What If
WHAT IF
Rebecca Donovan is the
USA Today
bestselling author of the highly acclaimed new-adult trilogy, The Breathing Series. Her novels include:
Reason to Breathe, Barely Breathing,
and
Out of Breath
.
Rebecca is a graduate of the University of Missouri, Columbia, and lives in a quiet town in Massachusetts with her son. Excited by all that makes life possible, she is a music enthusiast and is willing to try just about anything once.
You can find out more at
www.rebeccadonovan.com
or
www.facebook.com/RebeccaDonovanAuthor
. You can also follow her on Twitter:
@beccadonovan
To my son, Brian. The bravest person I know.
~ I wished for you.~
“Why the hell are we here, Cal?” Rae asks as she hands me a beer. “I didn’t like these people when we were in high school. And I still don’t. Nothing’s changed.”
But something
has
changed.
I sit on the tailgate of my truck, taking a few gulps, and casually scan the crowd, clustered in the predictable groups they were in when we graduated last year: the athletes, the dramatics, the tokers and, of course, the elites.
They’re why I’m here. Sort of.
“I’m giving this one hour, and then we’re out of here,” Rae declares, taking a sip of her beer. She slowly lowers her cup, staring across the field. “Holy shit. Is Heather Townsend walking over here?”
I look up just as Heather appears in front of me, twisting a strand of blond hair around her finger.
“Hi, Cal. I’m glad you showed up,” she says, wearing a flirtatious smile.
“Hey,” I respond. She takes a step closer, moving between my dangling legs.
“Partying in the woods is so… high school.” She exhales dramatically. “I mean, you’d think we would’ve grown up a little since we left for college.”
“Yeah, but we still have parents who won’t willingly let us drink and trash their houses,” I note. She laughs like I said the funniest thing she’s ever heard.
Rae groans. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Heather leans in so I can feel her breath on my mouth, “I think we’re going to have a fun summer together.”
I swallow, unable to back away any farther without lying down.
“I’m only here for the week,” I tell her. Her lower lip juts out in a sulk. Not attractive.
“Where are you going?” she asks, setting a hand on my knee. My entire body tenses.
“Oregon. I’m working for my uncle for the summer.”
“But you just got here, like… today.”
I hear Rae grumble something under her breath.
“Sorry,” I say with a shrug. “So, umm. Where is everyone? I don’t see Nicole with you guys.”
Heather steps back with a roll of her eyes, crossing her arms. I’ve struck a nerve.
“I don’t know. I guess she thinks she’s better than us now that she’s at Harvard.”
I pry a little more. “Have you heard from her since graduation?” I can feel Rae staring at me.
“Not even a stupid text. I mean, we were her
best friends
for like… ever. And nothing. Bitch.”
My eyes widen at her hostility.
“Heather.” Vi is standing behind her with her hands on her hips. “The party’s over here.” She nods toward the other elites, all clustered around Kyle’s BMW.
“I’ll be right there,” Heather responds to Vi; then she looks back to me. “Maybe we can do something before you go.”
“Maybe,” I reply, knowing we won’t. Heather turns and walks with Vi back to where she belongs. I slide off the truck and watch them walk away, back to the crowd that never gave us a second glance before today.
I’m forcefully bumped forward by a shoulder and end up spilling beer on my pants.
“Not for you to look at,” Neil Talbert threatens from behind me.
I close my eyes and take a breath to restrain myself, wanting so badly to turn around and punch him in the face. My fist clenches with just the thought of it.
“You’re such a dick,” Rae snaps when I finally face him.
I look past Neil—who’s trying to make himself look bigger, flexing his arms at his sides—to Rae and give her a quick shake of my head.
“Still having girls fight for you,” Neil scoffs. “You really haven’t changed, no matter what you look like.”
I don’t say anything. There’s no point. He’s as much of an ass as he was in high school, and nothing I say will make a difference.
“Neil!” yells some guy from a distance. “Where the hell have you been? We’ve been waiting for the Beam for like an hour. Get over here.”
The tension in my shoulders eases when he starts walking toward his brother’s BMW.
“Cal, I don’t know why you still let him treat you like that. Hell, you’re bigger than he is now. You know you could take him,” she says, still glowering over my shoulder.
“He’s not worth it.” I lift myself back up onto the tailgate.
“And what the hell was that about with Heather Townsend? Seriously? Sure, you grew three inches, ditched the glasses for contacts and somehow put on muscle I didn’t know your scrawny body could handle, but you don’t look
that
different. You’re still you.”
“Thanks for keeping my ego in check, Rae. I appreciate it.”
She continues, ignoring me. “And Nicole Bentley? Really, Cal? I thought you gave up on her years ago.”
“But don’t you think it’s weird she didn’t come back this summer?”
Something felt off when I didn’t see her walking alongside the girls earlier today. And it still does.
She’s
the reason I’m here.
I look over as Ashley straddles Kyle, kissing him like she’s marking her territory. Kyle was Nicole’s boyfriend throughout most of high school. And Ashley, Heather and Vi were supposed to be her best friends. I was never convinced she belonged with them, even if she was at the top of their hierarchy. She always seemed uncomfortable with the attention. Or maybe I was the only one who thought that. I stopped trying to defend Nicole’s ice queen reputation a long time ago because it pisses Rae off.
“Why do you care?” Rae questions. “We haven’t been friends with her since Richelle moved away in eighth grade. Nicole chose
them,
remember?” There’s a bite in Rae’s tone. I know it’s to cover up the hurt that she still feels from losing two of our closest friends in one summer. We don’t talk about it. But we never do. I’ve known Rae my entire life, so I
know
her, even when she doesn’t say anything.
The four of us grew up together in the same small-town California neighborhood. Rae lives next door, although she’s pretty much an extension of my family at this point. Nicole and Richelle were neighbors a few houses down the street. When we were kids, we were inseparable. But things changed as we got older.
Richelle moved away. We stayed in touch for a while. And then we didn’t. Nicole chose popularity over our friendship soon after. Rae never got over Nicole’s betrayal. And I never got over Nicole. I will never admit this to Rae, or to anyone else for that matter, but I miss them. I know I can’t do anything about it now. It’s been too long.
I look to Rae. “Isn’t it strange that the most popular girl in school hasn’t been heard from in over a year and no one seems to care?”
“Besides you?” Rae counters with a scoff. “Get over her, Cal. She became the queen elite bitch, and now Ashley has taken over her reign. They don’t care about her. They never did. I don’t know why you do.”
“It’s like she just… disappeared,” I say quietly, staring unfocused at the ground.
Within the recesses of a faded memory, I can hear Nicole screaming. It was the last thing I heard before no one saw her again.
“You can’t make it go away by pretending nothing happened.”
“You understand, right?” Carly says, “I feel really bad breaking it off at a party, but I didn’t think it was fair to wait and do it later, when we’re drunk.” She crosses her arms over her chest, accentuating what little her genie costume is covering up.
“Yeah,” I respond, with a nod—too shocked to say anything else. I eye the cowboy I’d found her talking to, standing a safe distance away with two red cups in his hands. I can only assume he’s the reason she wants to talk now instead of later.
It’s not like we’re that serious. I mean, it’s been only three weeks. Carly pulls me down by the brim of my baseball hat and kisses me on the cheek before vanishing into the artificial fog of the Halloween party. I look down at the two cups I’m carrying and shake my head. This sucks. Draining one of the beers, I make my way out of the house through the back door. There’s no way I want to stick around now.
As I round the corner, I find a couple pinned up against the side of the house, reminding me of what I
won’t
be doing tonight. Not what I need right now. But as I get closer, I realize they’re not hooking up; they’re arguing… or more like she’s telling him off.
“You don’t get to touch me,” seethes the girl dressed head to toe in black. I don’t realize she’s wearing a ninja costume at first, since she practically blends in with the shadows of the house. Then I see what looks like a blade reflecting in her hand. “This ass is not yours to touch, and if you so much as look at it, I’m going to shred your balls. Got it?”
The guy in scrubs nods, his eyes flicker between her glare and the sai held under his chin. The weapon looks legit. And she looks pissed enough to use it. I wouldn’t be able to speak either if I were in his position.
I take a sip of my beer, anticipating what she’ll do next. But she just walks away. I’m disappointed. I expected her to at least knee him or something.
“Fucking psycho,” the surgeon spits out—but not loud enough for her to hear him. I think he prefers to protect his balls.
He elects to use the back entrance, staying clear of the ninja. Smart move. I gulp down the rest of the beer, toss the cup on the lawn, and follow after her—curious to see where she’s heading. I locate her striding toward the sidewalk and continue in the same direction.
“Nyelle!” a girl yells, rushing from the front door. “Nyelle, where are you going?” Strawberry Shortcake almost runs into me, chasing after her friend. She looks up, and her eyes widen in surprise. “Oh. Hi, Cal!” She smiles, her painted cheeks blossoming.
It takes me a moment to recognize her. “Tess! How are you?”
“Um.” She glances to the sidewalk where Nyelle has stopped. “I’m okay, but I think I have to go.” She starts toward her friend and says as she walks, “It was great to see you. We should—”
“You two need a ride?” I ask, glancing between her and the spitfire with her hands on her hips.
“Sure.”
“No!”
My eyes bounce between the two girls, not sure which answer to go with.
“Come on, Nyelle. It’s cold. Let him give us a ride.”
“I need to walk.” Nyelle turns and continues down the sidewalk. I look at Tess, questioning. She sighs and rushes after her. I can’t help it—I’m intrigued and have to follow.
“Fucking stupid boys,” the ninja grumbles beneath the mask, focused on her steps.
“She’s having a bad night,” Tess tries to explain.
I examine the girl in black more carefully. Her face is hidden, with only a slit revealing her eyes. The black robe and pants aren’t tight, but they don’t hide the fact that there’s a girl beneath them either. Let’s just say this girl would make a trash bag sexy. Add the mystique of not knowing what she looks like, and I’m suddenly aware of the turn-on. Dumbass should have kept his hands to himself.
“How are your classes this semester? Have you decided on a major yet?” Tess asks, her attention set on me. I redirect my focus away from the fuming ninja, who continues to ramble in expletives. I’m beginning to think she might go back to the party and give the surgeon a need for an operation.
“They’re okay. And no, I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.”
Tess laughs. “I was hoping we’d have another class together. You saved me in art history last semester. I don’t think I would’ve been able to stay awake if you hadn’t made up your own commentary for the slides.” Tess smiles up at me. I can see the shy flirtation glimmering in her eyes. I choose to ignore it.
“I wish you would’ve let him drive us,” Tess complains to her friend. “It’s cold.” She wraps her arms around herself with a shiver.
I stop to take off the lined flannel shirt I have on over my T-shirt. “Here.”
“Thanks.” Tess beams, taking it and wrapping it around her shoulders.
Nyelle waits for us with her arms crossed, scanning me with judgment. I look down at my shirt, thinking maybe it’s ripped or stained. I didn’t really inspect it closely when I threw it on earlier.
“What?”
“Who are you supposed to be?” Nyelle asks, turning abruptly to start walking again.
“A drunk college guy.”
“That’s original.” Her voice is heavy with sarcasm.
“What? You saw another one at the party tonight? I thought I was the only one.”
Tess giggles. Nyelle scoffs.
I inspect the shiny metal tucked into her belt. The weapons
are
legit. “Do you know how to use those?”
“Do you want to find out?” she snaps.
“Nyelle!” Tess scolds. She looks to me apologetically. “Sorry. She’s not usually so unfiltered… Okay, yes, she is. But I’m sorry anyway.”
“You don’t have to apologize for me. Especially when I’m standing right here.”
“I’m not offended,” I assure Tess, glancing over at Nyelle, whose eyes tighten ever so slightly. It’s too dark to tell what color they are, shadowed by the mask, but they have an exotic shape to them that looks eerily familiar. “I’m not going to take you up on your offer to demonstrate your weaponry skills, though. Even if you don’t know what you’re doing, it would probably hurt. And pain and I don’t get along.”
The edges of Nyelle’s eyes crease slightly, and I’m convinced I got her to smile.
We continue in our bizarre semisilence, with Tess trying to keep warm and Nyelle grumbling.
I try to get a better look at her, but she keeps her head down with her fists clenched tight. I’m thinking she may be the angriest girl I’ve ever met.
We finally come to a stop in front of their dorm under a bright orange light.
“Thanks for walking us back,” Tess says, a little more deflated when she notices my attention focused on her friend. She removes the flannel jacket from her shoulders and hands it to me.
“Sure,” I reply, smiling quickly before looking back at Nyelle. “It was nice to meet you.”
“We haven’t—” she begins. Her words cut short when our eyes meet. Everything fades, and I can’t look away. I’m looking into the most incredible blue eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re the kind of eyes that could keep me standing here like an idiot, staring into them all night. I know, because I’ve stared into them before.
“Good night,” Tess says. I blink.
“Good night, Tess,” I reply in a rasp. When I look back, the girl in black is already walking across the lobby.
* * *
I’ve never really looked at an eye for this long before. There are so many shapes and lines. The longer I look, the more colors I find. There’s a shade of blue near the center that’s so light, it barely looks like a color at all. Then the colors seem to get darker as they spread out, like a storm parting for a clear sky. The line around her eye is so dark, it’s almost purple, like… midnight. I swear there’s every shade of blue in her eyes, even specks of silver. Focusing on the different colors keeps me from blinking. I want to move closer to see them all.
“Richelle, stop that. You’re going to make them blink,” I suddenly hear Rae say behind me. “What? Are you jealous that he’s not looking into
your
eyes?”“Shut up, Rae!” Richelle huffs as Rae laughs.
Nicole’s long, dark lashes flutter shut.
“Cal wins!” Richelle declares.
I lean back and blink a few times. My eyes are dry from keeping them open for so long.
Nicole looks to me and smiles lightly, her cheeks pink. “You win.”
* * *
“There’s no way it’s her,” I mutter. I lean against the bar, which is really a plank of wood set across two stacks of milk crates. It shifts beneath my weight, because it’s not meant to hold people up.
“Dude, what are you talking about?” Eric asks from the other side. “You’ve been going on about eyes for the past hour. You’re drunk, and you’re not making any sense.
“You don’t understand!” I exclaim. “She has
her
eyes.”
“Okay. Whatever you say. There’s no way you’re driving back to our apartment. Crash here tonight. The couch is all yours. ”
I nod, blinking heavily. I stumble to the dark brown couch and collapse. Eric tosses me a blanket, which lands across my legs. I leave it there, not bothering to cover up. I flop my arm across my face and close my eyes.
I try to convince myself that I’ve imagined it. I got a glimpse of the ninja’s eyes for only a few seconds. But I swear I was looking into Nicole Bentley’s eyes.
* * *
I’m jolted awake when I roll over and practically fall off the couch. It takes a second for me to realize where I am. Then the memories of the previous night start floating to the surface.
Getting dumped. A ninja. Strawberry Shortcake. Nicole’s eyes. Walking to Eric’s fraternity. Drinking. More drinking.
I sit up slowly, letting the spinning in my head settle before reaching for my boots. I run my dry tongue along the roof of my mouth, cringing at the awful taste.
“Hey,” Eric says hoarsely from the bottom bunk on the other side of the bedroom. “You have class?”
“It’s Sunday,” I inform him as I stuff my feet in my boots.
“That’s right,” he says, rolling over and covering his head with the blanket.
The clock reads after ten in the morning. I really want to go back to sleep, but I have a paper to write—and a hangover to conquer. Not necessarily in that order.
I throw on my flannel shirt and find my way out of the fraternity house. I have to walk a few blocks back to where I parked my truck for the Halloween party last night. Taking a sobering breath of the cold, crisp air, I start the truck. The freezing vinyl seeping through my jeans and the chill in the air does little to clear my head. I need coffee.
* * *
I’m in desperate need of caffeine to kick my ass as I wait in line at Bean Buzz. Especially today. I lived up to the role of “the drunk college guy” last night. I don’t do it often. But it was such a messed-up night.
I thank Mel behind the register as she hands me my cup. I’m half convinced I’m sleepwalking as I head toward the door, my eyes barely open. I focus on the light coming from the exit and concentrate on moving my body in that direction.
“Cal?”
I stretch my eyes wide and inhale deeply through my nose in attempt to focus. Carly is standing in front of me. How did she know I’d be here? I never brought her here. I never bring any girls here. I picked the most inconvenient coffee shop off campus so I could avoid accidentally running into them.
“Carly, what are you doing here?” I ask, too surprised to be filtered.
“Uh, getting coffee,” she answers, holding up the cup.
“Right,” I say with a slight nod, feeling like an ass.
“Do you have a second? I was hoping we could talk.”
“Uh…” I hesitate. Right now just standing is a challenge, forget about talking.
“It’ll be quick. I promise.”
“Okay.” I reluctantly follow her to a table that opens up in front of the large picture window. I have no idea what I’m walking into. I’m assuming she wants to apologize for how she ended things last night.
“I think I made a mistake,” she says as I lower myself onto the chair. “I shouldn’t have broken up with you.”
I definitely didn’t see this coming.
My stunned silence encourages her to continue. “I guess I freaked because I’m starting to have feelings for you. But after you left the party last night, I realized how many douche-wads there are on campus. You’re not like them. I screwed up, and I want to give us another chance.”
Shit. I am not coherent enough for this. So I stall and take a slow sip of my coffee, looking everywhere but at the girl sitting across from me waiting for an answer. That’s when I see those same damn blue eyes from last night, staring at me from the leather sofa on the far side of the café—without the mask.
“Cal?” Carly calls to me.
“No way,” I murmur, transfixed.
“What?” Carly questions, a hint of panic in her voice. “No?”
“Sorry.” I recover quickly, reluctantly looking away. “Um, I thought I saw… Never mind.” I shake my head and try to focus. She gave me an out last night. So I’m taking it. It’s not like it would’ve lasted much longer anyway, especially if she wanted more from me.
I take a quick breath and say, “Yeah, no. I can’t get back together with you.”
“Uh… what?” Carly’s eyes narrow. “Why?”
“Sorry, Carly. I just can’t.” I stand and walk away before I can see her reaction. I really should keep walking out the door. But I don’t. Instead, I cross the café to the brown leather sofa where the unmasked girl from last night is reading with her feet propped up on the coffee table.
Then I just stand there and stare at her. She doesn’t notice me, and that’s probably a good thing because I know I look like a creep hovering above her. I have no idea what to say because I’m standing in front of
Nicole Bentley
. But this girl looks… different. She doesn’t look
exactly
like the girl who moved into my neighborhood fifteen years ago. So maybe she’s not her. It doesn’t make sense for her to be here. Except… those are her eyes.
“Nicole?”
She doesn’t look up. I’m about to call to her again when someone brushes against my arm.
“Here you go, Nyelle,” Tess says, reaching over the coffee table to hand Nicole a mug. “Hot chocolate with two pumps of mocha and whipped cream. How can you drink that much sugar in the morning? It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.” Then Tess looks up at me and smiles brightly. “Hey, Cal.”