Use Somebody (51 page)

Maybe, just maybe this would penetrate his thick skull, and he’d realize once and for all that this wasn’t worth it.

The ball was in my court to ever get this relationship off the ground. But the power to end it… that belonged to Vance alone.

“I know what you’re doing,” he said, narrowing his eyes at me. “You didn’t have to go about it like this.”

I blinked. “Like what?”

“I said I love you and it freaked you out. Now you’re going for sabotage. Well I’m on to your games, Scarlett. And it’s not gonna work.”

Sabotage?
I didn’t see how that was possible when I wasn’t even thinking about him when Ricky kissed me. I thought it best to spare him that detail.

“There’s no game,” I said without rancor. “I’m not trying to hurt you, Vance. This is just all I can offer you right now.”

* * *

Ricky: party at Farrell’s tonight. please come.

I immediately texted him back that I would be there, then tossed the phone in my purse. I was determined to get things back to normal and a party was just the way to do it. I wasn’t going to let one silly drunken kiss ruin my two closest friendships. I would show up alright, but this time, Vance was coming with me.

Recipe for disaster? Probably. But I couldn’t keep ignoring Ricky, nor could I go out again and leave Vance at home. It was the best I could come up with.

Last night had been a mess. Ricky had picked a fight, then gotten mad at me, then we ended up kissing. I wasn’t even thinking clearly when it happened and I definitely hadn’t intended to hurt Vance like that. It was just the kind of crap I was capable of right now, with my thoughts and feelings all out of whack. Vance was pissed that I let it happen and quite honestly, I couldn’t blame him. Deep down, I hoped he was paying attention.

I led Vance inside, looking around at the familiar sea of strangers. This was our thing, Ricky and me—people watching, a couple drinks, unwinding. I was fairly confident that the kiss between us was long forgotten. It truly didn’t mean anything, and I wanted Vance to see that.

I asked a couple guys that looked vaguely familiar if they’d seen Ricky Storm. They pointed me in the right direction.

A weird feeling hit me soon as I walked in the room. A prickly sensation on the back of my neck like something wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t like being watched… it was more of an unwanted presence. Like something was telling me I shouldn’t be there.

I should have listened.

I found Ricky, alright. I could tell it was him by the silky black hair framing his face, and the shiner fully bloomed on his cheekbone.

But he wasn’t alone.

He was wrapped in the long, lean arms of a girl with bleach-blond hair and a pink butterfly tattoo on her lower back.

Lexi.

The scene stopped me cold. My chest tightened but I was unable to look away. Why did I feel like that? I had no reason or right to feel… what did I feel? Jealousy? Betrayal? It made no sense. I was being stupid. So, so stupid. Ricky wasn’t mine. He could hookup with whoever he wanted. This was who he was. It’d been going on the entire time I had known him. And hadn’t I done the same with Vance? It was none of my business. Why did I even care?

Why?

When his gray eyes slowly peeled open and met my stare, I released a startled gasp. For eyes that looked like they could barely focus, they had me pinned in place, flat yet packed with incredible emotion. Then he blinked. Hard. And it became my number one goal in life to get the hell outta there before his eyes opened again.

Without thinking, I turned and ran from the room, ran from Ricky and the girl in his arms, ran from Vance and the inevitable “I told you so,” bypassing anyone who crossed my path. All I cared about was getting out of that house.

Once I reached the front yard, I groaned and dropped my head into my hands, breathing humiliation in and out. Why did I just do that? Fled from the room like a dramatic soap opera? Made a scene like some jilted ex-lover? I was such an idiot.

But why would he do that? With Lexi, of all people? Was it some sort of payback? It just seemed cruel. He invited me here. I texted him back. I told him I would come.

I took out my phone to glance at the proof. But when I pulled up the text, a little red “X” appeared next to the message.

The text had failed.

I stared at the screen, struggling to understand the dull ache in my chest. He must’ve thought I ignored his text again and assumed I wasn’t coming. He hadn’t expected to see me tonight. So he chose to be with someone else. He chose Lexi.

But I hadn’t ditched him tonight. I was here. And he saw.

This was not to say I wanted him to chase after me.

But he didn’t chase after me.

* * *

I was already a few houses away. The music had grown faint and the street was empty of bodies. In my solitude, I leaned against the charcoal truck and gazed up at the dark, infinite sky.

In a world of constant changes, I could always depend on the stars. Even though they were sometimes blocked by clouds or outshined by city lights, they were always there, steadfast. No matter what heartbreak and trauma and chaos the universe threw at us, those brilliant specks of light would always be beautiful.

I could tell it was Vance approaching by the way the gravel crunched beneath his shoes.

“You here to say ‘I told you so’? Because I’m seriously not in the mood.” I smiled to lighten the statement, but my tired eyes didn’t waver from the sky.

“No,” he said softly. “I’m here because it looks like you need a friend.” He leaned against the truck, sidled up next to me so that our sides were touching down the length of our bodies. I didn’t even protest; it was chilly and damn, I needed the contact.

He crossed his ankles and joined me in my upward gaze. We both watched the stars twinkling in the sky above us as a few soft clouds floated by. He nudged me playfully with his shoulder and it made me smile. Somehow he always knew how to make me smile, even if it was a sad one. I inhaled deeply, and breathed out all the confusion and frustration of the night.

“I know what you’re thinking,” I interrupted our silence, “And you’re right… I always gravitate towards people who hurt me. And here you are—the perfect freaking guy, and I’m taking it for granted. But you know something? You do the same thing, Vance. First with Evelyn, and now me. You could have anyone you want, yet you choose women who do nothing but use you. So maybe we’re both screwed up.”

At first he didn’t respond. I wished he would. I wished he’d tell me I deserved to hurt. Maybe even call me a few names. I had plenty in mind to suggest. But of course, it was too much to hope for.

“You like him?” he spoke at last. It was an actual question this time, instead of an accusation. We were both still looking up at the night sky, so it was easier to speak freely.

“What does it matter? He doesn’t want me. Not like that.”

“You should still come to terms with your own feelings.”

I shifted, still trying to work through my confusion. I didn’t think I had those kinds of feelings for Ricky. But then why did it feel like a punch to the gut seeing him with someone else? Especially after I walked in on Vance and Evelyn and felt almost nothing? Utterly nonsensical.

“I don’t know, Vance. Sometimes, girls just don’t know what they want.”

He paused. “Yeah. I’ve figured out that much.”

“He’s my friend… he’s always been my friend. We’ve never been anything more. That stupid kiss didn’t mean anything to me. But when I saw him with Lexi tonight… It hurts and I don’t understand why. It feels like I lost him when he was never mine, you know?”

It took him a minute to answer. His feet uncrossed, the rocks beneath us shifting. Then, “Yeah. I know.”

“It’s like, am I so pathetic that I feel rejected, if I don’t even want him myself?”

He chuckled, but it was absent of his usual warmth. “Yeah. That doesn’t make much sense.”

“Girls can craft anything to make sense in their heads, you know.”

We were quiet for a while, and then he sighed. “Sometimes the head and the heart want different things. Maybe you’re confused because you feel the conflict.”

I almost couldn’t believe my ears.

I glanced at him quickly before returning wide eyes to the sky. Leave it to Vance Holloway. Despite the fact that Vance and I had a current physical relationship, and he wanted more, here he was trying to help me work out my feelings for another guy.

And of course, as the expert on people and relationships, his assessment of my conflicted emotions was spot on. I had experienced the pull in different directions before. When I was with Nathan, I knew he was totally wrong for me and didn’t treat me right. But in my young, foolish heart, I loved him anyway. When I dated Miles, he was perfect on paper and exactly everything I wanted in a boyfriend. But my heart was never fully in it. I understood the conflict between the two (damn them both for steering me wrong), and had learned that the right guy would be a balance of both.

I also knew what it felt like to have that balance… to want someone with my whole heart and my whole mind…

He continued, “What does your head tell you?”

I considered this. Ricky’s was a world full of rebellion and darkness that I thought was imminent for my life. After I first moved home, I’d clung to our relationship like a security blanket. He taught me how to be independent, how to fight, how to embrace my anger and my obscurity.

In a way, I knew I couldn’t live like that forever. Eventually I would have to face my demons and move forward. And I wasn’t sure if Ricky could be the one to help me with that. He had always been my escape, but was he the right guy for me?

“My head tells me no,” I admitted.

“Okay,” he said without missing a beat. “What does your heart tell you?”

My heart?

I loved Ricky in a brotherly sort of way. But did I get butterflies when we were together? Did his touches make me crave more? Did his kiss make me come alive?

He was the man every girl in town wanted. But no matter what I asked myself, I couldn’t muster up that same desire. Was that due to fear of his reputation? My inability to feel? Or was our friendship actually meant to be platonic? It had been so with Vance, too, and yet here we were.

“My heart…” I shrugged, “isn’t saying anything.”

“Then I think that’s your answer.”

“But then why do I feel this way? Why can’t I feel happy for him, like I felt happy for you and Evelyn?”

I felt him flinch, then he straightened and crossed his arms. He probably didn’t want discuss her with me right now, but too bad.

“Well… Evelyn and I weren’t a Saturday night hookup. The way I see it, you feel this way for one of two reasons.”

“Okay?” I prompted, hopeful Vance would have the answer.

“One: you don’t want him, but you don’t want anyone else to have him. You’re jealous that he found someone to be with for one night. You want him to be just as alone as you feel.”

Yikes. Was that it? That had to be one of the most selfish things I’d ever heard.

“Or two: you don’t want him as your boyfriend, but you care about him. You want him to be happy. You wish he found somebody that made his life a little less lonely. But you know that person isn’t Lexi.”

Hmm. I liked that option better. It made me less of a bitch.

“What do you think?” I finally looked at him, curious for his opinion of me.

“You once told me that couples make you happy,” he said. “Would you be happy for Ricky if he fell in love?”

I tried to picture it… Ricky smiling and in love. His arms wrapped around a girl who knew the real Ricky, like I did, but was able to heal his hurt and fight his demons all in one passionate kiss…

Would I be happy for him? I’d like to think so.

“But what if I
do
want him?” I asked, unable to look at my friend. I couldn’t help but notice he left out that scenario.

“I don’t think you do,” he said quietly.

“How can you be sure? I feel… jealousy, or betrayal or something. I’m still confused.”

He was quiet for another long moment, fully measuring his words before he answered.

“I think what you’re really asking yourself is, why her? He knows how much Lexi made your life hell. He used to have your back and he always put you first. You wonder if he really cares about you, how could he do that? Being with her is like condoning every horrible thing she’s ever put you through. That’s why you feel betrayed.”

I laughed at his astuteness. “I thought you said you didn’t speak girl. But you seem to know exactly how we think.”

“I’m beginning to understand your relationship better now. Maybe you were right, it’s not sexual. But it’s more than just friendship. I think you two are codependent.”

Oh snap. He was right.
All those months after I moved back home, I thought I could resist falling back into old habits by avoiding certain temptations. Still, I was letting Ricky fill that void for me, using him to escape my problems instead of dealing with them directly. And he had grown used to me depending on him.