West For Love (A Mail Order Romance Novel) (2 page)

“I prefer to permanently be called
Mr. Stewbren going forward,” William said.

Anna saw the pain come over her
father’s face. She felt completely worthless.

“I can’t undo the favors I’ve done
for your family and property,” William said. “But I must say, and I truly hope
it’s heard loud and clear, that the favors done will not be repeated. We are
strictly back to a business relationship.”

William dropped the papers on the
table.

Anna looked at them, her body
shaking.

“What’s happening?” she asked.

“So glad of you to join the
conversation,” William said. “It’s been a year, Anna...” He stood before her,
looking down on her. Something of a metaphoric sight considering how the year
of marriage went. “You’re a pretty young woman. I can only hope you find a man
with a family to care for. That, to me, is your only chance of providing and
fulfilling your duties as a woman and as a wife.”

Anna opened her mouth but had no
breath, no words. The pain in her stomach increased ten times over.

William Strewbren was a terrible
man.

A year ago Anna had been married to
this man in front of her parents. They held hands, Abigail smiled, and
everything looked promising.

Now...

“We’re getting divorced, Anna,”
William said.

Anna whimpered.

“I’ll cover all costs,” William
said. “I’ll ensure that none of this becomes some kind of burden to you or your
family.”

“Except losing my husband?” Anna
asked, sounding bitter.

“I believe I’ve been honest and
fair here.” William looked at Anna’s father. “If you had land, John, that
couldn’t produce crops, what would you do?”

Anna’s father nodded as he replied,
his voice distant and cold. “I’d sell. Take my losses and move on.”

“Why’s that?” William asked.

“Because there’s plenty of land to
find...”

William snapped his fingers and
laughed. “Perfect! There are more women than men right now. Women are actually
moving west, going anywhere from Kansas to California, responding to ads for
men. Of all things to happen. Can you imagine? I cannot waste more time.”

Anna swallowed the massive lump in
her throat. She knew breaking down and crying would only make matters worse.
Not only would she have to agree to the divorce, she would the have to face her
family after he left. That’s when she knew the real pain would come.

Her parents had raised two girls
into women who lost their husbands. How tragic. Only Abigail lost her husband because
of an unfortunate death. Anna lost her husband because of...

“I hope nobody feels blame,”
William said, breaking up Anna’s thoughts. “But Anna, my pretty Anna, please
look at me.”

Anna did as told. Technically, they
were still married. Maybe for another minute or so.

“I’m being honest when I tell you
to find a man with a family in need. If not, you will be alone and that would
be a sad waste.”

What a mean thing to say to a woman
about to be divorced. And by her husband at that. Yet Anna’s father just sat
there, his big hands in fists, holding back anything he truly wanted to say or
do. Anna wanted to hate her father in that moment, but she knew if John did
stand and give William a punch to mouth - which he most certainly deserved -
that William would refuse business with John and his family ever again. Whether
it be buying a piece of lumber, an egg, or going to the post office or the
bank.

That’s the kind of power and wealth
William had.

And that’s why when he chose Anna
to be his bride everything looked so bright.

“So, let’s get this over with,”
William said. “I have an important meeting I must travel for. I promise you
all, I will keep this quiet and it will fade. If anyone asks, you explain
things didn’t work and change the subject.”

Anna nodded.

There was nothing else she could
do.

Her life had been dictated for so
long now, what did it matter? She could see the look in her father’s eyes,
telling her how disappointed he was. But Anna couldn’t control her body. If she
couldn’t carry and birth a child, was that her fault? Was it her job to carry
the guilt?

Or maybe William was right... maybe
she should just find a man with a family and become a wife and mother that way.

Chapter Three

It didn’t take long after the
divorce for Anna to notice just how bad things had gotten and that they were
probably going to get worse. Her father spent more hours in the fields, avoiding
his home and his family. When he did come home, his eyes were often blank. He
sat at the table, leaving his hands filthy black as proof of how much he just
didn’t care anymore.

Her mother’s passion for cooking
and housekeeping became minimal at best. The meals were smaller, with less love
and care in them. She cooked the bare essentials to keep everyone fed. Not
necessarily full, but at least fed. Anna didn’t dare ask if it was because a
lack of money for she feared if the answer was a
yes
all the blame would shift to her even more.

Even Abigail seemed different. Anna
never realized it, but part of the healing process Abigail had gone through was
from watching Anna and William together. While she never came out and admitted
that, she did hint that it was amazing to see two strangers able to be
together. It gave her hope that maybe her own pain would once and for all go
away. But that was no longer the case. Losing William was like bearing a
visible scar. Anyone that looked at Anna saw it, knew it, and treated her differently.
Word spread around Lowemills like wildfire, and it was able to happen so fast
because William wasn’t in town. He couldn’t control it and neither could Anna.
Some people looked at her with shame. Some hung their heads. Some shook their heads
as though they knew everything... and maybe they did. Some nodded at her,
offering consoling eyes or a pat on the back. Those were the worst. Being
touched by strangers.

No matter what she did or where she
went, she felt watched and judged.

If she cooked a meal for her
family, to try and help out at home, she worried it wouldn’t be good enough.
And if it wasn’t good enough would her family then compare that to the failed
marriage? And those thoughts plagued Anna all the time. Worrying if there was more
to the divorce than just not being able to conceive a child.

Was she not a good enough
homemaker?

Was her cooking bad?

Sure, William could afford someone
to take care of all that, but it was Anna’s job to do it.

Most of all, was she an
unsatisfactory lover?

It made her cry sometimes, out of
nowhere, when she thought about it. She had tried her best to understand what
William wanted and tried even harder to please him. Never once did she deny his
touches or demands for her body. Never once did she do anything but smile and
appreciate when he enjoyed her.

After crying, Anna quite often
found herself angry. With the anger came her own distance. She would stand on
the porch and stare out to the open world before her. It seemed so large yet so
small. All she had to do was walk, right? Just walk a straight line and leave.
She could be anywhere she wanted... maybe even west, just like William had
mentioned. Anna had heard the chatter about women in and around Lowemills going
west to answer the call to be a bride. Many men had moved that way for farmland
and opportunity. Maybe that’s what Anna needed for herself too.

Opportunity.

Anna was setting the dinner table
when her father came in with a large hole in pants. His exposed knee was cut,
red, and looked swollen.

“Are you okay?” she asked her
father.

He looked down and shrugged his
shoulders. “What do you mean?”

“Your pants are ripped,” Anna said.
“And your knee...”

“They’ve been ripped for days,” her
father said.

He walked away with a slight limp,
breaking Anna’s heart again. Anna looked up and saw Abigail standing at the
other side of the table.

“I don’t understand,” Anna said.

“They haven’t been patched yet,”
Abigail said.

“Why?”

Abigail raised her eyebrows. Her
beauty was so radiant it drove Anna wild. No matter how many times Anna looked
in a mirror and tried to pull her blonde hair back tighter or tried to imagine
her blue eyes becoming bluer, it never happened. Abigail was certainly the
prettiest daughter.

“That’s not fair,” Anna continued.
“Our father shouldn’t be out there with holes in his clothing.”

“Mother hasn’t fixed them,” Abigail
said. “I don’t know what else to say.”

Anna understood. What else was
there to say?

This was a terrible mess and Anna
bore the guilt of it all for the last month since the divorce.

After a quiet meal that tasted
bland, Anna crept away. Later that night, she found her father’s pants and
fixed them. After patching the pants, she left them where her father would find
them the next morning.

The very next day her father went
to work outside, wearing the newly fixed pants, but he didn’t say a word about
it. He didn’t thank Anna nor acknowledge it had been done. And the same went
for her mother. No matter how much Anna cooked or cleaned, nothing was ever
said to her. She felt used.

Then came the night, a week after
fixing her father’s pants, when Anna found Abigail in her room, silently
weeping while hugging a pillow, staring out a window. Her parents had gone to
bed and something bothered Anna, something telling her that Abigail needed her.
She walked into the room with care, not wanting to scare or embarrass Abigail.
Abigail did her best to put on a straight face each day. There were times when
memories bothered her - the last time she really cried was when William made
his comment about time, referring to the death of Abigail’s husband - but
mostly Abigail held herself together.

Not tonight.

Anna sat next to her and thanks to
their sisterly bond, Anna didn’t need to say a word to begin to comfort Abigail.
She touched her back and rested her head on her big sister’s shoulder.

After a few minutes, Abigail took a
deep breath and that ended the weeping.

Just like that.

She somehow trained herself to just
turn it all off.

“Do you want to talk about it?”
Anna asked.

Abigail stood and Anna remained on
the bed.

“Sometimes I dream about him,”
Abigail said staring out the window.

The darkness outside somehow made everything
look spooky, as though Abigail were speaking to the darkness that perhaps
resided inside her.

“That’s okay,” Anna said.

“It’s not,” Abigail said. “How can
I love again? It would... it would have to be arranged, wouldn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

“I couldn’t find someone to love,”
Abigail said, “I’d have to be arranged to be married. Then the commitment would
take over and matter more.”

Anna swallowed. These were feelings
much deeper than the ones she held inside at the moment.

“When I saw you and William
together,” Abigail said, “it gave me hope. It gave me purpose, Anna.”

“I gave you purpose?” Anna asked.

She was shocked. She never
considered having any sort of impact on her big sister’s life.

“Of course you did,” Abigail said.
“I knew you didn’t love him. Your eyes told me that. But it worked. You had an
arrangement and a commitment. It made me really feel that someday I could have
the same. I waited for you to love William though. But you never did...”

Abigail’s voice trailed off as the
pain began to rustle up in Anna’s chest. She had an inkling of where the
conversation was heading. The smart decision would have been to stand and hug
her sister. Then leave the room. But Anna didn’t move.

She waited. And listened.

“You never conceived a child with
him and he left you,” Abigail. “Just like that. So quick. Without an ounce of
remorse. My hope is lost now, Anna. If someone could change their mind and
heart like that... what’s the use?”

“Abigail,” Anna said, “you can’t
look at my life like that.”

“But I can!” Abigail cried. “You
didn’t love him. And because of that you couldn’t have his child. You couldn’t
give him what he wanted. And... now...”

Abigail held her breath and Anna
wanted to plead for the rest of the sentence, but it came a moment later, after
Abigail closed her eyes.

“...everything is ruined.”

“I’ve ruined everything?” Anna
asked in a whisper.

“You never loved him. You never
fell in love.”

“It wasn’t my choice,” Anna said.

“And I’ll never have the choice
then either,” Abigail said. “I’ll be like this... forever.”

Anna stood from the bed but didn’t
go near her sister.

Maybe that was the final piece of
harsh truth she needed to hear. Hurting her parents was one thing. They were
really interested in the financial and social benefits of the marriage between
Anna and William. With Abigail, it was something more. It was emotional and it
certainly impacted Abigail’s life in a way that kept Anna up for the rest of
the night.

Into the wee hours of the morning
all Anna could think about was how much trouble she had caused. Did her
inability to give William a child really come down to love? Was there something
greater than the coming together of man and woman to create a child? And to
Anna’s own defense, she begged herself to understand that she couldn’t love
William. Not right away. Not that fast. Where was the relationship? Where was
the enjoyment of company? Everything was done and implied.

Morning came with a brilliant show
of deep pink colors that became a hopeful yellow, leading to yet another blue
sky day in Lowemills. Anna rubbed her weary eyes and set out into town. She had
a mental note of things she needed to get for the house, including more eggs
and more cloth. Her father had another pair of pants with two tears in them and
her mother hadn’t taken the time nor had the care to fix them yet.