried harder. I shouldn’t have given up on her.”

I look down at the floor and close my eyes. Regret is a vicious beast, clawing deep and pouring salt on the wound when you try to heal. I should have fought for her.

Nyelle and Rae remain silent. “I’m so angry,” Rae says after a while. “I can’t help it. I am.”

Nyelle looks between us with a small smile. “I have an idea that might help.”

“I don’t want ice cream,” I grumble.

Nyelle laughs. “No, not that.” She eases herself off the floor. “Put on a shirt. We’re going outside.”

I turn to Rae. She looks at me and shrugs. “Let’s go.”

I sigh in resignation and push myself up. My body feels stiff and tired. It takes me a minute to get myself together before pulling on a long-sleeved shirt. I stuff my bare feet in my boots, not bothering to lace them.

My mother watches us come down the stairs from the couch, where Henley is curled up at her feet.

“How are you guys doing?” she asks tentatively.

“I’m pissed,” Rae announces. “So Nyelle’s going to help me deal.”

My mother nods slowly, digesting it. “Well, I’m here too. I just figured I’d give you three some space for a bit.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

We walk out onto the porch.

“Now what?” Rae asks.

“Scream,” Nyelle tells her.

Rae looks at her like she’s crazy. Then it hits her. The day we—well, Richelle—changed Nicole’s grade, and we stood in the back of the school and released all of our frustrations.

“Okay,” Rae replies, gripping the railing.

Nyelle and I line up next to her, facing the dark woods.

Rae inhales deep and then lets go. Her scream is piercing. I know it’s scaring small animals in the woods. And then Nyelle begins screaming along with her, with a pitch so high and full of emotion it could shatter all the windows in the house.

I reach down deep and take all the shit that’s been thrown at me today and release it too, letting my pain and anger echo in the dark.

We stand on the porch, side by side, screaming at the world for taking Richelle from us. For leaving us here to create memories without her. Moments she deserved to be a part of. For the years I didn’t get to be there for her when she was sick. For the friendship I lost. And all the hurt that it caused. I scream for all of us, until there’s nothing left.

When we’re done, my shoulders sink in exhaustion. Rae collapses against me, drained. I hug her, and then Nyelle comes up behind her and squeezes her too. If Richelle’s seeing this, she’s laughing, because I know we look ridiculous.

“I miss her,” I say quietly, still holding on to the girls. “I’ve missed her for a long time.”

“I miss her every day,” Nyelle whispers, looking up at me, over Rae.

“Okay, get off me,” Rae demands. “I’m done. I can’t cry, scream, or do anything anymore. I’m going to fall on my face.”

I grin, releasing her. Nyelle spins her around, grasping her shoulders, and kisses her on the mouth. It happens so fast, Rae is left stunned.

“I love you, Raelyn,” Nyelle declares.

I fight to keep from laughing, but fail. “Rae, I—”

“Don’t you dare,” she warns. “There’s already been way too much touching going on tonight. I can’t handle all of this love shit too.” She walks determinedly into the cabin.