Use Somebody (53 page)

“Fine.”

“Fine!” I shouted like a pre-adolescent.

Fuming, I stomped my way into the back room. How dare he? I knew that he had a temper and could be a real jerk when he was mad… save for Friday night when it turned into something else… I groaned. What had I expected? Maybe a thank you for taking care of him? Maybe a secret smile remembering our moment in the kitchen?

Certainly not screwing my lifelong tormentor less than twenty-four hours later.

And now… name calling? Really?

Not what I expected at all.

The girls were standing not two feet from the door when I came back. One look at their faces told me they’d heard the whole thing. Just perfect.

“Lover’s quarrel?” Summer snickered.

Vance entered right on my tail. He scowled at her, then aimed it at me.

“Stop.” I was not in the mood for this shit. “The next time I hear the words
Ricky Storm
, I’m leaving. I’m sick and tired of every little thing I do getting turned into some damn scandal. Ricky and I are
not
lovers. He has plenty of willing women to choose from and doesn’t need me for that. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t need me for anything.”

I was too carried away in my heated rant to notice the shift in the air again. At first when nobody said anything, I thought I had their undivided attention. Then I became painfully aware of that all-too-familiar presence encroaching from behind me. My stomach went dry from the inside out.

No, please no…

“Psst,” Kiki hinted with an indiscreet point. “He-who-shall-not-be-named is behind you.”

All my anger left in a whoosh.

Slowly, I turned and peeked up at him from underneath contrite lashes. There he stood in the doorway, the swinging door held open with a strong, tattooed arm. His gray gaze was back to stoic, unwavering from me.

“To answer your question… yes,” he stated with no emotion in his voice. Before I could form a single thought, he continued. “I kicked his ass because of what he said about you.”

Damn it.

My chest contracted. I couldn’t be any more confused. What had James said that made Ricky so mad? Why had he kissed me? And why had he showed up here tonight?

It was all so cryptic.

Whatever was going on between me and Ricky, only one thing was sure—I’d definitely made it worse.

“Ricky…”

“You’re welcome.”

He turned and walked away from me; the door swung shut behind him. For some reason it reminded me of Saturday night when I found him and Lexi entangled, and bolted from the house. Tonight, he was the one to turn and run.

It took about two seconds before I made up my mind and moved to follow him. Vance grasped my arm but I pulled away without a word. I owed Ricky an apology and nobody was going to stop me.

This was the difference between Ricky and me… Apparently I was chasing after him.

“Wait,” I said, trailing him through the store and into the dark parking lot. “Please, Ricky. I’m sorry.”

“Go away, Scar. Apparently I don’t need you for anything.”

“I said I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it, I just needed some time!”

Finally he spun around. His movement was so forceful, I had to stumble backwards so I didn’t run right into him. “Time for what? I don’t get why the hell you’re even mad! I’m not the one who’s too busy to answer a fucking text!”

I looked at him strangely. “I told you why.”

“When?” he demanded. “I haven’t heard one word from you since Halloween.”

A sinking feeling took over. Could he have been that drunk? I waited for him to correct himself but there was no recollection behind his eyes.

Once upon a time, a month and a half apart wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for us. Our friendship was always such that we were there for each other when needed, even if that meant not hanging out consistently.

But ever since I moved back home, things between us had changed. We spoke often. We went out together. We shared friends. We were now interwoven in each other’s daily lives. I should’ve realized he’d notice my avoidance. I just hadn’t expected it to make him so angry.

“Don’t you remember Friday night?”

“Yeah. I kicked your brother’s ass. Is that why you’re so mad?”

I shook my head. James needed some sense knocked into him. Whatever was said between them, I’d automatically sided with Ricky. “After that?”

His eyes lost focus, flipping through memories of that night. “I went home.”

“How did you get home?” I pressed.

“I can’t remember,” he said, frustrated. “Look. Quit wasting my damn time. Whatever the hell you have to say, just say it.”

I was right, he had forgotten. After all the drama that night had caused, it was all for nothing.

I shoved a finger into my own chest. “
I
picked you up.
I
took you home.
I
cleaned up the blood and iced your eye and put you to bed.”

I wasn’t sure why I was telling him this. I wasn’t looking for a thank you. He had taken care of me for years and owed me nothing. Why couldn’t I just let it go and pretend the whole night never happened? Nothing needed to change. Yet here I was, doing what I did best—making it complicated. And I couldn’t seem to stop myself.

“And you kissed me.”

At that, his gray eyes grew wide with alarm. Finally. A crack in his emotionless mask. I steeled myself for his reaction as the truth sank in. Would he get angry? Laugh? Be indifferent? Which one would feel worse? So help me, if he called me out for overreacting about one little kiss, I might actually lose it.

But he remained silent.

I started to ramble nervously. “It was… nice actually… and I apologized for being distant, I was just trying to work out some personal stuff. But after that night I decided I wanted my friend back. I got your text the next day about the party. I texted you back, but I didn’t realize until later that the text failed. I showed up at Farrell’s house, and… saw you…” I couldn’t even look him in the eye. “…with Lexi.”

Seeing them together was like a punch to my gut. Even the memory of it now made me sick. I didn’t mean to accuse him. I wasn’t mad, exactly. And it wasn’t like I deserved an explanation. I didn’t know what I wanted—I was just hurt. Why her? Why the one person that had spent our entire lives putting me down? Did he really like her or did he hate me that much?

Both hands scrubbed down his face. “Thought I was seeing things,” he mumbled. I stayed quiet, giving him all the time he needed to digest this information.

This was a taboo subject for us. And I had certainly never alluded to jealousy before. Frankly it was none of my business. I knew about Ricky’s nightly habits, but I chose to be blissfully ignorant about it. The outside world never existed in our bubble. That was much harder when I had to witness it firsthand.

I could have handled our kiss… chalked it up to a drunken mistake and moved on. And I could’ve handled seeing him with someone… anyone other than Lexi. But having both happen within twenty-four hours was too much for me. And the fact that he couldn’t remember any of it or understand why I was upset was simply infuriating.

“I… ah hell, fucking damn it.” He exhaled in frustration. “I’m sorry, kiddo. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Yeah?” I said, my voice small. Maybe he regretted it. Maybe he was drunk Saturday night, too, and never even meant to mess around with Lexi. Maybe he didn’t remember that, either.

“Yeah. Being groped by some drunk guy who’s supposed to be like family… No wonder you’re pissed.”

I looked up into his handsome face, all my hopes spiraling down a drain. I realized he wasn’t sorry for fighting or forgetting how I took care of him. He wasn’t horrified for how I witnessed him and Lexi together. No… he was apologizing for kissing me.

My heart wasn’t breaking. I knew what that felt like, and it wasn’t this. But it was no strawberry milkshake, either. It felt hollow, like a dull ache in my stomach. I’d told the girls repeatedly that Ricky wasn’t attracted to me. Why should it hurt to hear the same truth from his own lips?

I had to clench my jaw to stop my damn lip from quivering. No matter if it was the first time, or the last time, whether it involved love or not, rejection always sucked.

“What’d I say now? I didn’t mean…”

I rolled my eyes, using every bit of effort to appear indifferent. I didn’t want to hear his attempts to placate me.

“It’s fine, Ricky. Let’s just forget this whole thing ever happened. Easy enough for you, I assume?”

He grimaced.

“I’m sorry for being a bitch,” I offered. “It was no big deal, anyway. I’ll drop it. I just…”

He was looking back at me with round, unreadable eyes, but I had no words to give him. All my effort was focused on circumventing an emotional reaction. If only I could wipe the whole thing from my memory, just like he had. If only I could stop caring altogether.

There was no way to fix it now. I just had to leave. “I’ll… see you around.”

He reached out and gripped my hand, stopping me in my tracks. “Wait.”

I stared up at him expectantly. “For what?”

“I don’t know… I don’t know what to say.”

That was the thing about men of few words. When you needed to hear something specific, even if you didn’t know exactly what that was, they let you down every time.

I sniffled. “Well, that makes two of us.”

Buzzing on their nightly fill of gossip, the girls hung around for awhile. Kiki kept pestering me with questions about Ricky while Summer made desperate attempts to flirt with Vance. Even though part of me was glad not to be alone with him just yet, it didn’t make our shift together any less strained.

At one point when we had a moment alone, Vance leaned down and spoke quietly in my ear, “They think you’re with him.”

“Well obviously I’m not,” I retorted. “But maybe this is a good thing… If they think I’m with Ricky, they won’t find out about you.”

* * *

[Journal]

It’s human nature to justify our own mistakes.

True, in some ways we’re overcritical of ourselves. Like the way we look, our possessions or achievements. We always look to others and compare, wishing for more, bigger, better.

But not with our actions.

Even if guilt convicts our conscience initially, we find a way to skew the perspective until we are no longer in the wrong.

We compare ourselves to the worst case scenario, and tell ourselves we’re not
that
bad.

We feel entitled.

We get technical.

We play the victim.

We blame someone else. Or society.

We make excuses and seek validation.

We are extremely quick to forgive ourselves.

But how often do we refuse the same grace to another?

How often do we hold others to a higher standard, but lower the bar for ourselves?

It was Vance’s last night here.

He was leaving first thing in the morning for a two-week camping trip with his brothers. That’s fourteen days—three-hundred thirty-six hours—that our little town would be without its brightest smile, and I would be without my best friend.

It was longest time we’d spend apart since the very first day we met. We still worked together a few days each week, and I’d been crashing at his place almost every night. So naturally, the thought of being apart for fourteen days, including Christmas, was taking a toll on us both.

Sure, we drove each other nuts most of the time. He was relentless in his pursuit, and I kept him at arm’s length, hoping he’d grow tired of my ambivalence and move on.

Still, it felt like I was about to endure fourteen days without sun.

What was my problem lately? I never used to mind being alone. In fact, I used to prefer it. I used to favor writing and reflecting in solitude over socializing. Getting some space would be good for us. A much needed break from the disastrous attachment that had developed.

Or so I kept telling myself.

This last week leading up to his departure, we’d both become increasingly anxious. Things had started to feel a bit rocky, especially after Vance had taken a huge step forward by declaring the “L” word, yet I was still stuck battling my commitment fears and hiding secrets. On top of everything else, the whole Ricky thing certainly didn’t help. We were both feeling the pressure of pull and resistance, and I wondered how long he could hold out for this stagnant relationship. There came a point where we were only prolonging the inevitable.

Of course, Summer had planned a party at The Alley so we could give him a proper send off. To be quite frank, I didn’t want to be there, sharing his last few hours with everybody, dodging incriminating stares every time I dared to speak. I wanted to be cuddled together on his couch, just the two of us. I wanted to be lying in his arms, holding off sleep just so I could draw out his presence a little longer.

This party was nothing but a means to an end.

In order to save time later, we carpooled to The Alley. The whole ride in his truck was quiet and introspective. Neither one of us were eager to speak our minds.

He parked the car in the back of the lot and turned to face me. There was a look in his eyes… a sharp, piercing stare. Like he was seeing right through me and nothing else but me. Like every brain cell was focused solely on carnal need in its most raw and basic form. Like his desire was barely contained.

He let his eyes wander shamelessly, head to toe. I had dressed up a bit tonight (no hoodie in sight), including a black cardigan over a red lacy top, and a choker with three stars that reminded me of Orion’s Belt. He said nothing about the way I looked. But he didn’t have to. Something about the way little tingles were shooting up my spine told me he’d noticed.

Without a word, he placed his big hands on my hips and pulled me across the bench until there was no space between us. Oh, the way he was looking at me alone made my breath hitch and my heart spike. Green eyes boring into mine with pure, unfettered desire… it was almost animalistic.

The next thing I knew, I was on my back, laid across the truck bench in the back of a public parking lot, and Vance was on top of me, unleashing the full force of his love, his need, his white-hot lust. His lips took the lead, needy and covetous tonight. Flaming a fire neither one of us wanted to squelch.

He kissed me harder than I’d ever been kissed, giving heat and attention to every inch of my sensitized skin. My legs wrapped around his hips and I stuck my hands up the back of his shirt. I loved to feel the way his back muscles flexed and contracted while he moved to touch me.

Heated friction built between us as he rocked against me. When it became too much to handle I broke from our kiss, letting my hair fall around me in a natural mess. He kissed my jaw, my collarbone and my neck when I couldn’t keep up, like he’d never tasted anything so addictive.

I could tell he just needed me in this moment, and I never said stop, because I needed him, too.

* * *

“Sorry,” he said, breathing hard as we straightened our clothes.

After the silent drive and the hot and heavy make-out session that followed, it was the first thing he had said to me all night. A particular conversation had turned into a daunting task that neither one of us were eager to have. I was more than happy to stall in such a fashion.

Between unspoken words and Vance leaving for two weeks, we were bound to get a little carried away. And I was sure after we made our appearance inside, there’d be more where that came from later.

I spent a whole two seconds fixing my hair before climbing out of the truck. When he followed, I planted a quick kiss on his cheek and pulled a sultry smile. “I’m not.”

* * *

We both walked in fashionably late, me a few minutes behind Vance just to throw everyone off. I found their table and greeted everyone, including Vance—as if we hadn’t just arrived together or spent the last ten minutes parked in his truck. I could still feel the warmth on my body as though his hands had never left me. I licked my lips and could still taste his mint. His eyes fixated on me, following my every movement, and I shot him a surreptitious smile.

Contrary to how it seemed, I didn’t enjoy this part—sneaking around, lying to his friends. Maybe the thrill of it was exciting at first but now it just felt like college all over again. Censoring myself in front of others, pretending. The same game, just a different mask.

I could tell Vance was growing more and more uneasy about it as well. Still, the secrecy was a necessary evil for my sanity.

“Hot fudge holy moly!” Kiki exclaimed when she saw me. “Look at the total knockout wearing makeup! No wonder that guy at the bar is totally checking you out!”

Of course, I’d noticed the guy at the bar. I already knew by the way he looked right at me and poked his tongue in his cheek, subtlety was not one of his strong suits.

“He’s probably just wondering if I’m old enough to be in here.”

“He’s cute! At least smile at him!”

“Not interested.”

She huffed. “Do you even like guys?”

“Huh?”

“You know. Are you gay?”

My eyes bulged. “Kiki! No, I am not gay!”

“Are you sure? Do you feel anything when I do this?” Before I had a chance to react, she leaned in and pecked me on the lips!

“That’s my girl!” Cole grinned and proudly wrapped an arm around Kiki.

“What the hell!” I shouted, rubbing off my lips with my arm. “What was that for?”

She shrugged. “For science!”

“Ugh. I already told you I wasn’t. Maybe
you’re
gay.”

“Maybe,” she said thoughtfully. “I kind of enjoyed that.”

The table laughed it up and funny-boy Cole held a palm up to Vance, which lucky for him went unslapped. I felt his eyes on me but couldn’t even look in his direction. At least it would turn off that guy at the bar. Or so I hoped. I harrumphed and brushed my hair back over my shoulder.

“Hey… what’s that on your neck?” Summer pointed.

“What?” I absently brushed away whatever crumb she was referring to.

Kiki gasped into her hands. “Is that what I think it is?”

Gwen turned in my direction and tilted my chin to inspect. That’s when she burst into laughter. “It is! It’s a love bite!”

A what?
My fingers touched the delicate flesh on my neck that they were all staring at. At the contact, a flash of the last ten minutes replayed in my mind. Vance pinning me down in his truck, his lips on my throat, bringing me to ecstasy…

Oh.

Shit.

My eyes swung to Vance. Big mistake. Because every set of eyes at the table followed. His gaze was glued to me though, jaw clenched, his expression wide and wondering.

“No…” Summer shook her head in horror.

“I knew it!” Gwen shrieked, slamming her palm on the table.

Kiki squealed and flapped her little hands with excitement.

“I love being right so much, it hurts!” said Gwen.

“Is that why you taste like mint?” asked Kiki.

Summer said nothing else.

My cheeks flamed like an inferno. I hid my face in my hands, humiliated by the commotion around me.
He marked me.
He knew I didn’t want anyone to know, yet he went out of his way to make sure they all found out. What I thought was a steamy rendezvous was all just a part of his plan to betray me. He was leaving tomorrow and I was left here to deal with the backlash. His friends wouldn’t understand our arrangement. They would think this meant we were together. And if I tried to explain, they’d pick sides and all turn against me. I might as well sew a giant “A” on my shirt. Or an “L” for liar.

A warm hand rested on shoulder. I looked up to find Vance watching me with worry. I was so hurt I could barely contain my emotions.

“You did this on purpose?” I croaked, even though I already knew the answer. His apology in the truck made a lot more sense now. But it did nothing to repair the trust he had broken.

He was supposed to talk to me. He was supposed to tell me when he couldn’t handle our arrangement anymore, not publicize it.

He swallowed, but did not lower his eyes. “It was a crummy idea in the heat of the moment. At first I just had to have you, then—”

“I’m
not yours,
Vance,” I fumed, standing up to leave. It always came back to him trying to own me. That was never going to happen. “I’m not anyone’s to mark.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, rising with me. “I shouldn’t have done it, but—”

“Why didn’t you just piss on my leg!” I snarled, my palm covering my neck. “Do you have any idea how cheap this makes me feel?”

His teeth clenched, and his eyes contorted from concern into anger in less than a second. He stood at his full height leaning into my face until I felt the need to back up a few inches. “Cheap? It makes
you
feel cheap?” he demanded. “Says the girl to her dirty little secret!”

I sucked in a breath, stung. Vance was normally so gentle with me, even when we argued. The hardness in his voice caught me by surprise. He acted like I never even considered his feelings. That couldn’t be further from the truth! I’d felt enough guilt for our effed up arrangement without him rubbing salt in that wound. The only reason I agreed to compromise was because he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I couldn’t believe he was throwing it in my face now.

“I’ve been nothing but honest with you since the very beginning!”

“I want more,” he pressed.

“You deserve more,” I agreed, “but I can’t give it to you.”

“Why?”

My eyes rolled to the heavens, as if asking for a way out of this mess I had created for myself. Round and round in circles we went. He wanted answers; I wanted my freedom. Neither of us were willing to budge. He may have thought he was slowly winning me over, but he had just taken my hard limit—a line I’d clearly drawn—and crossed it.

It was then that I noticed we still had an audience, all fully absorbed in our very private discussion. Tonight we had pushed one another to our breaking points and everyone was here to witness it. Cole, Gwen and Kiki’s eyes ricocheted between us like a tennis match. Summer’s stare was locked accusingly on me. I could see the judgments already forming in their minds as they gobbled up every word we threw at each other.

Drama that I didn’t want to deal with.

Answers that I didn’t have.

I wasn’t ready to explain it to them. I wasn’t even ready to explain it to myself. Yet without any notice, Vance had just dropped me center stage on opening night and handed me a microphone.

I hadn’t been this pissed at him since the day we first met, when he grabbed my shoulder and serenaded me about believing in love. What a crock of bullshit. All the times he said he only wanted my happiness were bullshit. Trusting him was bullshit.

I grabbed my purse with one hand and Gwen’s arm with the other. No way in hell was I staying here or leaving with him. I needed as much distance between us as possible before we both did something we’d regret. Although it might’ve been a bit late for that.

Before fleeing the room, I glared at Vance over my shoulder. The bleakness in his eyes did nothing to soften my resolve. He hurt me deeply and I had to hit him back. I would not be spending the night with him, and we would not be resuming things when he returned.

“Oh well, that was fun while it lasted,” I said, voice thick with sarcasm. “Enjoy your trip, Vance. And when you get back… find yourself that nice blond.”

* * *

“Would you slow down?” Gwen grumbled as I dragged her to the car. I climbed into her passenger side and slammed the door.

Flipping down the visor and using the little mirror to examine my neck, I tilted my head, letting the dim light illuminate the offending spot. It stood out against my ivory complexion, a splotchy brown with red tinted around the edges. How long would it take to fade? And until then, would anyone else discover it?