Use Somebody (57 page)

I smiled at him, and believe it or not, it was genuine. “Like for you and Kiki?”

“Yeah. I mean, okay, it took me a while to pull my head out of my ass. But now there’s nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for her. It’s simple, you know? It’s cut and dry. If you and Vance love each other, you should be together. No one’s stopping you.”

I could see it in his eyes, the same light they always used to see in mine: the fearlessness of an innocent. It’s something you can only identify once you’ve lost it. And I saw it in him. I saw it in all of them.

“Cole… have you ever had your heart broken?”

He shrugged. “No.”

“Have you ever been cheated on?”

The pause was a little longer this time. “No.”

“Have you ever lost everything good in your life, including the one person in the world that you were closest to?”

Silence. He stared at me and I stared back, aware that I’d revealed way too much. I wasn’t sure why I confessed more to Cole than I ever had to Vance. Maybe given the circumstances, very little mattered anymore.

“No.”

“Then no offense, but you can take your ‘easy love’ and shove it.”

In my life, love had been anything but easy. There was a whole other side to it that I hoped he never had to experience. A dark, ugly side plagued with rejection, betrayal and grief. For me, love was meeting that person who was meant to complete you; finding a piece of yourself you never even knew was missing… only to have it ripped away, leaving you with nothing but an empty, lifeless void. One from which you may never recover.

Some people say it’s better to have loved and lost… I wasn’t one of those people. In more ways than one I wished I had never loved at all.

Cole’s view of easy love was cute and all, but experiencing his first love did not make him an expert on the subject, nor did it qualify him to give advice. I’d had three different relationships with three very different men, and all I knew of love was pain. After three failures, my heart wasn’t capable of trying again.

He sighed heavily. “For the record I think you’re making a big mistake.”

“Noted.”

“I mean, I don’t really know you all that well, but Vance is my brother so I want what he wants.”

“You’re his best friend, Cole, I don’t expect you to take my side.”

“Right… Well, then there’s only one thing I have left to say… If you’re going to leave him, the least you can do is let him go for good. End it. Or the next thing we know, dude will be moving to Texas thinking he still has a shot.”

Oh snap.
I hadn’t thought of that. I assumed the physical distance would be enough. “He can’t leave… his friends and family are here! This is his home!”

“So we’re on the same page then?”

I nodded solemnly. I couldn’t let Vance follow me, especially when I was still unwilling to offer him what he wanted. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.

“I mean it. No more phone calls or love letters or sexting.”

I flushed. “We don’t—”

“No more contact at all. It’s the only way he’ll be able to move on.”

I dropped my head in my hands and groaned. I knew Cole was right, I had to let him go and move on without me. But the idea of losing Vance wholly from my life was suddenly gut-wrenching. I’d resigned myself to the inevitability of losing his love. But what was I going to do without his friendship?

“Sounds like you have some thinking to do.”

I nodded in agreement. No more gray area. No touch and go. It would be done.

Now I just had to wrap my mind around that.

“You’re a good friend, Colton Elliott. Vance is lucky. I hope he never takes you for granted.”

He smiled ruefully. “You know, it’s a shame you’re about to break my best friend’s heart.”

I pushed my plate aside. For the first time ever, my pancakes went nearly untouched.

* * *

[Journal]

As a teen, one of the most challenging life lessons I had to learn was
letting go.
Graduation meant accepting change and saying goodbyes to a lifestyle that was rapidly changing; and people, places and memories to which I’d grown emotionally attached. Although letting go was perhaps the hardest concept I ever had to grasp, I have zero doubt that it was the best decision for my life… at the time.

Alas, this philosophy has followed me through the next stages of life. And now, I find the most challenge in
holding on.
I regress back to a time where all difficult situations were toxic. Where no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t fix broken relationships. And the only logical solution was letting go and moving on.

* * *

My days in California were numbered, and I kept busy making preparations accordingly.

Christmas was in the air. Mama and I ornamented the house in elaborate decorations of rich cranberry and green. Sadly, even the exquisite décor couldn’t get me in the holiday spirit this season. It was a somber occasion: celebrating my last Christmas at home, putting in my two-weeks’ notice at Mooshi and silently packing up my belongings. Every day passed sluggishly, which I credited in part to exhaustion.

Cuddling on Vance’s couch was the only good night’s rest I ever got. Alone in my own bed, I tossed and turned and awoke from nightmares like clockwork. Nothing helped, not even hugging a pillow in various positions. Without his subtle spicy scent or the rise and fall of his chest, my brain could not be tricked into believing it was his warm body beside me.

I worked a few days with Gwen, but besides that, I didn’t really hear from anyone. Not that I expected to.

Cole asked me to consider very carefully what I wanted with Vance, and I equated it to leaving or staying. I wouldn’t drag him through a long distance relationship like I had our previously complicated arrangement. If I left California, I would have to let him go once and for all.

Vance was my one and only, best, most solid friend. I didn’t want to lose him. But how could I turn down an opportunity like Texas? It was my one chance to move my life forward. If I stayed, I’d be stuck in the same pit that I’d spent the last year, and the outlook was grim.

Whichever way I looked at it, my options were down to one—separation forced by distance. I couldn’t trust myself to stay away from Vance on my own, so I’d let 1,500 miles do that for me. Problem solved.

Vance sent at least a dozen pictures over the next two weeks. Some of him snowboarding with his brothers, some of him holding up fish over the icy lake. Many featuring the beautiful snow-covered mountains with everything blanketed in dazzling white. One of him on the ground in what I could only guess was a snow angel-making pose, wearing an uncomfortably cold facial expression, titled
#nocontext
.

Some of his texts made me smile. Some made me laugh out loud. But most of all I found myself feeling something in between sullen and overjoyed when I read his words. Even though I missed the feel of his arms, it was so good to see him having fun with his family. He wasn’t a homebody like me; he was out doing things, making memories, living life to the fullest.

See? He’ll be fine without me,
I told myself.
He’ll be just fine when I’m gone.

Vance called on Christmas day. His spirits were high and it pained me, knowing he was happy when I already missed him so much. Was it cruel to talk to him without mentioning Texas? Maybe. But I felt it even worse to deliver such news over the phone and spoil the remainder of his family holiday.

We exchanged gifts before he left but agreed not to open them until Christmas day. So we both unwrapped while over the phone. I’d warned him it better not be something extravagant, and we both stuck to the $20 maximum pretty well.

I’d gotten him a personalized fishing lure that said “hooked on you.” Kinda cheesy, but that seemed to be his thing. His gift for me was a beautiful Christmas ornament of a clear glass ball. Inside the globe was a golden star, and written on the star was the word
hope.

Hope… I’d once called it a dangerous thing. Anyone who’d been let down one too many times in life might tell you the same. Still, the universe seemed to be drilling it into my head as of late.

As I held the little ball of
hope
in my hands, I suddenly realized that there were certain things I’d dared to hope for recently. I was more than ready to put this horrible year behind me, and had reasons to believe by starting over in a new environment, the coming year would be better the than the last.

December came to a close, and the trees shed their final leaves for the season. Just as nature prepared itself for fresh new buds to blossom and grow, I prepared myself for the new year fast approaching. I just had to keep reminding myself that every winter is followed by a spring.

Sadly, of the little dash of hope I’d managed, there was none reserved for the quirky but lovable man with a huge heart, and trusting, olive green eyes.

Darkness descended early in winter evenings. Perhaps the “freezing” fifty-eight degree weather didn’t call for my heavy coat, hat and gloves. Still, I wore them like a shield. Even though my decision was already made, the thought of confronting him face-to-face made me doubt my own emotional fortitude.

I forced my eyes to touch every corner of the park, burning specific images into my brain. Despite all the memories this place held, of laughing and tree climbing and swinging and first kisses, I couldn’t muster a single smile amidst the trepidation of what was coming. The cold wind howled ominously through the trees and caused the rusty swings to creak. Black curls blew across my face with vigor.

It was the last day of December. A new year was almost upon us. And even though I actually had much to hope for for the first time in a long time, there was also plenty to dread.

Like today, for instance. The day that Vance came home.

From the shadows, a tall figure emerged. And all at once I felt delight twisted with agony. Our eyes collided and never deviated as he closed the distance between us. The closer he got, the more his pace picked up, and the more effort it took me not to run. Maybe towards him, maybe away, maybe both—which was why I was cemented in place.

After fourteen days apart it was like I could finally breathe again. But I tried not to because every inhale brought us closer to the last.

Once he was upon me, my lungs weren’t working at all.

Elated, he took my face in both his hands. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you?” he said. There was no conflict in his expression. Only pure emotion.

Poor guy had no idea.

“Happy New Year,” I whispered, suddenly unaware of how I was going to survive this encounter.

“It will be, Rosie,” he smiled brightly. It was a wonderful smile filled with the entirety of his love, trust, and hope all rolled into one. It exhibited all the beauty of a winter sunset. All the rhapsody of a perfect song. The very sight of it had me entranced in more ways than one. “It will be.”

Then he kissed me.

And given it would be our last, I savored it completely.

After two long weeks of lonely winter, I was finally back in his hold. Our lips reacquainted fervidly, eager to make up for lost time. Oh how I had missed his perfect mouth, and this warmth and these hands and that taste. But beyond my physical desire for touch, I realized how much I had simply missed
him.
His voice and his laugh and his gooberness, and the way my insides fluttered when he smiled. His very essence flooded all my senses at once. Was it too much to ask that I just wanted more? More time, more of him, more of us. One last moment together would never be enough.

As always the park was deserted after dark. With no need to hold back, he grabbed two handfuls of tush and then I was in his arms. My legs instinctively wrapped around him as the physical drive to be closer overrode all else. Both of us moaned, unsuppressed. Even though he was right here with me, giving everything he had, I still missed him. I didn’t want to leave him. I wasn’t ready for it to end.

And for a second I questioned if we weren’t meant to be together, why did it hurt so much to kiss him goodbye?

“I have something to say,” he whispered against my mouth.

I touched my forehead to his, letting the fog of our kiss dissipate. Slowly he set me down on my feet.

The time had come. I already knew what he wanted, just as he more than likely knew my answer. Letting him try to change my mind was pointless. Our issues hadn’t miraculously fixed themselves.

“Vance…”

“Please. Just hear me out first. I’ve done a lot of thinking and I need you to listen to what I have to say.”

Yes. He knew. “But it won’t…”

“I always assumed we grew up the same, but the more I got to know you, the more I realized how different we are. My life has been easy—I get that. Trust fund kid. Loving family. Great friends. Easy job. Stable home. Steady girlfriend. No major setbacks. But you know what else I just realized? I’ve never had to fight for anything. It all just fell in my lap.

“Most of that stuff… I have it. But I don’t
need
it.” He took both my hands. “But I need you. I’m through with easy. I’d rather work for every smile if it means I’m the one who gets to make your day a little better. I dig that we challenge each other. I want to watch you heal until you’re so happy, you don’t even remember feeling broken. I know you can get there. Your strength is one of the things I love most about you. And I know you love me, too, you’re just afraid to trust that. But whatever happened in your past, you can’t let that control your future. I’ll do anything to show you I can make you happy. Just give me a chance to try. I’m prepared to wait as long as it takes. Just like our song, remember? I’ll be here as long as it takes until you’re ready to be mine.”

I was fairly certain if he hadn’t stopped soon, my lip would be full-on bleeding.

I never understood how Gwen could just give up all her dreams for a man. But hearing Vance pour out his heart, I was tempted to do the same. I could almost see it… staying here with him and rebuilding my life in spite of it all. It wouldn’t be the life I’d always envisioned, but maybe Texas didn’t have to be my one and only dream. Maybe I wasn’t entitled to run away or deserving of a second chance or a free college ride. Maybe what I really needed was to stay here and fix my own messes.

How many times had he compromised and sacrificed for me? How much further was he willing to bend? Couldn’t I do this one little thing to make him happy? For him, couldn’t I stay?

Granted, the timing was all wrong, but no amount of waiting would rectify it in this instance. It wasn’t a simple matter of me coming around when I was ready. This perfect boy who fell in love with me didn’t come into my life too soon; he came too late.

I recalled what Vance had said the night after Ricky kissed me, about my head battling my heart. And boy I felt the conflict alright. Not only were they battling one another, there were also civil wars carrying on. My heart craved the warmth, but was guarded with hurt. My head wanted to trust, but feared the risk. It ripped me in four different directions. And according to Vance, when the heart didn’t scream “yes!” that was as good as a “no.”

Love wasn’t meant to be an emotion of confusion. I cared for him, but I was so, so afraid.

So I did what I came here to do.

I stopped biting my lip, looked him in the eyes, and refused the boy who had always gotten everything he ever wanted.

“No.”

His head tilted to the side. “Come again?”

“I don’t want you to wait for me. I don’t want us to be together. My answer… is no.”

He looked at me, confused. “It’s not no,” he stated, “It can’t be no.”

“But it is,” I lowered my eyes. There was so much that needed to be said. “You don’t understand—”

“Then make me understand! Correct me if I’m wrong. Weren’t
you
the one who called me crying twelve hours after I left? Didn’t
you
say you were afraid of losing me? You think I can’t tell how you feel just by looking at you now? Or talking to you on Christmas? How are you still confused? You love me too, Rosie, for once just be brave and admit it!”

My jaw clenched. How dare he try to tell me what I felt! I stared him down, resolute. “When did you want me, Vance?”

His brows came together. “What?”

“You heard me. When did you stop being my friend, and start wanting more from me?”

He blinked and shifted his weight back. “I told you. It was after Evelyn and I broke up.”

“Are you sure?” I pushed, leaning into him now. “Are you sure it didn’t happen before then? Even a little bit? All those conversations and the music in your truck, the time you carried me through the canyon,
freaking
Charlotte and Wolfgang?”
What the hell was that anyway? Living vicariously through fictional characters? Considering the way everything had unfurled, how could he expect me to believe any of that was innocent now? “You’re telling me you were never… confused?”

Back and forth his head moved, over and over. “We did nothing wrong.”

“Except lie to your girlfriend about all those late nights we spent together, not working.”

“This is ridiculous. I was just trying to be your friend!”

“With benefits,” I whispered.

“Do you not trust me? Is that was this is about? I never wanted that. Not now and definitely not back then. I never would have touched you.”

“Oh? And why not?”

“Because I didn’t let myself think about it. Because I didn’t let myself feel it. Because I was blindly devoted to someone else,” he exclaimed.

“Exactly!”

His eyes widened at my outcry, seeing too much. I looked away. Tripped up by my own trap.
Damn it.

“What do you mean…
exactly?”

“I… nothing. Forget I said anything. I wasn’t talking about me.”

I could actually hear his teeth grinding. “I didn’t think you were, until you just said
that.
Answer me, Rosie, the truth. What do you mean by
exactly?”

The hardness in his command told me that I was no longer dealing with the old, carefree Vance. The man standing in front of me tonight was no sucker. It was as he said—he was prepared to fight for us. How long had I expected him to settle for my evasiveness?

Understanding dawned as I hesitated a fraction of a second too long. He continued in my silence, his voice growing devastatingly hollow. “It begs the question. Don’t you think? Can a man and a woman, both single and unattached, ever just be strictly friends?” My skin prickled at the question he’d asked me once before. This time, I knew where he was going with it. “Maybe… if one of them isn’t actually unattached.”

I snapped. “Back off, Vance. This is already over. I don’t have to tell you anything.”

“Like hell you don’t. This is the very least of what you owe me.
Honesty,
Rosie. We agreed on that. One little word and I swear I will walk away and never bother you again. Now. Is there… someone… else?”

His question hit me like a gust of wind, strong enough to knock me off balance. It was the one question he’d never directly asked me. And although the answer was technically ‘no’ in the sense that he intended, it was so close to the true reason behind all my reservations, I couldn’t look him in the eye and deny it. I was unprepared to hide my reaction; I couldn’t even breathe properly. Blanketed by guilt, I dropped my chin to my chest as it rose and fell between us, struggling for each lungful of air.

“No… no no no…” He grabbed both my forearms and pulled, trapping me in front of him, chest to chest. Nowhere to hide from the desperate man in front of me, I shut my eyes and turned my face away. “No. Eyes open, Rosie. Look at me and tell me the truth. Don’t tell me you’re scared or confused. Don’t tell me that I can’t understand either one of those damn feelings. Look me in the eye and tell me the real reason why your answer has always been no… tell me you never actually believed it didn’t exist… tell me this entire time I’ve been falling in love with you… you were in love with someone else.”

Tears formed in my eyes. A tortured whimper escaped my throat.

I thought I knew numbness. I thought I knew pain. But I was so, so wrong.

His heartache ate away at me like acid. The hurt I was causing him—my friend, the best person I had ever known—burned a hole right through the deepest layers of my flesh. He looked nothing like the carefree boy who had befriended me in an ice cream shop so many months ago.

He’d become a mirror image of me.

When had everything gotten so messed up? The day I convinced myself our relationship could survive this compromise? Was it in the beginning, the very first sip? I never had any business trying to make this work. All along I’d known it was wrong. And yet I’d damned us both.

I wasn’t stupid. Why did I do such stupid shit?

Some people lived their lives without shame, doing whatever they wanted, not caring about the damage they inflicted or who they hurt. Not me. I carried my remorse each and every day. Cursed with regrets and guilt and internal conflict. Collapsing under the burden of a conscience.

Cole’s words drifted back to me…
“If you’re going to leave him, the least you can do is let him go for good.”
I made my decision and I chose Texas. Now I had to stand by it. He said he was willing to fight for us—ready to do whatever it took to have me. Now I had to do whatever it took to let him go. For his sake, I had to give it my all.

And the answer was clear. There was only one thing I always knew he’d never settle for… sharing my heart.

I was leaving anyway. What else did I have left to give him, but his freedom?

My red eyes looked directly at him as I whispered through trembling lips the only truth that I knew, “I’m sorry.”

His grip tightened for several seconds, then his hands fell away. My knees fell to the dirt. I didn’t know it was possible, but any pieces that remained of my heart were somehow breaking yet again. As if my concept of hope wasn’t already sufficiently desolate.