What If (20 page)

“Whatever she said in the letter couldn’t have been that bad. I mean, you became friends again,” Rae continues, ignoring me.

“We should have just stayed friends,” I mumble, resting my head on the back of the rocking chair. “It wasn’t the same after. We never even saw each other again. So I’m pretty sure she
wasn’t
in love with me.”

“Trust me, she was. She probably just knew it would never work. I mean a long-distance relationship when you’re thirteen is pretty pointless.” Rae sighs and hugs her knees to her chest. “You have no clue how girls think.”

“I’m not going to argue with you on that,” I admit.

We don’t say anything for a minute, silently rocking. Then Rae’s mouth rounds as if struck by a sudden epiphany. “You said something to her about a girl, didn’t you?”

“When?” I’m trying to follow her girl-speak, but can’t.

“When she stopped talking to you. You told her about some girl. I know it.”

I try to think back. It seems so long ago now.

“Oh,” I breathe.

“What?”

“Lily. I told her about Lily,” I say, recalling how quiet she was after I confessed what a disaster my first time was.

“You’re such an idiot,” Rae says, shaking her head. “You don’t tell the girl who’s in love with you about losing your virginity to
another
girl!”

“She was one of my
best friends
! I told
you
,” I reply.

Rae rolls her eyes. “You’re so clueless. No wonder you can’t stay in a relationship longer than a month.”

“You
really
think Lily’s the reason she stopped talking to me?” I ask, still skeptical.

“Definitely.” Rae lets out a quick laugh. “You should try calling her. It’s not too late, you know. And if she stayed friends with Nicole, she might know what happened to her.”

“I’m not sure she’ll talk to me now. It’s been, like, three years.”

“What do you have to lose?”

She has a point. I already lost her once. What’s the worst that can happen? “I’ll call her later, if I can get a signal out here.”

*     *     *

Reception in the middle of the Oregon woods is sketchy. There isn’t a need for a cell tower for the hundred or so recluses who prefer nature to civilization, my uncle included.

I still have Richelle’s cell phone programmed in my phone. So I find the spot where it flashes two bars and try to call her.

“Hey. This is Richelle. I’m not around right now. So leave a message and I’ll call you back if I want to talk to you.”

The sound of her voice brings back an onslaught of memories. I’ve missed her, and it took hearing her voice again to realize just how much.

“Uh, hey, Richelle. It’s Cal. I know it’s been a while. And I’m sorry I haven’t called. Was wondering how you are and where you ended up going to college. I’m at Crenshaw. Bet you didn’t expect that, did you? Anyway, you have my number. Hope you’ll call me back.”

September—Freshman Year of High School

“How’s high school?” Richelle asks when I enter her room.

“Stupid,” I mumble, sitting on the beanbag chair in the corner. “It’s all about what you wear. Who you talk to. Who likes you. It’s stupid.”

Richelle laughs. “It can’t be
that
bad.”

“I don’t even want to talk to anyone. It’s exhausting,” I say with a groan. “Besides, Ashley, Vi and Heather talk more than enough, so I doubt anyone would ever notice if I didn’t.”

“You never used to talk before anyway.” Then her brown eyes light up. “You can be the mysterious hot girl who never speaks.” Richelle says it in a seductive voice, grinning.

I know she’s trying to make me feel better. But I really do hate high school. There’s so much… judgment.

“Who cares,” she throws out there when I try to smile but fail. “Don’t talk. Watch. You’ll become the most popular girl in school without ever saying a word.”

“Seriously?” I have to smile at that one.

“People are stupid,” she notes matter-of-factly. “Example. Look who you’re forcing yourself to hang out with. Those girls don’t have a brain cell between them.”

I laugh, and she smiles in return.

“You have no idea,” I say, still smiling. “I honestly have to tune them out most of the time and just nod my head so they think I’m paying attention.”

“I wish you were brave enough to dump them. I know you don’t want to upset your parents, but those girls are…” Richelle huffs in exasperation. We’ve gone over this before, many times.

She continues. “As I was saying, people are dumb and superficial. You are those girls’ beacon to anything with a penis.”

“Richelle!” I gawk.

“You know what I mean. You’re gorgeous. Guys flock to you, which means guys flock to them. They win by default.”

“That’s so sad when you say it like that.” I shake my head, cringing.

Richelle and I don’t really talk about it, but she knows I don’t see myself like everyone else does. I’m a package, wrapped up nice and neat by my parents. Filled with expectations of perfection—from my hair, to my teeth, to my perfectly pressed clothes. There is nothing real about the person I present to the world, and so I don’t see anything but a mirage when I look in the mirror. The way I look is as fake as I feel.

No one has any idea who I am under the perfect bow tied in my hair. Except Richelle.

“I wish I could be there to watch you silently rule the school.”

“I wish you were there too,” I sigh. “You’re the only real friend I have.”

“Same here.” Richelle grins.

“So, we’ll have to get through high school together, even if we’re apart,” I declare.

Richelle is quiet. She looks down at her hands.

“Don’t do that,” I tell her. “It’ll be fine. You have to believe that eventually you’ll come back to Renfield. Besides, I already started our list for after graduation.”

“You did?” she asks, perking up. “What’s the first thing on it?”

“Spending the summer backpacking through Europe.”

“Your parents will
never
let you,” Richelle says with a laugh.

“Actually, Harvard encourages students to spend their first year abroad, to experience the world. They’ll think it’s a great idea, trust me.”

“Then let’s spend a whole year doing it, instead of just the summer. We’ll travel around the world. When else will we be able to take an entire year off?”

“True. I’ll change it.” I take the lined yellow paper out of my purse and cross out “for the summer” and add “for a year.”

“Let me see it,” Richelle requests, holding out her hand.

I stand up and join her on her bed, handing her the paper.

Richelle reads off, “Travel around the world for a year. Take a hot air balloon ride. Help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.” She looks at me and smiles. “I like that.” She pauses, then says, “Ooh. Then let’s do this.”

She takes the pen and writes, “Help kids remember they’re kids even when their lives suck.”

This squeezes my heart… in a good way.

She starts reading out loud again. “Fall in love.” Then she writes “with Cal” in parenthesis. And adds, “Lose virginity to Cal.”

“Richelle! This is a list we’re supposed to do
together
!”

“I’ll put his name in parentheses here too. You can lose your virginity and fall in love with whoever you want.”

“Yeah, that’s never going to happen.” The idea of
liking
a guy, forget about falling in love with one, seems impossible. Most of the guys I know drive me crazy… except Cal. Although I don’t talk to him anymore. Besides, I could never do that to Richelle—she’s my best friend. I even promised her years ago that I wouldn’t.

“Let me see.” I hold out my hand to take the list back. “Roll down a hill? Really?”

“When was the last time you rolled down a hill?” she challenges.

“Never,” I say quietly.

“Exactly.”

I write, “Relive the happiest day of your life.”

“What day is that?” Richelle asks.

I smile. “I don’t know just yet.”

I collapse onto the broken-in leather sofa at Bean Buzz, exhausted and defeated. I spent the entire day driving around Crenshaw in search of Nyelle. But I couldn’t find her.

I checked every possible place that I could think of: the hotel, the homeless shelter, Elaine’s, the hospital, the medical office, Starlight, and back here again. I drove down random streets in hopes of finding her walking. I called her. I texted her. I did everything except scream her name—although I did consider it. She’s gone, and I have no idea what to do now.

“Bad day?”

A cute girl wearing a low-cut sweater is sitting next to me with a book in her lap.

“Very,” I answer, sinking further into the couch. My body feels like it’s about to collapse in on itself.

“I’d be happy to buy you something stronger than coffee if you want to leave here,” she offers sympathetically.

I smile politely. “Thanks, but—” I grunt when someone pounces on me, landing on my lap. I’m paralyzed when I find Nyelle straddling me.

Before I can react, she says, “I take it back. I don’t want you dating anyone.” She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me in front of everyone. I’m still trying to catch my breath when she pulls away. “Okay?”

She’s back. The carefree girl I met in this coffee shop. I can torture myself wondering where she’s been, or trying to figure out what happened to Nicole. But right now, I don’t care. Nyelle’s sitting on my lap, smiling down at me, and that’s all that matters.

“Hi. How was your Christmas?” she asks happily. There’s not a hint of the distress in her voice or sadness in her eyes that have been haunting me since I let her walk out.

The girl with the revealing sweater is gawking at us. Actually, just about everyone is staring. I should be used to being stared at in this place by now—I’m convinced I’m a legend at this point.

Someone clears her throat.

We look up. Mel is standing next to us with her hands on her hips. “I know you two are still going through your honeymoon phase and all, but this is a family establishment.”

Nyelle smiles at her. “That’s okay. We were just leaving.”

She stands and takes my hand.

“Uh… sorry, Mel.”

Nyelle yanks me from the couch and leads me out the door. When we’re outside in the cold, she turns around and throws her arms around my neck again. My brain is hesitant to accept that she’s really here, standing in front of me. And… is genuinely excited to see me.

I pull her in for a hug, burying my face in her hair. “You have no idea how happy I am right now.”

“You thought I left, didn’t you?” She squeezes me back.

“Yeah,” I say with a heavy sigh. “I did. I’m sorry I didn’t go after you when you walked out. I should have. I just…”

“It’s okay,” she says, peering up at me. “I’m still here.” Her eyes connect with mine. “We don’t have to talk about it.”

And so we won’t. The last thing I want is for her to walk away again. Instead, I respond by leaning down and kissing her warm lips. She runs her fingers through my hair, pressing into me. The kiss picks up pace, along with my pulse.

She murmurs, “Let’s go back to your place,” with her lips still touching mine. I think I answer, but it might have come out as a low groan.

“Excuse me.” We turn our heads. Mel is standing on the steps with her arms crossed, glaring at us. “Seriously?”

“Uh… yeah. We’re
really
leaving,” I utter, my face flushed. I take Nyelle’s hand and walk to the truck.

Nyelle’s bags are already in the front seat when we get in. I smile, knowing she stashed them here when she realized the truck was unlocked. There’s still a part of me that believes I’m dreaming all of this.

Especially when we enter my apartment and she goes straight to my bedroom, dropping her jacket on the couch and pulling her shirt over her head. This better
not
be a dream.

When I enter the bedroom, her boots are off and she’s unbuttoning her jeans.

I drop my jacket on the desk chair.

“Are you sure about this?” I ask, unable to take my eyes of the skin she’s just exposed.

She bites her lip and nods. Lowering her jeans and peeling off her socks, she lays back on my bed. I’m watching her eyes, waiting for any hint that she’s messing with me. Which would be cruel, especially when I glance down the length of her—it would be
very
cruel.

I grab my T-shirt from behind my neck and pull it off, tossing it on the floor. I refuse to look away, fearing that if I do, even for a second, I’ll wake up. I’ve had this dream before.

“Wow.” She raises her eyebrows. “I wasn’t expecting to see that under there.”

I freeze. I don’t even have my pants off yet. Then I realize she’s talking about my chest. And I don’t know how to respond. What do I say? Thanks? I decide not to say anything, and lean over her on the bed as she glides her hands along my skin, rousing an eruption of goose bumps. I kiss her softly, holding myself over her.

“Just tell me what I should do,” she murmurs into my mouth. I’m not expecting her to be so forward. But there’s something about the way she says it that makes me stop.

I pull back and look down at her. “What do you mean?”

“Just… let me know how to do this.” Her blue eyes search mine with a hint of nervousness.

“Wait.” I stand back up. “Nyelle, is this your first time?” But it can’t be. There’s messed up, but this is beyond that.

“Well, yeah,” she answers, propped up on her elbow. “That’s okay, right?”

I nod, trying to process this. “But…” I’m about to ask her about Kyle. At the last second, I stop myself. “You dated… for a long time.”

“I know,” she responds, sitting up.

“Then, how are you still a virgin?”

“I never wanted anyone to touch me,” she responds bluntly. “But I trust you. I’ve always trusted you.”

Oh shit. Those words again. “I trust you.” They’re words weighted with expectation. Damn, I really hate those words right now. And on top of that, what I said in the frosting tree about everyone’s first time sucking is coming back to kick me in the ass. No pressure or anything.

I pick up her clothes and hand them to her.

“What?” she asks, taking them from me. “You don’t want to have sex with me?”

“Oh, I definitely want to have sex with you,” I assure her, pulling my shirt back on. “But now I need to be the exception.”

“What does that mean?” she asks, holding her clothes on her lap, not moving.

“Do me a favor? Get dressed in the bathroom and wait until I come get you. Okay?”

She nods slowly, still confused. When she stands up, I gently grasp her arms and place a soft kiss on her lips.

“I need a minute.”

“Okay,” she says quietly before walking out of the bedroom.

I shut the door behind her and close my eyes, running a hand through my hair. Shit. I take a quick breath and then go to my closet. There’s a box in here somewhere filled with… Here it is. Candles. I spread the votives around the room and light them. Fold back the covers of the bed. Plug in my iPhone. Select a decent playlist. And shut off the lights.

I stand back and check out the room. Much better.

Before I leave, I take a condom out of my dresser drawer and set it on the table next to the bed. I’m usually not so obvious about it. I like to make it seem like it appears out of nowhere. But there’s going to be a lot of pressure as it is, and I don’t want to be searching for it when the time comes.

Last minute, I decide to take off my boots and socks. They’re always the worst mood killer. There’s no subtle way of removing them. When I step out of the room, the shower turns off. Wasn’t expecting that. I grin, already anticipating the scent of her clean skin.

I still can’t believe Kyle and Nicole never had sex. I’m not complaining. But I could have sworn…

*     *     *

RAE: WHERE ARE YOU?

ME: DOWNSTAIRS

RAE: AT FRONT DOOR. COME GET ME.

“Rae’s here,” I tell Brady and Craig, who are playing some sort of drinking game with darts. “I’m going upstairs to get her. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” they respond in unison without looking at me.

I cut through the crowd and up the steps. No one’s upstairs, since the party’s in the basement and outside. I have no idea why Rae needs an escort, but whatever.

“Where is she now?” Vi huffs. “I’m not waiting around here forever.”

I pause before I turn the corner.

“She’s upstairs with Kyle. God, they’ve spent the entire summer together. You’d think they could keep their hands off each other for one party,” Heather adds in that tone that drives me crazy. So much drama out of one person.

“I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off of him either,” Ashley says with a seductive lilt in her voice.

“Ashley!” Heather giggles.

I almost bump into them when they come around the corner. They don’t acknowledge me directly, but sigh dramatically, like I’m in their way.

When I reach the front door, Rae isn’t there. Actually, no one’s around.

I pull out my phone.

ME: AT FRONT DOOR. WHERE ARE YOU?

RAE: BATHROOM. WAIT FOR ME.

I take a seat on the stairs leading to the second floor and wait. I hear a door click open at the top of the stairs and stand, expecting Rae.

“I just don’t want to do it here, okay?” Nicole says. “We’re at a party, and that’s not exactly what I had in mind.”

“Do you ever have me in mind?” Kyle demands.

“Hey, you’re getting exactly what you want out of this,” Nicole snaps back.

“Okay. Listen, I’m sorry,” Kyle says, “but I’ve wanted you for so long, and you’re about to go to college—”

The door clicks shut again, thankfully. The last thing I need to hear is Kyle telling Nicole how much she means to him.

“Ready?” Rae asks, appearing in front of me.

“Let’s go,” I reply, following her downstairs.

*     *     *

Looking back, I guess I didn’t hear that conversation right at all.

The bathroom door opens and Nyelle steps out, pulling her dry hair out of an elastic and letting it fall over her shoulders. She put her clothes back on, which makes me happy. I’d rather be the one to take them off.

“I’m ready,” she declares, like she’s about to run out onto the basketball court.

“Okay. No rush. No pressure. We’re going to take this—”

She jumps up on me, wrapping her legs around my waist. I stumble back a step and tuck my arms under her butt to hold her up. A sexy smile appears on her face. She leans in until her lips brush against mine, teasing. Just the feel of her breath against my skin ignites me. Her mouth moves with mine, slowly.

Nyelle kisses along my jaw and down my neck as I carry her into the bedroom. I set her on her feet, cupping her face to kiss her again, unable to get enough of her. Her hands slide under my shirt, and I help her pull it over my head. I shiver when her fingers dance along my skin, and her mouth finds my chest.

I ease her shirt off, and she reaches for the buttons of my jeans. I’m undoing her zipper as I attempt to kick my jeans off, which is taking way too much effort. We’re both standing here in our underwear, staring at each other.

I search her eyes again for any sign of hesitation. I really could spend the night looking into these eyes. She stands up on her tiptoes and whispers, “I want this. I promise.”

That’s all I need, and I’m sliding my hands along her waist and kissing her with more passion and want than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I swear I’m on fire. Every inch of me.

Nyelle slowly lowers onto her back, and I’m right there, over her, kissing her, touching her. Her breath is heavy as I trail my hands down her skin, taking my time—getting to know all of her. I accept that there’s not much I can do about the sex itself being uncomfortable for her, but I can make what happens before it worth remembering. And from the sounds escaping her, I believe I do…

I hold myself above her, taking in the girl below me. My heart hurts she’s so beautiful. And she trusts me…

*     *     *

Nyelle is lying quietly against my chest, and I’m tense, waiting for some kind of reaction. I had a hard time deciphering her quick breaths and closed eyes while it was happening. I had no idea what was going on in her head. Still don’t.

“Uh…” I finally say. “How are you?”

There’s a pause. I remain still, practically holding my breath.

“Different.”

“Is that… good or bad?” I ask quickly.

She laughs lightly, drawing circles on my chest. “Just, different.”

Nyelle lifts her head and grins at me. Then she leans in and kisses the tip of my nose. I still haven’t moved, fearing I just became another horrible first-time statistic.

“Cal, it was our first time,” she says—not helping. “I don’t have anything to compare it to.”

“Oh,” I reply, trying to relax.

“So we’ll have to do it again,” she says lightly, pressing her lips to my shoulder. I grab her waist to flip her onto her back.

“Not today,” she states adamantly. “I couldn’t do it again today. But we will… again.”

“All right. That’s good. Whenever… whenever you’re ready,” I reply, faltering over my words in relief. I pull her to me and kiss the top of her head. “I’m going to go to the bathroom. Okay?”

“Okay,” Nyelle says. I lean down and kiss her again before reaching for my boxer briefs.

When I return, Nyelle’s wearing one of my T-shirts, which hangs to her thighs. She’s pulling a fitted sheet over the last corner of the bed. I throw on a pair of shorts from my dresser before helping her tuck in the sheet and tossing the comforter and pillows on top.

She steps up on the bed and walks across it to where I’m standing, bends down with her hands on my shoulders, and gives me a quick kiss. I slide my hands along her bare thighs, and before I can stop myself, she’s toppled over onto her back, and I’m following up her small kiss with a much deeper one of my own.